It’s alright Craig, you can come out now…
Best Judge : Bruno Tonioli – all I needed from him was to get a bit bitchier. He did.
(Runner up : Craig Revell Horwood – 2 or 3 less “dahling”s and you might have had it)
Worst Judge : Len Goodman – nice try Alesha, but NOBODY out-obnoxiouses the Goodman
Best Judging Moment : YOU RODE HER AROUND THE FLOOR, DRIVING HER INTO A STATE OF ECSTASY!
(Runners-Up : Audience : Boo, Alesha : *face* ; Craig’s drunk so who cares? ; RIGOR…MORTIS
Worst Judging Moment : ANIMAL IMAGERY GOES WRONG!
(Runners-Up) : I HAD TO ENDURE THAT! ; YOU’RE DEE-STRUCTIVE -YOU’RE DESTROYING THESE PEOPLE! ; IT WILL BE AN ACT OF INJUSTICE ON A PAR WITH THE BIRMNGHAM 6 IF RICKY WHITTLE DOES NOT MAKE THE FINAL! ; IF WHAT I READ IN THE PAPERS IS TRUE… YOU TWO ARE FUCKING! ; WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE LYNDA BELLINGHAM! (Oh my God there were so many…)
Best VT Storyline : Jade & Ian go scare some old people
(Runners-Up : Jade & Ian go back to school ; Jade & Ian do athletics training (I know…why don’t I just MARRY Jade & Ian?) ; James & Chris & Ola have a threesome/move house, for no reason…here’s Evander Holyfield ; Phil doesn’t deserve a banana ; Joe’s dad is Super Mario)
Worst VT Storyline : BLACKPOOL CURES CANCER? I WANNA GO!
(Runners-Up : Zoe needs more confidence…and again…and again ; LAILA & ANTON DEFINITELY DON’T HATE EACH OTHER!!!!! ; Erin gets bored and resorts to a half-assed Miss Whiplash impression ; Ali & Brian go on a totally real and non-cringeworthy date ; LOOK WHO’S INJURED! ; LOOK WHO’S INJURED TOO! ; LOOK WHO’S INJURED NOW!)
Best Host : Claudia
Worst Host : Bruce… it’s time.
Most Tedious Pointless Controversy : BRING BACK ARLENE!
(Runners-Up : Anton says a word – Erin, Bruce and Len won’t stop making it worse ; OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO RIG IT AGAINST TEAM CO….oh ; OH MY GOD WHY HAVE THEY NOT COME UP WITH A CONTINGENCY PLAN FOR SOMEONE GETTING SERIOUSLY BUT POSSIBLY NOT PERMANANTLY INJURED IN THE SAME WEEK AS SOMEONE ELSE SPRAINING HER ANKLE WHILST THE HOST IS ILL AND THE PERSON WHO SHOULD REPLACE THE SERIOUSLY INJURED PERSON UNDER THE RULES OF THE SHOW HAS FUCKED THEIR KNEES?! IT’S SOOOOOOOOOOOO OBVIOUS WHAT THEY SHOULD DOOOOOOOOO!)
Best Pro Dance – Natalie Lowe’s gaymazing quickstep. HER NAME IS LOLITA!
(Runners-Up : The Moulin Rouge cha cha, Vincent & Flavia’s tango-waltz, Ian’s cha-cha feat. IAN & ERIN 4EVA!)
Most Embarassing Wheezing Showbiz Results Show Corpse : Andy Williams
(Runners-Up : Daddy Bee-Gee, Bette Midler, Whatever crawled down James Morrison’s throat and died)
Most Bullshit Elimination : Phil Tuffnall
(Runners-Up : Ali Bastian, Zoe Lucker… that’s about it)
Queen Of All Pros : Erin Boag
(Runners-Up : Flavia Cacace, Katya Virshilas, Natalie Lowe) (Come on Lilya… I BELIEVE IN 2010!)
King Of All Pros : Ian Waite
(Runners-Up : Brendan Cole, Matthew Cutler, Vincent Simone) (Same to you Darren)
Best Celebrity – Personality : Jade Johnson – the greatest tranny make-up, pirate outfit, diva fit having, finger-snapping, becoming a lady, hip shaking, cobweb wearing Strictly diva of THEM ALL
(Runners Up – Ali Bastian, Chris Hollins, Phil Tuffnall)
Best Celebrity – Talent : Ricky Whittle WUZZ ROBBED! etc etc
(Runners-Up – Ali Bastian, Jade Johnson, Zoe Lucker)
Worst Celebrity – Personality : Joe Calzaghe – No personality on the show, then whined about conspiracies when he left – MARVELLOUS
(Runners Up – Martina Hingis (LIVEN UP!), Natalie Cassidy (CALM DOWN!), Rav Wilding (STOP GURNING!)
