Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 9

They missed a real opportunity to do a Precious routine. Have Frankie throw a tv at Danny’s head. You know she’s had practice.

Danny Young : Hello, semi-nudity on ice. Unfortunately Danny, whilst an attractive man, just falls into too many “but he’s too…” sections of the giant Venn Diagram of Sex for this to have made much impact. He’s short, he’s hairy in an awkward sort of way, he’s got a back-tat, he’s really stacked, and he’s got a bit of a squidgy girl face. Still, despite this, his bench-pressing a whole adult woman (even if said adult woman is Frankie, and therefore weighs the same as a 7 year old) obviously hid a chord with the public given the rapturous routine this got in the arena and the fact of his being safe for another week. I am a little bit sad that Frankie is happy now though. I’m always down for a bit of pixie-faced rage.

Danniella Westbrook : Poor Danniella. It’s all starting to go a bit wrong isn’t it? Two weeks ago at her peak with a retro-camp fest this week? A whole lot of nothing to Grease, ending up in the bottom 2. I mean… just think on that. How do you end up not getting the public vote whilst dancing to Grease? THIS IS ITV DAMNIT! If you can’t top the public vote skating to Summer Night, you might as well pack away Katie Price, repeats of Intolerable Cruelty and documentaries about fat people, because nothing on this channel will ever come to any good. I think she’s just broken down at this point to be honest. She came out strong, but physically she’s just past it now – the whole routine was basically Beaver Teeth carrying her about and then her aborting the jump. I’m glad she’s still there, but she might need some sort of stimulants to get through nex…no, not that DANIELLA NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mikey Graham : And so he went, in a SHOCK BOOT, because the Boyzone Mafia were all getting excited over the Oscars or something. Can’t say as I wasn’t glad, even though he was a nice bloke, but the most memorable part of that routine was Melanie spinning around in the middle whilst he skidded round the edge going “oooooooooooh”. I don’t think he was ZOMG SO OBVIOUSLY AWFUL AND WORSE THAN EVERYONE ELSE that seems to be the general consensus, but frankly he deserved it for dancing to Ronan violating a tin whistle. Seriously, the poor thing sounds in pain every time I hear that song. Sounds like it HURTS. And he seemed happy enough to be leaving and really, if this whole thing was a tribute to Stephen, who was enthusiastic but ultimately a bit rubbish at this show, than to be pretty much the same?

Gary Lucy : As opposed to this one, who is obviously talented but completely uninterested. Him standing there nurking and pulling faces and saying “but I aint a dancer” when asked to do the sodding twist is pushing the limits for what’s considered likable on this show? You don’t have to be Hayley’s constantly clapping, giggling, jumping up and down showboating ass, but it’d be nice if you weren’t ramming the “I’m juss a bloke in sequins and I am SO AWKWARD” card into the table after two months that it leaves a massive dent. The routine itself was alright, but if you’re going Pulp Fiction surely you have to end with Maria collapsing and Gary stabbing her in the heart with a syringe right? Right? Such a wasted opportunity.

Kieron Richardson : I love how he took to pink like a duck to water. Hot pink as well. Hot pink PVC. Maybe it’s because it had the rather sweet effect of making him and Brianne look like a couple of fruit salads. I love how neurotic he is, and in such an original way. Normally you’d just have people clenching and crying and going “I really just want to prove I can do it” or “I really don’t want to let the Pixie Witch down”. Keiron comes out of left field with high-tension nonsense like “IF I DON’T SCORE AT LEAST 20.0 ON THIS ROUTINE I WON’T DESERVE TO LIVE”. It’s like he’s on Mission Mode for Dancing On Ice on the Wii. This was fun, but let’s be honest, utterly utterly incoherent and ridiculous. So given that he’s in Hollyoaks, he was right at home. I’m starting to get my hopes up that he might be in the final – it depends on whether he or Danny can get their heads above water for most improved (Danny who was no.1 boy week 1 HINT HINT CAMPAIGN CAMPAIGN!)

Hayley Tamaddon : I’m starting to appreciate her more now that she’s gone Full Psycho. THIS ROUTINE MUST HAVE SEVEN SPINS TORVILLE AND OR DEAN. OH MYGODIJUST NAILED AND I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT JUST EXPLODE! As renderings of Jai Ho go, this was definitely above poor Craig Kelly on Strictly, although let’s be fair, that wouldn’t be hard. (Poor Flav. I bet she had that routine choreographed for MONTHS in advance and then he happened) I think she might just have won it with this performance, although obviously she still has some backlash hurdles to leap, like the fact that she and Daniel are secretly married or whatever. Can’t say as I’d begrudge her the win after this either. It was very good.

NEXT : Props week! *giddy*. BRING ON THE HATS!


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