No eliminations? What’s the point of that? I WANT BLOOD!
Chad Ochocinco & Cheryl Burke dancing the cha cha cha : So apparently you’re not allowed to do dances in the end-zone any more. I’m so disappointed. Whenever I played Madden 92 on my Mega Drive that was always my favourite part – after navigating about 17 screens of plays and about half an hour of painstakingly moving up the field 10 yards at a time and constant CONSTANT time-outs, your little man would do a dance. Are they not allowed to do that any more? BOO! This is like when they stopped footballers stripping after scoring a goal. Although I admit that annoys me for slightly different reasons. I like his blunt force “no really, only tell me I’m good if I’m actually good” attitude in the face of all the frou frou of this show, and I equally love how his partner is still all “THAT WAS AMAZING! I AM PROUDER OF YOU THAN I COULD EVER BE EVEN OF MY OWN CHILDREN!” in response. The dance was alright, although so many of the men on this show seem to think cha cha just means “dance like you’re in a bar, and it’s getting near closing time, and you’re getting a bit desperate.” Still, he’s better than the football guy from last series.
Shannen Doherty & Mark Ballas dancing the Viennese Waltz: I have to admit, I was hoping for tyrannical megabitch, so I’m a little bit put out that she seems both normal and a bit of a nervous wreck, but then again there’s always the possibility this is a total Eve Harrington front and she’s actually the utter cow every single person who’s ever worked with her claimed she is. I mean she’s demanding special creams. There’s time. I do like that Mark chose the Nouvelle Vague version of Killing Moon as well. The original’s awesome, but there’s something about that whole project I find intriguing in a very pretious French-kind of way. The gloves and the flapping around like a goose trying to take off not so much.
Erin Andrews & Maksim Chmerkovskiy dancing the cha cha cha : I don’t say this often, because I don’t really think it that often, but my GOODNESS she’s skinny. Maybe it’s because this is the year of the hot young hunk and the cougar and so there’s not so many hot young things to compare her to, apart from Nicole and Joanna Krupa’s sneering face in the audience, and also because Maksim seems like one of the bulkier pros but she is THIN. Not that it matters, it’s just distracting. And I see again that they’re trying for some “oooh, someone’s talking back to Maks” thing, but I’ve had two series of it (and the false memory of Mel B’s hooting maw implanted in my head” and it just seems like he’s probably had this dynamic (or an attempt at it) every series. Still I did laugh when she said she wanted Tony. Seriously, who wants Tony? Her dancing? Was alright, although her legs were weird and given her STEALTH RINGER status I was expecting better to be honest. “Tikk Tokk” doesn’t really work if you don’t sing it like an obnoxious drunken tart either.
Jake Pavelka & Chelsie Hightower dancing the Viennese Waltz: OK, I have a high tolerance for the rubbish of this show. Actually, the rubbish of this show is why I watch. The rubbish of this show is why their “entertainment winner” is Donny Osmond and ours is Chris Hollins. But even I felt my teeth rotting clean out of my gums when he introduced himself to her with a ROSE and then they danced to KISS FROM A ROSE. I say this as someone who sat for a full half hour on twitter working out Moon themed songs for Buzz to dance to, but that is far too on the nose for me. Also he seems full on dull and his posture was rubbish and his hands were all stabby and I really want to like Chelsie Hightower, because she is tiny and blonde and smiley and called Chelsie Hightower, but I can’t honestly get behind this nonsense.
Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel dancing the cha cha cha: Not to hark on the comparisons for anything, but I find her attitude towards her weight so much less exhausting than Natalie Cassidey’s. I like that she likes her weight, is actively a bit concerned about changing her body image by losing large amounts of weight, and is perfectly happy to do comedy skit nonsense like “crushing” Louis under her OH SO ENORMOUS FLESH entirely unselfconsciously rather than trying to persuade everyone that she COULD have done 14 lifts if she wanted to but the HEIGHT was all wrong. Having said that she might need to slow down on the whole personality front, because I feel like I’m losing weight from watching her talk is how exhausted I am.
