Dancing On Ice 7 – Week 6

Thank God for Love Week! I for one was getting bored of routine after routine after routine to songs about aubergines.

Matthew Wolfenden & Nina Ulanova: I feel, in their own way, every couple tonight were paying tribute tonight to a different one of the Aspects Of Love (apart from Michael Ball, who was never mentioned, not even once). Matthew & Nina were paying tribute to how love can be illogical as not a single thing about their segment made an effing lick of sense. First of all we talk about how last week was Matthew’s worst week yet…whilst showing him getting his best scores of the competition. Then this week he is told he’s back on form…despite scoring lower than he did last week. I mean, I love the Ice Panel and all, but this is what happens when you don’t have defined roles like “Evil Gay One”, “Evil Simon Cowell Who Is Definitely Not Gay One”, “The Crazy One”, “The Ones Over-Rated By Internet Gaes” and “The Other One”. The Dancing On Ice panel are just three AMZING people with different but genuine opinions and it is TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. Anyway, Matthew and Nina danced to that song Michael Buble wrote about his eternal and undying love for Emily Blunt (OOPS) and was accompanied by a great big moon on the ice. No, not that one YOU PERVERTS. It was a projection only. And then there was a tree. I don’t know why. Ask Dean.

Chemmy Alcott & Sean Rice: The Aspect Of Love that Chemmy & Sean were representing this week was alcoholic as Chemmy whirled around drunkenly to J-Lo and started dry-humping Sean’s leg to the RHYTHM whilst pulling the sort of faces she imagines ladies pull in pornographic movies. Seriously, if this had somehow been a megamix to “I’m Into You”, “Calle Ocho” and “When Love Takes Over” it would have been every night out I’ve ever had in Shepherd’s Bush, but with an Olympic skiier instead of 15 over-emotional office workers and a couple of feuding hen parties. Even Chemmy’s usual boundless enthusiasm for sprinting and gurning deserted her this week, as you could see the slightly tentative awareness that she looked like an out-of-control loon start to break across her face at the beginning. Never mind, Chemmy, Sean thought it was gosh-darnit just super fun! This statement of course just cementing my already formulating opinion of him and Jodeyne as Canada’s answer to Maude & Ned Flanders. No, really, imagine Maude Flanders meeting Chico. It’s EXACTLY THE SAME isn’t it? All this drunken debuachery (combined with a little bit of the STRICTLY SAMBA CURSE migrating across the channels) (because there was SO.MUCH.SAMBA. in the routine) was too much for the viewers, as Chemmy found herself in her first Bottom Two and erm… elbow-dropping the floor. As an end to the evening it struck the perfect drunkenly romantic capper to the whole performance. SHE’S TRIPPING OH, STUMBLING OH, TRIPPING OH, STUMBLING OH, TRIPPING CAUSE SHE’S FALLEN IN LO-O-O-O-VE! *hip-checks wheelie bin*

Andy Whyment & Vicky Ogden: The Aspect Of Love represented by Andy and Vicky was repulsion and shame. Or at least the parts involving Christopher Dean were, OH WERE THE CAMERA STILL ON HIM AS HE CARESSED THE MICROPHONE STAND EMINATING FROM HIS CROTCH LIKE IT WAS HIS OWN FOUR FOOT BONER WHILST SINGING “LET’S GET IT ON”? HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS STILL ON HIM! OH MY GOD, HOW EMBARRASSING! *doesn’t stop doing it*. My favourite Andy & Vicky moment of the week was her cracking herself up and spending 5 minutes squeaking like Sweep getting a bj because her entire existence is so ridiculous at this point. Get used to it Vicky, the ridiculous mark inflation suggests to me that this one is pulling in votes from GOD ONLY KNOWS WHERE and isn’t going anywhere yet. My interest in recapping though, remains static.

Heidi Range & Andrei Lipanov: The Aspect Of Love represented by Heidi and Andrei this week was clinginess because she continues to refuse to let go of him at any point during any routine they do ever. I did love that part at the very beginning of her VT when she said that she needed to up her game because there were no weak skaters left. YES, APART FROM YOU DEAR, BECAUSE YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SKATE. YOUR PARTNER IS PERFORMING THE ROLE NOT SO MUCH OF A SKATING PARTNER, BUT OF THE RINK RAIL. Anyway, Heidi was most excited this week because her need to “step up” coincided with her getting to skate to a ballid, more specifically, a John Lewising of “Wherever You May Go” (appropriate, but not as appropriate as “Don’t Let Go”, “Stick Wit U” or “Never Gonna Leave Your Side” by Daniel Beddingfield would have been). This way she could be extra boring and not have to do anything. And all of her favourite Sugababes songs were the BALLIDS AS WELL. Sounds about right. Anyway, Heidi had a standard-issue dose of Dancing On Ice lift-drama this week, followed by a standard-issue dose of Dancing On Ice “doing alright at the lift in the end” not-drama, followed by falling on her arse. Sadly she did not unleash the TORRENT OF SWEARY FILTH her VT suggested she might at this turn of events, just kind of…looked a bit sad and that. Oh and kudos for Gubba mentioning ehr TRAGIC BREAK-UP from Dave Berry, probably because she found him shagging Javine or something. Next Week : SKATING SKILLS TEST (*falls down laughing*)

