Emma Bunton : put it away. And that. And those.
Gary Lucy : Oh my gawd, that dancing is like, so embarassing and stuff. Is obviously the attitude you need to have for this show. Mind you if he really didn’t want to look like a burke, he’d have focused less attention on the ice, and more time on clamping down on the “gorr blimey, all me mates is dahn the pub, ow am I gunna stay in?” banter, because if there’s anything making him look like a “wally” or a “goof” or a “goon” or whatever pre-watershed term he might want to use for “tit” it’s that. And the self-consciousness. And the haircut. Without all that I might not have laughed like a drain when he was in the bottom two. But as it is…
Dr Hillary Jones : Don’t forget the “Dr”. Otherwise he will cut you. Hard. Also, I didn’t know if you heard, but he’s the oldest person ever to take part in this show. Just a thought. I don’t really buy all that “as a doctor he knows what damage can be done to you when you fall over on the ice”. We’ve all seen those hilarious clips of David dropping Pam on her face and the not at all hilarious ( not at all) clips of Michael Underwood breaking himself in many places. Still he’s not going to break anything the way he’s skating, except maybe the remotes of several people changing the channel to see if there’s a more interestig advert on another side. Oh and also? REALLY REALLY OLD.
Danny Young : OK, he’s with Evil Knightmare Pixie Frankie, so he’s all good with me. I mean, I rooted for Chris Fountain, despite his churlishness and puting every time his ring wasn’t kissed, so I can sit through a gosh-darnit steroid midget “cheeky chappie”. It’s nice to see someone who’s never skated before ascend to actual competence, and not then be cut off at the knees by RETARDED JUDGING LIKE SINITTA WAS LAST WEEK. A good start, although his provoking by far the hardest (and hence the grossest) reaction from Emma Bunton suggests that I might end up rooting for his elimination just to SHUT HER UP.
Bobby Davro : Oooh, he’s so entertaingly entertaining that entertainer. Clearly he is going to entertain the nation with shitness for half the series, as the nation is entranced by him wobbling and pulling faces and leering and doing comedy skits about how he’s combining panto and ice-skating. THE PUBLIC ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM TO THEIR DUMBASS HEA… oh no wait he’s eliminated. IN YO FACE NICKY SLATER! His partner was alright though.
Kieron Richardson : Who opened the floodgates on the Hollyoaks actors? Seriously, this is the fourth one in the big two winter celeb talent shows. And whatever, I liked all of them (well except Gary Lucy but… at least he’s kind of talented on the ice even if he’s an unbearable nimrod). Kieron’s clearly got the most “made for tv” personality anyway, in that he is very… flamboyant. Still, any of us who were rooting for him to do one of these after seeing him say that he would be “Strictly Come Devastated” if Ricky Nipple was eliminated from Strictly could have told you that. Not a bad start either for a 9 stone weakling. And given how they palmed off the other two anonymous new blonde bint pros on Bobby Davro and DR Hillary Jones, whilst boring old Maria and Knightmare pixie Frankie got ringers AGAIN, I’m glad at least one’s getting a chance to shine.
Jeremy Sheffield : I’m sorry, I’m already completely done with him after that awful “I’m injured, and I’m using it as an excuse to get naked and waggle my cock at you” segment. How effing tacky. That and his skating style reminds me of the unholy series of the four horsemen of the BOREPOCALYPSE (Vincent, Gates, Backley, Rusedski) all shuffling around the ice at 2mph, occasionally making a shape. BOO! The bottom 2 of him and Gary Lucy can’t come soon enough.
Mikey Graham : Please understand that this is not a Stephen Gately joke. He was always my favourite Boyzone, and his death was a true tragedy but… you might want to ask for someone else on the other side to guide you throuh the competition Mikey because he was not an ice-skater. Ice-dancer. Whatever. Basically he wasn’t that good. As for Mikey he was actually really pretty good, and I’m glad that he’s not going to coast totally on sympathy. Hopefully. Also in an evening of horific song choices (Got My Mind Set On You? REALLY?!) this was at least a stand out moment.