Dancing On Ice 5 – Week 4

Not that I know what these “70s” are. I wasn’t even BORN!

Kieron Richardson : OK, I have to confess, ITV’s fun-time scheduling got me good, an I tuned in about 20 minutes late, and even with the generous amounts of filler present in this show, that was enough to miss Kieron entirely. Which is a shame, because he’s my favourite and all. I hear he almost killed his partner! But anyway, yes, BOO JASON! SKINNY PEOPLE CAN DO SKATING! (NB : Said opinion is not actually based on seeing this particular skinny person skate this week.)

Tana Ramsey : Hooray! She’s gone! Our long national nightmare is over. To be fair, having her on the show was no less ridiculous than having Natalie Pinkham (Who?) but somehow the presence of Gordon Ramsey’s eerie silly putty face leering over everything made it even worse. I am at a loss as to how she was supposedly “looking like she was enjoying herself” this week. I guess she was smiling… a bit? Maybe? Occasionally? I mean it’s WATERLOO. If you can’t look manically happy to Waterloo I’d be sending someone round with an SAD lamp stat. I liked Christopher Dean’s advice though – to imagine a solid brick wall between the audience and the rink. I’d go with that. Make it sound-proof and it’d be even better.

Danny Young : Oh my it’s amongst my favouritest of all things when Frankie and her little evil pixie face get angry. When it happens, everyone better run for cover, because SHE WILL NOT STOP AND HER SKIN JUST GETS TIGHTER AND TIGHTER AND HER EYES JUST GET BEADIER AND BEADIER AND IT IS AMAZING! And this week was basically Angry Frankie Pixie Face Porn. I mean, even Danny looked terrified, and he has to spend all day with her. I don’t think it was a particularly bad routine but I mean… it was to Dr Hook. And apparently the public have something against “cheeky chappies” this year (WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG PUBLIC?), and so he was in the bottom two.

Emily Atack : I love how the celebrities Incidental One Off relatives are now actually more famous than the celebs. It’s like if one of Alesha’s Nans had been Diana Ross. And the other had been Blythe Danner. I can see that. Anyway, apparetly Emily knows how songs from before she was born, because she’s totally culturally stunted and has no interest in anything that has gone before her. Not even “Yes Sir I Can Boogie”. Yeah, I REALLY want to pick up the phone for her now. Fred’s face… continues to stare off into nowhere looking vaguely doped, which at least is 70s appropriate I guess. The skating? About as good as it always is. What were you smoking giving that a 3.0 Robin? Between this and Sinitta, I’m thinking of revoking his Head Judge status.

Mikey Graham : Oooh goodie, a comedy routine. I so looked forward to those every week last week from Todd Carty ( Car-TEH tm Nicky Slater). Although at least Mikey can actually skate, making this a bit like all those hilarious routines with Les Dawson playing the piano or Tommy Cooper doing magic. At any rate, it wasn’t paticularly funny, but it was well stated and it was to Simon & Garfunkel, which means I’m always going to approve, even if they are from BEFORE I WAS BORN.

Heather Mills : Oh Wacka Macca Mucca Mills. It was always going to come to this eventually wasn’t it? Some leg thing happens, like it falling off or getting wood-worm or something, and then you have to explain it, because clearly it’s going to affect your skating, and then everyone’s all “OH SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR SODDING LEG HEATHER MILLS YOU SYMPATHY VOTE GRUBBING HO!” as though you’re supposed to just go out and mess up…like you did here, and it was appalling, without any explanation. And yet… She survives? Matt’s lucky he fits nicely into a pair of trousers, that’s all I’m saying.

Dr Hilary Jones : I know it’s a crowd-pleaser but really? I’m still recovering from pretty much the entirity of their VT being given over to Dr Hilary and Anonymous Blonde Number 2 singing Sweet Caroline, loudly, directly into the camera, at a bar (with people clearly too young TO EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS BECAUSE IT IS FROM BEFORE THEY WERE BORN so they’re just being entranced by the raw charisma of Dr Hilary Jones into knowing all the words like MAGIC or some shit). And not skating, which might actually have been on some help. Conceivably. Actually the singing seemed to pay off, because he was actually not too embarassing this week. You know, comparatively.

Daniella Westbrook : Oh goodie, lift drama. I was waiting for that. You’re small enough to be put RIGHT IN THE HEADBANGER young lady, so don’t you even start any of that now with the simpler stuff. Ice dancers have necks of iron, don’t listen to that totthy skating man partnered with you, GIVE YOURSELF TO THE LIFTING. To be honest, I was mostly just singing along during the routine rather than concentrating because, come on, it’s “Le Freak, it’s pure love and delight. What I saw seemed quite very good though.

Sharron Davies : So yeah. Faecal gate. I’m so conflicted. On one level, he was talking about the costume, not really her, so much. So he wasn’t actually calling her a poo. He has that. On the other hand she’s clearly feeling vulnerable, having been hit with a hefty dose of BOTTOM (TWO) MADNESS so it might have been an idea to walk on the classy side of the line. And on the third, even more depressing hand… why is it always the gay male judge? Seriously, hate-crimes are up, Hawaii chickened out of approving gay marriage, the Pope’s gone buttfuck (literally) mental. We have enough to deal with as it is. SHAME ON YOU JASON GARDINER! Sharron was pretty much as rigid as she always is but I can’t deny her her moment of triumph.

Gary Lucy : I’m sorry, there was so much BLOKEY BLOKE BLOKE MATEY WORRGH testosterone going on throughout the whole thing I must have passed out and missed it all. Pity.

Hayley Tamaddon : OK, I think I finally get her this week, and I reiterate my instructions to LAY OFF HER ABOUT THE CHEESY! It’s what makes her special. In many sense of that word. She totally deserves to finish second to Mikey now, as she almost certainly will do. Her or Kieron in an unexpectued burst of National Scrawny Gay Vulcan Love. Also? Enough Is Enough! Why is Strictly so bad at picking amazing Disco Tunes, and Dancing On Ice so (comparatively) good at it? I guess it helps to be of an…ITV mindset. Whatever I might mean by that.


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