Strictly Come Dancing 2011 – Christmas Special

SUWUZZROBBED.

We open, as it’s Christmas

on a shot of two snowmen, dressed up as the aristocracy, having sex. And with a load of other snowmen watching as well. Take THAT Tim Burton – this makes The Nightmare Before Christmas look positively wholesome. Oh and halfway through, the male snowman

starts staring DIRECTLY AT ME! NO SEXY SNOWMEN, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN IN. The jolly, merry, whiskery old figure presiding over this festive gang-bang?

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN! DAMN YOU DR HAMELA!

To continue the theme, we open on a pastoral scene of a house in the rural

red-light district. A figure scrubs vigorously at the window, flings them open and beckons us to…

yeah, do you know what, I’ll just pass on. Even the Little Match Girl would that invitation down. For those brave enough to squeeze through the window and past Russell (did you see him on Gordon Ramsey’s Festive Cookalong Live incidentally? It’s really going to HURT when people stop paying attention to him in, what, about five months time? If that. Because he NEEDS IT.) they get to find out that

Harry Judd’s mum has been busy this festive period. That’s right, we’re going to be spending our Yuletide days as part of A Pro-Muppet’s Christmas Carol with Ian (the Ghost of Strictly Past), Vincent (the Ghost of Strictly Present), Katya (the Ghost of Strictlys Yet To Get A Decent Partner), Anton (whichever one Gonzo was supposed to be) and Erin (Muppets Treasure/Erin Island). If you need to know which of them’s been hitting the mulled wine hardest :

I hope this answers your question. And who can blame her?

They’re doing…some variety of dance, possibly jive, in the tiny space afforded to them around those giant crackers. I feel this decision by the props department to make everything Ian-sized in probably a mistake, unless it’s specifically to entice him back to the show, in which case I’m all for it, even if it means

Anton kicking Vincent in the head. Even as speech therapy that’s slightly desperate measures. Additionally on behalf of Evil Moira Ross, Ian is given the task of

checking underneath Vincent for a sell-by date, just to see if his choreography this year was a one-off aberration, or if he really is completely inedible in general.

So anyway, it comes time to pull the crackers and, just like all crackers you know what’s inside right? That’s right

a cheap hat, a useless novelty item and

an awful old joke right out of the 1980s.

Not really! I love you Su/have no particular opinion on you Debra/still hate that hat.

Festive Velociraptor Dance?

Festive Tess Dress Watch?

(Not bad actually) Both checked off for another year. Bruce tells Tess that she looks absolutely gorgeous this evening. This happens a few times this evening. I think it’s everyone in the cast trying to send a message to Wardrobe along the lines of a silent *compared to the shit they normally bulldog-clip you into*. The (in this case “hesmakingalisthescheckingittwicehesgonnafindoutwhosenaughtyor) “niceterseeyer” reveals the usual

den of has-beens and never-weres desperately trying to get some cred back via the Strictly name. Oh these audiences. I don’t even recognise the one on the left there. Is he in a soap?

Tess asks Bruce if he’s done his Christmas shopping yet, and Bruce replies that he has, which is quite admirable given that this was filmed in November (BBC LIES). I bet Wilnelia did most of it. And by most of it I mean “all of it”. I hope she went with Nancy. I’m currently in the process of writing a special UK remake of Desperate Housewives cast with Wilnelia, Nancy, Holly Valance and Stephanie Beacham. Wilnelia can be the Brie – all prim and houseproud and put-upon, Holly can be the Gabrielle, all slaggy and lazy and young and pretty, and Nancy and Stephanie can be Nancy and Stephanie because Lynette and Susan both suck.

Bruce can be the series-long mystery.

He and Tess together tell us this is the Christmas Special, and will feature a cast of all new celebrities competing for the festive glitterstar, and also the entire (wrong) cast of 2011 are here (correct) to do a dance as well (wrong). Tess also tells us that Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Shakin’ Stevens. Erm…I think I’d manage. Apparently he’ll also have a golden Russell Grant shaped surprise. Because nothing says “surprise” like going “IT’S RUSSELL GRANT!” does it Tess?

