Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 10


Gary Lucy : Look, I get it. Even by the standards of this show, waving some canes around to “Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick” (and if I were the sort of person to suggest compulsory sterilisation, not that I am, because it’s gross and ugly, but if I WERE, then all the people twittering “YEAH YOU CAN HIT ME WITH YOUR RHYTHM STICK GARY LUCY!” might be a place to start because good grief get some self-respect) is awkward and silly. But can you not give the impression constantly that all you want to do is just skate around in a big circle dressed in a tracksuit? It’s PROPS WEEK, when even the shyest of blokes has to embrace the camp. Even with the laudable attempt to show that yes, you can do the required element outside of rehearsal, it’s hard to argue that Gary didn’t deserve to be bottom, because he worked nothing, and gave nothing other than very good technical flat skating. Everyone else did a character (unless you believe that Hayley really is like that which… maybe she is) and this was still Gary flapping about gooning.

Danniella Westbrook : Christopher Dean sidling up to Danniella all “listen to this music, what sort of slu…woman does it suggest that you might be this week” should be put in a video and sent around “Inappropriate Behaviour In The Workplace” Seminars. I mean, I know it’s all THEATRE and he’s going through a marraige crisis but… keep it in your pants Dean. Anyway, Danniella was a secretary sla…woman this week, seducing her boss Beaver Teeth, in a routine so 80s that we might as well have declared the new Tory government right there in the middle of the rink. It was undeniably entertaining, mostly because it was skated to “The Look” aka the best song ever, but it’s hard to get around the fact that she was sat on her arse for a good 60% of the routine. I mean… if that’s what she was given it’s what she was given, but the whole routine seemed more in service to “we need to eliminate a boy this week” and “we need for Hayley not to be top one week to keep things interesting” than anything involving Danniella.

Kieron Richardson : His journey through musical ignorance continues. Although sometimes I have to admit to wishing I didn’t know what Freddie Mercury sounded like (don’t hate me crazy Queen fans!). This week Keiron was unleashing his inner Freddie (and yet not wearing a fake moustache. Trick missed there I think) by singing into a brand-new prop to Dancing On Ice – some sort of Weeble Terminator prototype. It does say something about this show that in terms of dance-props they’ve come up with “microphone stand” and “chair” ( both staples of provincial burlesque across the nation) after using such natural items as “dinner table” and “suitcase”. What it says is that it’s slightly ass-backwards is what it says. Well done to Keiron and Brianne for a creditable routine next week. In the battle between him and Danniella for the “doomed to finish 3rd but be my favourite” race I think he just about pulled ahead here.

Hayley Tamaddon : She’s such a square it’s almost adorable. Seriously, she’s like the anti-thesis of Gary : she loves that these routines and their cheesiness and grasps it double-handed. To the degree of doing it slightly too hard and coming across a bit hyper and intense. Still, I’d rather trying too hard to not trying enough, and I’d rather twizzling an umbrella around to Burt Bacharach than looking awkward to Ian Dury. Of course I would rather neither, and not have these two beam in a deranged fashion at me like they’re in some sort of gender-mixed off-shoot of God’s Pottery, but given that the final 4 last year were the Love Is boy, “investigative journalist” Donal McIntyre, Jessica What’s Name from Thingy and COLLEEN NOLAN, even that feels like a nice warm bath of nice heterosexual McLeans couples kissing (just one same-sex couple guys, that’s all I’m asking. They can be two hot Katy Perry lesbians I don’t even care)

Danny Young : And so ends the saga of Frankie for another year. Not with a bang, but with a dropped hat. Oh the dreaded hat. Of course it was all her fault, and getting rid of Danny solely for something that was’t his fault is stupid and unfair, and you might as well name it “hope you pull out a pro who can handle the props ON ICE”, but hey, it saved Keiron, so I’m not going to complain. I’ve still got Sinitta to do that about haven’t I? And it’s not as though it was the only thing wrong with his performance, what with the still slightly tentative skating, the vomit colour shirt and the McFly up in the hizzy. Ah well. Until next year my little Pixie Witch Goblin Goddess. Until next year.


2 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 10

  1. Rob

    I like your re-cap of this appalling ITV ‘Strictly’rape-on-ice soooooo much more than I like the actual show. Though I am glad that Danny left – a prime and objectionable example of a ‘roided, talentless one-soap-role fuckwit whose smugly unpleasant face you’d never get tired of thwacking….

  2. monkseal Post author

    “I like your re-cap of this appalling ITV ‘Strictly’rape-on-ice”

    Don’t go giving Christopher Dean any more ideas for “innovative routines”.


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