Let’s get CACKLIN, for TONY JACKLIN!
(*note to self : needs work*)
Tony Jacklin : Let’s not beat around the bush here, Tony Jacklin is one of the biggest names in the history of English golf. He’s the only Englishman to win The Open Championship in the last 50 years apart from Nick Faldo, the most successful European Ryder Cup captain of all time, a member of the official golf Hall Of Fame, and before international sex symbol Justin Rose won it this year, the last Englishman to win the US Open and the only European to win it between the years 1926 and 2009. (THANKS FOR ALL OF THAT WIKIPEDIA! Also for the sentence “Six weeks after his first wife’s death, Jacklin met a 16-year-old waitress named Donna Methven at a golf tournament in England”, which is probably the most melancholy sentence on the whole website apart from several on Lindsay Lohan’s page). I guess the real problem for me is that Tony Jacklin is one of the biggest names in the history of English golf. So…not really my area of maximum anticipation. His reveal has been hyped as being a big deal because he’s the first golfer ever to do the show which…there’s probably a reason for that. The reason being “any dads watching this show will be doing so by force anyway”. Of course the real reason Tony Jacklin’s here is obviously that Bruce has swung a favour in the last ochre burnings of his twilight years, and got one of his golfing buddies a slot as this year’s antiquated duffer. I can’t wait for the rest of this year’s male cast to be revealed, including such legends as Peter Alliss, Ronnie Corbett, and Bob Carolgees & Spit The Dog.
Monkseal Suggested Pro Partner : Eri…oh no wait, she’s gone. Flavia just won, so may…oh wait. Erm…who got someone hot last year, men wise? Karen? OK, let’s say Karen Hauer.
Patrick Robinson : I’m not saying that the BBC are being desperate in their attempts to boost up a rather lacklustre (at least terms of name-recognition) male line-up, but the line in the press release saying that Patrick Robinson was the “first black man ever to play Romeo in Romeo & Juliet” has to be up there with the most hysterical lies they’ve ever told. In reality Patrick Robinson is the first black man ever to play Ash from Casualty. Which is less of an honour, but still pretty special. I mean who can forget those amazing storylines he had, like when he was a union rep for three episodes or when somebody he knew died or when it turned out he was diabetic? THRILLING CASUALTY SCENES. Actually, when you investigate Patrick Robinson’s background, ringery things fall out. The stint at LAMDA. His sporting background (Tom Chambers still being the only male winner without one, so long as you count Harry Judd’s weekly jaunt up the golf club with Roger and Lawrence and Simon Bassington-Ffrench and all the guys from Deloitte). His experience doing Riverdance with Lisa Maxwell on “Let’s Drag Up And Audition To Get On Strictly Next Year For Comic Relief”. Darcey’s backing as the strongest male contender on paper. Could Patrick Robinson, far from being yet another random bloke in this slightly inauspicious cast be our very first over 40s winner? No but…I just needed something to say, really.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro-Partner : Anya Garnis, because they’re going on about his natural rhythm ALREADY (FFS) so why not give him a Latin specialist?
Ben Cohen : Ben Cohen is the third most prolific try scorer in the history of the England rugby team, behind one of the Underwood brothers and Will Greenwood (no, I will never stop finding that picture hilarious). He’s also a member of the only winning English rugby union world cup squad. Of course the press care naught for these achievements. Far more fascinating to tabloid readers is Ben Cohen’s relationship with the gays. Which is that gay men grunt “WOOF!” at him like disgusting fuckpigs, using words like “husbear” (dear God). Ben in return poses nude for them, and also “advocates gay rights”, whatever that means today. Sings “Born This Way” in the shower or whatever. This relationship (despite Ben Cohen not EVEN BEING GAY ZOMG) fascinates to such a degree that you’re likely to find more uses of the word “gay” in an article about Ben Cohen than you are one about Gareth Thomas. On holiday on Fire Island. Draped in a rainbow flag. Whilst actually [BLANK]ing a [BLANK]s [BLANK] and then [BLANK]ing on it. Of course all this of much less interest to me personally than Ben Cohen’s membership of one of history’s OTHER most blighted and persecuted tribes. One of which I personally also happen to be a member of. That’s right, Ben Cohen is a proud son of our nation’s heartland. MIDLANDS PRYDE 4 LYFE.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro-Partner : Iveta Lukosiute. She’s the show’s only remaining female ballroom specialist and…I doubt his strengths are going to be in the Latin.
Julien McDonald : So Darcey’s already revealed accidentally that Julien is a stealth-ringer on The One Show during the cast reveal. Other highlights of Darcey’s appearance on The One Show include :
- “When I did the show, they said it was the best cast ever. When Alex did the show, they said it was the best cast ever then as well. Darcey, would you say this was NOW in fact the best cast ever?” “…………………………………………..yah?”
