THE SPREADHSEET SHREDDING FINALE!
We open with our four finalists staring the glitterball down
and Tess very solemnly saying that tonight the strictly journeys of one of these contestants will end in glory, and for the other three SHAME AND DISGRACE AND KNOWING THAT REALLY DEEP DOWN, YOU DID NO BETTER THAN MATT DAWSON. Matt. Dawson. Personally I don’t think that there should be FOUR couples standing there at this point, but there we are. I don’t write this show.
seriously, this is going beyond Camilla. She looks like she’s just been activated in another pointless remake of The Manchurian Candidate. “MUST. ASSASSINATE. BRUCIE!”
After a truncated credits (without a proper HO, which just feels wrong) we’re back with our hosts.
Without a hint of a Velociraptor Dance or a kneegrab. Tess is still dressed like she’s LARPing as the Goblin Queen though, which is the main thing. Bruce welcomes all the “ladies, gentlemen and children” back to the Strictly Come Dancing 2012 Final. I think he’s talking about the contestants. Hilariously, he and Tess then announce our four finalists, one by one, with a big gap after all of them for applause. Where instead, there is silence. Well, more accurately, Denise gets silence, somebody laughs at Tracy, one person whoops Kimberley and three people clap Louis mildly. It’s like the show briefly slid into an alternative universe where the floor managers don’t get everyone jazzed up on Jelly Tots before we go live on air.
Tess thanks us all for voting for our finalists. I voted for Louis, once. Compared to the vote-orgy I splurged on getting Chelsee past Jason it was a minor blip in my resolve. But sadly, for one couple, our votes alone are not enough, as they’re about to leave. Bruce lows sadly that he doesn’t want to see anybody leave. Well I do, so GET A BLOODY MOVE ON. Let’s get Vincent out of that wig and into a nit comb. Bruce tells us all that the loser will be joining the ranks of the fallen, all of whom are here tonight :
Sid Owen, in his bowling shirt, front and centre there. Truly he is the one we all will remember from this series. Apparently they will all be performing a group dance later on. Well that’s what Bruce says. It never actually happens.
Tess closes our menu this evening by saying that Robbie Williams will be here to perform. Jesus, nobody introduce him to Victoria. The conglomeration of neediness would punch a hole in the fabric of time and space that not even an army of crying white heterosexual family units could stitch back together with their festive John Lewis love. (THANKS DR WHO! YOU BIG OLD PILE OF SHIT!)
But first, before we actually let anything happen, it’s time for a recap of the show that just finished 60 minutes ago. In it, I learnt :
IT’S THE FINAL!
IT’S THE FINAL!
IT’S THE FINAL!
Louis isn’t really one for yelling “IT’S THE FINAL!” right down the camera, but thanks anyway; Len believes that this was WITHOUT DOUBT THE BEST FINAL EVER untilnextyear ; recaps suck.
Time now it is to reveal that Tracy & Vincent finished 4th.
Look, there they go. I think that their odds had plunged so far by this point that they’d transcended numbers. She was at, like, %-1. This incidentally makes this the first Strictly final EVER where people weren’t just eliminated in order of the number of Bottom 2s they’d previously been in. Which I guess would have made it unpredictable if Tracy hadn’t…made it predictable via her first half performances. Denise unleashes a
FACE OF CONCERN right at Tracy, probably because she saw the absolute TORRENTS of weeping, wailing, cuddling and frankly nigh-on on-camera beejs that Vincent and Tracy unleashed all over one another on the pre-final It Takes Two where they talked about their special dance connection. Happily it seems that Tracy isn’t that bothered. Neither is
Flavia, who looks more like she’s wondering if she can sneak up behind Kimberley and break her neck whilst everyone’s focused on Tracy’s Tribute to Vincent and how he taught her to dance and stuff.
CALM YOURSELF FLAVIA. YOUR TIME WILL COME. Also
Pasha’s on to you. You don’t grow up in Russia (around Kristina) without being prepared for someone trying to take you from behind. Luckily for m[JOKE REDACTED].
Tracy tells us all that she’s loved every part of Strictly, particularly meeting Vincent, and then they bawwwww at one another sympathetically some more.
Look at Vincent’s hair there. Then look at Pasha. One of them is a WIG designed to make the person wearing it look ludicrous. Think on. Vincent smiles sweetly at Tracy and tells her that truly now she is a little dancer, and we segue into her best bits. It contains three uses of the word “little” and two of the word “munchkin”. Which is more restrained than I was expecting.