Bruce says he’s glad Shakin’ Stevens is here, so long as he doesn’t pour out the drinks

LOL alcoholism. Speaking of which, here’s Nancy!

And the man she will be laying her eggs inside later. Bruce and Tess introduce the “stars of our Christmas show”, and they CAM AHT and Supollard almost goes arse over tit down the stairs right at the off. Well this augers well. Bruce jokes that Barry McSquiggles looks so nervous you’d think he was worried about his chestnuts getting roasted on an open fire.

If Erin in any way still cared Bruce, they probably would have been.

Bruce tells Barry not to worry because this is a Christmas Special and even if Erin did actually set him on actual fire, there’s no way three of the judges would go below an 8 for him, and those are the only three judges here, because Craig has gone AWOL. Apparently he’s got himself wedged somewhere dark, tight, and dirty. That’s right he’s

wedged right up the crack of a chimney. And he emerges

covered in green make-up (*all eyes turn to Pasha*). Yes, apparently Craig is the Grinch, come to “steal Christmas” darling, and he flaps around mincing his green flappy claws whilst everyone boos. Maybe they think it’s Jim Carrey and they’re expressing their thoughts on Mr Penguins Poppers or whatever it was that he last graced our screens in. Anyway, Craig takes his place on the panel

before Katya blasts a jet powered hose directly into his face and none of the make-up is ever seen again. Thanks Katya. Bruce announces, out loud, that he wishes he had some stuffing left.

Well there’s an image I could have happily died without ever thinking of…

Tess next tells us how tonight’s going to work. There will be no public vote – instead the studio audience will be serving as “the public” tonight, and their ranking will be combined with the judges scores to find our winner. So really it’s all about who’s got the most mates in. The man from the boy-band with three other members

(one of whom clearly isn’t allowed up this late), the woman from The Impressions Show (with one other regular cast-member), the boxer (who spent his entire career punching his colleagues in the face), Su Pollard or the woman from the not at all bloated Eastenders cast.

*HIGH TENSION*

Him from Blue & Katya Virshilas dancing the cha cha

Speed on the day that she’ll be called Katya Kongsdal, which is a) a better name (sorry Katya, it is), b) easily shortened to KATYA KONG, and c) possibly capable of being pronounced by Bruce as anything other than a sneeze noise. Bruce makes a joke about how ugly Simon is. Oh Bruce. Although he was better before all the tattoos.

Here he is anyway

Tess describes him as being a “singing hunk”, which sounds like something you’d find in a carnival freak-show. Why not just call him a melodious slab and have done with it? Anyway, Tess reminds us all that Simon built his reputation as part of boyband Blue

Anthony may or may not have been having a piss when this photo was taken, you can never be quite sure. Simon smirks that Blue were, apparently, really popular,

(maybe not with everyone) and then after splitting in 2005, he went on to have “a succesful solo career” (*stuffs face with miniature cheese and pickle pork pies to stifle the laughter*). I guess it was succesful in that it definitely happened.

Then this year Blue reformed to do Eurovision, but they came 11th, behind Jedward after

Lee did the entire performance facing the wrong way. (Again, I can neither confirm or deny that Anthony is taking a piss in that photo, I just can’t). This is why he wasn’t allowed out this evening. A harsh but fair punishment I’m sure you’ll agree. Simon talks about how being chosen to represent the UK was a great honour when, like, Scooch and Precious both did it. He does promise though that the Strictly Christmas Special will be even worse than Eurovision, nerves wise, because unlike in Eurovision, he’ll be out there on his own.

