Hot on the heels of “Songs From The Movies” week? Oh X Factor, you are really spoiling me this year. What next? Stereophonics Week? Pixie Lott Week? Vacuum Cleaner Noise Week?
Jamie Afro : I wish I could feel for him getting played like this, but given how personally grating to me he’d got (I read in the papers this week tat he’d said he couldn’t work with the advice Dannii or Cheryl gave, because he’s always too busy gawping at their tits to pay attention. *mort*), I just can’t. Still, Simon needed to “get his comeuppance” or “what he did to that poor girl Lucie” and he can’t lose Danyl (too controversial) or Olly (too popular) so Jamie Afro it was. Stick him on first, give him Radio Gaga to sing (and really, who gives a shit about Radio Gaga), set Louis up with an insatiable bloodlust towards him, and let nature take its course. Having said that, it was beyond time given that so many of his performances were basically out of tune. I don’t know if his voice got raddled by too much throat singing and too many song changes, but it was shot to pieces by the end. And that Nuremburg Rally clapping and power-fist making was mildly disturbing. You know if Simon told people to overthrow the government (probably in the name of sodding Jedward at this point) half of them would do it.
Lloyd Daniels : I agree with the judges – this was by far Lloyd’s best performance to date, although that’s not saying much. It’s really odd that the songs of Queen, fronted by a man with one of the strongest and most powerful voices in the history of 20th century pop, should fit so easily to people with quite weak voices, but there we go. I guess “Crazy Little Thing Could Love” is as close a fit as you can get to Lloyd’s whole alt-jazz-swing voice within the category. I wasn’t entirely sure about the staging though. A giant cut-out heart and a bunch of girls dressed as motorcycles? I know you’re burning up a lot of time and creativity on the twins Bryan, but surely you can do better than that? I know it’s only Lloyd, but come on.
Olly Murs : Oh dear. It’s all getting a little bit repetitive isn’t it? Here’s an idea, how about taking the excuse of having his hand in plaster to do a slower song? One that doesn’t involve bouncing around doing sub-Timberlake body-popping and embarassingly itchy dancing and (ugh) spirit fingers? Oh no, we can’t have that, let’s do “Don’t Stop Me Now”. The thing with “Don’t Stop Me Now” is that it requires total physical commitment. The only bearable dance routine I’ve seen to it was at 2am in a dive bar in Coventry by some marginally overweight woman who just WENT WITH IT. Vocally he was a little underwhelming as well, and again it’s really the sort of song where you need to yell it, otherwise it’s just too half-hearted. Queen don’t really do “quite excited”. Go large or go home Olly Murs.
Joe McElderry : So I think it’s fairly obvious at this point that Cheryl Cole is a big fan of Glee yes/no? I’m hoping this means that Joe’s big duet in the final (should he make it) will be with Jane Lynch. I mean, it’d confuse the hell out of everyone else, but I’d be enjoying myself. And just like Olly, it really suffered from him underselling it. It’s a shame that, for someone so clearly heading for the West End that you might as well stick him on the Northern Line now, hstill hasn’t managed to convincingly act a performance all series. This song’s about being terribly lonely and reaching out to any and all higher authorities to make someone come along for you to direct all the pent up longing in your heart at, not…well actually his performance didn’t really convey much of anything did it? Beyond teeth. His big shiny hypnotic upper row of teeth. It’s always surprising for me when contestants on this show can’t convincingly portray “desperate”.
John & Edward : You know how shambolic and awful they’ve got? I didn’t even notice Calvin Harris running on halfway through with a pineapple on his head. It just felt like it might have been a legitimate part of the performance. And when that happens, surely it’s time to finish this. I can’t even deal with them any more. They clearly had to scrape and trawl through all their to-camera footage to find shit that was ironically hilarious and the best they could come up with was a half-joking assurance that they were meeting the band Queen, not the actual Queen? Weak sauce X Factor. Weak weak sauce. Maybe their vocals were a little bit better this week, but I’m not even sure they weren’t miming, and even if they weren’t the backing vocallists were carrying most of it (although admittedly that’s true for half a dozen performances tonight). And then there was the rapping. Good God, the rapping… On the other hand, if they’d done Fat Bottomed Girls? Best thing ever.
Stacey Solomon : OK, so they need to keep her in for as long as possible, because the show’s just realised she’s the only girl they’ve got left, and this shit looks bad. So they give her the one Queen song she can do, and manufacture a moment performance for her, even thouh her vocals are a little wobbly and really, how hard is this song to do if you’ve got a big voice? “Mumble mumble mumble WHO WAAAAAAAAAANTS TO LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE FOREVAHHHHHHHHHHHHH mumble mumble mumble”. It’s not exactly a stretch. Not that I still don’t love Stacey, but I wasn’t terribly blown away or anything. Maybe that’s just because it’s Queen week and I’m always going to find it hard to summon up the energy for Queen Week. I did like the quite sweet moment she had with Dannii Minogue though. Simon looks like he’d have his contestants limbs removed if they even tried to make eye contact with him, so them having a little hug was quite sweet.
Danyl Johnson : Dear Danyl, if you don’t want people thinking you’re arrogant, probably best not to sing “We Are The Champions” isn’t it?