The X Factor – Big Bland Week

Well, Big Bland and U2. And Ricky Martin. And Disney.

Still, at least there was no Mack The Knife

Olly Murs : Given his ridiculously tight and shiny trousers last week, and his appearances on Xtra Factor in his tight pants this week, do you think he possibly wants to draw attention toa particular part of his anatomy? You could go off a man (or indeed, get on a man, if you were that way inclined).I loved Simon at the beginning in his VT saying that the song that Olly was singing wasn’t particularly well known. Yeah Simon, apart from the fact that it’s the tune to “Bewitched”. And it’s called “Bewitched”. And you had a couple of sexy witches dancing around him. You weren’t expecting the public to remember it AT ALL. A little bit off for him vocally this week, and the staging was horrendously cheesy, but I guess that’s what you have to expect from Big Band week.

Lloyd Daniels: I really enjoy the energy brought to the show by the very youngest of the Boys category (*careful*). Both Lloyd this year and Eoghan last year have a certain vibe where you can obviously tell that they’re really excited to be on tv and that, but also they’re titanically bored with it and the waiting and the interviews and associated stuff, and don’t really care for singing and performing all that much. They just want the part where they get more girls and don’t have to go to school. And nothing is more a symbol of “will this do?” than a backflip. It’s the tamest possible pushing on the envelope – just a backflip, in the middle of everything, for no reason other than it exists and you can and it’s something to do I suppose. Hence Lloyd Daniels as a whole I guess.

Miss Frank : And just like a backflip is the ultimate sign of “will this do?” so returning to your audition/boot camp.judges houses choices is basically the ultimate signature on your own death warrant as an X Factor act. Why would anybody do that? It’s basically saying “yup, we’re four songs in, and we’ve run out of ideas”. As soon as they did that, Rachel Adedeji willing, I knew they were going home. I don’t care that Graziella wrote a new rap especially, referencing Dermot and other stuff too boring to recall, it was just pointless. And they were styled awfully. It’s like Louis came back, and everyone involved just stopped caring about the girl-band. Odd that.

Rachel Adedeji : I have never been more terrified watching this show than I was watching Rachel Adedeji this week. And I sat through every one of Nikki “Meaty Minge” Evans’ performances. Because, after two journeys to the Bottom Two, and several ethnic minority acts clearly dragging their arses in the vote somebody clearly decided that her “personality” was to come out, and come out it did, launching herself at me like a face-hugger out of an air vent in Aliens. Ugly clothes, new crap hair, and a personality bordering on the hysteric. She was doing one of my favourite songs ever and I could barely even look at it. I kind of miss the girl from judges houses who just sang, rather than just being a gimmick hysteric factory. This show breaks people sometimes. And then it reconstructs them all wrong.

Jamie Archer : I know Michael Buble has worked in the entertainment industry for years, and so is probably more au fait with industry standards of practice and behaviour, but I have been told repeatedly that the one thing you do not do in this life is to go up to a black person and be all “oooh, I love your hair, can I touch it?”. Wait to be invited people. Seriously. Anyway, I’m with Louis. This was total cheating, particularly as he was written out of Big Band directly into rock music. How CONVENIENT. Simon whinging “we only had 24 hours” was particularly comical, because the only reason he HAD 24 hours was presumably because he was so crap at the first song. My heart bleeds. And it was still shit.

Stacey Solomon : Oh dear. What’s weird with Stacey is that the utter disconnect between her personality and her performing style is established by now. We know that off-stage, she’s going to be bubbly and gushing and actually quite sharp, whereas in the zone she’s going to be perfect and otherworldly and clear. So when she fucks up, and sounds horrendous, it’s like seeing some weird third dimension of her that doesn’t make any sense at all. Like some sort of Event Horizon shit. I’m not sure how I’d feel being her son and having this dedicated to me, because it kind of seems like her entire life apart from this exact moment would be better as a tribute than this off-key honking.

Danyl Johnson : There was something deeply satisfying about him ending up in the bottom two. About 20% for him (and the frantic scrambling on Xtra Factor afterwards, when literally all he said all show was “I love everyone in the house, we get on really well, honest” was a particular sight to be hold) and partly for Simon. Even thought Simon must have seen the vote totals for the last two weeks and therefore possibly seen it coming (although the Laura White vote similarly started off alright and then collapsed spectacularly) it was immensely satisfying to see his smugness punctured. Anyway, it’s probably for the best, because when you see yourself staring down Danyl Johnson’s throat for the 17th time is the time you realise that he has no range or variety to him or his performances whatsoever.

Joe McElderry : It’s very very difficult to watch someone try to “be sexy” on national television in front of a huge audience. Especially if they’re clearly not naturally disposed towards “being sexy”. Bless him he tried, and “Sway”s kind of a difficult song to make sexy as it’s simultaneously obviously about sex and not obviously about sex enough. And the dancing boys were a bit much as well. After Danyk’s vote meltdown he’s now the favourite with the public, which is fair enough but his vocals on this were right back to where they were at Boot Camp – clearly the slowies are his target market and if has too many more of these performances he might struggle.

Lucie Jones : So this was the voice everyone was telling me she had way back before Judges Houses. I was wondering when we might get to hear it. I’m still of a kind that nobody will ever rock this song quite like Melinda Doolittle, but damnit she gave it a good go, and really justified her place in the upper half of the contestants expectations wise. So of course Simon had to ruin it all with the worst judging of the series telling her “she sang that like an actress”, then refused to expand on that, then said that he couldn’t put into words, then moaning all “it’s just an opinion”. Yeah, a half-assed non-articulated opinion from someone who’s supposed to be a judge. SIMON. God, the suckage from the right hand side of the judes table is EXTREME this year.

John & Edward : So they’re the top group as you always knew they would be if you ever paid attention to this show (hint : they have no girls in them…hang on that didn’t come out right.) so cease your booing audience. It is epically classless. Frankly if an act can’t outweigh these two buffoons in the public vote they deserve to go home, because they’re certainly not going to survive in the actual pop charts. Having said that, once again they weren’t half as interesting or entertaining as people say they are, but if they provoke more diva fits from Cheryl (this week back to calling them her guilty pleasures and what-not as though she didn’t scream at them like a snotty bitch at the close of last week’s show) and Simon, then all the better.

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