Truly you were the contestant who got to the end, and then everyone thought “oh, wait, we’re voting to WIN now? Oh…ok.”. There’s always one. And they’re always called a Dark Horse.
Denise van Outen & James Jordan dancing the charleston
Bruce tells us all that we are about to enter the Contestants Favourite stage of the competition. He declares this stage to be the “ULTIMATE BATTLE OF THE BALLROOM!”. It contains two Charlestons Bruce, no it isn’t.
Time for our final VTs now, which are of the contestants recounting THIS show’s version of the Strictly Story, which doesn’t involve gay dwarf robots or whatever. What this means, in practical terms, is a WHOLE LOT OF HOPPIPOLA. Denise is up first.
She tells us that she’s spent so many years now watching Strictly feeling envious. Week after week she sat at home, looking at the people on her television screen, thinking “I could do that! Why shouldn’t I do that? I really think that, if I worked hard enough, I could reach the level of those people!” But it was only this year that she worked up the courage to fill out the application form and have a go at taking part in Strictly in her DREAM ROLE. Sadly, it turns out that Darcey WAS available after all, so she had to be a contestant instead.
Denise says that it’s so surreal being here now. She and James haven’t had the smoothest of rides (James forgot the routine, she caught her heel in her dress, James forgot the routine, things went wrong in rehearsal, James forgot the routine, she was in two dance-offs, James forgot the routine, she couldn’t really Do Latin, James forgot the routine, she pulled really stupid gurning faces in training until people told her to stop, James forgot the routine) but every time something went wrong, she sighed “I knew it! I knew it all along!” and just chalked these things up to being part of the “Joy Of Strictly”. This show certainly keeps you on your toes! (She says after having spent her entire showdance somewhere around the mesosphere).
Having recounted all her worst bits, Denise then says that THERE’S BEEN SOME LOWS THOUGH
and starts crying. Do you think maybe this constant negativity might…nah. Anyway, she pays tribute to how James has always been there to pick her back up again, and she doesn’t just mean by THROWING HER INTO A LIFT! Isn’t that how he got rid of Georgina Whatsername in the end? Like Dr Drake Ramoray on Days Of Our Lives. Then we cut to James
crying as well, although I don’t know if this is for Denise or if it’s just because this was filmed immediately after Ola maced him for saying that his rumba was the best dance he’d ever done on Strictly. To be fair, I think it’s fairly obvious that Denise & James have the tightest bond of any pairing of finalists, and it kind of feels like they were DESTINED to be together. Possibly like Leopold & Loeb were, but there we are. He closes by telling us that Denise has chosen their Favourite Dance, and she has chosen Charleston, and Denise says that last time they performed this dance, they only got a 9 from Craig, so she hopes she can close out this series by getting her first 10 from Craig, and on a high.
Well you already did Denise, but ok. BYE BYE TRAINING ROOM!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
It really isn’t the same without 8 burly men carrying her on is it? Actually Shem was never that burly but…he was SHEM, CAHM AHN! Anyway, what else is there to say about Denise’s Charleston, since it broke the Wembley floodgates and subjected us to a non-stop torrent of overmarked, gurning, sloppy, not-even-a-dance-really-lets-be-honest Charlestons every single bloody week?
It’s still the best one.
I can only continue to object to The Puppini Sisters though, on the grounds of morality alone, if nothing else. It gets a Standing Ovation and, from the Tessanine,
Donald Trump looks on approvingly. YOOGE! Meanwhile the cameramen are so bored that we finally get to see the scrag-end of the Celebrity Front Row.
It’s Vernon and Jeremy Bowen. Who thought it could GET scraggier than Emma Kennedy? As they get over to the judges, Bruce thanks them for putting in all the “Wilson, Kepple & Betty” stuff for the old people. Who would have thought I could get even more bored of hearing “Wilson, Kepple & Betty” than I ever did of hearing “FRED AND GINNNNNNNNNNNGE”? He then makes sure to tell us at home very firmly that tonight the judges scores count for nothing, and it’s public vote alone that will decide our winner.
Which I’m sure is a great comfort to Denise.
Len opens for the judges by saying that a dance routine lasts but for 90 seconds (yes, all of them) but Denise’ Charleston will live forever in the memories of everyone watching. In the audience
Louisa Lytton pulls Epic Stank Face. They said that about her jive Denise! THEY LIED! Bruno is next.
