Dem girls, who dey?
Daniella Westbrook : I’m so glad that she’s much better than she seemed like she’d be, because she ended up being my sweepstake pick, and seriously getting Daniella “Face Of Drugs” Westbrook as your sweepstake choice is akin to drawing “Page 3 Model” as your Celebrity Big Brother Sweepstake choice. And yet she didn’t acquit herself too badly. I mean, let’s be honest, the second the legion of young attractive (allegedly) men sweep onto the ice it’ll all be forgotten like Todd Carty should be, but her coming out and not being shit is kind of a victory in itself for her. That and her nose staying on. YES IT’S A CHEAP JOKE, BUT IT HAD TO BE MADE, THAT’S THE LAW.
Tana Ramsey : Oh good God who cares. Instead of showing her skating around the ice like a broomstick with a paper plate for a face attached, they should just point the cameras at Gordon the whole way round, and we can interpret the routine via the medium of whatever facial expressions he can still make after plastering over his face with Polyfilla. What does she even do? It’s not even as though she slept with Gordon Ramsey in a sexy and scandalous way. She’s just his wife. BFD.
Hayley Tamaddon : I quite like her, and her doomed life-long love affair with Daniel Whiston, who is permenantly stuck with the curse of Emmerdale, but I just can’t get over how her surname basically sounds like a brand of contraceptive device. “Can we tonight love?” “I think so, I’ve got 3 tamadons in my pocket”. Love all the bitching at her for looking stage school. Who were the last two winners of this show again? Have there ever been a more stage scool pairing? Hence why she’s the current favourite I guess.
Sharron Davies : Sharron Davies is so odd. She’s been through so many incarnations – breakfast tv host, sports interviewer, Gladiator – that it’s sometimes genuinely hard to remember that she was ever a swimmer. But then she gets out on the ice and, yeah, there’s a swimmer alright. She’s just too explosive and powerful with all her limbs to ever be graceful on the ice. I do kind of want a swimmer to be good at one of these things after Mark Foster was similarly… challenged. I guess it’ll just make Dame Rebecca Adlington’s triumph on one of these things all the more sweet.
Emily Atack : Fred is one of the few pros on this I actually recognise (although that’s kind of a lie – I recognise pretty much all of the men, and pretty much none of the women except Evil Panto Pixie Frankie) so I was in extra special position to feel his pain with Emily Atack. He could barely even look at her. I miss his amazing chemistry with Zaraah Abrahams. He only looked mildly dis-interested with her. Anyway yeah, she was awful, but because she’s young and perky and blonde (/”has potential”) she’s still 3rd favourite to win amongst the girls. At 25/1. But still.
Sinitta : Screw you everyone but Emma Bunton! Screw you and your adherance to this dumb “tot up the number of mistakes” school of judging. Skating is about so much more than “not making mistakes”. It’s about ARTISTRY! And ELEGANCE! AND BEING SINITTA! She did a lovely routine, and then got screwed over with a stupid dumb lift, and then she CRIED and I barely wanted to watch any more. Worst first elimination ever. Especially given the other women on display.
Heather Mills : NUTTIN BUT CHARIDEE WORK FOR SIXTEEN YEARS! I love this crazy loon, and how Matt Evers of all people has completely bought into her nonsense. Sure she’s doing fine for now, but wait until she has to jump, or to use props, or to actually rely on people who watch the show not hating her? She’s done. Which is sad, because I kind of enjoy her batty ass. WHERE ARE THE AMPUTEE ICE-SKATUHS? BRING IT ON!