Worst Celebrity – Talent : Richard Dunwoody
(Runners-Up – Joe Calzaghe (only narrowly shaded out from winning by virtue of his Finals Jive), Jo Wood, Craig Kelly)
Monkseal’s Top 10 Least Favourite Dances Of The Series :
10. Natalie Cassidy’s Foxtrot – Magic Moments : What’ll Haunt My Nightmares – Her cross-eyes wobbling around in space.
9. Ricky Groves’ Tango – U Got The Look : Erin’s dress
8. Craig Kelly’s Cha Cha – Easy Lover : That Zoe was eliminated and I had to endure THAT
7. Laila Rouass’ Salsa – Cogele el Gusto : Her tripping up 5 seconds in and staring at Anton like she was going to murder him.
6. Craig Kelly’s Samba – Give It Up : Flavia trying to give him a hint via song-choice and him still ignoring it
5. Jo Wood’s Samba – Superstition : The return of Kate Garraway SPECIAL MOVE – KER-SPLAT!
4. Richard Dunwoody’s Cha Cha – I’m Your Man : The fact that if you’d stuck the boob-plant from the waltz in, it’d have been number 1
3. Jo Wood’s Foxtrot – Crazy : The fact that I’ve seen paraplegics with more mobility
2. Rav Wilding’s Quickstep – We Go Together : LIKE WOOBIE DEE WOOBIE DEE CARTWHEEL!
1. Joe Calzaghe’s Cha Cha and Tango – Chain Of Fools and Cite Tango : The fact that he was favourite to win when he did them AND I STILL CAN’T DECIDE WHICH WAS WORSE.
Monkseal’s Favourite 20 Dances Of The Series :
20. Ali Bastian’s Salsa – Quimbara : Why yes I am determined to drive you away from this list clutching your brains saying “Monkseal has no idea” right off the bat. Whatever, it was never Ali’s fast Latin I had a massive problem with, it was the fact that se couldn’t do “passionate” to save her life. Not that she was amazing at it, but seeing someone only a little bit amazing doing decent salsa choreography on this show was enough to beat every other salsa all series long.
19. Phil Tuffnall’s Waltz – Sam : Tuffers can dance. Who knew?
18. Zoe Lucker’s Paso Doble – You Got The Love : If it wasn’t for the arrangement (a mangling of an already mangled (damn you FLORENCE AND THE WASHING MACHINE!) song) I think this would probably get more love. Dramatic, haughty and FULL OF THE WHIFF OF SPANISH ONIONS and so on. If nothing else you have to love the bit in the middle where she completely forgets what she’s doing and just hoiks up her skirt and swishes it around like a crazy. It’s not Alesha Dixon levels of covering, but it’ll do.
17. Ricky Whittle’s Foxtrot – Too Marvelous For Words : And again, if it weren’t for the most uber-smug of all song choices this might get more love as well. Lovely, frothy, glamorous, and Old Hollywood in a way their American Smooth totally missed in a flurry of half-hearted contemporary dance, it was the first sign that Ricky Whittle was one of the few competitors to legitimately have received a rocket up the ass from being in the Bottom Two.
16. Chris Hollins’ Showdance – Do You Love Me? : MASHED POTATOES!
15. Ali Bastian’s Quickstep – I Get A Kick Out Of You : For being that ever rare Strictly gift that keeps on giving – a dance that actually gets better with every viewing. First time I saw it I was bit bored. Second time I was a little bit in love. When I re-watched it for this list I WAS AMAZED. Who knows what would happen if I watched it again? I might DIE OF ORGASM!
14. Ricky Whittle’s Showdance – Last Dance : SUPER MEGA NO HANDS LIFT!
13. Natalie Cassidy’s Quickstep – To Vuo’ Fa’ Americana : Ah Blackpool. The promised land. Probably would have had slightly more impact if only 2 or 3 pilgrims managed to make their way there instead of half the cast, but then we wouldn’t have had the patented BLACKPOOL MAGIC which caused two of the eight dancers to do their only dance that made this list. Natalie first, bouncing around gleefully to a quickstep that was far too difficult for her. Joyous, buoyant and exciting, before the nosedivery into suckery which caused her to produce her 4 worst dances all in a row immediately afterwards.
12. Zoe Lucker’s Rumba – Out Of Reach – Because if nothing else, James can rumba. Even his attempt with Georgina had a little more summin’ summin’ than she really warranted.
11. Phil Tuffnall’s Tango – Back To Black – Let’s face it kids, the tangos this year sucked. Ricky’s was too big, Ali’s was too timid, Jade’s was mildly disappointing and all the rest were either unmemorable, or Erin in…that thing. So when Phil took the stage and ate up every drop of your attention, whilst the Katbot flickered her legs centimetres away from his face, and Amy Winehouse droned away in the background, it cemented my love for him as a contestant, and her as a new pro forever. Or at least until next series.