Thanks Bruno. Craig follows up, saying that he stands by what he said last time – that was the BEST STRICTLY CHARLESTON EVER! Fortunately for the sake of logic, he doesn’t stand by what he scored last time. Darcey closes with
sparkly squirrel gonads hanging from her ears, saying that was certainly a memorable Charleston and it had really great attention-to-detail. I don’t think Darcey quite GETS Strictly finals yet. You’re supposed to act like everyone’s dancing cured cancer dear, keep up. She then calls Denise a “true professional” one last time, just to drive that particular stake home.
Up to the Tessanine they donut, where Tess says that they all really enjoyed that dance (and also Shem) last time, so what was it like dancing it again Denise? WHAT WAS IT LIKE? Denise says it was fun but
she’s a bit sad that that was her last dance with James. You know, until the interminable tour. In the background, Victoria ponders what her mental state would have been like if her last dance with Brenda had been tonight, rather than over a month ago. I doubt “pouting” would have covered it. James thanks everyone for voting for them so that they could do that dance again, clearly thinking that they’ve done well to make third. Tess then decides to tell them they have a “one in three chance of winning”
No Holly. She’s being serious. I know. Denise is all “I’ve had a brilliant time on Strictly, what an amazing experience, everyone’s deserving, I’m pretty much fine where I am thanks”. Of course JAMES isn’t happy with this and starts yelling about how Ola has a trophy at home and she makes him polish it and worship it and occasionally she takes it to bed with her and he has to sleep on the sofa. So erm…please? Denise does one last “PICK UP VAH PHONE!” hand gesture, just for him. How sweet. Scores are in
40. Of course Chris Hollins’ got 50 so…nice try. And
I don’t think James is quite as willing a target of Natalie’s game of Homosexual Bum-Grope Pranks as Vincent was. Possibly. Just a guess. Poor Sid.
Kimberley Walsh & Pasha Kovalev dancing the tango
Straight into Kimberley’s Strictly Story now and
I am reminded that, of all the female contestants, she was probably the most flatteringly dressed this series.
Kimberley says that she never envisioned being bitten by the Strictly bug in quite the way that she has. And now she’s infertile. BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT. Pasha for his part says that as soon as he met Kimberley he knew that she could do great dances but
“my little job was here just to make her believe in herself as much as I believe in her”. Fuck’s sake Pasha can we not? Following Dirty Dancing + Shirtless Showdance I was quite enjoying being the only person watching this final still in charge of their ovaries thank you very much.
That’s better. It’s Len yelling at Kimberley that she’s not meeting his expectations of her. I hate that, in a grody way, this entire rant ended up being kind of justified. Ick. I need to shower. Kimberley says that she took Len’s rant as inspiration to make her next ballroom dance EVEN BETTER. We then cut to her Viennese Waltz which…wasn’t her next ballroom dance, and was the dance that put her in the Bottom Two, but let’s face it, unless you’re a Pasha fantard you don’t remember anything Kimberley did for the first 6 weeks of this series, so it’s no surprise the editors can’t remember either.
Kimberley then says that when she was in the Bottom 2, she thought her days were numbered, and so did we all, really, but then it turned out that actually nobody was really voting for Michael Vaughan after all and Denise actually started sucking at dances and blowing her PR to bits one dance at a time, and all this lasted long enough for her to have a PERFORMANCE BREAKTHROUGH and turn into Perfect Kimberley.
Kimberley closes by saying that Pasha is her FRIEND 4 LYFE and has been her rock throughout and all that.
What a pair. Pasha says that he thinks he and Kimberley have been the perfect couple and she never allowed things to get too serious in the training room. Of course it would be nice for him to win, but really he’s thinking about how much he would love Kimberley to be able to hold that trophy.
Right, that’s it, excuse me, I need to go and take another shower. For erm…different reasons this time. Ahem.
Kimberley closes by saying that she’d love to be able to take the glitterball home with her, to cap off this truly special experience. Oh, Kimberley. I don’t think they let you take it home love. Bruce doesn’t like it. Also, let’s be honest, it’s safer this way, because this way you won’t have Flavia at your window at 3am with a crowbar and a half-brick.
BYE BYE TRAINING ROOM!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
I think this dance has probably my favourite opening of any this year? It does of course face stiff competition from that other amazing opening, Fern’s salsa (not like that). I think it’s the spiky 80s drama
lunge at Len that really does it for me. Now THERE’S acting. Also…you know, it’s PRINCE.
The rest of Kimberley’s tango is even more sharp, dramatic, electric and most of all
pouty than last time, and OF course it’s a triumph. Really I’m just glad that, after last year, which was ABYSMAL, this has been quite a good year for my favourite of all the ballroom dances. (That being the tango, just so we’re clear). I mean, aside from Sid and maybe Lisa, I think everyone acquitted themselves as well as they could in it, and didn’t, say WALK AROUND THE FLOOR PLAYING PRETEND VAMPIRES AND NOT DANCING, ALIONA. Anyway, here’s a face of Kimberley’s where she doesn’t look like someone who walked into a plastic surgeon’s with Leslie Ash as a role model.