EVANBOT & Anna Trebunskaya dancing the Viennese Waltz: OH MY GOD I HEARD HE WAS A BORING ROBOT BUT I NEVER EXPECTED THIS! Move over Rachel Stevens, we have a new winner. Being locked in a skating rink from the age of 8 does strange things to a personality – ie IT COMPLETELY REMOVES IT. Seriously, I bet Anna had to inject steroids into her face given the strain she probably had from all the stretching she had to do to compensate for the complete lack of feist going on there. His entire VT was about how dizzy he got from spinning because it was a different type of spinning than the spinning he does in ice-dancing. That is how exciting this guy is. Of course, like all Strictly/DWTS robots he’s a very accomplished dancer already. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hey, it’s a while since we’ve had a robot victor. Bring it on!
Buzz Aldrin & Ashley Costa dancing the cha cha cha : I love how they’re just throwing points at him for having been on the moon. I say, instead of watching him dance every week, which let’s face it, is a little bit embarrassing (although not as much as it could be, all things considered) we just shine a spotlight on him and he can tell us stories about the moon. They don’t have to be true – he can make up moon people and talk about what a twat Neil Armstrong was, I don’t care. But it’s clearly what it’s here for, and Ashley Costa can go for tea with his scary wife with her eye by her ear and they can talk about what a lovable old coot he is. I love how when they met he was sat in a room full of space memorabilia reading a book about space dressed in a NASA outfit. Not that he’s still living in his moon moment or anything.
Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough dancing the Viennese Waltz : Just because she’s a dancer, and spent years dancing professionally, it totally doesn’t mean she was good at dancing y’all. It was just, like, stripper dancing and thing. She doesn’t even know what a VIENNESE WALTZ EVEN IS (…despite apparently having watched enough of this show to know that she wanted Derek Hough as her partner) DON’T GIVE HER RINGER BACKLASH! It’s a shame, because she seems really nice, but that “nice” does seem part of the constant self-conscious need to prove that she doesn’t have the advantage she totally does have, and it’s going to get wearing. This is why I liked Mya. She never gave a shit and was just her surly, straight down the line, awkwardly professional self. Also she was a better dancer. That helps.
Not That Aiden Truner and Edyta Sliwinska dancing the cha cha cha : Oh my, this Aiden Turner is also English? It gets even more confusing. And he has a fairly English sense of humour as well. Don’t know how well that’s going to down. His partner certainly didn’t seem to know what was going on. I do take back a bit further that whole “American Erin” thing after she started a routine to “Hungry Like The Wolf” with him howling like an actual wolf. This sort of high concept thing never works this early on, especially with this level of talent. Just looks silly. Apparently he’s first in line for the boot predictions wise. Here’s hoping he can do ballroom for his sake.
Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani dancing the Viennese Waltz : Do we think she has kids? She might have alluded to it once or twice, but I’m not really sure. To be fair when you have eight of them I would imagine it’s pretty impossible to forget even for a second. I did appreciate her saying that she’s a mother of eight “who happens to be on tv”, like she just tripped and landed on a tv camera or something, and SOMEHOW found herself with an entire media empire and drama about Cousin Jody whoever to flip that is. The dancing was pretty awful, although all the mugging about how she was doing this for MIDDLE AGED MOTHERS EVERYWHERE may keep her around for a bit. I will give her this – she looked much prettier than in any of the pictures I’ve seen of her, probably because she wasn’t working a hair-do courtesy of Australian mid 90s soap operas.
Pamela Anderson & Damien Whitewood : Pamela Anderson dancing the cha cha to ZZ Top? No wonder this show debuted with its highest ratings ever. A) I love her crazy aunt. B) Just how high WAS Pamela? It’s no way to make your auntie proud slithering around your partner in that weird new giant glass box thing like he’s made out of ice. And the giggling and the stink-eyes and the flower throwing and the dancing. My god the dancing. It’s like Macy Grey from last year, but on a more suitable dosage. I kind of hope she lasts forever at this rate, and given her supposed complete lack of rhythm, her dancing wasn’t a total bust. Hurr hurr. Bust. That is all.