10. Chris Hollins Argentine Tango – Bust Your Windows : Even in my jaded little Chris denying world I couldn’t ignore the genius of this. A fairly simple Argentine Tango, sold intensely and passionately and actually not too shabbily technically, this was the dance that said that, whilst you didn’t have to think Chris should have made the final, or even the semis, really it would have said badly of you if you didn’t at least consider it.
9. Jade Johnson’s Quickstep – Fascination : I’m not going to lie, I almost put Chris’ rumba to “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” on the list just because of the music choice. So you can only imagine what happens when you pair a song that I love with a dance that’s actually quite good. 9th place, that’s what.
8. Ali Bastian’s American Smooth – A Foggy Day In London Town : Frankly I thought it a lot better than her “perfect” second attempt. Lovely, charming, with the advent of the FLOATING SHIITAKE MUSHROOM MOMENT and the cause of Bruno shouting IS MAGIC TIME! And they didn’t effing snog at the end. What more can you ask for?
7. Jade Johnson’s Viennese Waltz – It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World : Look I disliked that “I’m learning to be a soft elegant lady” stuff as much I claimed to. And I don’t really like the softy softy girly style of dancing on this show, because it’s danced without a drop of intensity. It’s why Ali’s iteration of the Viennese Waltz isn’t on the list (Sorry, Alien fans). The thought of Jade softening her natural amazingness into something diluted and palatable was anathema to me. But this was a hardcore brooding Viennese Waltz and it moved around the floor at an almost deadly pace. I loved it.
6. Laila Rouass’ Paso Doble – Layla : This being the other one. I quite liked Laila at the beginning. She and Anton had a cute dynamic, she was an alright dancer, and maybe it was time for Anton to… well make a final at least? But then there was the unpleasantness, and she hit the fast Latin face-first, and she seemed a bit… disengaged and lazy and it all fell to bits. But for one night, in BLACKPOOL it all came together and she swished and vamped fit to win the show. If only I’d seen any of this anywhere else it might have gone a bit better.
5. Ricky Whittle’s Waltz 2 – Kissing You – It made Natalie Lowe cry. In the good way. Need I say more?
4. Ali Bastian’s Charleston – Pencil Full Of Lead : A rebuke to the increasingly obvious and embarassing thought pattern of the show that someone should suggest that Ali should go see an acting coach, the Charleston showed that, whilst Ali couldn’t do passion, she sure could do alcoholic man-sized puppet comes to life. And who knows how that will play out in a future acting career. I suggest a reboot of Mannequin. Loose, silly, floppy and really the only Charleston that actually resembled what I was expecting (Laila just standing still whilst Anton mugs doesn’t count)
3. Ricky Whittle’s Quickstep – Down With Love : After Natalie Lowe’s gaymazing pro showcase quickstep, hopes were high, unless you were still grumbling that Lilia only got 17.2% of the screentime and it WASN’T FAIR BECAUSE LILIA NEEDS TO BE SHOWCASED in which case… you needed to get over it. And then… they delivered. Oh how they delivered. Fast, bouncy, joyful and probably one of the least controversial perfect scores all series when it was reprised in the final, and when Len called it the best quickstep ever by a celebrity male, the lack of blowback was testimony alone to its genius.
2. Jade Johnson’s Samba – Independent Women Pt2 : Best dance ever to have been in the bottom 2. Made Penny Lancaster Stewart’s Proud Mary samba look positively hetero. Danced wearing a glittery cobweb that left nothing to the imagination, even for THIS show. Ended with her spinning Ian around his arse and then stamping on him AND THEN POINTING AT CRAIG AND LAUGHING. IT HAD “QUESTION!” IN IT! After last year’s slightly…tragic effort with Jodie, if ever you needed proof that Ian knows samba, this was it.
1. Ricky Whittle’s Argentine Tango – Verano Porteno : So for the second series in a row, an Argentine Tango heavily involving Vincent is my favourite. I guess the guy knows his stuff. The Semi-final Waltz would probably have been enough. That this came afterwards, prompting a standing ovation, Natalie to go even more mental, Ricky’s dad to beam with pride, Len to start screaming about JUSTICE, all the pros and other celebs to get to their feet, and the voting public to get up on their feet, after two weeks (and possibly longer) of ignoring him completely, and vote. That’s how good it was. Of all the things built up on this show this series? The Argentine Tango round delivered.
So that’s it. Another series over. See y’all later in the year and remember in the interim : SYTYCD recaps are at bitchyouthinkyoucandance.blogspot.com