a) If someone wins The Apprentice because they’ve got a magic nail file again, I will KICK OFF.
b) I can’t help but feeling that a large part of what made Andrew Lord Eyebags shows endearing is going to be lost in the translation to ITV (by which I mostly mean “Graham Norton”)
c) The Voice looks like it could be the most boring and self-righteous reality show of all time.
d) That could count either way in how much fun it’d be to recap to be honest.
e) I would rather slice open my eyeballs with lemon-drenched razors than try to get screencaps off ITV Player, so the Lord Eyebags Show MAY end up being text-only if I recap it.

Chico & Jodeyne Higgins : And so, the Chico Silmani Self-Help bandwagon rolls on for another week. Fresh from the giddy high of receiving the first praise he’s ever got for anything ever in his entire life ever last week, he’s already come on leaps and bounds, and now is ready to show the world that’s there’s more to him than just “Chico Time”. I mean I knew that already, because I remember this, and how all eating disorders IMMEDIATELY DISAPPEARED afterwards but, you know, the public are fickle and have probably even forgotten how Chico is only bettered globally in the field of celebrity air-hostessing by Lisa Maffia and Amy Lame. As such he’ll just have to show us all his multi-faceted personality via the medium of ice-dance on ice. This week? LIP-SYNCING TO A POP CLASSIC WHILST DRESSED IN OUTLANDISH COSTUMES. Now let’s face it, this is a side of him we never got to see on X Factor ever. In other news, forcing Jodeyne into a US army uniform to perform Top Gun only makes the fact that this show is her ‘Nam more apparent. Next series, when she’s partnered with Arg from TOWIE and starts shivering and muttering about Charlie, don’t say I didn’t warn you. In further news…”Chicotito” *shakes head*

Rosemary Conley & Mark Hanretty: Only on this show would “going up a gear” be best achieved by skating to “Wind Beneath My Wings”. What fucking gear was she in before? Because it can’t have been reverse, because that would be…well impressive, because most of these people can’t skate forwards, let alone backwards. But still, the lie was committed to, and Rosemary BUSTED OUT ALL OVER (in Gubba’s dreams, the weird old perv) to Bette Midler. I like to think that in her head she was singing it to Mr Motivator. Or Fred The Weatherman. Or…I dunno, Denise. All her This Morning family who have definitely shown up to support her thus far because she was SO WELL LOVED. Anyway, Rosemary skated to the theme tune to Beaches, and didn’t die of viral cardiomyopathy on the way round, although there were points, especially in the lifts, where it looked like she was giving it a damn good go. And in the end, it was not enough for the judges, who commanded her to, no, really, LET GO AND GO WILD next week. I wonder which song will accompany this BURST OF ENERGY? Video Games? No Surprises? Last Night I Dreamed That Somebody Loved Me? In other news : she did a woopsie in training. That’s age for you. In other news : Chris and Jayne still hate her.

SAMANDMARK & Alexandra Schulman: To be honest I don’t really want to watch this routine again, or even think about it. I just want to watch Katarina pretending to be a cuddly kung-fu panda, wafting around vaguely and hypnotically, forever. This isn’t JUST because I was hoping the costumes that he and Alexandra were wearing made me hope for The Karate Kid, and hence Joe Esposito. There’s not enough Joe Esposito on these shows, that’s what I’ve always thought. You’d think he’d be a natural fit for the ITV1 audience. I could just about have accepted a routine to Kung Fu Panda if he had in fact been dressed as an actual panda but as it was, even with Alexandra over-acting the BEJESUS out of it, I was left unmoved. I don’t know why nobody noticed that, bad-ass backflip aside he looked like he fully expected to fall over the entire way round is beyond me, but I guess Louie was too busy demonstrating his preferred fisting technique to us all to bring it up. (What? Fisting is another word for punching!)

Chemmy Allcott & Sean Rice: I really have held off from whinging about the film-choices for as long as I can, but who the wiggins associates Rescue Me with Sister Act? My Guy, yes. I Will Follow Him, yes. Maybe even Heat Wave. But Rescue Me? Eh. I mean, I appreciate the effort to get Chemmy to perform as a stripping ice-skating nun (and yes, she was right, it was better in the habit) but…no. Anyway, the story of Chemmy this week was her over-reaching herself utterly, committing herself to a lift that there was no way on Earth she could do, then awkwardly flopping around on Sean’s shoulder like a cross between Big-Mouth Billy Bass and someone awkwardly failing at planking. Then getting weirdly defensive and “WELL AT LEAST I TRIED! AT LEAST I WAS BRAVE AND PUSHED MYSELF!” about it. Yes you did Chemmy, and it sucked. The lesson here being “never try”. Fortunately for Chemmy, it sounded a bit like Katarina called her fat, or something, or at least you could interpret it that way if you wanted to be outraged, so she escaped the bottom two. Hopefully next week she gets choreography without quite so many things she can’t actually do in it. In other news : I’ve never seen anyone trolling harder to be on TV Burp than Phillip when he said “DID YOU HAVE TROUBLE GETTING IT UP?!?!??!” or whatever to Sean Rice. Such a try-hard and the show’s not even airing currently.

Corey Feldman & THE THING & Brooke Castille: Does anyone have a clue what’s going on with Corey and this show? To summarise, he did a routine themed around Stand By Me, a film he was in so…should theoretically have somewhat accurate memories of, talked a lot about dead people he knew, then spent the whole routine doing Michael Jackson dance moves, with giant train-tracks in the background, suggesting some sort of weird time travel revisionist version of the film wherein the corpse by the tracks is in fact the King Of Pop. “Why?” is a question you would ask yourself, unless you were Corey, who clearly has never asked “why?” in his life, the primary evidence for which fact being THAT THING sat on his forehead. I feel sorry for Brooke, genuinely and sincerely, because the level of high-maintenance queenery displayed by Corey in that TITANIC STROP he threw after the judges scores came in is not anything any human being should deal with, especially with Brooke’s high levels of natural positivity. And in fairness, she didn’t – she just dumped him on Pixie-Witch Frankie to deal with. Attagirl. I like to think Frankie One-Name was dripping poison in his ear, making him one of her flying monkeys.

Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston: I have to give props to Jennifer Ellison, because it takes balls to try to steal the limelight with THAT LEVEL of injury porn going on. I half expected her to skate out in a full body cast. That’ll teach Daniel Whiston to ever think HE was the star of this partnership. I kind of wish Daniel had insisted on a last-minute lyric change so they would be skating to the song “WHISTON!” from the movie Dreamgirls. And then dressed Fred Haversack up in a fat suit as Effie White for a ONE NIGHT ONLY (LOL, DO YOU SEE?) cameo. The routine? Was fine, and made good use of quite elegant skating and emotive choreography to hide the fact that she was in near-crippling tear-inducing pain throughout. And quite right too. As Chris and Jayne pointed out, if they didn’t puncture a lung on a fractured rib, then they just weren’t SKATING HARD ENOUGH.

MARKANDSAM & Frankie: Oh good, a Blues Brothers routine. I haven’t seen enough of these from inept male contestants on reality shows in my life time. John Belushi would be turning in his grave if he could build up the friction. I do like that Frankie decided to try to avert the Belushi-Wrath by turning up as an anorexic Roy Orbison. I love that there was so little to this routine (although…it’s hardly alone in being content light this week let’s face it…) that Katarina decided to take offence ON BEHALF OF ICE for how little was going on. I guess they feel they’ve got to take cues from Strictly given that it is now a RATINGS JUGGERNAUT THAT DESTROYED X FACTOR (/beat it by a bit, like, twice?) but at least when they faff around at the beginning of routines on that show they are notionally on the same type of surface that they’re supposed to be performing on throughout. This week was just a bit like Strictly decided to start a routine with one of the contestants splashing around in a kid’s paddling pool. (And who knows, maybe Russell would have done that, given another week?). Anyway, this routine, in the best tradition of all rubbish contrived reality tv feuds, saw the end of the BATTLE OF SAMANDMARK VS MARKANDSAM, as MARKANDSAM went home. Sigh. I’ll remember them…well, mostly like this, but also a bit from this show. Maybe? (LOL at Caroline Flack getting RIGHT in there, the demented pervert).

Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers’ Arse: Hands up everyone who had “with a sexy secretary” as Matt Evers’ Ultimate Dancing On Ice Fantasy Routine? Yeah, hands down, you’re lying. For the record, I’m sort of a secretary, in that I work in administration in my very real life outside of this blog which definitely exists, so I would just like to have on record that I am free for any and all future routine with Matt Evers ON ICE, performing his fantasies. AHEM. That said, Jorgie continued her glorious reign as undisputed “Best Girl At Skating And Thing” this week, although let’s be honest, it’d be really hard to find more than about 5 words to say about any of the actual routines this week. I’ll defer to Gubba for this one : “Jorgie has unusually long fingers. Casanova had long fingers as well. Maybe it’s no coincidence as well that her soap character is always chasing the opposite sex”. (DOES THIS MAN REALISE THAT HIS MICROPHONE IS ON? EVER? AT ALL?) Personally I enjoyed the part of 9 To 5 where Dolly Parton did the doggy paddle at a typewriter, I definitely did. Well done on recreating it, Jorgie.

Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: Dear Robin : if you’re having trouble telling who is the celebrity and who is the professional (and with the calibre of participants…you could forgive him), I’d suggest that the pro ice-skater is probably the one shouting “I AM MORE AFRAID OF MICROPHONE THAN OF ICE SKATE YES? *wink wink*”. I mean I wish I lived in a world where celebrities communicated like that, but we’re not quite there yet. Sadly, this is still Earth. Anyway, Movies Week rattled on through its leading male contender with an obligatory routine based on the disco end of John Travolta’s career. Hence a lot of sexy disco moves and an ill-fitting white suit and lots of pointing. And the odd SIDEWALK SLAM in training. Poor Nina. If she could communicate more accurately in English then maybe she could have had a lengthy VT full of tears and soulful gazing and…I dunno…a single wilted rose in a backlit vase or something. As it was we just got to watch her hip-bone hammered like a gong repeatedly. Poor Nina. In other news : HD is not kind to the whole nest of crows feet that live under Matthew’s eyes. I know he’s dedicated to the show, but SLEEP IS NECESSARY, no matter what Dean says.

Charlene Tilton & BEAVER TEETH And there you were thinking that Alexandra was going to be the most offensive pantomime of Oriental womanhood this evening. Although to fair them pulling at the sides of Charlene’s face til the Hollywood legend she resembled wasn’t so much Marilyn Monroe as Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s was probably accidental. Still, it was all another excuse for Beaver Teeth to play Big Gay Hollywood Dress-Up, and really, isn’t that what every week in their JOURNEY ON ICE is going to be about? To think that she almost got away with that almost utterly content-free skate as well, but bless Charlene if the first words out of her mouth once she was off the ice weren’t something like “LOL, THANKS JAYNE FOR TAKING OUT ALL THE ACTUAL CHOREOGRAPHY LIKE I ASKED YOU TO!”. Such a lack of artifice. I feel a bit sorry for her that she was in the Bottom Two, but soap blondes have trouble enough getting votes on these shows when the soap they’re in aired this millennium so…it’s hardly a surprise.

Sebastien Foucault & Brioche Delcourt: I remember spending most of last series thinking that Sam and Brioche hated one another, and…it’s kind of hard to escape that impression again this year. Maybe it’s just Brioche. Maybe that’s how she relates to other human beings. Whatever it is, the lovely frostiness between the pair of them, combined with Christopher Dean’s “avant-garde” choreography and their EVIL FOREIGN-NESS are turning the pair of them into the perfect series villains for me at this point. But I swear, have you seen anything more pretentious than this routine EVER on this show? And this is a show about ICE-DANCE I’ll remind you. The wibbly-wobbly music, the “cult classic” film, those tits running around in the background with masks on. All it needed was a giant projection of a crying clown shone out onto the ice and it would have been perfection. I think my favourite part of the whole awkwardness of this segment was Louie blatantly not realising that Sebastien is a proper actor nowadays, or at least considers himself one, and giving him the full “I KNOW YOU’RE NOT AN ACTOR BUT…” patronising treatment. Marvellous.

Andy Whyment & Vicky Ogden: Fucking hell, I hate Grease.

Heidi Range & Andrei Lipanov: And so we closed with the obligatory James Bond themed routine. It wouldn’t be “Movie Night” without one. Well, it would on Strictly, but they’re generally much better at doing interesting movie picks rather than the same old shit over and over and OVER again. This is why Movie Week is always the best week in Strictly nowadays, whereas this was…not the best week of this series. And there’s only been three of them. One of which had Laila Morse in. All I really remember of this routine other than it was…you know BETTER, and also for how amazing she looked in that gold, and also how I’d like to be able to blame Amelle for the death of the Sugababes in PEACE TWITTER, I DON’T CARE IF SHE SEEMS LIKE A NICE ENOUGH GIRL, is, of course, the attendant hilarity of when Heidi said that Andrei made her give him a blowy or something giggle giggle. Oh Dancing On Ice. Stay classy. Forever classy.

Creighton Fraker: I’ve made some poor first impressions in my time – I’ve been late for job interviews, I’ve referred to myself by the wrong name by accident, I’ve even annoyed a friend of a friend in a pub so much that he set me a secret “are you a wanker” test, which I failed – and yet even with all that behind me, I think I’d struggle to make such a poor impression as a person who turns up to an American Idol audition with a song he wrote on the way. About American Idol. In which he refers to Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez as “the new two”. He would have been dismissed on the spot for that, if it were down to me. Just to make things even worse, we were subjected to a VT in which he talked about how hard it was to be a starving artist in New York, while wearing a bunny-ears headband. And then he sang another song in the manner of a man desperate to urinate. Seriously, I do not need any of this in my life. So of course the damn judges put him through.