Jennifer Ellison & Daniel Whiston: I’m kind of concerned for Jennifer. I mean, beyond the physical fact that her Aspect Of Love was self-defeating ie “repeatedly kicking herself in the back of a head with a sharp blade attached to her foot”. Because really I’m starting to think someone has it out for her, but I don’t know her. First of all, Weepy Karen’s “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!” *eyes swivvel around like Eagle-Eye Action Man* suggests to me that she somehow had something to do with it, somehow. Then there’s the very real possibility that Dean just choreographed it in because he thought it’d be funny and avant-garde. (But then surely if that was the case he would have made sure the song was “Bleeding Love” or “Aint That A Kick In The Head” or something similarly literal). Of course there’s always the likelihood that Jennifer feels slightly sidelined in the competition, profile-wise, and is making an unhinged bid for attention. Or maybe it was Daniel’s fault because…well, he’s just sinister isn’t he? Or maybe Jayne is having a lesbian fling with Jorgie Porter and is taking out all her female rivals from the sidelines? Or maybe it was the Dark Lord Sauron, given that his evil eye was glaring out onto the ice during the routine? (and now, that’s not a reference to Jennifer’s wedgie). I guess the show could do with a whodunnit to boost the ratings…

Chico & Jodeyne Higgins: Chico & Jodeyene’s Aspect Of Love that they represented this week was Stockholm Syndrome as gee-willikers (/Sean Rice) I think that Jodeyne is actually starting to not totally hate Chico THAT much if she sort of squints and blocks her ears up and pretends that he’s Lou Diamond Phillips. I guess it helps that he can skate, which is generally a bonus in this competition. This performance was fine, but the problem with it was encapsulated when Robin said that it could have been really cheesy, nauseatingly sentimental and over the top, but fortunately it wasn’t. I mean…it’s CHICO. That’s EXACTLY what it should have been. Also it was kind of overshadowed by the furore of a woman mule-kicking herself in the back of a head with a knife. Really what they should have done was get the little beepy sweepy “BLOOD ON THE ICE!!!!” machine out until everyone had calmed down sufficiently for the show to continue. I mean, it’s not as though it wasn’t already long enough as a show as it was, what would another hour have been?

Rosemary Conley & Mark Hanretty: The Aspect Of Love being represented by Rosemary was, of course Mature Love in that she’s a bit stinky and ripe and you can really see the blue veins start to form. And also she is the OLDEST PERSON EVER TO REACH THIS STAGE OF THE COMPETITION. This would of course be because she is THE OLDEST PERSON EVER TO REACH ANY STAGE OF THE COMPETITION, as Laila Morse was technically never actually present mentally, and Angela Rippon of course went out on a week that wasn’t part of the actual competition lest we forget. Anyway, this week’s Adventures In Hatemance for Rosemary and Torvill saw the latter arrange for Rosemary to be repeatedly assaulted by an entire team of ice-hockey players. This, it turned out, was enough. Bye Rosemary.

SAMANDMARK & Alexandra Schauman: SAMANDMARK was this week representing the purest of all the Aspects Of Love – WOOBIEISM!. Bless his ickle face as he skated around to Bruno Mars telling Alexandra that SHE WAS AMAZING, JUST THE WAY SHE ARE. Feel your heart melt as he did the world’s mimsiest lifts, getting Alexandra about 1/4 of an inch off the ice with a strained expression on his face. Lose control of your ovaries as he sprays a giant red love-heart in pretend graffiti on the ice. Dab tears from your eyes as he talks about no, really, it’s for the best that he was in the skate-off as it means he’ll just appreciate every moment he has left even more (*coughs up blood into a handkerchief*). Pretend you’ve got a loose eye-lash as you see the “knock-off Glee-based reality show two years after people actually would admit they liked Glee in public” that he and MARKANDSAM have been reduced to presenting. IN GLASGOW. Who could help but fall in love a little with SAMANDMARK a little, in this Love Week? Now we know how MARKANDSAM feels every day of the year!

Jorgie Proter & Matt Evers: The Aspect Of Love represented by these two this week was, of course destiny as there was absolutely nothing standing in the way of these two producing a Truly Great Routine this week. Or at least that’s what we were told repeatedly before the routine even started. And after it finished. Heck, if you look very closely at what’s being projected on the ice whilst she skates, you can just about make out the words “ZOMG YOU GUYS THIS IS AMAZING, VOTE FOR IT, SHE IS SO FOXY FRESH, YOUR FAVOURITES COULDN’T EVEN!” emblazoned in giant red flashing lights. To be fair, it was pretty good, and I can only think to thank Karen for thinking to tell Jorgie to act desperate for her performance of “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. I mean, you wouldn’t think a contestant on this show would have to be told twice to act desperate, but then we just don’t have Weepy Karen’s years of skating experience and keen psychological insight to fall back. I was kind of distracted throughout by just how tiny she is though, I have to admit.

Sebastien Foucan & Brioche: And finally, as Love Week draws to a close, we come to the final Aspect Of Love represented : awkward mid-air splits. Who hasn’t tried to impress a loved one by showing them your capacity to get maximum airage on your balls? This week it was Sebastien’s turn to show us all how the French (and *spit* Ray Quinn) show their tender feelings to the world, knackers to the breeze, ON ICE! Except he kind of messed it up and looked awkward and ungainly in an otherwise very strong routine (you know…like every other week they push him to do some stupid free-running nonsense) whilst Brioche just sat and rolled her eyes at the side. She would never even attempt an awkward mid-air splits. She knows her limits. She has no love in her heart to show. Just brioche.