WORK IT GIRL!
It gets a…well, you know, and Bruce has now officially evolved from yelling “LOOK!” at people to yelling “THANK THEM! THANK THEM!”. Bloody hell Bruce, if you wanted to direct the show you should have applied for Evil Moira Ross’ job, with the rest of the helldemons.
Bruno starts for the judges.
Thanks Bruno. Craig follows, by saying that that was 10 times better than the last time they performed that dance. Wow. An 80 paddle. I’m overwhelmed. As is
Pasha by the looks of it. Wow. Three showers in one day. I will be clean. Hem. Craig tells Kimberley that she just CAME AHT and annihilated the dancefloor. Well I hope the cleaners are on hand. Louis has still got to dance. I’m sure it could make all the difference to his chances of winning and losing. Darcey follows, and grins that she so loves Kimberley when she’s being moody. She then says “you could win medals with that pout babe”.
Darcey just called someone “babe”, my final is complete. I don’t even know what Len says because I’m so overcome with laughter. Something about wishing she’d shook her tits in his face more probably.
Up to the Tessanine they cry where
even Tess is looking bored with the hugs at this point, and she has to put up with one from Bruce every week. Complete with…inappropriate poking. Tess points out to Kimberley that this was her last dance with Pasha and she has a slight…malfunction. She sounds a bit like Bruce trying to read an autocue. Then again…wouldn’t we all have such a malfunction? Tess gets her to get her
tango face out again, and then Kimberley erps that she thinks that she got a bit carried away with it that time.
Yes, yes you did. But never mind. Tess then moves on finally to dangling the prospect of winning in front of her face, and Kimberley pulls the usual “WE ALL DESERVE IT!” rumba whilst Denise nods solemnly in the background. “Yes, yes I do deserve it Kimberley, well said”. Scores are in
40. Leaving only rumba and samba as dances that have yet to receive “the perfect score”.
Louis Smith & Flavia Cacace dancing the Charleston
I swear, at this point, the actual Lotus Eaters would look at the blissed-out “I’M GONNA WIN!” look on Flavia’s face and get a bit freaked out by it.
Louis’ Strictly Story now, and Louis says that coming off the Olympics, where he did so well, it would have been easy to have a dip in energy but Strictly has been just as much high pressure and hard work and had just as much “fun aspect” (mmm “fun aspect”) as any Olympics Final. How much do you think they paid him to say that? In cash money? Louis tells us that Strictly has been a real challenge for him, and he never expected to be here dancing in the final. You’re the only one Louis. He goes on to say that if you want to reach the latter stages of Strictly, you can’t do it half-heartedly (*cough*HOLLYVALANCE*cough*), and he really credits Flavia for making all the hard work fun. Speaking of which
here she is now.
She tells us that Louis has a “poster boy” image, which Flavia did everything to encourage, making him get his kit off or semi-off at every opportunity, booking lots of naked photoshoots for him, and choreographing most of the dances to revolve around his ever gyrating arse. Oh no, wait, she says she’s tried to show everyone the “sweet cheeky lovable character” underneath. With its nips out. What a character. Louis carries on, to say that before he met Flavia, the only dance-move he could do was the moonwalk (wow, those must have been some BORING street-dance face offs he had with Midget JLS) and now he’s getting 10s for the Foxtrot. Truly he has become a LADY! DOING IT FOR HIS NAN…oh wait, wrong journey storyline. Never mind.
Flavia then has a bit of a grizzle about the level of expectation the teache…judges put on her Louis, but she’s so proud of him for coming through and showing what a great dancer he can be and he’s even started putting all his clothes in the washing-up basket without her having to ask him. Such a journey! Louis then…kind of tips the wink that his favourite dance was the tango, but because of the big production and make-up they can’t do it again, ho hum. He says it was his favourite because it’s Flavia’s favourite dance and he loved that it came on so well, and it was a real breakthrough for them in the scores. Ah yes, Louis first, less scripted breakthrough. Instead he’s having to make do with the Charleston. His other breakthrough. Louis says that this was when he had his epiphany about the need to become a performer if he wanted to win. Which he…sort of did? A bit? Maybe? Sometimes? Anyway
BYE BYE SON, ENJOY YOUR FIRST DAY AT COLLEG…I MEAN BYE BYE TRAINING ROOM.