Eben Franckewitz: The desire of reality shows to find the “new Bieber” is growing ever more desperate isn’t it? If Eben Franckewitz resembles any celebrity child-star it’s the kid from Two And A Half Men, but NO. How many records could the kid from Two And A Half Men shift? NONE. Let’s pretend this male child resembles Justin Bieber, simply because he’s a male child. Let’s pretend that everyone walking down the street stops him and comments on his resemblance to Bieber. Let’s have all the judges go on about it. Let’s play “Baby” as loud as we can, over the top of EVERYTHING. God willing, Bieber won’t be famous by the time the live shows come around (because let’s face it…his time is coming) and they’ll have to phase-shift into whoever the new big Disney kid is to style him after. Hopefully it’ll be a girl. I’m sure his very supportive mum would still be very supportive then.

Erika Van Pelt: Erika is a mobile DJ. A mobile DJ is a DJ that plays at many different venues and travels around in a van. You might think this was fairly self-explanatory, but apparently Erika did not, for she explained her profession in minute detail just to clear up any confusion. Oh, and she’s also a wedding singer. Which I guess is how we’re officially marking the Idol era of After Simon now, where a wedding singer can come in and audition and not have her entire existence questioned. Anyway, Erika came and sang for us, and was charming but a bit obvious. She oversang her way through ‘Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?’, but she got through, because the bar has been set very low indeed in Pittsburgh.

Hallie Day: What an inspiring story. Of all the things a man can give a woman, truly Hallie Day’s husband gave her the greatest of all. The ability to call herself “Hallie Day”. Second being “mental stability”. Third being pancakes. As is usually the case with these expansive back-stories it probably would have turned out better if her singing at the end wasn’t kind of…shouty. Also, not take away anything from her right to tell her life story how she chooses but “I Will Survive”? Really? Still, good for her for pulling her life together, and I hope she doesn’t take her coming Vegas Week rejection too hard.

Heejun Han: Given the amount of my life that’s been spent on watching reality shows, you’d think I’d be better at doing it by now. But when this guy came on and was really socially awkward and talked about how generally average he thought he was, I just assumed: trainwreck. Then his family came in and talked about how they’d never heard him sing, and I thought: trainwreck, with a slim possibility that he might be all right. Then he opened his mouth and sang, and turned out to be…really surprisingly good. He sang a bit like he was passing a kidney stone, but then it was Michael Bolton – is there really any other way to sing him? And then he went off to be super-weird again outside. I like him. He’s endearing weird rather than weird-weird. For now, anyway.

Reed Grimm: I have to say, if we’re still going to do the whole “let’s redeem popular culture by making a white man sing it slowly with a guitar” thing, I’m much happier with contestants raiding tv theme tunes than pop music. Who knows where he could go next? I’m hoping maybe for Friends, Frasier, or maybe The Muppet Babies.

Travis Oliver: If you’re going to sing ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ as your audition piece, you really need to be prepared to do something AMAZING with it, because it’s kind of an overdone song at this point. Travis didn’t do that – he just sang a very generic version, in a very generic nice-guy sort of way. I was prepared to write him off entirely at that point, but then he had an epic meltdown about how he DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL FOR THIS (oh child, no. That sort of thing is not to be encouraged) and then – amazingly – his sob story evolved into “my mother – what a bitch, eh?”, which sort of won me over. I don’t care about him as a performer at all, but I would welcome further development on his tragic childhood.

Samantha Novacek: This edition of American Idol really was basically a Hipster Special wasn’t it? To be fair, most of them seem to have oozed sideways out of New York, but the home grown WACKY FUNSTERS still provided some reliable work-out of the eyeballs (THROUGH ROLLING THEM, AM I RITE?) with an accolyte of planking, who lay motionless, rigid and insensate on the floor whilst her sister performed. To be fair, that was my response to more or less every Andrew Garcia performance as well.

Amy Brumfield: Hello, I’m Chris, aka Monkseal. I write this blog on a regular basis and as usual I will be joined on my ever-lengthening voyage into American Idol by Idol expert and blog-boyfriend Steven. Expert in that he’s watched two seasons more than me and knows where to find Camille Valasco butchering “Goodbye Hello Brick Road” on youtube and everything. Me? I just date back to the heady days of Blake Lewis going BEEP BEEP BOOP and crushing my beloved Moomin Mindy Doo and leaving me in no doubt what this show was about. Which I’m pretty is not a woman living in a tent in the woods and calling herself a Mipsy or whatever cutesy sub New Girl designation she wanted to give herself. Mostly I’m amused by the use of Angeles to soundtrack her American Idol journey. It being a song about abandoning your sense of self to make it in Hollywood. More specifically the lyric comparing wannabe stars to slaughtered kills dragged in from the hunt. I hope this is Nigel having a sense of humour about himself, but also I kind of equally hope it isn’t.

David Leathers Jr: First audition of the series! Which in any series of So You Think You Can Dance (Nigel’s other baby) would mean something, but the first audition last series was Rachel Zevita, so I think we can officially say that it means nothing. David Leathers Jr is a 17 year old that…would actually look like a 17 year old if he didn’t spend most of his time acting like a 12 year old. I guess Justin Bieber fans would call it good old fashioned manners or something, and Jedward fans would probably mark it as disturbing maturity, but this was such a pitch-perfect impersonation of a 12 year old kid acting adorably like a “playah” I wonder if David Leathers Jr should just try to stump up the cash for “Smart Guy : The Next Generation” rather than trying much further with this singing lark. On the other hand he did beat Scotty McCreary in some sort of competition (a door locking and turning dem lights down low competition?) so maybe there’s hope for him yet….

THE DIXONS: Was there anyone alive watching this NOT feeling second-hand embarrassment for Schyler Dixon? She turned up, ostensibly to audition on behalf of her own dreams, only to find herself brutally cut down, in a way that wasn’t even subtle, to act as fuel for her brother’s journey, now stretching into its second season of vaguely effeminate religious fundementalism. The haste with which J-Lo effing YELLED “OK NOW COLTON SINGS!” before her audition had even finished was frankly unseemly. Then she was left, booted to the sidelines, to twist in the wind looking malevolant, as the show welcomes her to the world of being Shyamali Malakar. How much is Colton going to cry when she gets cut? A LOT, I’m guessing.

Erica Nowak: Hello. I’m Steve, I’m the one who writes in italics. I really liked this girl, actually. I mean, she was never going to get through, but there was something very endearing about her – she set out to get on camera by being trashy in an inoffensive sort of way (and declaring your plan to divorce Steven Tyler later in life is about the best possible way to do that). Since the voices are mostly kind of blah at this stage, personality is pretty much all I have to go on, and I liked hers. Regrettably, she wasn’t up to the singing side of things, and her strangely cod-attempt at Joss Stone (wimping out on any difficult notes) was unmoving. I mean, find someone better to impersonate, if that’s the road you want to go down. I find the idea of someone wanting to be a bargain-basement version of Joss Stone even weirder than someone wanting to be a bargain-basement version of Ryan Seacrest.

Gabi Carruba: I try not to form attachments so early in the season, since it’s usually a fair assumption that most of the people who get a lot of screentime at this point will be dispatched fairly quickly in the Hollywood round. Having said that, I love this girl. I love that her first instinct on entering the audition room was to basically ignore the panel and ask if she could hug Nigel. I’d totally want to hug Nigel in that situation, and you would too, admit it. Not only that, but she has kind of a creepy and weird obsession with Ryan Seacrest. Gabi Carruba is basically me, if I were a teenage girl with a moderate level of singing ability. I know even without looking for spoilers that she’s going to get lost in the shuffle somewhere between now and Top 24 (or whatever number it is this year), but I’m glad I got to see her all the same.

Mauwena Kodjo: Sigh. Neither Chris nor I really wanted to write this one, but both of us felt we couldn’t really ignore it either, so in the end I volunteered to take the bullet. This was definitely a lowpoint in the long, long opening show, in which American Idol decided that FOREIGNERS ARE FUNNY once again and demonstrated this by subtitling a man who spoke perfectly good English and paraded him around Savannah going “LOOK! LOOK AT THE FUNNY MAN! HE IS NOT LIKE US, IS THAT NOT HILARIOUS?” Gross gross gross. Stop that, American Idol. Stop it right now.

Phillip Phillips: Hurr hurr hurr. He’s pretty. I can’t work out if he’s our Heir Apparant White Guy With Guitar, or just there to prove that it’s not an automatic win, but for now, I’m just going to enjoy looking at him. Listening to him? Not so much. Superstition was written with a melody for a REASON, yes it was.

Shannon Magrane: In many ways this was a very, very, very bog-standard American Idol audition. Daughter of a minor sports star, very pretty, decent voice, strong family presence, mildly embarrassing mother, will probably disappear without trace somewhere around Groups Night in Hollywood Week. But what was notably about it is it marks the point where Steven Tyler lept the fence and became the wacky foreign neighbour in a 1980s US sitcom. Who on earth tells a man that his daughter is “humid”? As a compliment. Oh Steven Tyler. May the auditions provide many more moments of exciting madness before the Live Shows render you useless again.

Shaun Kraisman: Okay, so you know how earlier I mentioned it would be weird for someone to want to be a bargain-basement Ryan Seacrest? Well, that’s the sole purpose of this guy. He was on the show solely to demonstrate that he did a moderately-good Ryan Seacrest impression and to tell us that people think he looks like Ryan, largely due to his haircut – a haircut that Seacrest hasn’t had for about four years because he’s far too old for it these days, but it’s not like that stopped everyone being all “OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE THERE’S TWO OF YOU!” Obviously he went through with the rigmarole of singing for the judges and got rejected by them, having served his purpose. Still, he was cute (for a cheap knockoff of Ryan Seacrest), and given the rumours about Ryan possibly not coming back next season, it’s nice to know we’ve got a spare lying around for emergencies. Also, his very existence gave Chris the wiggins, and that’s always fun.

Stephanie Renae: It bodes poorly that she’s the only real “singer” of the group of auditionees that I chose to write about, and yet I can barely remember anything about her. She’s pretty, in a bland sort of way (a bit like a less impressive version of Haley from One Tree Hill), and has been watching this show since she was a foetus and basically dreams of being Carrie Underwood, as I imagine young wholesome blonde girls across America do on a daily basis. Vocally, she needs a bit of tuning training and was kind of nasally up in her nasal, but it’s nothing that can’t be knocked out of her by the vocal coaches in a couple of weeks of intensive training, I would’ve thought. Wouldn’t be surprised to see her on the live shows at all, and probably getting quite far before getting booted midway for being a bit dull, bless her.

Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston : I know people claim that Dancing On Ice foregrounds the professional partners to a much lesser degree than Strictly Come Dancing, but seriously, did any celebrity on either show feel quite so much like a spare part to their entire segment than Jennifer Ellison this week? You could barely see her around British Gold Medallist Daniel Whiston. I mean what was there? The generic “West End Star” intro (ie “she was in Chicago for a bit”) and a fleeting reference to how she won Hell’s Kitchen (what an achievement, given that half the cast quit. Sodding Eggwina made fourth place), but otherwise? All Whiston, all the time. How he was going to be the first pro to win the show three times, his vague giggly embarrassment over that gynecological lift, and most important of all, INJURY PORN. And not classy softcare Injury Porn like Artem crying softly over a discarded shoe whilst clutching his shoulder. Oh no, this was full on, hard-core, legs in the air, bottom deftly probed by a skilled professional Injury Porn. I have no idea how this aired before the watershed any more than Lara Pulver skitting around naked on Sherlock Holmes whilst buggering Lastrade with a deodorant can did (or whatever happened in that episode of Sherlock, I don’t even know any more, I just know that it killed feminism). Anyway, Jennifer is here, she’s…alright I suppose, she’ll be around for a while, and about all the enjoyment I got out of this was Gubba mangling the name of an Andrews Sisters song worse than he mangles even everything ice-skating related. If you slow down the tape, you can hear he actually does say “dancing to By Meer Blah de Blah Foreign”.

SAMANDMARK & Alexandra Schulman : Speaking of footage manipulation, if you play SAMANDMARK’S section from this week’s show backwards, you will both hear and see MARKANDSAM’s section from last week. I don’t think two contestants on anything have been more joined at the hip than these two, not even any of the sets of twins that have done Big Brother. Given that next week is Movie Week, I hope that they both dedicate their skates to Rashomon and perform on the ice at the same time. Then we get to see the routine twice, each from a different perspective. Because their personalities are distinct enough to warrant it. I’d speculate as to which of them was supposed to be “the straight man”, but then SAMANDMARK announced that the forfeit for the loser of the two in the overall competition was that the winner got to “rub it in their faces” and it’s fairly obvious that the answer is “neither of them” (and nobody who watched TMI will be surprised by this turn of events). Anyway, at least we now know that SAMANDMARK is the one who is better at skating, but given that Mark is a) the one partnered with the pro that I actually care about, b) representing MIDLANDS PRIDE and c) fitter, it’s fairly obvious where my vote is going. You know. Of the two. If I was forced to. Mostly I spent their routine remembering Jade Johnson & Ian Waite, but that’s true of every routine on this and any other series, even the ones before Jade Johnson & Ian Waite existed.

Rosemary Conley & Mark Hanretty : The thing I liked most about Rosemary Conley’s segment is just how obvious it was that she’d presented herself to the show as some sort of WRINKLY RINGER and just how catty and pissy the show was prepared to be about her when she turned out…not to be. You can just hear them now reading her CV listing her credentials as a super-supple fitness expert with two whole years of ice-skating lessons behind her, then finding out to their dismay that at least one year and eleven months of those lessons were spent shuffling along at two miles per hour waving at her grand-kids who were wondering when they were going to get to do something fun when she baby-sat. The other month was spent drinking mojitos obviously. Cue an AVALANCHE of eye-rolls and catty comments from Torville & Dean, who appeared to spend most of this week’s Rosemary segment playing the Nancy Allen & John Travolta roles from Carrie. Things got even MORE vexatious for the show (and me) when she skated out and promptly stole the role of “Token Older Inspiration Couple” from my beloved Beaver Teeth & Charlene Tilton by being adequate and also more ITV-friendly during her skate. DAMN HER. Reserve me a seat with Torville & Dean by the lockers blowing spit-wads and mocking her thighs. It’ll still be less offensive than Gubba openly perving on her and reading out her vital statistics. Next week we’re going to find out her bra-size, I just KNOW IT.

