Dancing On Ice 5 – Final

I know I’m shocked.

Kieron Richardson : And so it ends. I mean, I know he actually did Bolero and filmed it and they put it on Youtube and whatnot. The dream is over. Kieron will NEVER BOLERO! (*Jayne Torville tears*). And seriously show, if you’re not going to let him Bolero, at least let him dress up like Peter Pan with Gaga (/Brianne) as his Tinkerbell like he wanted to. It might not have worked with the Elbow tune but WHAT-EVER. (I’m hoping against hope that Gaga/Brianne comes back for next series but I doubt it. Maria and Frankie have their territories marked good). Now with a bit of distance it’s sobering to look at his voting figures and realise that he was kind of pulled through the competition by judges scores a bit. It makes sense that when I finally root for the lesser talented male public favourite underdog, he turns out to secretly be a judge’s pet ALL ALONG. DUNN DUNN DURR! To be fair, given his Rihanna/Buzzcocks number in the final you can kind of see why, but I don’t care. Kieron Richardson 4EVA!

Hayley Tamadon : Can’t she have been on last? I don’t want to end my Dancing On Ice minicapping career for the year (and possibly forever given the TERRIFYING RATINGS NOSEDAVE!) by slagging on Gary Lucy. Although I guess, thematically, it would be appropriate. Anywho, YAY, Hayley won, sweeping all before her like a public vote juggernaut. Not even Ray Quinn, who was better than she is (*says penance*) and who had a greater quality margin over his second place rival (*says penance again*) couldn’t produce a blow out of this level. Was it the Jai Ho? Or the Bolero (which really was much better than Gary’s). The numbers suggested that she had it made before all that anyway. Who knows really? Maybe it’s that in the battle of the soaps Emmderdale>The Bill>Hollyoaks. Whatever happened she won, and then flipped out as totally convincingly as she did every other time she did it, and made Daniel Whiston the first double Dancing On Ice pro-winner. Who wants to bet against Maria being next? Anyone?

Gary Lucy : I was scared for a minute there that he was doing to do it. That Jason was going to play Sharon Osbourne to his Steve Brookstein, and make one pointed (75% true) comment too many, provoking a tidal wave of outrage propelling him to the win. In the end it probably didn’t even have the impact of when he called Sharron a flying lump of shit and kept her in the competition for another month (THANKS JASON!) Anyway, his Bolero was rubbish, I didn’t even remember his reprise dance, and his flying was just him doing the Superman pose for 90 seconds. THERE? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW (CRAIG)? I’ve ended by slagging off Gary Lucy. Even though this is one of the few times I’ve made it through an entire series of this tut, I still can’t help but end on a note of bitterness. Kind of like he did. CLAP PEOPLE OCCASIONALLY GARY LUCY!


7 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice 5 – Final

  1. KnowAll27

    Gary couldn’t clap – he’s just a life-sized Ken doll (seriously, how shiny can one guy be?) who, when not wound up by Maria, could only stand motionless with a permanently bored/glazed expression with his arms motionless by his side.

    With, of course, a cute kid that he started whoring out for votes in Week 3.

  2. min

    I think I might just Jason a little bit for ever after the calling out of the attempted kid vote grabbing scam.

    It took him all series and there were a few false starts but finally he managed to hit the bullseye.

  3. monkseal Post author

    KnowAll27 – After Laila on Strictly this year, I just don’t get the excuse that all his fans are giving that it’s the show doing it. You can tell them not to film her – it’s very easy.

    min – I love how it left Gary pissed off for the rest of the evening, even letting it infect his gracious loser speech. It’s JASON GARDINER, why would you care?

  4. KnowAll27

    True, and surely as India is a minor Gary amd/or her mother would have to consent to her being filmed and shown?

    Call me cynical, but it’s very telling that any time he was in the skate-off his next VT was very focused on India and not the actual task at hand.

    Daniella and Tana managed to not have VTs centred around their kids, am I right?

  5. min

    Even Mikey didn’t pull out the deceased friend top trump card half as much as I was fearing. Luckily Gary was there to take up the heart string tugging slack.

  6. monkseal Post author

    KnowAll27 – I think Tana’s kids were in the audience every week, and we might have got an “at home with” if she’d stuck around longer. Danniella kept her kids hidden though.

    min – I think Stephen only get mentioned at the outset and after he got voted of didn’t he? Apart from Gubba. He probably mentioned him a few times but… who ever listens to anything Gubba says?


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