I’ll get this out there now – Songs From The Movies week is always an abomination. Songs overplayed to the point of nausea, really dull obvious choices, musical theatre songs being called musical theatre, Meaty Minge Niki Evans doing “All That Jazz”, endless wank about what really constitutes “a song that has been in a film at some point, do music videos count as films, probably, shrug”. Also I watched this week’s show hung over. So this will not be a happy entry.
Stacey Solomon : OK for a start this whole performance fell down in the first place on the fact that it was a whole referendum on “sexy”. And it was “Son Of A Preacher Man”. Son Of APreacher Man is nots exy in the way that X Factor likes to think of as sexy. It’s not a leather and titties sort of song. It was done by Dusty Springfield for goodness sakes. Dusty Springfield had many, many talents, but I don’t think “giving Simon Cowell a boner” would ever have been in her bag of tricks. So to see Stacey Solomon vamping around with her boobs on display was a little bit disconcerting. It wasn’t terribly well sung, or particularly interesting, but, hey, it’s Movie Week, so’s everything.
Olly Murs : It says so much to me that Ferris Bueller is one of Simon Cowell’s favourite film characters of all time. Ferris Bueller is a cock. As for Olly…well it’s the same thing every week isn’t it? The thing with Robbie Williams is, as much as I din’t like him, he does constantly mix things up orbiting around his basic “cheeky chappy with the ladies” schtick. Olly’s swivelly dancing, female dancers and constant up-tempo old-fashioned numbers are getting a bit old at this point, even though I do still basically like him. Louis was write – Twist & Shout is a silly song, and Simon’s defence of it as being automatically not silly just because it was by The Beatles is laughable. Octopus’ Garden? Yellow Submarine? Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da? And many, many others…
Lloyd Daniels : Bless Lloyd, he’s so sweet and so dull. “I like Stand By Me, because it’s about friends who do things. I also have friends and do things, so I identify”. I’m kind of glad he escaped the bottom 2 this week, just because I think his self-esteem needed a bit of a boost, and he’s really not awful. That said, this was a mess, and a rip-off of an American Idol performance to boot, so obviously I’m automatically again it. Kudos to Cheryl for getting one of her acts to sing directly to her abuot how beautiful she is though. That ego’s not getting any smaller.
Jamie Archer : I’m so disappointed they didn’t show any clips of “Gummo” to illustrate why this was a totally legitimate song choice. There are so many choice bits to select from : the cat drowning, the glue sniffing, the bit where the adolescent boy discovers a lump on his girlfriends breast during sex-play, the gay midget seduction scene, the Downs Syndrome prostitute… I think its themes of working class disconnection and un-knowing nihilism would realy have inspired the X Factor audience. But now they probably think it’s about some nice boy discovering how to re-love life via a relationship with a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Jamie’s performance? Shit.
Lucie Jones : Ok Camp Rock? Not a movie. Never had a theatrical release so it’s just not a movie. It’s a tv show dressed up as a movie, as so many Disney things are these days. That aside, I feel sorry for Dannii after stumbling down the dead end suggested by last week’s performance. She thought she’d found an identity for Lucie in the cod-teen “cred-musician” genre and ran with it. Unfortunately we don’t really have the infrastructure for that here, so basically she was turned into Brittania High, then suffered the consequences. I’m not particularly sorry she’s gone, because she deserved better than Simon’s bullshit boring “shock elimination” (seriously, if you’re going to do one of those, then script it better, because that was a contrived mess). Sigh. Only one girl left X Factor. What happened?
Danyl Johnson : I do kind of admire him for taking this on in retrospect, because Ruth Lorenzo owned it so hard last year that it takes some serious cojones to take her on. Obviously he didn’t even come close, because where there was a big burning firey ball of passion and anger in the centre of Ruth, there’s a basic pissiness and petulance at the heart of Danyl that prevents him really selling these big numbers properly, but it was certainly his best performance of the series to date. What went terribly wrong was his hair though. That didn’t need to happen. At all. There are better ways he could have reinvented himself. Dressing up as Prince would have been a start.
John & Edward : Oj John & Edward. On the one hand it was kind of amazing ; the running around shouting “HOLD ME EDWARD I’M SCARED!” and what-not ; the 5ft tall Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man with a melted face dancing the Electric Boogaloo in the background ; the fact that of all the iconic Ghostbusters images you choose not Slimer, or the proton packs or any of that, but fricking ZUUL. But on the other hand their fans have actually started saying things like “they’re the only act to show improvement” and “they actually sang really well in the Bottom 2” and…no. I cannot facilitiate that bullshit, I just can’t.
Joe McElderry : Too musical theatre ; didn’t read.