Big Mo & Lukasz Rozycki : I’ll miss Big Mo. Not for her ice-skating, which was to be honest awful (although quite enjoyably surreal, in a sub-Lynchean lip-sync sort of way), and was only going to get worse once her shoulder eventually gave up and just fell out, but for the stink-waves of bad attitude she put out everywhere. Obviously there was the fact of the generally furious atmosphere surrounding her elimination, but how many surly eliminations have we had on this show before? BARROWMAN, Davies, probably Kay Burley I don’t know. But has there ever been a more appropriate Face Of Thunder deployed than when Blankley started whittering on to her about how she was trending globally on twitter (this show’s whole obsession with twitter is SO DEPRESSING, but we’ll get to that later). It read “I’m Big Mo bitch, why should I give a flying Pam St Clement about FAHCKIN TWITTAH?”. I guess once they got the fact that she’s Gary Oldman’s sister/cousin/wife/sister-wife out of their over-eager mouths there was nothing really left for her, although I feel Lucasz deserved better. After the Netto Nancy Dell’Olio that was Elen Rivas, this showing officially makes him the Anton of the show. Except nobody knows who he is. And he’s not unattractive, in a red-faced awkward sort of way. Now that Fred’s gone, it’ll have to do. Along with Robin talking about how she shone once “Dr Footlights” took over, which I guess is as good a euphemism for cocaine as any other.

Sebastien Foucan & Brioche Delcourt : Brioche continues her rise to “Almost As Amazing As Frankie One-Name” DOI LadyPro Boss Bitch-ness by opening their segment by proclaiming herself “the” champion of the last series of Dancing On Ice. Sam Attwater who now? Maybe he really pissed her off by botching a lift during all that sex they definitely had? Anyway, this year she has moved on to a new hunk, this time “the cofounder of free-running”. Personally I refuse to believe there are not at least 6 other people all claiming the same thing and having vicious and protracted arguments about it, because that’s just how these things work. Anyway, he is French and officially Not Bad To Look At, and also his free-running abilities have broken Christopher Dean’s brain. Have we ever had a routine quite this…conceptual in Week One before? Sebastien was asked to portray about fifteen different parts of the mechanism of a watch, and also do three forward rolls on the ice for absolutely no reason other than that he can. At one point he swung Brioche around like a pendulum (which, incidentally, if she was doing that with Sam you KNOW her free arm would have been trailing around on the ice as a safety the entire time) and I almost wondered why nobody made a Foucan’s Pendulum pun and then I remembered that THIS IS DANCING ON ICE ON ITV. Anyway, I would get invested in his chances, but they’ve already showcased why he’s going to lose (all that balls about him being a “bad partner”, so why bother? Oh also he’s French and with Brioche and, I dunno, black or something, let’s throw that in there as well. As long as he stays riskful (thanks Katarina), I’ll be happy.

Chico & Jodeyne Higgins : Remember how last year Jodeyne was partnered with WAR-HERO Johnson Beharry? Well after a month with Chico she frankly looks like she’s been through whatever war it was he took part in. Seriously, she looks TRAUMATISED. I’ve seen hostage videos that looked more upbeat and happy. Faces Of Death looks like an edition of Holiday compared to how Jodeyne appears to be holding together mentally this year. And who can blame her, given that Chico’s entire personality is yelling “CHICO TIME!” repeatedly and spewing self-help positivity aphorisms whenever he isn’t. You have to think that being partnered with Timmy Mallett would probably have been better for her sanity, and I can see her shoving Chico into the void along with Schlongchambon, Cheggers and Chesney Hawkes. Possibly by trying to persuade him that it is CHICO TIME for the show’s first Gender-Reversed Headbanger. No really Chico, just hold still and FEEL THE GS. The worst part for her? He actually seemed to be…quite good? I quite enjoyed the near-hysterical snow-blindness of people who refused to admit it to themselves because, well…it’s CHICO for God’s sake, but I actually probably enjoyed his performance the most of all the ones on this second Performance Show. Poor Jodeyne. If we all chip in the money we’d normally spend voting, I bet we’d be able to get her the therapy she need….well we’ll get her a Big Brother psychologist at least.

Corey Feldman & Brooke Castile : Oy. First of all, obviously the THING needs to be addressed. By which I mean that thing emanating from his forehead. Both in it being a thing in and as of itself, as a reality tv phenomenon, and also as a victim of the show’s obsession with WHAT’S HAPPENING ON TWITTER. Because Phillip pimping out one of those awful “parody accounts” that lose their initial concept and just devolve into generic bitchy comments within two episodes (where some of us have the good sense to just start off there and plough that furrow/rut for the entire run) killed stone-dead my interest in making fun of it in 5 seconds flat. Poor Corey as well. BixMix won an entire reality show on the back of “mean people are being mean about your appearance on the mean Internets”, but apparently it’s not traumatic when you’re Corey Feldman and the entire show can jump in and pile on as well. So what else is there to make fun of? His deathly immobile face? The fact that his super-peppy skating partner appears to have escaped from an audition for All-New American Gladiators? His almost endearing revelation that he might want to be able to stand up on the ice in time to be broadcast live to the nation? I don’t know, but I’ll find something for the…two weeks or so he’s got left on the show, I SWEAR IT.

Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova : I have a long and storied history with this show in either finding the “good skaters” either tedious (Jessica Taylor/Suzanne Bore/Clangford/Kyran/Claire) or insanely annoying (Ray Quinn, Hayley Tampon-Condom, BARROWMAN) to the point that I actively disengage and just start rooting for Stefan Booth because he’s fit or Gay-Faced Vulcan because he’s a Gay-Faced Vulcan, or the Sweet Sweet Embrace Of Death Because Series Four was just THAT BAD. My record for liking the “good skaters” on this show is basically Chris Fountain and the entirety of last series, which was like a glorious cosmic alignment between my soul and Dancing On Ice in that I quite enjoyed all three of the people who could actually remain upright for more than 6 seconds at a time. This is a very lengthy pre-amble to basically get to the point of the fact that I am never ever going to find Matthew Wolfenden interesting on this show, and no amount of screaming “ZOMG HE IS SO FIT AN A GYMNAST AND IN LEATHER AND HIS DICK IS TRENDING ON TWITTER, DID WE MENTION TWITTER ENOUGH TIMES YET? TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER TWITTER! HE’S IN LEATHER AND STUFF AND TWITTER!” is going to persuade me otherwise. Do. Not. Get. It.

Heidi Range & Andrei Lipanov : I’m so torn with regards to Heidi Range. On the one hand, she broke Schlongchambon (and not in the way that I’d break him) (no offence Mercedes McQueen), so she should be eliminated from…well, life, first of all and most importantly, but secondly the competition of Dancing On Ice. But on the other hand her continued existance in the show is the only way that we might get Schlongchambon back from the void, where he’s currently serving tea to Cheggers and Chesney dressed as a naked waiter. Frankly, if Joseph Heller had written Catch 22 about this scenario I would have got more than about 100 pages in. Anyway, after she broke Schlongchambon (just as he taught her to be lifted as well!), she got a new pro – Andrei, which apparently means something to you if you can remember more of Series 2 than that glorious crazy Russian Judge Lady bellowing “DUNCONN JAYMES! I LOBB YOU DUNCONN JAYMES!”. Which I don’t. So for me he just looks like the recipient of all the Skarsgard genes that didn’t go to Alexander. IE the unsexy ones. If I squint I can just about make out Julie Walters skating out onto the dancefloor dressed in dunagrees bellowing “Take A Chance On Me” at him. In my mind. Anyway, Heidi skated to “Bummed By A Martian” by which I mean she looked a bit like your mum dancing the robot for a laugh, and was crap, and should have gone home, and also she ruined the Sugababes did I mention that? Because that’s a factor. But then Head Judge Robin decided he liked a little sugar with his babe (which…WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? PRACTICALLY? Pervert…) so she’ll stay around to turn into the show’s very own Lisa Snowdon probably. Ugh.

MARKANDSAM & Frankie! : I love that Frankie! ditched that surname that was holding her back like Strictly ditched Arlene, and now two years in a row she’s found herself partnered with men whose names have pointless appendages attached to them everywhere they appear. First of all “Comedy Dave”, and now MARKANDSAM of MARKANDSAMANDSAMANDMARK, who are apparently my children’s favourite Saturday Morning Kids TV presenters. Which, if “children” is a euphemism for anything genital, is probably right. T4 may have been perfect hangover tv for you, but for me nothing was better than blearily watching two grown men licking chilli sauce off one another’s naked bodies whilst periodically checking on Caroline Flack to make sure she wasn’t doing any grooming (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED IN KIDS TV IN THE 00S, BECAUSE BBC KIDS TV IS RUN BY HOMOSEXUAL PERVERTS AND HAS BEEN SINCE THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HIRE SIMON THOMAS AND GETHIN JONES SIMULTANEOUSLY HOORAY). They were also both on Pop Idol 2 and both lost to That Fat One, although the show artfully skated around that better than even NEW ICE-PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt could. They skated to “I’m Still Standing”, which was a tweak of the nose of irony that sadly went unfulfilled, and he was the worst thing on the show since Katona, but then Frankie!’s face SPLIT OPEN SO THAT YOU COULD SEE THROUGH TIME when he was saved, so it’s all worthwhile. Also, he’s from the Midlands, and I have to represent for my people.

Charlene Tilton & BEAVER TEETH Oh my God, BEAVER TEETH IS BACK! I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but the only things I care about on this show are the pros. Well, the male pros. And Frankie!. And Brioche a bit. And hoping Maria fails because she unaccountably annoys me. (And now ICE PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt). But BEAVER TEETH’s failure to return last series was a dagger right to my heart after he out Robin Windsor’ed Robin Windsor by making Danniella Westbrook repeatedly play homosexual dress-up in the name of dance. Remember when she skated to “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me?” Epicmazing. Anyway, now he, and his unnatural/amazing teeth are back to guide the Poison Dwarf from Dallas through the treacherous world of ice-skating and Louis Spence’s ever-flying spit, and how does he start? Barbra Streisand. Exactly. Hang up your dancing shoes Robin Windsor, you have been checkmate’d by a master. Anyway, Charlene was actually quite good for a 150 year old woman (TM ICE PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt) in a “marginally less annoying Dr Hamela” sort of way. Hopefully she’ll be able to stand out more in this Z-List cast than she did on Series 2 of The Farm, where she had to compete with two actual porn stars, Keith Harris, Emmas B AND Noble, Jessie Wallace’s ex-lover, Mikey from Phixx, Orville The Duck and the combatants in my own personal favourite reality tv feud ever : Lionel Blair vs Flava Flav. This diversion from Dancing On Ice is only of course to talk about Series 2 of The Farm. So amazing.

Jorgie Porter & Matt Evers’ Arse : It would be the furthest thing from my mind to accuse Jorgie Porter of being a wannabe Chelsee Healey obviously. She definitely hasn’t seen the combination of a ditzy NORF’ern party girl and excellent skills work to near-victorious perfection on Strictly and decided she’s going to play into the same thing at all. It’s just a coincidence, like Antz and A Bug’s Life arriving at the same time or John Terry kissing a BRAHN BABY. Anyway, even if her presence as a contestant does feel a little contrived, she is clearly out for revenge for my own favourite DOI contestant of two years past : Keiron Richardson – The Gay-Faced Vulcan, and also she’s partnered with Matt Evers’ Arse, so bring on the contrviance says I. Clearly she gave the best performance of the week, by some distance, so hooray for her. The vomitous torrent of “BAWW, YOU LOOK JUST WIKE A WIDDLE PWINCESS IN YOUR PINK DWESS!” that followed on the other hand is something I can gladly blot out for the rest of my life. Especially as she was skating to a song that, even in its John Lewisised twee girly version is clearly about, you know, self-loathing and grue and the viscera of relationships and stuff. BUT SHE WAS IN PINK ZOMG, SO COOT!

Chemmy Allcott & Sean Rice I’m so glad that I finally get to find out what Chemmy Alcott actually looks like! She’s been rumoured for literally every single celeb based reality show for the last five years, if not more, and yet until now she’s never made an appearance. UNTIL NOW! Here she is, like Elijah finally arriving at the Seder and guess what? SHE’S DRUNK! Well, to be honest, she’s doing drunk acting, as per Christopher Dean’s school of Choreography (if Louis Spence did nothing else amazing all episode (and he didn’t) (because when he went “AND NOW I MUST HAVE TEA!” and z-snapped, that was on a separate show) it was constantly criticising Christopher Dean’s choreography without even realising. If he was a contestant he would SO be Sharron Davies’ed next week. DO NOT QUESTION CHRIS DEAN’S CHOREOGRAPHY AUTHORITAH!). To be honest, it was quite the most amusing part of the episode, because unlike other SPORTSPEOPLES on shows like this, Chemmy gave herself to the performance full-throttle from Week One. No acting coaches required for this one. My other favourite Chemmy moment this week was Phil Schofield (presenting the show alone wasn’t he? Nobody else there was there? Certainly nobody deserving of notice anyway.) boggling at the fact that she hadn’t EVER watched the footage of her limb shattering into a thousand pieces ever. Which is bizarre isn’t it? Because you think she’d be watching that every day, complete with viewing parties. Hiring out The Machine from Strictly and drawing big red rings around every individual fragment of bone as it shredded into her skin and muscle from the inside. Almost as amazing was Phil saying that that was doubly amazing, because literally everyone else in the world has seen said-same footage. Erm…the only footage of this woman doing ANYTHING that I have EVER seen Phillip, was her falling over to P!nk. And that’s because it was on this show. We don’t all spend all day trolling Youtube for Sports Greatest Fractures you big weirdo.

*sigh* I miss Holly *sigh*

Who is there now to yell “TORVILLE AND MOTHERFUCKING DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” like she did at the start of every show?

