Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 7

Never has one woman been shoved out the door quite so hard.

Kieron Richardson : How can you not know “Ever Fallen In Love With Someone?”. For a start it’s AMAZING. Also it was used for a pro jive on Strictly this year, which Kieron should have been watching given how his Hollyoaks castmate was on it. WHAT A BAD FRIEND! Also culturually ignorant. Sigh. Of course then the show actually took him to a Buzzcocks gig and things got awesome, as punk and ice-dancing COLLIDED! Well, kind of gently bumped into one another in a crowd of about 17 people. So maybe I’ll forgive him. This once. Also he dressed like Rihanna and threw a lot of his patented floopy dance moves whilst being alright at skating (minor windmilling moment o doom aside). That’s always good. As is Angela Rippon pretending she had a boyfriend who was a punk. Oh Angela. That’s about as convincing as Paloma Faith claiming to be 24. But all in all, a fun segment. Just as long as they don’t try to persuade me he was actually supposed to be convincingly punky. Except if they mean Punky Brewster.

Sharron Davies : Seriously, I can see why you wouldn’t want to do something too fast given your crippling injuries sustained during a lifetime as a SPORTSWOMAN but at least ASK the people doing the choreography first. I know Shakespeare’s Sister are awesome but they’re not THAT awesome. As soon as she did that she pretty much wrote her ticket home, particularly in the eyes of Emma and Jason, who were throwing shade at her so hard throughout the entire show that it got rather uncomfortable. It’s a shame, as her routine wasn’t actually that bad this week, but the whole thing was muted by the clear desire of everyone involved to get her off the show as soon as possible. Maybe there was even more going on behind the scenes than just song-choice drama, who can say?

Danniella Westbrook : Occasionally in one’s lifetime, something comes along that’s so campy, so melodramatic, so honest-toLiza GAY that you just have to stand up and applaud. And so the stars alligned and we were delivered the sight of Danniella Westbrook whizzing around the ice dressed like the 60’s to “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me”, pulling drama faces and swoons and derranged stalker-lady leaps, all whilst her jockishly handsome ice-partner plays the disinterested straight guy. And then? The coup de grace, as she full-on BOUNCES HER BOOBS off the ice as she loves into a lift that she was worried about doing in case her nose fell off. Truly if she is not in the final after this, something is very very wrong.

Danny Young : Ooooooh…. SEVENTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! I think this is my favourite bullshit “curse” in the history of reality tv, because it involves stats, a cheeky chappy taking lumps, and mostly importantly Psycho Frankie being Psycho. I do feel for him, because he is very neatly sliding into the role of the Series 4 memorial Axis Of Slow (Steve/Greg/Gareth Skates) but a little bit more up-tempo. They really should be giving him more to do but I kind of get the impression that… you remember that rumour about how teachers would get bored of marking halfway through, just give every paper past 3/4 of the way through a B and rush off to get drunk and complain about their pay? I get the impression that’s Torvill & Dean’s approach to Danny’s choreography. He better get 17 again next week. If he does, I cannot WAIT.

Hayley Tamaddon : Oh God I can’t bear this song. I know Hayley Tamaddon’s a great skater, and I’ve been trying to avoid the “SHE’S TOO STAGE SCHOOL!” business but… this song’s all happy and jolly about how GOD IS COMING TO KILL US ALL AND THEN JUDGE US! That’s not really a particularly comfortable thought for me personally. ANyway, of COURSE this is her favourite song and OF COURSE it means a lot to her, so now I feel forced to push her down into my imaginary 3rd place after Danniella and Kieron and feel bad about it because it’s really for no reason. The end pose was nice, that’s about all I remember.

Emily Atack : Oooh look, it’s star of ITV1’s The X Factor, Alexandra Burke, ever more rapidly sliding into her role as Hear’Say to JLS’ Liberty Kiss. Did you know that she has a stage persona she likes to call “The Beast”? I can’t work out if she’s naming herself after the Snappy Tomato’s Pizza or Satan. Possibly a bit of both. Anyway, Alexandra Burke was there to teach Emily Atack how to perform her hit song “Bad Boys” but on ice, and then it didn’t matter, because Granny Angela completely misunderstood the song anyway (She’s not supposed to be a bad GIRL Ange, she’s supposed to be lured by the danger of a bad BOY). She was actually not that bad this week (although still probably the worst one there, if we’re not doing relative scoring for Sharron being a MASSIVE COW) so of course THIS is the week when her vote runs out. When Fred looks like he only wants to end his own life a little bit.

Gary Lucy : I’m just sick of him. Sick of that same sign his daughter brings every week at the behest of the producers so somebody actually votes for him. Sick of the lazy lack of commitment to performing, or getting better, or ANYTHING really beyond the career boost at the end. Sick of the same washed out dull performances without an ounce of showmanship or fun or feeling. Sick of the fact that, despite him being the best skater there in week 1, he’s still not really doing anything fab. Sick of the fact he’ll be Duncan James’ing his way to the final at this rate (except I quite liked Duncan James). I guess this is karma for me being so glad he was in the bottom 2 in week 1.

Mikey Graham : Oh good Lord. I wanted him to make a comeback, but I never knew that I’d want him to make a COWBOY COMEBACK. With fringing and everything. I’ll even put up with the vaguely racially dodgy jokes about Irish cowboy patio blah blah (what is this, 2002?). I’m just glad to have him back skating to a reasonable standard again after the mild horror of the last few weeks. Phew.


2 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 7

  1. missfrankiecat

    See, Gary is pretty much the only one I can watch without cringing because he’s the only one who doesn’t put me in fear he’s about to kill himself or his partner. I was ok with the one the judges like so much – is it Hayley?- until her partner dumped her on the ice a few weeks ago. I miss Ray Quinn – now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

  2. monkseal Post author

    Between Ray, Donal, Colleen, Ruthie, Todd, Jeremy, Michael, Melinda and Roxanne there was enough going on in last year’s show to drive me away by about week 5. One of the worst reality show casts ever.

    I think I need the cringes to keep me non-comatose. I can’t deal with 2 hours of ice-dance without someone doing something stupid.


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