X Factor – Michael Jackson & Any Old Bollocks Week

GAGA!

(And some other people, at some other point, I think)

Olly Murs : There’s a certain syndrome that happens with these shows. You start off liking someone, the public like the same person. It’s sweet, because normally I’m quite at odds with the public vote. But then, either the public like different aspects of the performer than you do, or at least, the producers/performers think they do, because the little tics you don’t like (the god-awful dancing, the misguided belief you have “soul”) get focused on more and more, until the bits you did like are gone, and all you’re left with is a mediocre voice barely honking out “Can You Feel It?” (in this case basically an inuendo in search of a performance) and the (sorry Stevie) awful Stevie Wonder arrangement of “We Can Work It Out” which stomps all over the sweet spot in the song.

Still at least when he got through this week he had the appropriate nellie meltdown, and didn’t pump his fist and yell “CUM’ORRRRRRRRRN!” like a tit. At that moment last week I would have wished anything for one of the mentors to have been Margaret Mountford.

Joe McElderry : Ugh, God “With Open Arms”. The ugly dreadful yang to “Don’t Stop Believin”s ying. Seriously could Simon be any more obviously in his corner? I can’t really decide if it’s because Simon thinks he’s the best prospect, or if it’s because he’s yomping home in the vote so handily that Simon just wants to look like he’s really smart, which really is the entire point of this show these days. Two more perfectly competent performances from Geordie Joe, although ladled on one after the other the two performances really were too much earnest angst for words. Really, if he wants that career in musical theatre he’s going to have to show a little bit more range and work out how to do a performance without a camera to latch onto like a lion onto a wounded gazelle.

Stacey Solomon : I was so close to getting my ideal reality tv show moment. I honestly thought (for the splittiest of seconds)¬†that when she was put through and didn’t react at all, she might just shrug and go “eh”. And possibly then go on to reveal her “Sally Hawkings In Happy Go Lucky minus 10 IQ point” persona was all just an act.¬† But no, she was stunned into blankness or something. God bless Dannii for sticking her in a hat and making her do “The Way You Make Me Feel” with a silly dance routine. It was terrifying but at least some effort was made to crowbar out of her ballad box. Of course then she does the big ballad from the West End show like the whole previous performance never happened. And got the plaudits and the applause, even though the last glory note (of a few) was flat as hell. Oh X Factor, never change. Oh that’s right, you won’t. Ever.

Danyl Johnson : You can tell he’s been practicing that exit since he was in the bottom 2 the first time. Credit to him though, he actually came across as fairly humble and a good sport off his own bat, as opposed to every the show has ordered him to be humble and likable, when it’s died on its arse. What was up with that video screen though? If anything did for him, it was that. I can’t believe Simon didn’t want him in the final over Olly, so that seems like it might have been a genuine miscalculation on his part. Sometimes you see these little chinks in the Simon armour, where something he thinks the public will love goes down like a cold bucket of sick. I can’t quite decide if the Whitney performance was a case of the same thing. On the one hand he nailed it, on the other, it was WHITNEY.

Ah well, he’s gone now. Following Lloyd. Not literally, I hasten to add. Obviously.

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