Andy Akinwolere & Maria Filipov : Poor Maria. I guess it was either her twice in a row, or Andrei three times in a row. Say what you will about Strictly, but they at least circulate people around the pros a bit better than this usually. I guess Maria has had to have a designated comedown from when she got the male ringers every single year but on the other hand, he looked good on paper. And then, to be fair, he looked good not on paper but, whatever, Robin Cousins’ boner and stuff. To be honest he did seem a bit ratty when he was criticised, and a tumble from 3rd out of 7 to the dance-off didn’t auger well for his vote holding up as the competition rolled on, but he deserved better than this. And by “this” I mean “having to dance on ice what Christopher Dean thinks Mick Jagger dances like on land”. There’s so many degrees of interpretation there that it generally came across with all the finesse and confidence of someone playing Blind Man’s Buff in a minefield. Still, Katarina Witt thought it was good enough, and if it’s good enough for ICE PANEL GODDESS Katarina Witt then it’s good enough for me. If she’s not Head Judge next series(/week) then something’s gone very wrong here indeed. Apart from Andy’s ridiculous elimination obviously. Order your “ANDY WUZZ ROBBED” samplers here today.

Andy Whyment & Vicky Ogden My favourite thing about this entire final segment, in the show’s latest leaden eternal clod-hop down the road of “LOL-COMEDY SOAP BLOKE IS A BIT SHIT!” is just how much of an afterthought Vicky Ogden was treated as. I can only hope she develops a personality as the series goes on, but as it stands Phil will be sat on her head with a cushion over her face to stop her speaking rather than letting her stand out and eclipse her COMEDY CELEB’S COMEDY PERSONALITY. At least so far they’re less annoying than Steven Arnold was, who I found genuinely a little depressing last year. I think it was that hat in House Of Fun.

I heard the new today, oh boy. Alesha Dixon’s decided to hop off to Britain’s Got Talent, leaving the BBC flailing around looking for a replacement (who will end up being Karen Hardy). But before they make the fateful announcement (that it’s Karen Hardy) let’s all take a moment out to remember the glory that was Alesha Dixon. Via the medium of all the fights she got into during her glorious three year stint on the show. Here, for your delectation, are Alesha’s Top Fifteen Strictly Feuds.

15. Alesha vs Laila Roauss

Who can forget Alesha telling Laila that she danced like a drunken rag doll during her AntonLatin? Well, most people. But in the heady days of Series 7, when everyone was all over Alesha every time she breathed, it was INCREDIBLY RUDE AND HURTFUL to point out that Laila had about as much facility for Latin dancing as a cat on a pogo stick. That’s right, for one brief…month or so, the masses of Britain became Brenda Cole when he stormed off at the use of ANIMAL IMAGERY to describe Jo Wood. WHATABITCH.

14. Alesha vs The Audience

Obviously Alesha’s role on the show was an unholy amalgam of audience and contestant avatar, so it was a very rare occasion indeed that she diverted significantly from the public view of a dance. She was instrumental in backing Kara and Harry to the title, and was more of a Chris booster than any of the other judges. In this sense Alesha was very much the “voice of the people”. Except that one time the audience booed her and she went “MUHHHHHHHH!” right back at them. Following that moment they never dared boo her again, so RIGHTEOUS was her vengeance.

13. Alesha vs Edwina Currie

Edwina’s stay on Strictly was short, so there was no chance for this to blossom into the EPIC FEUD that we all know it could have been, but really there was no coming back for Edwina from Alesha smiling and snarking “it’s alright Bruce, they’re just having a conversation amongst themselves” when she was wittering on to Vincent about sod all. TKO in Week 2, and that was it. Never has Alesha destroyed a foe so thoroughly.

12. Alesha vs Nibbles

People may complain about the Results Show, with good reason. It’s full of filler, the guest singers would be naff by Radio 2 standards, the pro-dances are memorable about one time in three, and Len’s Glans is an abomination against God. But in Series 8 there was truly one reliable source of entertainment. Watching Alesha hoover back twiglets, cheesy footballs, pretzels, sesame fish-crackers and miniature prawn toasts like a bottomless black-hole pit of party snacks in the recap section. That she was deprived in Series 9 is one of the many reasons why it never quite measured up to the heights of the series before.

11. Alesha vs Chris Hollins

Again, this was a feud in Series 7 that lasted all of about a week, but OH WHAT FIREWORKS. It began with Alesha saying that, after a foxtrot full of pivots, she was a bit fed up of Chris’ Viennese Waltz being made up of lots of pivots. This of course set the HOBBIT MAFIA OFF, only aided and abetted by Karen on It Takes Two saying she understood why Ola choreographed them in, which obviously meant ALESHA WUZZ RONG OMG WORST JUJ EVER DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT. This led to all sorts of amazing “LET’S VOTE FOR CHRIS TO SPITE ALESHA” nonsense despite Alesha’s tendency towards doing things like giving his paso (where he pulled poo-face and stomped up and down on the spot) a 9. CLEARLY SHE HATED HIM.

10. Alesha vs Her Ovaries

Ricky Whittle. Harry Judd. Simon Webb. Enough said.

9. Alesha vs South Central

The whirlwind of controversy when Alesha Dixon started well before her first appearance on the show. Her arrival came on the backs of the departures Camilla and Karen, both of their own accord (although obviously everyone pretended otherwise because it was more fun that way), and erm…beloved St Arlene who everyone loved. People were ready to leap on her every word and cast her aside as knowing nothing – a pretty bauble on the show only to engage with the yoof, who would never talk beyond generic modern banalities. So how did Alesha endear herself to her detractors? By launching her judging career with the phrase “One Word – FIERCE”. To Lynda Bellingham (LYNDA BELLINGHAM). Hilariously, everyone seized on this as evidence that she was just trying to be “gangsta” (and not, say, incredibly drag queeny), which was definitely not because a lot of the objecters to Alesha were a bit prone to racial stereotyping in any way. Or classism. At all.

8. Alesha Dixon vs Felicity Kendall

Because even Alesha, as champion of Inspirational Older Women on the panel (this being in no way because she elbowed Beloved Holy Mother Arlene out of the judges panel) got bored with Felicity doing the splits every other routine. Her telling Felicity that this was a dance competition, not a yoga work-out DVD, was one of my personal favourite judging moments of Series 8

7. Alesha Dixon vs Chelsee’s Vocabulary

In many ways Chelsee Healey’s Strictly Contestant Journey mimicked that of Alesha herself. Both went onto the show from (per the show) uncouth backgrounds to learn how to become a truly elegant lady. Alesha of course being from the MEAN STREETS of Mis-Teeq, and Chelsee being Northern. So it was inspiring to see Alesha taking on a mentoring role from the panel, helping Chelsee with words and phrases such as “elope” and “vertically challenged” and reassuring her that nobody saw her tits in her tango. In a very real sense, Alesha provided that little bit of extra polish to Chelsee that she needed to reach her glorious silver medal position.

6. Alesha Dixon vs Sobriety

Because whenever Alesha got drunk, magic happened.

5. Alesha Dixon vs Confidence Issues

Contrary to what many would have you believe, Alesha did actually serve a very valuable role on the Strictly panel. You see, one thing that remains consistent in these turbulent days for Strictly is the casting of slightly needy grasping old luvvies who need support following their routines, and at least a 7 on the paddle, otherwise they’ll melt down in a great big blancmange of tears and strops and crying jags. I’m not necessarily SPECIFICALLY thinking of Patsy Kensit, Anita Dobson, and/or Hamela Stephenson. I could be talking about anyone. But who have they to turn to in their post-dance hour of need when it hasn’t gone quite as well as they’d hope? Miserable Craig? Jabbering incoherent Bruno? Len? No. They need a good old dose of warming Alesha Dixon “you got the party started”/”I really saw the connection”/”there’s a real honesty about the way you dance”/”you really captured the spirit of the dance” chicken soup for the Strictly Soul.

4. Alesha Dixon vs Bruno’s Wandering Hands

It started off like any good fag-hag relationship. Lots of joking about men, and how fabulous the other is, and preening and hugs. And then, particularly this series…it turned SINISTER. Bruno kept on grabbing Alesha when she wasn’t ready, when she didn’t particularly want him to, when it wasn’t appropriate, and occasionally, right on the tit. Far be it for me to admit that Alesha didn’t end up top dog in one of her many glorious feuds, but if the lack of nibbles isn’t what drove her off in the end, Bruno’s psychotic perversion may have done it. She may have turned him a little bit straight I think, such is her BEAUTY AND MAGNETISM.

3. Alesha Dixon vs grammar

Never have so many people suddenly decided they cared Quite. So. Much about the proper use of “you were”. Especially as, you know, Len does exactly the same thing, and worse, and Bruno mashes his English through a play-do fun factory before it’s allowed to leave his mouth.

2. Alesha Dixon vs Nancy Dell’Olio

Her last real serious feud was one of Alesha’s best. It saw the use of a 2 paddle, repeated threats of legal action, judicious deployment of the phrase “was that supposed to be funny?” (which really works as an insult on so many levels), Nancy claiming that Alesha was threatened by her raw femininity, and Alesha telling Nancy to keep her legs together in future. And no, she didn’t mean it that way (totally did). I can only hope that Nancy auditions for Britain’s Got Talent (using her very real talent of “being a lawyer”) so their feud can roll on gloriously into 2012. It might even get me to watch Britain’s Got Talent (SPOILERS : totally won’t)

1. Alesha Dixon vs Craig Kelly

Truly THE iconic (*drink*) Alesha Dixon feud, and I doubt anyone could argue otherwise. So heartfelt, so real, and so venemous that even I had to take a step back and whistle occasionally. There was not a weapon in her arsenal that Alesha did not deploy to get rid of Craig Kelly. Accusations of “dad disco dancing”, psychoanalysis of the order of “you’re not as good as you think you are”, and most famously, the coup de grace “I can’t believe Zoe went and I had to ENDURE THAT”. If that hadn’t killed him off, Lord only knows how much further she would have gone. However far it was, I’m sure Flavia would have thanked her for it. Possibly in a harness.

So long Alesha, and all your feuds. You will be missed. And in that spirit, here’s the 50th Internet poll today asking who people want to be your replacement (when it will be Karen Hardy)

Best Judge : The best judge this year wasn’t even on the show (…probably), but for bringing a well-needed dose of humour and fun to the judgery, the prize can only be awarded to Drunk Alesha. Necking a bottle of red wine, hand-waving the entire competition as a foregone conclusion about halfway through COZ HARRY IS WEW FIT, and burbling away merrily about how horny everyone got on the main show, Drunk Alesha provided the most likable face of judgery in years.

Worst Judge : Again, not even visible on the show, the prize for Worst Judge goes to Jennifer Grey’s scriptwriter. Little insight into the dancing, awful deployment of the obvious soundbites (“YOU’RE MY WATERMELON CHELSEE, AND NOBODY PUTS US IN A CUPBOARD!”), and some random crap about Lulu’s lumpy porridge that I don’t even want to think about.

Best Judging Moment : Alesha’s 2 paddle

Runners-Up: “DESIGNERGEAR! DESIGNERGEAR!” ; “Put your vagina away Nancy”; “You should have stayed in the coffin”; “HANDS HANDS ! SPATULSITIC! BIG OLD BANANAS AT THE BACK!” ; Holly cracks herself up at a joke nobody hears ; Kristina’s bitch-faces ; Pasha laughing at everything ; “I think they noticed dear, they’re not daft” ; Nancy defusing homophobia with a fiery kiss ; Nancy telling Bruce that he INVITED HER TO HIS DRESSING ROOM ; Alesha cussing Edwina out for chatting with Vincent rather than listening to her ; Aliona pissing herself laughing at Len turning the colour of a beetroot

Worst Judging Moment : Jennifer Grey

Runners-Up : Len falling asleep on the “I HATE ALIONA AND HARRY” button for a month ; “sexless, cold, and stiff” ; James vs Len (however many times that happened, I can’t even remember…) ; WHY NOT PUNCH CRAIG AUDLEY? (however many times that happened, I can’t even remember…) ; Len calling another human-being puerile ; every time someone called Anita “inspirational” for not dying mid-routine ; every time someone told Chelsee that they never expected she could be elegant/get through a dance without shitting herself ; Edwina endlessly poking Vincent into saying “I know nothing” whilst crickets chirruped ; Robbie probably tweeting his disapproval at Craig’s scores as they came

Best VT Storyline : Nancy On The Farm

Runners-Up : Any time anybody did any actual training ; Holly brings her own helicopter and racing car and everyone else just watches ; Erm… ; Lulu’s so awful that she has to rehearse on her own with a broom rather than interacting with other human beings ; Alex Jones giving James the finger ; Holly strips Artem with her sword for absolutely no reason other than because she can ; Harry is a 1950s gentleman ; Pasha interacts with children in an ovary-meltwing fashion ; Satan talks to Anita ; Holly “mourns” for Artem’s shoulder

Worst VT Storyline : Jason Donovan

Runners-Up Let’s make Chelsee a lady ; Alex Jones is repeatedly electrocuted and this is supposed to be helping her learn to dance ; Dan Lobb picks a fight with Craig – a nation yawns ; “I’M A COUGAR!” ; Russell is haunted by a glowing green fart ; Robin Hood – Prince Of Sheathes ; Lube – The Musical ; Basically anything where Aliona did porn-acting ; Ola blows snot-rockets on a prone Robbie ; Robbie IS UGLY OH NO ; Robin is Billy Connolly ; Katya desperately tries to recreate the Gavbot magic by playing tennis with Dan – a nation yawns ; Lulu runs around with an Andrew Lloyd Eyebags mask on

Best Host : Zoe Ball

Worst Host : Tess Daly

Most Amazingly Wonderful Pointless Controversy : The Nancy Dell’LOLio real-life troll bandwagon. Pretending someone sabotaged her dress, threatening to sue everyone over everything, claiming the show was pointless without her – all amazing.

