We’re still at Wembley for our results show this week…well, Bruce isn’t, because he jumped in his limo the second the feathers settled from the tiller girls costumes after Michael’s American Smooth. But hey, Claudia’s not busy off being a bridesmaid at one of her best friend’s weddings or anything, so she’s still drafted in to keep things ticking over.
The show opens with a tribute to the 1950s, with lots of ice-cream parlour and bobby-sox action. Of course it’s not long before we get the authentic sound of that true 50s masterpiece – Grease. Then the judges arrive and ram into one another in bumper cars. Well…Len and Bruno do. That’d be far too much fun for Darcey, who just kind of walks through everything like a particularly anaemic Sandra Dee whilst Craig forlornly mans his kiss booth with no custom. I’m sure it’s a very accurate portrayal of what life was like in the 50s.
Nobody appears to be on backstage snooping duty this week, which means we just get the opinions of CIVILIANS and who wants to listen to those? At least most of them seem to restrain themselves from just shouting the name of whatever male celebrity it is they fancy most down the camera whilst touching themselves. Most of them. Makes a change. Also Louis does an Irish accent, Pasha gets lost backstage and it is ADORABLE, and there’s a sexy ginger floor manager. I still miss Claudia interacting with them all though. Ah well.
Len’s Lens focuses partly on stuff from the Results Show, because that’s how lean the show was this week. Also Denise’s flaps, and the slow gradual discovery that everything amazing about Michael Vaughan’s American Smooth was mostly to do with Natalie Lowe. But, you know, still an iconic Strictly moment for the ages I’m sure you’ll agree.
Celebrity guests? It’s a face-off between gay icons from different decades, as Girls Aloud face off against Kylie. Kylie probably wins, partly because she’s doing a classic single and not a new one ; partly because of the AMAZING LEGS on her male backing dancers ; and partly because Girls Aloud let Sarah Harding sing. WHEN WILL THEY LEARN?
The bottom 2? Well, after letting Kimberley sweat it out for an unseemly amount of time for drama, it appears the gynocracy has reasserted its control over Strictly, as it’s Richard and Nicky facing off for the Wembley crowd. Nicky seems to think this is a shock on par with Kimberley being in the Bottom 2 bless him. Of course he still despatches Richard handily, after one final horrifically sung trip to Erin Island. The highlight of the whole affair? Victoria squealing “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE DANCE OFF!”.