Or indeed, with Katya, which is the next worse thing, apparently. Simon discovers this only after

unwrapping her head from inside a giant Christmas present because yes, from the neck down that could easily have been Flavia or whoever. Simon tells us that you can always tell how you’re going to get on with someone from the first 5 seconds. Apparently the first 5 seconds for these two went something like

this. And who would expect anything else? Simon grizzles that he’s not used to being told what to do by anyone, let alone a woman. Oh Simon Katya’s not a woman…she’s a WHOLE other kettle of psychotic fish. She smiles to camera and says that the most important thing about the Strictly Christmas Special is having fun. Simon hoots

“AND WINNING!” and she’s all “yeah, well of course, but I’m trying this thing where I don’t scare the British public off by being an insanely competitive hosebeast. It’s not really working, but it’s worth a go right?” To close, Simon tell us he’s practiced both his winner’s smile and his

disappointed smile. Oh Simon, that face is how Erin now looks ALL THE TIME. No, really, it’s uncanny. TAKE THAT DEBRA SO-CALLED STEVENSON.

To the dance-floor now and

it looks like Katya’s been baking. By which I mean it looks like Katya has been throwing fruit haphazardly at flan-cases so she gets to

bend saucily over a table. TAKE THAT NIGELLA SO-CALLED LAWSON. She and Simon are dancing their cha-cha to “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade, with a “hubbys stumbling home from the pub drunk on Christmas Eve in the MOOD FOR LOVE” theme (oh Katya). Simon

throws off his hat,

and his jacket, and then Katya throws away her pinny and

spontaneously loses all control of her vagina and/or legs, as the woman is apt to do in this dance.

There’s not an awful lot going on, but his hips are moving, and it’s a Christmas Special, so *shrug*. The singers launch at “IT’SSS CHRISSSSSSSSSSTMAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS” is spectacularly mishit though. Why they didn’t get Bruno to do it I don’t know. And Katya’s hair is so plastered to her face that

it starts to look rather like what she got for Christmas was an unfortunate tribal tattoo. They close this passion play of Christmas carnality by

erm, sitting down and reading the paper. Are they checking what’s on ITV?

It gets a Standing Ovation, and up on the Tessanine they all burst into applause with

Barry McSquiggles looking like he’s especially enjoying the view from above. Having said that, it’s nothing compared to the display from

Noted Bisexual Duncan James. He’s overloaded the poor dear.

Once over at Bruce, Katya and Simon both mug about about how sexy they both are, which gives Bruce time to introduce Davearch, the Wonderful Orchestra and

The Man In The Festive Hat. I’m glad they let him out of that cupboard he was apparently stuffed in for the final. Oh and it’s also time to introduce our judges, all via the medium of food metaphors. Craig is an Australian wine (/whine), Bruno is nuts and crackers, Alesha is the icing on the cake (ie sweet, decorative, but hardly vital) but the best bit is when Bruce calls Len a trifle because he’s “a bit fruity” because the

LOOK OF BARELY RESTRAINED RAGE on Len’s face is qutie spectacular. It looks like he’s just swallowed a denture. Oh and Bruno also put the mince into mince pies, a ha ha ha.

Because we all know on that panel it is BRUNO who minces (*COUGH*CRAIG*COUGH*). I doubt Bruno can walk in a straight line long enough to mince.

Len starts for the judges, saying the routine was crisp (like fresh snow), sharp (like the winter air on Christmas morning) and hot (like mulled wine) and also

TOOTY FRUITY WHAT A BOOTY! or something.

Alesha follows, and says that it was strong, animalistic (which animal she doesn’t say, it might be, like, an owl or something) and totally in control. He should be proud

and possibly a bit scared. Simon points at Katya, all “she done this”, not that this stops

Bruno directing his face exactly where he wants to direct it. He mugs that he’s had so much hot toddy that he now feels dizzy. If by “hot toddy” you mean “various legal and not so legal highs all melted down in a giant mug of cider, then yes, I would agree. Craig closes by calling it a powerhouse of strength, darling.