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Oooh, yay, yet more Charleston. SIGN ME UP! I’VE NOT HAD ENOUGH YET! Anyway, it’s still a very muscular, flexible Charleston, and the faces still aren’t doing much for me, but thank goodness for Flavia, pulling my jaded Charleston-hating soul over the Finish Line of this series by throwing in a
pointless backwards somersault over her own head just to round the series off, competetive dancing wise. As an ending it certainly sums up a…lot. I’d say.
Yadda yadda Standing Ovation yadda. Bruce tells Louis that Flavia kissing him on the cheek at the end of the dance was a sign that he’d “done it right”. From what I’ve heard, Flavia’s signs that you’re doing it right usually run to biting, gouging and screaming the darkest obscenities, but that will learn me to listen to rumours.
Craig starts for the judges, wringing his hands and saying it’s going to be SO DIFFICULT for everyone at home to decide who to vote for. Yes…I can envision the internal struggle now. Maybe it’s just that I watch the show with twitter on, where everyone decides who they want to win Week 1 based on which pro they’re with (YES YOU DO, DON’T LIE), but the idea of internal conflict at this stage amuses me greatly. Anyway, Craig loved the aerial cartwheel, and that Louis clearly has put a lot of work into improving the routine since he performed it last.
Darcey’s next, and she says that she didn’t think Louis could add any more to that dance! Never underestimate this show’s capacity for random backflips Darcey. Ever. She says she loved the sommersault, particularly Flavia’s face during it. I would chastise her for not watching the celebrity, but I was totally looking at Flavia’s face as well. It looked DELIRIOUS. Darcey congratulates Louis on his Performance Journey and all that shit.
Len follows by saying that sometimes this series he’s felt like a teacher telling off a naughty schoolboy
then getting a phonecall from his mother yelling at him to LEAVE HER BOY ALONE, HE’S GOT THEM ADHDs. At 2am. From inside the house. He then tells Louis that he never doubted Louis’ ability to dance and to perform. Oh sure, he says this NOW at Zero Hour. He tells Louis that that right there was a Gold Medal Winning performance. Louis smiles, half rolls his eyes, and says that he’s been WAITING for that sort of comment all series. Yes, because your Olympic Glory just hasn’t been mentioned ENOUGH Louis. Bruno finishes
Up in the Tessanine, Tess reminds us all that Louis has never danced, performed, acted, touched a woman or EVEN MOVED before he appeared on this show, and now LOOK AT HIM. Louis and Flavia then
stare at one another, telling one another that they’re amazing, for the rest of time. Tess asks which of them wants to win more (WHO DO YOU THINK TESS?) and Louis says that he thinks it’s gone beyond winning now.
And by “it” he means Flavmilla here. He says that they all deserve it, they’ve all had fun, and that if they want to invite him back to compete next year, then he’d be back in a snap. Jeez, how many series do you want to win Louis? Give someone else a go. Scores are in
39. DARCEY CANNOT BELIEVE IT! Everyone boos the HORRIFIC TERRIBLE 9 from Craig, including Tracy lustily, along with half of the rest of the Tessanine…
except Jerry who is just sneaking back in from having a fag.
Let’s have a look at our final leaderboard.
Deflating Sidebar : Someone said on Digital Spy (I know, I know, but bear with me) that one of the reasons this final fell a bit flat for them, and I would possibly agree, is that all the finalists had reached the end before, with partners they’d enjoyed them with more. Vincent with the Rachbot, James with Dr Hammie, Pasha with Chelsee, and Flavia with Matt The Brat Di Angelo. So I thought I’d do a poll. In each case, tick the pairing you preferred.
Are we back? Here’s Nicky, James and Vincent all having a homoerotic cuddle :
Oh and a montage of all the dances performed tonight so far.
[*fastest of all fast forwards*]
Once we return, Tess reminds us all that shortly we will see all our eliminated celebrities perform (/stand at the back awkwardly shuffling) one last time, but before that, let’s get them to say how amazing their Strictly Experience was, in the form of a series of Talking Heads! We’ll send it out to any waverers before next series to persuade them that it’s definitely worth it!
Johnny Ball is up first, telling us that Strictly taught him that you’re never too old.
Oh Johnny. You were too old. Bet Lynche is next
saying she loved every minute of the show and thought the dancing was fantastic fun. Speaking of actual single solitary minutes. If you include the Launch Show Group Number. And all the time she walked, given that apparently counts as dancing for Jerry. Sid Owen follows up by saying that the First Two Weeks (so pointed) of his time on the show were just incredible. Iveta can fuck off though. Colin says that he experienced things on Strictly that you could never experience anywhere else
not unless Kristina got REALLY drunk. Fern tells us that really it’s like walking into a snowdome.
