OK, we’re going to try this, on the understanding that it might get better in future weeks. Like “actually having some content” better.
We start with Tess booming out over the assembled cast, saying that nobody wants to leave first (note lack of camera pan to Erin at this point) but somebody has to. I think if it’s Patsy she actually might
spew chunks. That would have perked the show up a bit. Who will it be?
Once we’re through the credits, we’re reminded by Tess that last night we watched the celebrities do a foxtrot, or a salsamba, or a tangtrot, and I think there might have been a couple of jives in there somewhere. My memory is a bit foggy. There is no dance-off this year (hoo-bloody-ray) so there is now nothing more the couples can do to save themselves. Yes, because the dance-off performance always made such a difference. This also means that the judges have no “difficult decisions” to make this evening. Well apart for what to order in the weekly post judging Chinese Takeaway. Alesha’s not going to be allowed to just have Chicken Chow Men like she does every week this time. Branch out a bit Alesha. And stop hogging the prawn crackers.
Tess does assure us that, despite the dropping of a reprise for two of the worst, dullest dances of the performance show, there will still be dancing tonight, “ISN’T THAT RIGHT CLAUDIA?!” at which point she gazes up to the Tessanine
like we’re in a particularly ropey production of Peter Pan and Claudia’s about to enter flying by winch. Although I think a Tinkerbell get up might actually have been preferable to this ensemble…
How could we let Strictly Wardrobe get their hands on Claudia? I feel like it’s a dereliction of duty not to have added a “…but don’t let Wardrobe touch her” on the end of all those pleas to just let Claudia present everything already. Claudia promises us dance troupe action and also “pause” Robbie Williams! Gosh, that hammy little “pause” almost made me glad that we’ve got Robbie Williams back again, some more, hooray. Of course nobody in this iteration of the studio will get the Robbie Williams Prime Time Variety Experience, as his bit was pre-recorded last week.
There then follows a five minute (FIVE MINUTE!) recap of everything that happened on the first four shows. With precisely no new footage! Yay! Coming off the back of last night’s two hour marathon, I really don’t think we need another recap thank you very muchly. Apart from this one. Obviously.
Back in the studio after that, with Tess saying that we have no come to the moment (/padded-up, dragged out, interminable lifetime) that the couples have been waiting for. THE (first bit of the) RESULTS! First safe are :
except imagine those hands repeatedly opening and shutting across her face like windscreen washers. I guess the best way to try to convey emotion through that face is to try to turn it into some sort of human zoetrope. Next safe are :
Wow. She just looks pissed off at EVERYTHING doesn’t she? I was hoping she’d jump around screaming and punching the air and riding Brendan like a donkey. Maybe this is her trying to be likable?
Next safe are :
both of these two. Although I think something funny’s going on with the left one. Looks a bit unnaturally hoiked up. And joining them are
Hooray! Our first Unintentional Sex Face. It’s always the men. And now it’s time for our first Bottom Two Bandits :
To the judges now, in another clumsy edit, where Tess asks Bruno how he feels about Peter being in the bottom two. Naturally, Bruno completely ignores this
in order to talk about how tough things must be in the first couple of weeks, but all of the judges really appreciate the effort they’re all putting in. Not even close to an answer was it? Len next, and he’s asked who he’s pleased to see safe, and he says all of them, but especially Patsy, as he was so worried for her after her waltz. But then she CAME AHT and did her salsa, and he hopes she continues to throw off her “shackles of inhibition” (/clothes).
Inept cut back to Tess alone now (a quick shout-out to whoever’s editing in the sound of applause by the way) as she reveals that one of the dances next week will be the quickstep, so here are your dance-troupe to demonstrate it to you.
At first I was worried they were going to be dancing to Bohemian Rhapsody. Then I actively wished for it, as they’re dancing to “Hey Soul Sister” instead, which rhymes “Soul Sister” with “Mister Mister”. As in the band. Who sang “Broken Wings”. Worst rhyme EVER. As quicksteps go it’s alright, but I can’t help feeling that I’m never really going to appreciate the dance troupe because I don’t really like group dances to be honest – I’m more about individual couples, or two at the most, unless you’re going for spectacle like a massive Viennese Waltz or something. This sort of low-key quickstep (with samba rolls in it naturally. Can’t have anything just be what it is on this show any more) doesn’t really do it for me. Also, didn’t they do a quickstep on the Launch Show? MIX IT UP A TAD!
Up to Claudia in the Tessanine now, where she tells Patsy that her reaction to being saved from elimination was the best “lights out” moment in all the series of Strictly that Claudia’s seen, apart from when Darren Bennett decked Dominic Littlewood that is. Two people who aren’t so pleased though, are
Erin and Peter, who might not be here next week. Claudia asks if he’s surprised to be in the bottom two, and he says yes because he’s trained so hard and come in with no previous experience. He does think that maybe he didn’t perform as well on the night as he did in training, but he doesn’t think he could have done any more. Except maybe…performed as well on the night as you did in training? He praises Erin and says that he really wants to stay in a bit longer.