Most Tediously Awful Pointless Controversy : JASON DONE SOME TRAINING FOR A BIT OR SOMETHING

Runners-up : ALEX JONES WORKS FOR THE BBC, THE HOOR! ; Robbie hates someone, will reveal all on Monday (never does) ; Alesha points out that Jason has as much chance of winning the show as a deodorant stick tied to a tea-tray, carnage ensues ; Audley’s wife said a thing probably about Natalie and stuff ; Robbie’s wife said a thing about Natalie and stuff

Best Pro Dance : BISEXUAL ROLLING IN THE DEEP MAYHEM

Runners-Up : Born This Gay, Artem Is The Singular Sensation, another Argentine Tango showcase, Team Ka$ha jive with Caro Emerald, Addams Family Values

Most embarassingly poor guest-performer : Cee Lo Brown’s tailor

Most bullshit elimination : None of them really (see, I can do this, because it’s my blog, so there. Everyone went out in more or less the right order, for once, which was nice)

Top Holly Valance “Not Giving A Shit” moment : Laughing when she was in the Bottom 2

Runners-Up : Spending an entire Argentine Tango sat on her arse ; reacting to her first 10 like it was a mild tickling sensation ; openly hating on the Charleston all over twitter, to anyone who would listen ; spending half an It Takes Two segment joking about her tits ; riding into a VT in a helicopter ; deciding she didn’t really want to do ballroom dancing, so could the whole show change to being ballet based please? ; sitting on the floor in the Swingathon and refusing to move ; sitting on the floor in her rumba un-picking her knickers

King Of All Pros: Pasha Kovalev, duh. I WAS RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!

Runners-Up: Brenda Cole, Artem Chigvintsev, (*cant quite believe he’s typing the words*) Anton du Beke

Queen Of All Pros: Kristina Rihanoff, for pumping out a level of choreography I’m not convinced Jason deserved

Runners-Up: Natalie Lowe (now Duffer-Tested), Aliona Vilani, Flavia Cacace

Worst Celebrity (Talent) : Nancy Dell’Olio

Runners-Up: Edwina Currie, Lulu, Audley Harrison

Worst Celebrity (Personality): Bloody Lulu

Runners-Up: Robbie Savage, Dan Lobb, Edwina Currie

Best Celebrity (Talent) : Chelsee Healey

Runners-Up: Harry Judd, Jason Donovan, Holly Valance

Best Celebrity (Personality) : Nancy Dell’Olio

Runners-Up: Holly Valance, Harry Judd, Alex Jones

Monkseal’s 10 Least Favourite Dances Of The Series

10. Holly Valance’s Quickstep : Let’s see how many dances from the show’s entirely misguided attempt to cram two people doing ballroom dancing in a stadium setting I can get into this top 10 shall we?

9. Dan Lobb’s Viennese Waltz : Stay emo, Dan!

8. Harry Judd’s tango : A piquant reminder that even though Aliona’s choreography this year was almost entirely on point, especially at the end, she was still capable of some utter bollocks.

7. Alex Jones’ rumba: Ola’s catsuit has never been more misused…

6. Anita Dobson’s samba: Fuck off Eileen

5. Jason Donovan’s Argentine Tango: Like that end-of-rumba Serial Killer face, but for an ENTIRE DANCE. Very rarely have my stocks of brain-bleach been so sorely tested.

4. Lulu’s cha cha: HA HA HA I’M LULU, ISN’T IT FUNNY HOW AWFUL I AM? (except not)

3. Robbie Savage’s salsa: WOO WOO! WOO WOO! And some podiums. And an aborted leapfrog.

2. Russell Grant’s “jive”: If someone can proffer an argument as to how this dance was consistant with the “he’s much better than Widdy, he’s ACTUALLY TRYING TO DANCE!” defence then I’m open to hearing it. Bumped up quite a few slots by the show pretending it was amazing and everyone loved it and will remember it forever.

1. Edwina Currie’s Foxtrot : Just because it still annoys me. Having spent a pre-series claiming that Edwina was “far wittier than Widdy” (which, let’s face it, would not be hard, as Widdy’s summed witticisms from her two months on the show basically amounted to “OH MY GOD JUST YOU WAIT I’VE GOT (X) NEXT!”) and then being cautiously optimistic after her cha-cha in which she at least tried, we got THIS AWFUL MESS where she didn’t even dance and then dissolved into incontinent incoherance afterwards. SHAMEFUL and Vincent is going to have to deliver a dance at least the quality of Rachbot’s Argentine Tango next series to make up for it.

Monkseal’s 20 Favourite Dances Of The Series

20. Audley Harrison’s Foxtrot

Normally I’m not one for the “LET’S GIVE THEM A DUFFER AND SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO!” school of Strictly thought. I’ve never really seen the point of watching people “pay their dues”, and I’m not sure what is ever really learnt from it. What did we learn about Vincent this year? About Aliona with Rav Wilding (that precluded them from loading contenders on her anyway)? About Lilia with Richard Dunwoody? (apart from that there are miracles even she cannot work). And yet I can’t help hoping that this series was the making of Natalie with the public. One of the few pros to pull their celebs further than they warranted on talent alone in this very “to form” series, Natalie achieved this via a mixture of Erin-esque Latin, poking out the endearing side of Audley’s personality, and EPIC SKIRT-SWISHING, of which this routine was surely the romantic peak?

19. Nancy Dell’Olio’s rumba

I promised it would be here at the time, and here it is. Nancy lurches out of her coffin, drunk, gets molested by a zombie, then traps him in her crypt. We’ve all been there haven’t we ladies?

18. Holly Valance’s rumba

She really did have more on-floor chemistry with Brenda though didn’t she? I don’t think her dancing would have been as good technically with him necessarily, and I doubt the combination of their personalities would have been particularly edifying (Brenda + Someone Who Seems Like They’re Not Really Trying = NOT PLEASANT) but in terms of chemistry? They had it.

17. Anita Dobson’s salsa

Probably a controversial choice, but as Anita’s stay on Strictly further descended every week into neediness, madness, and repeated routines where Robin made her play the role of a 14 year old girl, this was incoherent lip-syncing fun in an absolutely hideousmazing Bertie Bassett dress. When I want to remember Anita fondly, it will be like this. Slung over Robin’s shoulder and popping her hips and bellowing “OK! I BELIEVE YOU!” noiselessly.

16. Russell Grant’s foxtrot

I was almost tempted by the whiff of Flavia’s clam, but in the end, Russell’s one appearance in this ranking has to be for this magnificent deployment of umbrella, and for once tapping into a gay vibe of triumph that didn’t feel forced or rote or just yelling “KYLIE!” over and over again.

15. Chelsee Healey’s samba

At the time I dismissed it as Chelsee on auto-pilot in Latin once again, but nothing else in the party dances this year has approached the level of art quite so much as her face wobbling with excitement as fireworks shot out of her arse. The giant balloons didn’t hurt either, or the fact that it almost felt like the dance filled the space it was set in. Almost. It was (yet again) a woeful year for salsambchas, but this out-shone them all.

14. Brendan Cole’s rumba

Rumour has it that Bloody Lulu was involved in this routine somewhere. I can’t recall seeing her myself. She must have been somewhere towards the back. Behind all the fog.

13. Nancy Dell’Olio’s paso doble

It’s been a real stretch this year to admit to myself that I loved a comedy contestant. Obviously there was my dalliance with the Gavbot last year, but he was really more of a LIKABLE SPORTSMAN ON A JOURNEY, and Katya’s tin-ear for comedy being what it is, we were mostly spared from purposeful comedy. No, usually I’m more of a “PURITY OF DAHNCE” kind of guy, but this year, Nancy pushed me over the edge. And truly this was her apex. The glamour of the Comedy VT, the stirring of the music, the giant bull blowing smoke behind her, the lobster’s claw, the counting out loud…Truly, more than any other female dancer to take this dance on, she WAS THE CAPE.

12. Alex Jones’ Viennese Waltz

I’d hate to come across as more favourable towards the self-indulgent blancmange that was Broadway Week than I actually am, following both Russell and Brendan’s dances from it appearing on this list but…second best breakthrough dance of the entire series yes? Simple, but effective.

(11. Where Harry Judd’s Waltz would have sat if it had been more than just a first half of greatness followed by twaddle)

11. Harry Judd’s Argentine Tango

Not really a vintage series for Argentine Tangos was it? The pros did their best, but Chelsee was too smiley and floppy, Holly too lazy, and Jason too…terrifying for any of the top tier to really stamp their mark on Argentine Tango history. Harry’s effort was by far the stand-out of the series, and all the better for being far too subtle for Len.

10. Alex Jones’ tango

UNLEASH THE ARM-HANKIES!

9. Jason Donovan’s tango

And another dance from Broadway Week. Hmm…anyway, it was still rubbish, let’s move on. Ahem. Early Jason really was the best Jason wasn’t it? Before the weeks of training got to him, and all that personality stuff reached a critical mass, and before Kristina went off her head a little in general. When he was happy to just to be a camp melange of tango and disco and to wave big pink fans around with abandon. Joyful nonsense, and a reminder of the less tense side of Jason’s Strictly story.

8. Chelsee Healey’s American Smooth

Oh Pasha, the Literal School of Strictly Choreography gets us all in the end doesn’t it? I am happy to admit that I am one of that breed that held Chelsee’s American Smooth about her paso doble in that semi-final rank-off, if only because its dreamy lyricism actually finally delivered on that long-running storyline about her learning self-control and elegance. Thank goodness sitting through all those awful VTs and patronising Brucie accents was, in the end, somewhat worthwhile. Shame about those splits though.

7. Harry Judd’s quickstep

Still the best end-pose of the series yes?

6. Jason Donovan’s quickstep

I have to admit to being mildly disappointed that his reprise for the finale was his tango instead of this. I get that he “had to go with what the judges chose” (*snort*) but this would have been an even greater farewell for Jason than even his showdance was. Inventive, charming, well danced, and Kristina at her choreographic peak for the series. He never quite topped this for me, no matter how hard he tried.

5. Holly Valance’s American Smooth

Say what you will about Artem’s tendancy to go off-piste on occasion (I’m still trying to forgive him for those lamp-posts. It’s quite an effort), but the man knows how to choreograph for a Themed Week. And this was the first time this series Holly really rose to match him, playing the Black Swan to his White Swan. Balletic, vaguely haunting, and slightly dangly of leg (LIKE A REAL SWAN ZOMG IT WAS A CHOREOGRAPHIC CHOICE) this was the dance where Holly put herself on the map, then wandered off to get a pizza.

4. Chelsee Healey’s jive

Would obviously be higher if they hadn’t done…that, to Pasha’s lovely gap-toothed face.

3. Chelsee Healey’s quickstep

All week Ian Waite had been promising me this was going to be a trainwreck of Titanic proportions. The awful training footage, the admonishments over not wearing proper footwear, the fretting about the lack of training time. And so it was I came in to Chelsee’s quickstep expecting the worst dance of the week, if not the series. And she went and did not only her best dance, but also the best quickstep of a series replete with excellent quickstepping. Never have I been more disappointed in Ian, not even that time he choreographed that jive for Penny.

2. Harry Judd’s Viennese Waltz

SO MANY FEELINGS!

1. Holly Valance’s paso doble

As much as it’s great to see a wonderful technical performance, or a masterclass in showmanship, or a tumbling of emotional torment and drama in a routine, nothing quite beats a dance that has you bouncing up and down on your seat yelling “GET IT GIRL!” as someone fulfils the potential that they’ve held back on unleashing for an entire series. Holly was never this good before, and she certainly wasn’t afterwards, but something about the paso doble, combined with two bottom 2s in a row, pushed her to her limits and dragged this out of her. In many ways, it was the TIME WARP of Series 8, and what higher praise is there than that for a dance? None. Quite frankly.

As usual, where multi-votes were cast, the results are expressed in the form of the % of voters, not the % of votes. That said, let’s get giving! We open with a new category…

Best Safety Sex-Face

And she’s so pleased to receive it! That’s right, the voices inside Anita’s head finally proved useful for something, because whilst her dancing could only win her 7th place on this year’s Strictly, the bizarre faces she pulled when she was revealed to be safe propelled her into all our hearts, with an impressive 44.45% of voters rooting her rooting on.

• 2nd – Holly Valance : 38.96%
• 3rd – Jason Donovan : 21.96%
• 4th – Alex Jones : 19.08%
• 5th – Lulu : 18.56%

Best Judge

It comes to something when the speculation isn’t about who will win, but what % of the vote he’s going to crush everyone else with. This year it’s a more muted 75.27% of the vote, as both Bruno and Alesha slowly gain ground on him, and Len slowly slides further into nonsense and POINTING and shouting. Also, people ACTUALLY VOTED FOR JENNIFER GREY. PEOPLE, PLURAL. I salute you sirs.

• 2nd – Bruno Tonioli : 11.6%
• 3rd – Alesha Dixon : 11.16%
• 4th – Len Goodman : 1.53%
• 5th – Jennifer Grey : 0.44%

Best Host

Yes Zoe, it IS real. A crushing victory for the newbie presenter, who came in and made It Takes Two her own. Well the bits of it not filled with that Dancers In Disguise bollocks. Or “Points Of You” or whatever it was called. Blech. Yes, in a ringing endorsement for the presenting team, votes went in reverse proportion to the number of people who actually watched them. Marvellous. Zoe won with 58.48% of your votes.

• 2nd – Claudia Winkleman : 35.59%
• 3rd – Bruce Forsythe : 3.81%
• 4th – Tess Daly : 2.12%

Best Use of Props/Staging in a Celebrity Routine

What a ringing endorsement for simple classic storytelling. Men rushes for plane, man finds he has lost ticket, stewardess refuses man entry unless he does quickstep with her, man and stewardess do quickstep, stewardess finds lost ticket in the middle of post-dance strip-search. Truly one of the 7 classic storylines. 58.32% of you thought similar, and praised Pasha and Chelsee’s stirling theatricality (dahling).

• 2nd – Chelsee Healey (Jive) : 45.73%
• 3rd – Holly Valance (Tango) : 37.51%
• 4th – Nancy Dell’Olio (Rumba) : 37.24%
• 5th – Jason Donovan (Tango) : 33.68%
• 6th – Holly Valance (Argentine Tango) : 32.31%
• 7th – Harry Judd (Tango) : 21.91%
• 8th – Nancy Dell’Olio (Waltz) : 19.99%
• 9th – Chelsee Healey (Samba) : 16.7%
• 10th – Holly Valance (Charleston) : 16.16%
• 11th – Russell Grant (Cha Cha)
• 12th – Russell Grant (Paso Doble)
• 13th – Holly Valance (Viennese Waltz)
• 14th – Lulu (Foxtrot)
• 15th – Audley Harrison (Jive)

Most BS Elimination

Such cruel folk. 51.8% of you would have put Erin’s longed for departure to Erin Island off for another week or two. Probably just the one though. It WAS Rory.