I think she’s talking about Bruno’s Dressing Room. Richard credits Strictly with turning him straight, then gay, then straight then, judging from his scarf
finally back to gay again. TAKE THAT MORMONS! Victoria tells us that Brenda is an immature dickhead and she hated every second of it. (Not really) (But really). Michael says that if he could describe Strictly in one word, it would be “fab-yew-lass”, particularly the bit where he held Natalie above his head in front of 6000 people at Wembley. He doesn’t mention any of the Latiny bits. Nicky says that doing Strictly is one of the highlights of his career so far
and now everyone knows he has an absolutely enormous penis. Which is nice because it’s always a bit embarrassing having to actually write that down on your CV. Lisa closes by saying that Strictly has taught her that
she’s a greater dancer than Cyd Charisse, a greater performer than Cher, and more loved by the public than even Pudsey The Dancing Dog. It’s great for your ego this! Also she met Robin, which was nice, because he had some Scissor Sister cds she wanted to borrow.
THEY’RE ALL HERE NOW! Colin is actually stood on the dancefloor there FUN FACT. Tess reminds Lisa that she enjoyed her time on Strictly more than anybody else has ever FACT and asks her what it’s like to be sat here watching the final. Lisa says it was amazing, because everyone’s so amazing, and she didn’t even have to do anything. She’s just so proud of everybody! Really it is all for her. Tess then turns to Richard just because
there’s one pre-rehearsed joke he didn’t quite manage to squeeze in whilst he was still with us. JERRY WON’T STOP CALLING HIM TESS! HILARIOUS!
Speaking of Jerry, Tess asks her if she misses having fun dancing with Anton. Jerry replies
“who?”. Not really! She says she certainly will miss her Prince Charming, and she has kept up her dancing since she was eliminated. HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh Jerry, you saved the funniest one-liner for last. Finally, we turn to Michael & Nicky, as Tess announces that she saw them having sex earlier.
Well that’s an awkward note to close on. (That’s what “bromance” means right? I’m just learning these terms.) No wonder Michael’s sitting down. Tess closes by asking everyone who they think’s going to win, and every single person yells “LOUIS!” in unison.
CLOSEST FINAL EVER!
(Apart from Richard, who yells “JOHNNY!”. OH THE COMEDY IT NEVER ENDS)
Next up, it’s a musical interlude. Well…an interlude anyway, as it’s Robbie Williams, with his new single
“Ooooh I am Awful, But You Like Me”. Apparently he’s popular again, in that “Candy” got to number 1 via being a jaunty piece of vaguely joyful nonsense, so of COURSE here comes introspective Robbie slamming in behind it like a mousetrap on your dick. NO ROBBIE. We invited you for a party, not to hear about how the vicissitude of fame has left you hollow and your cat’s just died and I dunno, aliens or something. NO! OUT! YES YES, SOMETHING ESSENTIAL INSIDE YOU IS DEAD, VERY EXCITING, OUT!
Honestly he’s worse than Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Somewhere round the back, before the show started, Aliona & Artem turned to one another, shrugged, and said
“rumba?”. They don’t look terribly convinced though.
That done, there’s still 5 minutes left to fill before voting ends, and they’re TRULY flailing for content now, so let’s have another VT of the “public’s” “opinions” of what they liked about this year’s show.
For these girls
Strictly Come Dancing was all about the Strictly Shimmy. Because the producers made them £20 each to say it on camera, because literally nobody else who’s not identifiable immediately as a BBC staff member is going to. They were watchnig X Factor instead man. RYLAND WAS ROBBED!!!
thinks it’s been great having pop stars, sports stars AND soap stars on the show this year. Yes what a new and exciting variety of contestants that was. I guess it was better than that one series where all 16 contestants were from Hollyoaks.
most enjoyed making fun of how Darcey said “yah” that one show. Jesus, I’m repetitive and unforgiving and even I’ve moved on. Someone else then says that Darcey “can get away with it because she’s so beautiful” and then I vomit up my face.
has really enjoyed having Olympians like Louis and Victoria on the show. He might want to consider asking the production team NOT to light him like the reason he liked it is because he likes to sit watching the show dressed as Victoria, muttering about how one day they will be married.
really liked having Louis on the show because he’s got a fit body, because ginge here doesn’t normally let her look at porn during office hours, so she has to get her jollies where she may. She then starts talking about how she’d do all the male professionals as well, and you can just FEEL the cameraman backing away.