And now it’s time for…
THE (bit more of, but not all of) RESULTS! First to be safe this round are :
TINA’S FOREHEAD and NATALIE’S SPRAY ON SPARKLE-PANTS! I don’t think you can physically get her out of them now. It’s going to look very odd in a rumba. Also safe are
I swear I am not advocating them just on the basis of the faces. But that is a major part of it, for me. Last pulled to safety in this round are
our first round of Unintentional Crap Sex Faces. I can’t tell who’s faking that orgasm harder.
Back with Tess and the judges now, with Tess telling Craig that he said that Gavin’s salsa had “quote – bad time no timing, no rhythm and bad hips”. That’s not a quote Tess, that’s a paraphrase. You’re lucky he doesn’t sue quite frankly.
But how does big ol’ Meanie Craig feel about his arch-nemesis the Gavbot still being in the competition? Craig says paraphrase – that he’s fine with it so long as Gavin gets rid of his paranoia about Latin and just let go of all his inhibitions and shyness and really DO LATIN. Alesha to finish, and she’s asked about how she feels about losing the dance-off. She says that if a really good dancer goes then she’ll miss it, but at the end of the day this is the public’s show, so she’s get that it’s all in their hands now. Kiss-ass.
Sprinting up to the Tessanine now, where Claudia is asking Pamela what it was like to almost fall over (thank God Kara’s still not safe, we’d never hear the end of it) and Pamela mugs in response that James abandoned her to her own fate and sprinted away, so she was not best pleased.
Patsy’s all “just abandoning somebody at a moment’s notice and running away? No idea what that’s like”. Claudia also asks her if she’s pleased to be top of the leaderboard in week 1, and she definitely is. To Tina next, and Claudia forgoes an actual question in favour of gushing about Tina’s lovely little face. Tina’s all
“yes. It is. Crazy lady. Please step away now”. She wasn’t expecting to be safe either apparently.
Next up it’s :
Robbie Willams, doing “Rock DJ” which is a song he’s on record as hating, so naturally he sings about 25% of the lyrics in a comedy accent, throws in a bit of Rudebox and Vogue, dances around embarrassingly (coked up dancing and dad dancing are bizarrely close disciplines aren’t they? Just as an aside), and then Flavia, Kristina, Katya, Aliona and Ola all come out and
jiggle around a bit. Come back the corpse of Andy Williams, ALL IS FORGIVEN!
Next up, a montage based around theme that all the contestants now have the “Strictly Bug”. Scott has it, Patsy has it, Goldie says he wakes up very early in the morning, sweating a lot and he calls it the “doing the Jimi Mistry” (some dreams can be very confusing can’t they Goldie?), Jimi himself says that he hurts all over, but he still finds time to have a laugh and
fart on Flavia’s head, Michelle says that when she opens up doors, her foot does a certain thing (?!), Peter says he wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about Steps (very, very confusing dreams indeed), Pamela says she’s loving everything, the costumes, the training and (although she wouldn’t say it to his face) James. Give over Dr Pam, you’ve been writing newspaper articles that are practically about the dimensions of his cock.
Gavbot says the feeling of “owning it” on the dancefloor is special, Kara says she loves the glitz and the dressing up and EVEN THE FALLING OVER!!!!!!!!!!! (*facepalm*), Tina and Patsy both love the free make-up, Matt thinks it’s raw and hard and grr (probably got lost on his way from last week’s Apprentice episode), Felicity has lost touch with the real world, Ann says it’s JUST FUN, and Paul thanks something for biting him on the bum. Oh dear.
Now finally, it is time for THE (more of) RESULTS! First safe are
such a shame she got caught in the middle of her lemon sherberts. It’s a long days filming, she needs her sherberts! Next are
I AM SO SURPRISED! And she doesn’t even FALL OVER!!!!! Safe just before our final reveal are
and why do I feel like we just got another round of Unintentional Sex Faces? Which leaves Goldie & Kristina and Ann & Anton, presumably because Ann has it written into her contract never to be on camera doing the Unintentional Sex Face Of Safety, because it’s certainly not for reason of dramatic tension is it? Yup
these two are in the bottom two.
We get a little montage of them both talking about not wanting to go home, with Goldie invoking his mum bless him, but it’s to no avail as he is officially
our first celebrity to leave. Peter and Erin wander off to safety and lead a round of applause for Goldie, which then turns into a
now-meaningless standing ovation. I must admit this is the one point when I was actively glad that Bruce wasn’t there, because you know he’d be yelling at them both to hurry up, even though it’s on the pre-record and there’s plenty of time to edit meandering out.
Tess says she’s sorry to see him go, and asks him what it’s like to leave Strictly. His response? “S’alright. It’s all good innit?”. He had a great time, he’s got fit, he might have a jug in future (so won’t) and he thinks that Kristina is a fantastic teacher. Poor Kristina. At least when Poor Anton had someone halfway good they lasted a bit. They go do their final dance, Claudia gets rebuffed for a “KEEEEP DANCING!”
and that is all for this week. Hopefully they’ll get someone next week to do the editing who doesn’t have dirty butter-knives instead of fingers.