Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 6

Happy Love Week everyone!

Daniella Westbrook : I’m really honestly worried that Florence & The Washing Machine’s god-awful hooting and howling version of “You Got The Love” is going to become the definitive version. Forget the original, soul-searching, religious, force of nature (well, alright, not the original original, whichever version I personally grew up with, that one) no, here’s the music world equivalent of Charlie Bruce going gale force with all the subtlety of a Jason Gardiner insult. Boo. I choose to believe that Danniella’s otherwise bizarre decision to smile benignly through a song about being driven to the edge of insanity and suicide by the pressures life and only being saved by a higher power, was a protest. Or at least I’d like to.

Danny Young : Is he even in this partnership any more? Everyone knows it’s ALL ABOUT FRANKIE, aka the only female pro I actually have any handle on. Never have I seen a reality show contestant so completely and utterly overshadowed by the sheer mentalness of his partner. Dressed with a loo seat warmer round her neck, paled up to the max, spitting venom everywhere and acting like the biggest sore loser spoil-sport ever (“I THOUGHT THIS COMPETITION WAS ABOUT X, APPARENTLY I WAS WRONG!” being the mating call of said species), I can only pity Danny, left skating and looking awkwardly about the edges.

Emily Atack : This year’s reality show crop has so far presented me with the possibility of both “When Emily Atacks” and “When Pamela Ptaks” jokes. It’s just a shame neither of them were particularly interesting or likable. I don’t even get the whole “they’re just voting for Fred cause he is ZOMG SO FIT!” line, because that didn’t help Zaraah Abrahams who was actually… you know…GOOD AT SKATING, and also he’s increasingly looking a bit dog rough and really, honestly, about third best to Heather Mills’ accolyte Matt Evers, and ol’ Beaver Teeth who’s paired with Danniella. No, people must be voting for Emily Atack. Even with VTs about how she’s going to steal Fred away from his wife. *Mystery*. She wasn’t even that good this week either. Are people just saying “oooh she deserves better marks” because she’s young and pretty? Not to go there or anything.

Mikey Graham : I was actually on the phone to my mother for this performance (I know, I’m so invested), but the whole emotional porn tone of his VT made me worry I’d accidentally switched on to that programme where Kate Thornton hangs around airports sucking life-force from parting/re-united couples. I did see the skating though, and it looked like a bit of a half-way house between where he was two weeks ago and where he was last week, so at least he’s back on a bit of an upswing. Good for him, and having his family with him on Love Week and everything, but the inspiration’s gone a bit now.

Sharron Davies : I love how swimming has left her so crippled that she can’t even MOVE HER ARMS! Seriously who’d be a sportswoman? Especially if it makes you so pissy and whiny and tired. Poor Sharron. One time, that pinnacle of physical achievement – a Gladiator – and now, this series version of Colleen Nolan. Doomed to be not every good every week, and have pointless, pissy, bitter, joyless little arguments with Jason Gardiner, and represent middle-aged women who vote and all that awful sad stuff. Although hopefully she’ll be a little bit better at presenting Dancing On Ice Fridays if that ever happens. (Please God no. Nothing against Sharron, but that show would be a disaster whoever hosted it). Also I’m sorry, I don’t want to see Jason comedically flung around anybody’s neck neck ha ha. Such old drama. That went out when Craig Revell Horwood played snooker umpteen series of Strictly ago.

Hayley Tamaddon : Hooray! Finally a routine from this series you might actually remember, and not just for reasons of gimmickry! Or because Heather Mills’ leg was on the verge of popping out. It was just really sweet and atmospheric, although that might be because it was danced to an actual good song, and a romantic song, unlike most of the numbers this week (The Same Thing? Seriously?). Of course the most memorable part is when Tony Gubba tried to imply that the routine was so romantic that it meant that Hayley and Daniel MUST be having sex. And at least 6 people have landed on this blog after Googling the same thing. So far. Seriously people, take a wrench to your gaydars.

Dr Hilary Jones : Bye Dr Hilary. At least you provided the comedy of Nicky pretending he was going to save you over Danny this week, thereby running the risk of Frankie giving him a good stabbing. Oh and Karen calling him “Hilary” and not “Dr Hilary” and thereby doing the same with him. I’m so over watching him skate though. Even with the added hilarity of watching him try to dance (on ice) this week. There’s a particularly boring type of incompetence that you find on this show that’s exemplified by Dr Hilary, and this week it finally became boring enough for people to actually stop voting for it. Hooray.

Kieron Richardson : OK, speaking of unromantic songs, Kieron this week was dancing to “Don’t Know Much”. Aka the most hilarious love song in this history of the world. It sounds like Linda Ronstadt is duetting with CLEVELAND BROWN for goodness sakes. No wonder he though it would be his last routine. And then of course he was amazing and had a bottom two bounce, and all was well again with the Scrawny Gay Vulcan. I dunno, on other people, the level of self-deprication and well… whining that went on from him this week would have put me off, even with the excuse of Bottom Two Madness, but on him, it kind of works. After a fashion.

Gary Lucy : Not that I want to come across as having any sort of degree of pity for Gary Lucy or anything but really? You’re trying to make a man seem less dull and more dynamic by having him skate to My Cherie Amour. Then again, he responded by doing something as ridiculous as respond to the claim that Maria was out-acting him by claiming that she had 20 years experience on him. When he’s supposed to be an actor. Whatever Gary, you’re clearly destined for the Final Three, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it one little bit.

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