This young lady
thinks we all need to recognise the genius of Lisa Riley doing the splits and then the soundtrack ACTUALLY STARTS PLAYING “Big Girls (I’d Do You)” by Mika and OH MY GOD NO THIS HAS TO STOP.
This young man
from exactly the same university dance team PUSH THAT BUDGET ALL THE OUT BBC, says that he liked the Hallowe’en Thriller Dance, whilst nervously pulling at his sleeves, like he ACTUALLY LIKED IT, and isn’t just saying it to because someone’s told him to. He’s my favourite.
meanwhile liked RICKY, she means SID OWEN, no she means erm…
A young Miriam Margolyes
really enjoyed Michael Vaughan’s jive. That woman just keeps on getting better and better doesn’t she?
Some people like the judges, some people like the finalists, some people EVEN LIKE DENISE, let’s move on I’m bored with the public now.
Thank GOD for that.
Now it’s time for the Returning Couples to dance. In past years this has brought such highlights as THIS
Lisa Snowdon slopping around drunk (I know it wasn’t TECHNICALLY part of this EXACT bit, but it was just as amazing) and best of all when Martina came back and was SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT and I told everyone that I knew all the time that she had absolutely no potential whatsoever and you all ignored me but I KNEW I WAS RIGHT! I KNEW ALL ALONG!
Anyway this year, unfortunately, we are low on highlights
because the celebrities and playing the role of DJs and guests at some party that Jerry’s throwing, where the pro dancers are
the waiters and waitresses, doing a jive to “River Deep, Mountain High”, led by Natalie. Let’s face it, we’d all go to that party. Eventually the celebrities get involved but really there’s not much going on. Edited highlights are :
Richard not having a clue what’s going on at any time
Johnny not really knowing who Aliona is
Kristina doing a death drop off Colin’s arm, looking a bit like someone bungee-jumping of the CN Tower as a result
that lift again
Craig’s awful overdancing as per usual
Victoria & Brenda’s impersonation of
two people on a conference weekend who got drunk and shagged on the first night and now don’t want to talk about it and instead would just quite like to get on with the conference please.
Fern & Artem’s impersonation of two people on a conference weekend who got drunk and she propositioned him on the first night and he turned her down and now don’t want to talk about it and instead would just quite like to get on with the conference please.
And that’s your Group Dance 2012. Lame.
Just before the results are revealed, it’s time for a quick plug for the Christmas Special
which I sadly won’t be recapping in full this year because…well because I can’t be bothered, to be honest. Here’s a MINI RECAP to tide you over from memory.
MEWWY CWISSMASS JLS & Ola Jordan dancing the jive: I don’t think I remember one thing about this dance other than him being a toy soldier, and it existing solely for the purpose of rubbing James Jordan’s nose in the fact that he’s about to lose this final right now.
Bobby Ball & Katya Virshilas dancing the American Smooth : I can’t believe they brought her back for this, and I can’t believe she actually clearly put effort into trying to get him to dance. I get the impression they hated one another by the end of training, and I ALWAYS love Katya’s “I’m a sexy goddess and you’re a fugly troll who wants to get with me but…GROSE!” choreography, so I was entertained.
Truthy Sheila Hancock & Ian Waite dancing the foxtrot : Clearly should have won (duh) but my favourite element of it was the fact that it was so CLEARLY Ian choreographing as if to say “look! I’ll do dumb pseudy artsy bullshit routines! Look! She’s the Ice Queen and I’m the memory of her Mr Havisham! LOOK!” and throwing in lifts for no reason and YELLING CONSTANTLY about how he was putting in lifts for no reason, and still everyone’s response is “aww, isn’t Ian so classy, let’s bring him back to teach these nasty Eastern European gangster thug pros some manners!”.
Farbrice Muamba & Aliona Vilani dancing the salsa: I can’t believe they ACTUALLY tried to do a salsa to “Christmas Wrapping”! From a personality standpoint I think Fabrice was my second favourite participant just for that look of “can I stop now?” he did during the opening group number. I think he was possibly undermarked just so he didn’t just win for having a heart attack, but all I really remember of the judging is them all yelling “NATURAL RHYTHM!” over and over again.
Katy Brand & Anton dancing the Viennese Waltz: I quite liked her, but I certainly don’t trust any comedian NOT to become a bubbling cesspit of insecurity the second they hit a reality show. I like that she basically approached the show like a student who’d won a competition, and that Anton interacted with another human being on a non-sarcastic level for the first time…possibly ever? Such a Christmas Miracle.