• 2nd – Holly Valance : 50.81%
• 3rd – Chelsee Healey : 27.36%
• 4th – Nancy Dell’Olio : 22.8%
• 5th – Jason Donovan : 10.1%

Best Episode

And I would imagine it would have been the same last year as well. 69.06% of you had it as one of your two favourite episodes. If you want to track the upturn in the series towards the end, then look no further than the fact that 71% of your votes went to episodes in the last 33% of the series.

• 2nd – Two Dance Week (Week 11) : 35.63%
• 3rd – Hallowe’en Week (Week 5) : 25%
• 4th – Finals Week (Week 12) : 21.56%
• 5th – Swingathon Week (Week 9) : 15%

Best Guest Performer

That picture is, you understand, in no way selected to indicate why Caro Emerald was chosen as your favourite celebrity guest performer of the series. 37.15% of you had her as one of your top 2. Now name the song she did.

• 2nd – Aloe Black : 29.71%
• 3rd – Dolly Parton : 22.86%
• 4th = Will Young : 16%
• 4th = Military Wives : 16%

Best Pro/Group Dance Of The Series

*FLAILS* *EYES 34.25% OF YOU WHO DID NOT VOTE FOR THIS EPICMAZING MASTERPIECE WITH DISDAIN* *FLAILS SOME MORE*

• 2nd – Team Ka$ha jive with Caro Emerald : 43.16%
• 3rd – Vincent & Flavia’s Annual Argentine Tango Showcase : 40.26%
• 4th – Artem is the Singular Sensation : 22.3%
• 5th – GLADIATORS! : 21.72%
• 6th – Addams Family Values : 18.83%
• 7th – Aloe Blacc Needs A Dollar, so Natalie Cops A Feel : 17.96%
• 8th – Pasha & His Flight Attendants : 17.09%
• 9th – A Classy Tribute To Old Hollywood : 14.48%
• 10th – Saturday Night At The Movies : 13.61%

Worst Comedy VT Of The Series

Oh Jason. There’s a thread on the Digital Spys currently asking if a celebrity over the age of 40 can ever win. In Jason’s case it probably wasn’t so much the age as…well this sort of bollocks really wasn’t it? A massive 69.86% of you chose this moment as the moment you realised that this year, the pre-dance VTs had leapt off a precipice and were never coming back. Now let’s all hope it’s impossible to run this category again next year eh?

• 2nd – Jason & Kristina 1970s Date Night : 35.63%
• 3rd – Jason is haunted by the ghosts of Strictly past : 27%
• 4th – Russell’s studio is haunted : 25.33%
• 5th – Lulu dances with Broom Brenda : 24.78%
• 6th – 7 year old Robbie is visited by his Fairy Olamother : 21.71%
• 7th – The Famous Five search for their Missing Dignity : 21.15%
• 8th – For no reason here’s Lionel Blair : 20.59%
• 9th – Robbie gets a Makeunder : 18.65%
• 10th – Cooking With Brenda & Lulu : 18.09%
• 11th – Jason In Drag
• 12th – Russell & Flavia make it to that Mountain-Top
• 13th = Jason meets Kristina at an abandoned theatre
• 13th = Chelsee IS Eliza Doolittle
• 15th – Alex Jones gets repeated electric shocks

King of all Pros

Can he top Artem’s CRUSHING 53.39% of all votes in his debut year? Not quite, as Pasha “only” racks up the votes of 47.67% of you to top the vote. Then again, Artem didn’t have Artem to compete against last year did he? (EXCEPT WHEN HIS BODY FAILED HIM OBVIOUSLY *woobie cry*). Another year, another newbie puts the established staff to shame.

• 2nd – Artem Chigvintsev : 29.53%
• 3rd – Brendan Cole : 11.63%
• 4th – Vincent Simone : 3.72%
• 5th – Anton du Beke : 3.26%

Queen of all Pros

Once more a much closer race amongst the female pros this year, with three of the top five having led the race at one point. And that’s just what I saw when I was checking. Still, in the end, in a series where none of the blog’s Established Female Favourites made it particular far, it feels somehow right that 21.1% of you is enough to default to Flavia.

• 2nd – Natalie Lowe : 16.97%
• 3rd – Katya Virshilas : 16.74%
• 4th – Kristina Rihanoff : 15.6%
• 5th – Aliona Vilani : 15.37%

Worst Celeb – Personality

It’s always nice when you give someone a nickname in the first week of the series that they then live up to. It was looking to be touch and go there in the aftermath of the series, as it was unclear as to who had left the worst impression. But then Bloody Lulu went around whining about how she should have got Pasha (LOL) and that appears to have sealed the deal for 57.89% of you.

• 2nd – Dan Lobb : 35.78%
• 3rd – Edwina Currie : 27.33%
• 4th – Jason Donovan : 21.86%
• 5th – Nancy Dell’Olio : 19.63%

Worst Celeb – Talent

THIS IS NO MADRID! And for 54.59% of you THIS IS NO A DANCER!

• 2nd – Edwina Currie : 40.34%
• 3rd – Lulu : 32.61%
• 4th – Dan Lobb : 29.47%
• 5th – Russell Grant : 10.87%

Best Celeb – Personality

How well she went down with the general public we’ll never know, but for the readers of this blog, there is no finer flavour of personality than laid-back Australian lazy rich bitch who didn’t give a shit, except in paso, who thought it was hilarious when she was in the bottom 2, brought a helicopter and a race-car and the owner of Formula One to training, and ultimately cracked up in tears when her time finally came following one dance which she’d spent entirely on her arse and another which caused her to cough up both lungs and a spleen. Well, 61.55% of you anyway.

• 2nd – Chelsee Healey : 46.15%
• 3rd – Harry Judd : 19.89%
• 4th – Alex Jones : 19.36%
• 5th – Nancy Dell’Olio : 14.59%

Best Celeb – Talent

In the very definition of a two-horse race, in which only 10 of the contestants got any votes, and I’m guessing one of those was a mistake, because I can’t imagine voting for Edwina on purpose even for the LOLs. Harry just squeaks out the win over Chelsee, with 89.38% of you having him as one of your top dancers. Two years in a row now, the best talent (as voted for by YOU) has won. Can this continue in Strictly 2012? FOR THE OLYMPICS!

• 2nd – Chelsee Healey : 88.86%
• 3rd – Holly Valance : 11.4%
• 4th – Jason Donovan : 6.99%
• 5th – Anita Dobson : 1.3%

Best Dance Of The Series

And the stranglehold of the top four continues, as they take up every single spot in your top twenty dances of the series (and, indeed, your top twenty-one). Whereas last year’s list found space for Gavin’s gay-making and bitter Jimi Mistry fans, this year, people have isolated their favourite dances quality-wise, and clung to them like limpits. Chelsee’s jive (with Pasha included, somewhere out of shot) was your favourite of the run, scoring positively with 45.6% of you.

• 2nd – Chelsee Healey’s Quickstep – Sing, Sing, Sing : 38.98%
• 3rd – Harry Judd’s Quickstep – Don’t Get Me Wrong : 38.59%
• 4th – Holly Valance’s American Smooth – Swan Lake : 34.49%
• 5th – Holly Valance’s Paso Doble – The Train : 28.06%
• 6th – Harry Judd’s Argentine Tango – Ase se Baila el Tango : 20.65%
• 7th – Harry Judd’s Viennese Waltz – This Year’s Love : 19.48%
• 8th – Harry Judd’s American Smooth – Can’t Help Falling In Love With You : 16.95%
• 9th – Chelsee Healey’s Rumba – Because Of You : 15.2%
• 10th – Holly Valance’s Argentine Tango – Por Una Cabeza : 13.83%
• 11th – Holly Valance’s Jive – Runaway Baby
• 12th – Chelsee Healey’s Paso Doble – Malaguena
• 13th – Chelsee Healey’s American Smooth – True Colours
• 14th – Holly Valance’s Foxtrot – Mama Knows Best
• 15th – Jason Donovan’s Tango – I Will Survive
• 16th – Jason Donovan’s Quickstep – Bewitched
• 17th – Chelsee Healey’s Charleston – 5ft 2″, Eyes Of Blue
• 18th – Jason Donovan’s Showdance – Dancin’ Fool
• 19th – Harry Judd’s Tango – Psycho Killer
• 20th – Harry Judd’s Charleston – I’m Just Wild About Harry

Join us tomorrow, for my own personal selection and (no, really, it is) the final entry of this series!

We open, as it’s Christmas

on a shot of two snowmen, dressed up as the aristocracy, having sex. And with a load of other snowmen watching as well. Take THAT Tim Burton – this makes The Nightmare Before Christmas look positively wholesome. Oh and halfway through, the male snowman

starts staring DIRECTLY AT ME! NO SEXY SNOWMEN, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN IN. The jolly, merry, whiskery old figure presiding over this festive gang-bang?

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN! DAMN YOU DR HAMELA!

To continue the theme, we open on a pastoral scene of a house in the rural

red-light district. A figure scrubs vigorously at the window, flings them open and beckons us to…

yeah, do you know what, I’ll just pass on. Even the Little Match Girl would that invitation down. For those brave enough to squeeze through the window and past Russell (did you see him on Gordon Ramsey’s Festive Cookalong Live incidentally? It’s really going to HURT when people stop paying attention to him in, what, about five months time? If that. Because he NEEDS IT.) they get to find out that

Harry Judd’s mum has been busy this festive period. That’s right, we’re going to be spending our Yuletide days as part of A Pro-Muppet’s Christmas Carol with Ian (the Ghost of Strictly Past), Vincent (the Ghost of Strictly Present), Katya (the Ghost of Strictlys Yet To Get A Decent Partner), Anton (whichever one Gonzo was supposed to be) and Erin (Muppets Treasure/Erin Island). If you need to know which of them’s been hitting the mulled wine hardest :

I hope this answers your question. And who can blame her?

They’re doing…some variety of dance, possibly jive, in the tiny space afforded to them around those giant crackers. I feel this decision by the props department to make everything Ian-sized in probably a mistake, unless it’s specifically to entice him back to the show, in which case I’m all for it, even if it means

Anton kicking Vincent in the head. Even as speech therapy that’s slightly desperate measures. Additionally on behalf of Evil Moira Ross, Ian is given the task of

checking underneath Vincent for a sell-by date, just to see if his choreography this year was a one-off aberration, or if he really is completely inedible in general.

So anyway, it comes time to pull the crackers and, just like all crackers you know what’s inside right? That’s right

a cheap hat, a useless novelty item and

an awful old joke right out of the 1980s.

Not really! I love you Su/have no particular opinion on you Debra/still hate that hat.

Festive Velociraptor Dance?

Festive Tess Dress Watch?

(Not bad actually) Both checked off for another year. Bruce tells Tess that she looks absolutely gorgeous this evening. This happens a few times this evening. I think it’s everyone in the cast trying to send a message to Wardrobe along the lines of a silent *compared to the shit they normally bulldog-clip you into*. The (in this case “hesmakingalisthescheckingittwicehesgonnafindoutwhosenaughtyor) “niceterseeyer” reveals the usual

den of has-beens and never-weres desperately trying to get some cred back via the Strictly name. Oh these audiences. I don’t even recognise the one on the left there. Is he in a soap?

Tess asks Bruce if he’s done his Christmas shopping yet, and Bruce replies that he has, which is quite admirable given that this was filmed in November (BBC LIES). I bet Wilnelia did most of it. And by most of it I mean “all of it”. I hope she went with Nancy. I’m currently in the process of writing a special UK remake of Desperate Housewives cast with Wilnelia, Nancy, Holly Valance and Stephanie Beacham. Wilnelia can be the Brie – all prim and houseproud and put-upon, Holly can be the Gabrielle, all slaggy and lazy and young and pretty, and Nancy and Stephanie can be Nancy and Stephanie because Lynette and Susan both suck.

Bruce can be the series-long mystery.

He and Tess together tell us this is the Christmas Special, and will feature a cast of all new celebrities competing for the festive glitterstar, and also the entire (wrong) cast of 2011 are here (correct) to do a dance as well (wrong). Tess also tells us that Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Shakin’ Stevens. Erm…I think I’d manage. Apparently he’ll also have a golden Russell Grant shaped surprise. Because nothing says “surprise” like going “IT’S RUSSELL GRANT!” does it Tess?

Bruce says he’s glad Shakin’ Stevens is here, so long as he doesn’t pour out the drinks

LOL alcoholism. Speaking of which, here’s Nancy!

And the man she will be laying her eggs inside later. Bruce and Tess introduce the “stars of our Christmas show”, and they CAM AHT and Supollard almost goes arse over tit down the stairs right at the off. Well this augers well. Bruce jokes that Barry McSquiggles looks so nervous you’d think he was worried about his chestnuts getting roasted on an open fire.

If Erin in any way still cared Bruce, they probably would have been.

Bruce tells Barry not to worry because this is a Christmas Special and even if Erin did actually set him on actual fire, there’s no way three of the judges would go below an 8 for him, and those are the only three judges here, because Craig has gone AWOL. Apparently he’s got himself wedged somewhere dark, tight, and dirty. That’s right he’s

wedged right up the crack of a chimney. And he emerges

covered in green make-up (*all eyes turn to Pasha*). Yes, apparently Craig is the Grinch, come to “steal Christmas” darling, and he flaps around mincing his green flappy claws whilst everyone boos. Maybe they think it’s Jim Carrey and they’re expressing their thoughts on Mr Penguins Poppers or whatever it was that he last graced our screens in. Anyway, Craig takes his place on the panel

before Katya blasts a jet powered hose directly into his face and none of the make-up is ever seen again. Thanks Katya. Bruce announces, out loud, that he wishes he had some stuffing left.

Well there’s an image I could have happily died without ever thinking of…

Tess next tells us how tonight’s going to work. There will be no public vote – instead the studio audience will be serving as “the public” tonight, and their ranking will be combined with the judges scores to find our winner. So really it’s all about who’s got the most mates in. The man from the boy-band with three other members

(one of whom clearly isn’t allowed up this late), the woman from The Impressions Show (with one other regular cast-member), the boxer (who spent his entire career punching his colleagues in the face), Su Pollard or the woman from the not at all bloated Eastenders cast.