- Not knowing who either Patrick or Ben were
- Placing Susanna Reid at the bottom of her pre-series cast ranking for absolutely no reason.
- “Darcey’s Burn-O-Meter”
- “They’ve all get really good personalities…………”
- Saying that Tony Jacklin is incredibly popular with the public
- Not even bothering to talk about Abbey Clancy because she can’t be arsed with her.
- Saying that after her experience as a Bond Girl, Fiona Fullerton should be used to “…bringing out…what’s needed…at the last minute”.
Anyway, yes, we were talking about Julien, not the marvel that is Darcey Bussell. Regular watchers of It Takes Two will be really excited to see Julien get the promotion from pundit to participant. Mostly because it means he won’t be on the show every week screaming about RUFFLES AND GODET AND TOOOOOL ILLUSIONS. Regular watchers of Project Catwalk (both of us) will be really excited to see Julien get so stressed that he finally drops the “wacky Uncle Julien” schtick he’s been working for the last three years, and reverts to the sour-faced bitchy joyless little gremlin we all knew and…knew.
Monkseal’s Pro-Partner Suggestion: Ola Jordan. She could do with a demi-ringer and also some decent outfits after the crap she was repeatedly made to wear last series.
Mark Benton : It’s a good job that Lisa Riley shattered our stereotypes forever about how we view obese people, specifically with regards to the world of DAHHHHHHNCE (/gurning and doing jazz hands), so we can all go into this year’s series with an open mind about how drama school trained Mark Benton, headmaster of Britannia High, star of Hairspray (on tour), and that one from Waterloo Road who they thought might be a paedo but it turned out that he wasn’t a paedo he just loved kids THAT MUCH, IN A NON SEXUAL WAY might fare as a dancer. The fact that every promo video of him so far features him pulling a funny face or twanging his braces or JUSS BEING JOLLY definitely gets me very excited. As does the fact that I’m going to have to google what his surname is pretty much every time I want to write it. THIS YEAR’S MALE CAST LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Monkseal’s Pro-Partner Suggestion : Kristina Rihanoff, continuing her series of hilariously mis-matched physical relationships with her partners a-pace.
Ashley Taylor-Dawson : Poor Ashley Taylor-Dawson. The nation’s hopes of a flexible young hunk rest pretty much entirely on his shoulders don’t they? I have to admit, after their cast members copped the worst of the flack for Series 7’s failure in the ratings, I’m surprised the producers dipped back into the Hollyoaks well, but I guess it is a reliable source of hunkage/boobage. Far more interesting for me than his role as Darren Osbourne (one of those characters who last so long in a soap they become a protagonist by default, despite having spent the last 10 years of their stay acting like a complete tit) is his history as a member of top 2000 pop group “AllSTARS”. For those interested, I’ve cut right to the most embarrassing moment for him personally right here. AllSTARS were so called because the initials of their members (Sandi, Thaila, Ashley, Rebecca, Sam) combined to form the word “STARS”. This was a common theme in Millennial pop bands. For example the initials of the members of Blue spell out “LADS”, the initials of the members of Steps spell out “CTHULU” and the initials of all members of the Sugababes together spell out “ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISMKEISHASIOBHAN”. Except Rebecca (*shudder*) always seemed liked the sort of girl who’d make you call her Becky or (*shudder*) “Becs”, so really they should have been called “allSTABS”. And that’s my stand-up comedy routine about the 00s pop group allSTARS, thank you very much, good night. Anywho, given that Ashley Taylor-Dawson is clearly struggling to fill a whole minute of BBC Strictly website interview with things to say, I don’t hold out hope that he’s going to be MASSIVELY more exciting than either Ricky Nipple or Ali Botstian were but…I live in hope eternally, no matter how slim.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro-Partner : Janette Manrara, because I sense he needs the crazy dragging out of him.
Dave Myers : Dave is a “Hairy Biker” which…I would have thought being hirsute and grimy was an odd angle to hang a cooking show around in his days of health & safety but here we are. I’ve never watched it myself, but they do have a nice sausage casserole recipe. Apparently Dave is here because Paul Hollywood couldn’t be arsed/asked for too much money/no longer fits the squeaky clean image that a show presented by Bruce Forsythe (three wives, including one messy transition), Zoe Ball (had AFFAIRS and things, the DIRTY BESOM) and Vernon “Sext-Pest” Kaye’s wife projects. What bodes well for his prospects is that he will remind 75% of the POWER-VOTING MIDDLE AGED MAFIA that watch this show of their husbands, and also he has a history in doing make-up effects for horror films, which should serve him well in Hallowe’en Week, and also in getting in well with Claudia “My Smokey Eye Has A Smokey Eye” Winkleman. What might count against him is…maybe everything else? Apart from his twinkly personality obviously. DAD-DANCING AHOY!
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro-Partner : Aliona Vilani. Let’s see her try and turn THIS into a sparkly vampire.