Helen Skelton & Artem Chigvintsev dancing the jive: OK these two have to do a series together because she was SO CRAP and SO LOUD and SO ENTHUASISTIC that I think he might actually murder her at some over a three month period together. Metaphorically speaking. He looked on the verge throughout even on a Christmas Special. She really was SO BAD though.
The Strictly All-Stars! (plus Kerplunk): No really, I love that a nation, in unison, went “THAT WON?!”. Like even with the comparison of Hobbity Hollins doing that one bit of his Charleston again, she stood out. Other than that, Tom Chambers is still supremely annoying and quite good at dancing, Colin still clearly hasn’t forgiven Erin for Dummy Dance, Brendan & Kelly are still the greatest SUPERVILLAIN TEAM ever to grace Strictly’s Floor and I’m sorry I ever thought Victoria Pendleton could replace her, and I don’t want to have to the one to tell Rachbot that All-Stars : The Series probably isn’t happening, because she transparently needs wants and hopes for it SO BADLY. I would say something about Chelsee but she just left so… Oh also, Darcey elbowed Kelly in the face, and it was amazing.
Rod Stewart : No
And that was a mini-recap of the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special 2012.
Are you ready to crown your winner yet?
Because I am.
IT’S LOUIS & FLAVIA! She of course continues in the fine female pro tradition of losing her mind, just muttering “ohmygodohmygodohmygod I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!” over and over again whilst Louis comforts her, grinning. There’s just a really sweet look on his face that he realises that no, really, Flavia, after 7 years, actually really wanted to win, which is quite endearing. Of course the rest of us could have told him that about a month ago when he blazed up It Takes Two in a RIGHTEOUS FURY because nobody informed her of the script moving forwards. Fortunately Bruce interrupts this moment by stage-managing everyone to buggery yelling “PASHA! OVER THE OTHER SIDE! YOU CAN KISS LATER!” over everyone’s final moments. Such a pro.
Amongst the losers, it’s Kimberley & Pasha spoken to first which…I’m personally going to take as a sign they finished second, but you can do what you want with it.
Anyway Kimberley says that she’s loved every minute of the competition, and that she’s so happy for Louis. Denise for her part, over the other side, says she’ll miss James so much much he makes her laugh and she thinks he’s amazing. James just
stares over her shoulder at the glitterball cries. Except probably not really. But it kind of looks like it.
Now it’s time for our winner’s interview
and also Louis. Flavia says that she can’t quite believe she’s won, and then Louis actually calls her a “Teacher Goddess”. (SO GAY). He goes on to say that she’s so patient, and the nicest person he’s ever met. Bruce mutters that she’d have to be, because she had Jimmy Tarbuck. Actually Bruce I think you’ll find that Jimmy was one of the few partners who she didn’t f…oh, not like that. Flavia thanks Louis for displaying his talent with her, and then Bruce asks Louis how winning Strictly compares to winning a silver medal at the Olympics. I so wish he’d said “well in COMPARISON it’s shit, but overall it’s not too bad”. He instead says that they’re both really different, but he’s glad that he can say he won something in 2012.
THE MOTHERFUNKY GLITTERBALL! WOO!
Then all the other couples rush on the floor to congratulate Louis, and Bruce actually yells “BACK OFF! BACK OFF! BACK OFF A MINUTE!” at all of them until they’re neatly regimented. At least when he smacked McFlea with a broom it was funny. Dear Bruce : you’re directing B-list celebrities, not jet planes. Nobody cares if Tracy Beaker gets squished (sorry Tracy).
Then they do Dat Lift again.
I swear, it would have capped the series perfectly if she’d just yelled “FLAVIA!!!” right down the cameralens.
So. Louis then. Another male winner, and another Fittie winner, which seems to be seen as a problem. I’ve seen him compared to Harry a lot, which is SO odd to me, because as dancers they’re so entirely opposite from one another. Personally I’m happy, because I think any winner we had this series would have had their upsides and downsides. I mean…I would have even lapped up a Denise win in a “WTF?” kind of way. And anyway, next year is THAT year. The series, that happens every 3 years, when a new FEMALE DANCE SUPERSTAR is born, who everyone claims is the GREATEST DANCER STRICTLY HAS EVER SEEN. Jill. Alesha. Kara. Who will it be this time? Who will they be paired with? I’ll see you September next year to find out.
See you next weekend, for the results of the Strictly Monkies, and a summing-up of the whole series that was Strictly Come Dancing 10.