*HIGH TENSION*

Him from Blue & Katya Virshilas dancing the cha cha

Speed on the day that she’ll be called Katya Kongsdal, which is a) a better name (sorry Katya, it is), b) easily shortened to KATYA KONG, and c) possibly capable of being pronounced by Bruce as anything other than a sneeze noise. Bruce makes a joke about how ugly Simon is. Oh Bruce. Although he was better before all the tattoos.

Here he is anyway

Tess describes him as being a “singing hunk”, which sounds like something you’d find in a carnival freak-show. Why not just call him a melodious slab and have done with it? Anyway, Tess reminds us all that Simon built his reputation as part of boyband Blue

Anthony may or may not have been having a piss when this photo was taken, you can never be quite sure. Simon smirks that Blue were, apparently, really popular,

(maybe not with everyone) and then after splitting in 2005, he went on to have “a succesful solo career” (*stuffs face with miniature cheese and pickle pork pies to stifle the laughter*). I guess it was succesful in that it definitely happened.

Then this year Blue reformed to do Eurovision, but they came 11th, behind Jedward after

Lee did the entire performance facing the wrong way. (Again, I can neither confirm or deny that Anthony is taking a piss in that photo, I just can’t). This is why he wasn’t allowed out this evening. A harsh but fair punishment I’m sure you’ll agree. Simon talks about how being chosen to represent the UK was a great honour when, like, Scooch and Precious both did it. He does promise though that the Strictly Christmas Special will be even worse than Eurovision, nerves wise, because unlike in Eurovision, he’ll be out there on his own.

Or indeed, with Katya, which is the next worse thing, apparently. Simon discovers this only after

unwrapping her head from inside a giant Christmas present because yes, from the neck down that could easily have been Flavia or whoever. Simon tells us that you can always tell how you’re going to get on with someone from the first 5 seconds. Apparently the first 5 seconds for these two went something like

this. And who would expect anything else? Simon grizzles that he’s not used to being told what to do by anyone, let alone a woman. Oh Simon Katya’s not a woman…she’s a WHOLE other kettle of psychotic fish. She smiles to camera and says that the most important thing about the Strictly Christmas Special is having fun. Simon hoots

“AND WINNING!” and she’s all “yeah, well of course, but I’m trying this thing where I don’t scare the British public off by being an insanely competitive hosebeast. It’s not really working, but it’s worth a go right?” To close, Simon tell us he’s practiced both his winner’s smile and his

disappointed smile. Oh Simon, that face is how Erin now looks ALL THE TIME. No, really, it’s uncanny. TAKE THAT DEBRA SO-CALLED STEVENSON.

To the dance-floor now and

it looks like Katya’s been baking. By which I mean it looks like Katya has been throwing fruit haphazardly at flan-cases so she gets to

bend saucily over a table. TAKE THAT NIGELLA SO-CALLED LAWSON. She and Simon are dancing their cha-cha to “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade, with a “hubbys stumbling home from the pub drunk on Christmas Eve in the MOOD FOR LOVE” theme (oh Katya). Simon

throws off his hat,

and his jacket, and then Katya throws away her pinny and

spontaneously loses all control of her vagina and/or legs, as the woman is apt to do in this dance.

There’s not an awful lot going on, but his hips are moving, and it’s a Christmas Special, so *shrug*. The singers launch at “IT’SSS CHRISSSSSSSSSSTMAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS” is spectacularly mishit though. Why they didn’t get Bruno to do it I don’t know. And Katya’s hair is so plastered to her face that

it starts to look rather like what she got for Christmas was an unfortunate tribal tattoo. They close this passion play of Christmas carnality by

erm, sitting down and reading the paper. Are they checking what’s on ITV?

It gets a Standing Ovation, and up on the Tessanine they all burst into applause with

Barry McSquiggles looking like he’s especially enjoying the view from above. Having said that, it’s nothing compared to the display from

Noted Bisexual Duncan James. He’s overloaded the poor dear.

Once over at Bruce, Katya and Simon both mug about about how sexy they both are, which gives Bruce time to introduce Davearch, the Wonderful Orchestra and

The Man In The Festive Hat. I’m glad they let him out of that cupboard he was apparently stuffed in for the final. Oh and it’s also time to introduce our judges, all via the medium of food metaphors. Craig is an Australian wine (/whine), Bruno is nuts and crackers, Alesha is the icing on the cake (ie sweet, decorative, but hardly vital) but the best bit is when Bruce calls Len a trifle because he’s “a bit fruity” because the

LOOK OF BARELY RESTRAINED RAGE on Len’s face is qutie spectacular. It looks like he’s just swallowed a denture. Oh and Bruno also put the mince into mince pies, a ha ha ha.

Because we all know on that panel it is BRUNO who minces (*COUGH*CRAIG*COUGH*). I doubt Bruno can walk in a straight line long enough to mince.

Len starts for the judges, saying the routine was crisp (like fresh snow), sharp (like the winter air on Christmas morning) and hot (like mulled wine) and also

TOOTY FRUITY WHAT A BOOTY! or something.

Alesha follows, and says that it was strong, animalistic (which animal she doesn’t say, it might be, like, an owl or something) and totally in control. He should be proud

and possibly a bit scared. Simon points at Katya, all “she done this”, not that this stops

Bruno directing his face exactly where he wants to direct it. He mugs that he’s had so much hot toddy that he now feels dizzy. If by “hot toddy” you mean “various legal and not so legal highs all melted down in a giant mug of cider, then yes, I would agree. Craig closes by calling it a powerhouse of strength, darling.

No, I don’t know why Katya is doing that face either, but I’ll take it. Craig closes by calling Simon “Amazonian” which is, you know, calling him a girl, but a really tought girl, and this is the 21st century and women wear trousers now and stuff (especially, on this show, when they really shouldn’t), so it’s a compliment.

Up to the Tessanine they look to the future now (panto in Widnes), and they both grin about how amazing that was. Someone should tell Katya that nobody’s ever winning a Christmas Special with a cha-cha, because she seems to be getting a bit…you know…invested. Tess asks Simon if he thinks his band mates enjoyed it, and Simon says he thinks so, because he could hear them both

screaming the loudest out of everyone out there. And Lee’s absence wouldn’t have made any difference, because his mouth would have been full of jelly snakes. Sadly he wasn’t allowed to attend because he dunked Alex Jones’ pigtails in the glue-pots. Simon thanks Katya for whipping him into shape, mutters something about hoping his girlfriend was happy with that, and scores are in

36

Debra Stevenson and OH MY GOD LOOK WHO IT IS, IT’S IAN WAITE dancing the American Smooth

I do love that he couldn’t really be bothered to shave properly. If it was a full series, maybe, but not just for this. They’re lucky he got dressed frankly. Bruce tells us all that Debra is so marvellous on the Impressions Show, and he’s sure we’ve all seen it (*silence*). She does a marvellous Claudia, and her Fiona Bruce is amazing. Apparently Bruce met Fiona Bruce once, on the Antiques Roadshow, and she valued him.

Poor Wilnelia. You have to think she was expecting more than 17p and a Gummi Bear.

Oh crap, they’ve accidentally cued up Su’s VT by mistake. Hang on…

here we go. This is Debra Stevenson. Her many faces have made her one of the nation’s most loved female impressionists. That and when Jan Ravens went mental on Strictly 5 years ago and made herself unemployable. So here Debra is to repay the favour. She was also apparently in Bad Girls and Coronation Street for a bit. And Celebrity Fame Academy. And Let’s Drag Up For Comic Relief. And Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding-Dong. And virgin 1s “The Prisoner X”. Not that she’s got form or anything. Oh and

X Factor. I can’t believe she got knocked out in that sing-off with effing CHICO. Damn you SHARON OSBOURNE. I’ve always found her moderately likable, but she IS an impressionist, so let’s face it, she’s probably an awful human being.

She tells us all that doing this

is the sort of job she’s dreamed of doing since she was a kid. To be fair, that man playing the waiter is quite fit so…fair dos Debra Stevenson. She lies that her Davina McCall impression

is the one everyone loves, because, well, everyone just loves Davina don’t they? Personally it’s my favourite Debra Stevenson impersonation because it presents Davina as an awful insincere gasping harridan, but that might just be me. I doubt it though. She goes on to faux-nervous that she’s worried about meeting Tess again, because the last time she saw her she was doing an impression of her and dressed up exactly the same.

Presumably so we’d know the impression was supposed to be of because…it’s not great. Kudos for her going the full mile and making the dress even more ill-fitting on her than it managed to be on Tess. Now THERE’S commitment.

And who’s she partnered with?

Why Ian Waite of course. Not that he gets to say much. The only words he says throughout the entire VT are “…and sick”, and “what a lovely ending”. So worth it. I mean, it’s a generic bit of fluff about how all the spinning in their American Smooth makes her feel sick, but hey, get this man some better script writers please.

To the dance-floor now and

I love how thoroughly Ian has out-done Katya in the interior decor stakes. That’s right Katya, he’s got TWO Christmas trees, and a lamp, and a chaise-longue, and parquet floors and giant windows and paper chains, and classy presents. What did you offer? Tarts. So there. In a very real way, he’s won the show right there. They’re dancing to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” complete with

lip-syncing from Debra, and I’m taking it as entirely being a tribute to this iconic rendering of the same song, complete with appropriate “barking up the wrong tree dear” vibes. And also

“my, is she drunk” vibes. The dancing’s alright, elegant-ish, but also a bit flappy and slightly heavy, and this lift

makes me laugh far too much for reasons I can’t quite identify.

Nice to have Ian back anyway.

It gets a standing ovation, and Bruce coos that you’d think she’d been dancing for years. Don’t encourage the Internet conspiracy theorists Bruce. I know it’s only a Christmas Special so you’d think they’d have more of a light-hearted attitude to everything but…never underestimate us.

Alesha starts for the judges, and tells Debra that she looks gorgeous, had lovely lines, nice turns and great lifts, and looked really at home in the American Smooth. Debra in turn does her very best impression of

Harry Judd Humble Face. Bruno follows by saying it was “full of flavour, a treat for the eyes, and delicious to savour”. Which episode of the Red Shoe Diaries did he get that one out of? Oh and throws out a

random lady-perve, just to keep the balance up.

Craig follows, saying that she has nasty flat thumbs, and gapping you could drive a sleigh through. Debra protests that it was just her

marvellous Darren Gough impression. Well she doesn’t, but it’s still would have been better than any of the impressions Rory did, so I’ll give it to her anyway. Len closes by calling her “the fairy on the top of the tree”, which of course sets Ian off, all

“WHO, ME? TEE HEE!”. Whatever Ian, we all know that you and Denise Lewis contorted yourselves into sexual positions on the regular that would make Artem & Kara look like Fred & Ethel from number 82, I don’t know who you’re kidding with this “I’m a homo” stuff. Really. Len continues mugging away regardless and finishes of by saying “Baby It’s Cold Outside? Well

you warmed me up!”. Mercifully Ian does not pretend that Len is talking to him in this instance.

Bruce sends them up to the Tessanine by telling Debra that it was a marvellous IMPRESSION of Cyd Charisse. Ian mugs that he asked for Ginger Rogers and just had to

make do with second best. Your encounter with Damien Lewis is nothing to do with this show Ian, let it go, you big name-dropper. We all know about your Zumba classes to the starts by now. Once they’re up there, Tess asks them how many hours training went into that and Debra

clearly on the verge of sicking up again, says 8 hours. Oh Debra, that’s hardly any, it should be much better than that. Tess gets Debra to clarify that she has in fact loved every minute of it, and Debra clarifies that she has, indeed, enjoyed every one of the 502 minutes of it so far. EVERY ONE. Scores are in -

37. After the scores, Tess makes Debra do her Claudia impression. This of course, only makes me want Claudia to come and present this bit more.

Barry McSquiggles & Erin Boag dancing the Quickstep

Apparently Barry confided in Bruce that his favourite part of Christmas used to be when his kids got him up at 3am to open their presents, but now the only time they wake him up at 3am on Christmas Eve is when they’ve forgotten their front door key.

That, of course, hasn’t happened to Bruce since why back in his early married days, when he tried to put his (sabre-toothed) cat out for the night. He was stuck there banging the door for ages going “WILNELIAAAAAAAAAA!” (Poor Wilnelia). Those giant steaks were quite something though. Bruce closes by yelling “WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE HAVEN’T WE?”. I Bruce, have not.

VT time and we are introduced to world-famous boxer and

Hell’s Kitchen champion (oooh, his mashed potatoes were the stuff of legends) Barry McSquiggles. He was World Paperweight Champion in 198something when he punched some guy until he fell over. It was the GREATEST NIGHT OF HIS LIFE. I love sport. 75,000 people lined the streets of Belfast, and 200,000 lined the streets of Dublin, all to get a look at him and celebrate his win.

This is nothing of course compared to the victory parades for Harry Judd. So many people lined the streets of Chelmsford that the UK actually tipped up slightly and far away in the highlands some sleeping sheep slid all the way down to Aberdeen. Oh and for this feat he won Sports Personality Of The Year, sandwiched between Torville & Dean and Nigel Mansell. What a thought. Fortunately, Sports Personality Of The Year is decided by public vote alone, with no input from judges, otherwise he would have lost to Lisa Snowdon.

Barry worries slightly about what his boxing friends will have to say about him doing a Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. And well he might worry, because I know if there’s anyone who is in a valid position to laugh at someone’s performance on Strictly it’s

this guy. In the end, Barry decides to hell with it, it’s Christmas, he doesn’t care what people say about him.

Speaking of not caring

herrrrrrrrre’s Erin. Recreating the end of that Christmas movie favourite – Se7en. Her reaction to getting Barry in the draw for partners? Basically it’s

“look at this f***ing midget. Are you on crack producers? Actual crack? Whatever. I’m going to make him wear high heels, don’t think that I won’t. No, really, what a f***ing midget

where’s my booze?”

They try and pretend that they did training, when I think we all know the only training they did was Erin saying “look, I’m going to run round in a circle, you just hold on to me short-arse. We’ll call it a quickstep and Len will give it a 9, because it’s me. You go punch at shadows, mummy’s off to Erin Island” *grabs bottle of tequilla and puts face-mask on*

We close with Barry giggling that he’s going to be wearing his brown corduroys and incontinent pants, just in case he shits himself. Erin’s all

“no problem as long as none of it spatters onto me, munchkin-boy.”

To the dance-floor now and

I love how allergic Erin is to theming. She’s just rummaged in the bins round the back of Hotel Erin on her way to the studio, brushed the worst off a sprig of mistletoe, and that’s it. Compare that to Ian auditioning to be the new presenter of Grand Designs in the routine before. Oh Erin. Len

tugs on his bell-end (SPORTSMAN!) and the dance is on.

Erin uses the mistletoe for the

obvious, then lobs it at the orchestra and gets to work on implementing all the hours of training. IE

she runs round in a circle whilst Barry holds on and tries not to get trampled underfoot. They’re doing their running to “Jingle Bells” and erm…that’s about it

some bits of it aren’t them just running round in a big circle I swurr. They do a metric ton of lifts I know that much.

THE END. Still the best performance by a boxer on this or any other iteration of the show THINK ON THAT. And bless Erin. I hope if she falls on her arse on a frosty morning whilst carrying her Sainsburys bags in from the car she styles it out like that.

It gets a Standing Ovation

from the returning celebs at least. Well…most of them.

Bruce greets them by cooing that he’s experienced Barry’s quick feet around the ring (TOO MUCH INFORMATION BRUCE, LET’S MOVE ON), and Bruno starts by saying that he moved faster than Lewis Hamilton! There were only occasional pauses to stop and refuel and then BOOM, HE WAS OFF AGAIN. Does Bruno know what sport Barry is famous for? I’m guessing not. AS EXCITING AS NIGEL MANSELL AND AS LIKABLE AS MICHAEL SCHMUACHER! HUZZAH!

Craig follows by saying that Barry could do with a little more length of bone (no need to be personal Craig) and he lost his balance as well. Oh and his hands were spatulistic. Erin is, as ever,

loud and drunk, at all times. She starts yelling about how mean Craig is so Craig replies that he did love the Charleston section. Will it ever be as amazing as this Charleston section Craig, no it will not.

Len follows by making an awful

“Boxing Day” joke, and then just slobbers all over it because it’s an Erin Boag quickstep. Alesha closes by saying that that was “surprisingly good”. Always nice to here.

Up to the Tessanine they jingle their bells, and of course Tess gets Barry to threaten to hit Craig because

lord knows Bruce only said it about 50 times that I edited out. Tess gushes that Barry must be used to a very different type of dancing on Christmas Day, and Barry says that’s true. Normally he has someone chasing him, but occasionally in training he’d turn his back and Erin had run off. He’d find her an hour later in the BBC Canteen car hugging a bottle of Malibu she had made in the shape of Austin Healey. Still, when she was sober and not hiding the keys to the gym inside her coconut bra and pretending she couldn’t find them, oh well, LET’S LIMBO!, she was a great coach and a true friend. Tess asks them both if they’d like to win. Erin normally takes her hand off. Scores are in -

36. Simon and Katya are in

no way incredibly pissed off at this turn of events. LOOK, THEY’RE SMILING.

Super Lard & Anton du Beke dancing the foxtrot

Not so much a dancer as a social worker these days isn’t he? Apparently during rehearsals Su gave Bruce a three foot long sock. Obviously she was using the same training room as Gethin used and found one of his erm…winter warmers. Those training rooms do get chilly.

Here’s

Su Pollard, “style icon and comedy legend”. I like to think they threw the first of those in just to make the second bit sound less lame. If you never saw Hi De Hi, it was basically 30 minutes of this

occasionally interrupted by Ruth Madoc being an amazing Welsh slut. I love it unapologetically. It’s not quite as amazing as ‘Allo ‘Allo (GOOD MOANING! I WAS PISSING BY THE DOOR WHEN I HEARD TWO SHATS! <3 <3 <3 4eva) but really, what is? Su recounts her Hi-De-Hi glory days, her “You Rang M’Lord?” semi glory days, neglects to mention “Oh Dr Beeching” (…probably wise) and reminisces about her singing career.

And honestly, people think Little Mix represent women everywhere? PAH.

Su says that she likes to think of her self as Lady Gaga’s mentor and all round style inspiration

(Lady Gaga is the one on the left there by the way). You may scoff, but I watched that Monsters Ball concert she did on Sky, and she spent a good 5 minutes rambling on (in the middle of a song, naturally) about how one of her biggest inspirations in Marissa Tomei so, let’s face it, we’re all in with a chance. Su promises to give us all 90 seconds of fabulousness. Eh, near enough.

Guess who Su is partnered with?

THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ARTE…oh no wait, it’s Anton. I know I’m surprised. It’s like this whole show is the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter and he is Mental-Illness House. Anyway, Su totters everywhere like a chicken in a gale in rehearsals, and she’s obviously not helped by the fact that she appears to be double-booked with this show and

working as a festive dinner-lady in a near-by comprehensive. Anton blathers that she is the best partner he has ever had and she epitomizes foxtrot sophistication, as Su grabs her own vagina from through the back of her legs and hops around going “UH UH UH UH!” I’m not doing a picture, you can just imagine it. Then she

sticks a grape up her own nose. Oh Su…

She jokes that even if she doesn’t get to lift the glitterball (SPOILERS : she doesn’t) she will at least have lifted her own spirits, and it will make a different venue for her dancing skills than her usual Christmas Day dancefloor – the table in her own living room. Anything to liven up the Queen’s Speech I guess.

To the dance floor and

Anton’s got his chestnuts out again. But wait…who’s this?

It’s Su! Flinging out Christmas Crackers and being dragged in on a sleigh by Pasha and Artem. This definitely, definitely counts as both of them putting up with a duffer, so it’s RINGERS ONCE AGAIN for them both next series right? Right? I think it makes sense. Do you know what doesn’t make sense? Su Pollard doing a foxtrot. What genius backstage thought that one up? The woman is a febrile ball of mental chaos, I don’t want to see her trying (and failing) a stately foxtrot, especially with Anton

lifting her up and down like a windy toddler. Oh and that grape she jammed up her nose, to mimic a ball of snot, also by coincidence

mimics her costume. Mmm, festive green.

Really the concentration on her face throughout is sad to see. Who wants to watch Su like this

rather than say, running around in a paso using a yellowcoat as the cape? Hmm? And then to compound the indignity Anton can’t quite help a

“I’M PUSHING HER UP BY HER ARSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” joke to close. Really, I miss the subtlety of his routines with Nancy don’t you?

Up on the Tessanine Katya’s all

“right, if THIS gets 36, I am cutting a bitch”.

Over to the judges Anton carries her and Bruce tells her that he just wants her to know that, even before the judges confirm that she was crap, she’s his favourite. Of course Su knows what this means and

swings for him. HOORAY.

Craig starts for the judges by saying that it really lacked most of the fundamentals of foxtrot, so she

swings for him as well.

Holly Valance is loving this shit. Maybe we can get Su to play Mrs McCluskey in Strictly Desperate Housewives?

Let’s try and top that madness. Len says that she came out like the Snow Queen and metamorphosised into a Christmas Tree, Alesha says she wants to give Su an extra point just for attacking Craig (so a 3 paddle then? PLEASE MAKE IT A 3 PADDLE), and Bruno compliments her on her range. So that’s nothing topping it then. Let’s take another look at her assaulting Craig, going where not even Audley dared to go.

She laughs it off with an “IT WAS DONE WITH AFFECTION!” which only makes me love her more, because that’s EXACTLY the line I’m taking if anybody from the show finds out about this blog. Before running away.

Bruce tries to get them to piss off up to the Tessanine, but Su is more interested in shuffling around mumbling “long and sloooooowwwww, long and sloooowwww” which is apparently something Anton told her once. Amazing. Bruce finally pulls himself together to ask Anton to “take her up the stairs” to which Su replies with a near perfect

“OOOH PARDON!” (or words to that effect). Double amazing.

So up to the Tessanine they (eventually) go and Tess lies to them that that was even MORE than 90 seconds of fabulousness. Katya’s bitch-face at this is

spectacular. YOU CAN’T LIE AT CHRISTMAS TESS, THE ELVES WILL COME FOR YOU! Su waffles on about how amazing Anton is and then we get distracted on a fashion interlude where style icon Su starts telling everyone that they are dressed amazingly this evening, particularly Tess. Thanks Style Icon Su! Scores are in -

30. (Hurr hurr, 69) Then

everyone starts grabbing at Anton. Who even knows why?

Janine Butcher & Vincent Simone dancing the jive

Apparently Bruce was told by Janine that after the show finishes filming she’s off to the Queen Vic for a traditional Eastenders Christmas. This will apparently feature a booze-up, a knees-up, a punch-up, an explode-up, a rape-up and quite probably a poorly written comedy storyline involving Big Mo, a pair of knickers and a roast turkey-up.

VT now and

here is Janine Butcher. She’s won lots of awards for playing Janine Butcher in Eastenders.

And she’s been in it for ages, since she was 17 in fact.

Such a shame these child stars going into a soap and not really exploring their options in life as a performer. With a bitch-face like that, she EASILY could have been a Strictly Pro. Her dancing’s not much worse than Hayley Holt’s was as well (HEY-OH). Janine rattles on about how Janine is the sort of character you love to hate, or just hate, or in my case, love to love and watch clips of her murdering useless crap characters like Barry Evans and Danielle Whatserface (YES SHE’S DEAD DIGITAL SPY GET OVER IT) and Laura Beale over and over and over again. But she wants us all to know that in real life she’s not like that

which she immediately proves to be untrue by EATING A MINCE PIE IN EVIL FASHION. YOU’VE NOT FOOLED ME JANINE! She says that she really wants her grandparents and daughter to see her happy on Christmas Day not

trying to murder someone. Whatever Janine, you’re never happier than when you’re a-murdering. As that proves. (Also, she’s lucky she’s not got Anton, because we all know that that’s how that would have ended).

Instead she’s got

Vincent. Armed with mistletoe and staring down her top HURRAH MOLTO BENE MY LITTLE PICCOLINO BELLA LASAGNA etc etc. He tells us all that he and Janine have so much chemistry going on

I’ll say. They have a whole storyline where they argue whether to include an illegal lift, which would make a lot more sense if Erin hadn’t just done about 50 of them in her quickstep with no bother at all. Janine does some quality “I’M A GOOD GIRL I AM!” acting but then Vincent tells her she looks like an elephant and

THE MASK SLIPS. They close by saying that they hope that their energy gets people up and dancing in their living rooms at home. Maybe if Su were at home, but otherwise…

To the dance-floor and

never has a Sexy Santa outfit looked quite like the box for some cheap porn right? And that’s saying something. Vincent’s sack quivers around in the background, looking a bit like a silvery Grimace with a ginger mullet. Hang on…

there we go. Vincent twirls around, handing out gifts to all, then reveals that his bulging sack is in fact concealing

JANINE! WITH A KNIFE! Not really, she’s just there to do a festive jive to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. Which is actually rather good, for a Week 1 Performance, with quality skirt business and

“riding an imaginary motorcycle” action. I like to think she’s imagining running over Heather. Also, this is the

most excited I’ve seen anyone about going between Vincent’s legs in years. (NB : evaluation does not include Vincent himself)

THE END.

It gets a Standing Ovation and a requisite “LOOK! LOOK JANINE! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” from Bruce. Oh how I am not going to miss that in the 10 months before this all starts up properly again. Look, she’s even provoked a

Harry Judd/Tim Henman fist-pump. That’s how you KNOW it was adequate.

Len starts for the judges, and calls it sharp and tasty, like a pickled walnut.

Oh Len, there is nothing tasty about your pickled walnuts, and if they’re sharp you should probably go see a doctor. Alesha follows, saying it was fast-paced, full of energy, with great kicks and flicks, great bounce action, full of personality and PURE FUN (but still not as good as Barry clinging onto Erin for dear life). Bruno follows with some

equal opportunity perving, as per usual. Craig closes by saying “one word, three syllables, starting with F”

which this time is apparently “Fabulous”, not last time, when it was “FLAT-U-LENCE” and he was just giving everyone fair warning.

This note sends them up to the Tessanine, where Janine mugs that she

still isn’t quite able to catch her breath after that routine. Tess informs Janine that she’s won many Soap Awards – Best Villain, Best Exit (which of her seventeen exits was that then?) but how would it feel to win a POINTLESS STRICTLY CHRISTMAS GEWGAW? Janine laughs that really she’s doing it for Vincent, because he’s never won before, and he has to win something at some point right? (Yes, compared to the BULGING trophy cabinets of all the other competing pros this evening. Erin can’t even get in her garage because of all the trophys in there (that she made herself)). Scores are in

37. Making our final festive leaderboard thus : Girls, then Boys, then Sus. Basically this means whoever gets the most audience votes wins (unless it’s Su).

Coming up… “a real fairy at the top of the tree” (that’s right it’s 1978, and we’re calling gay men “fairies” in an unironic sense, I’m so proud of the programmes I watch), but first here’s

Shakin Stevens, miming along to “Merry Christmas Everyone”. Here are his backing mimers

Drunky, Normal, and That Girl Who Hated Blue. Once we’ve had a lungful of this festive standard, the giant pudding in the corner SPLITS OPEN and from it emerges

another giant pudding. Then Flavia

throws some stuff at him. Merry Christmas.

That done, it’s time to find out our FESTIVE CHAMPION :

IT’S JANINE! McFly rush onto the fl…oh no wait, they don’t. Vincent and Janine just have a bit of a hug.

Then she pushes him off a clif…oh no, wait, she doesn’t, she just parties with the trophy and dedicates it to her daughter – Kiki.

Do you know, at this point they did a celeb group dance, but it featured Russell as an actual fairy BECAUSE HE IS GAY, and I just can’t. Not even Holly giving even less of a shit than she did for the rest of the series can compel me to do it. GOODNIGHT EVERYONE, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!