No, I don’t know why Katya is doing that face either, but I’ll take it. Craig closes by calling Simon “Amazonian” which is, you know, calling him a girl, but a really tought girl, and this is the 21st century and women wear trousers now and stuff (especially, on this show, when they really shouldn’t), so it’s a compliment.

Up to the Tessanine they look to the future now (panto in Widnes), and they both grin about how amazing that was. Someone should tell Katya that nobody’s ever winning a Christmas Special with a cha-cha, because she seems to be getting a bit…you know…invested. Tess asks Simon if he thinks his band mates enjoyed it, and Simon says he thinks so, because he could hear them both

screaming the loudest out of everyone out there. And Lee’s absence wouldn’t have made any difference, because his mouth would have been full of jelly snakes. Sadly he wasn’t allowed to attend because he dunked Alex Jones’ pigtails in the glue-pots. Simon thanks Katya for whipping him into shape, mutters something about hoping his girlfriend was happy with that, and scores are in

36

Debra Stevenson and OH MY GOD LOOK WHO IT IS, IT’S IAN WAITE dancing the American Smooth

I do love that he couldn’t really be bothered to shave properly. If it was a full series, maybe, but not just for this. They’re lucky he got dressed frankly. Bruce tells us all that Debra is so marvellous on the Impressions Show, and he’s sure we’ve all seen it (*silence*). She does a marvellous Claudia, and her Fiona Bruce is amazing. Apparently Bruce met Fiona Bruce once, on the Antiques Roadshow, and she valued him.

Poor Wilnelia. You have to think she was expecting more than 17p and a Gummi Bear.

Oh crap, they’ve accidentally cued up Su’s VT by mistake. Hang on…

here we go. This is Debra Stevenson. Her many faces have made her one of the nation’s most loved female impressionists. That and when Jan Ravens went mental on Strictly 5 years ago and made herself unemployable. So here Debra is to repay the favour. She was also apparently in Bad Girls and Coronation Street for a bit. And Celebrity Fame Academy. And Let’s Drag Up For Comic Relief. And Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding-Dong. And virgin 1s “The Prisoner X”. Not that she’s got form or anything. Oh and

X Factor. I can’t believe she got knocked out in that sing-off with effing CHICO. Damn you SHARON OSBOURNE. I’ve always found her moderately likable, but she IS an impressionist, so let’s face it, she’s probably an awful human being.

She tells us all that doing this

is the sort of job she’s dreamed of doing since she was a kid. To be fair, that man playing the waiter is quite fit so…fair dos Debra Stevenson. She lies that her Davina McCall impression

is the one everyone loves, because, well, everyone just loves Davina don’t they? Personally it’s my favourite Debra Stevenson impersonation because it presents Davina as an awful insincere gasping harridan, but that might just be me. I doubt it though. She goes on to faux-nervous that she’s worried about meeting Tess again, because the last time she saw her she was doing an impression of her and dressed up exactly the same.

Presumably so we’d know the impression was supposed to be of because…it’s not great. Kudos for her going the full mile and making the dress even more ill-fitting on her than it managed to be on Tess. Now THERE’S commitment.

And who’s she partnered with?

Why Ian Waite of course. Not that he gets to say much. The only words he says throughout the entire VT are “…and sick”, and “what a lovely ending”. So worth it. I mean, it’s a generic bit of fluff about how all the spinning in their American Smooth makes her feel sick, but hey, get this man some better script writers please.

To the dance-floor now and

I love how thoroughly Ian has out-done Katya in the interior decor stakes. That’s right Katya, he’s got TWO Christmas trees, and a lamp, and a chaise-longue, and parquet floors and giant windows and paper chains, and classy presents. What did you offer? Tarts. So there. In a very real way, he’s won the show right there. They’re dancing to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” complete with

lip-syncing from Debra, and I’m taking it as entirely being a tribute to this iconic rendering of the same song, complete with appropriate “barking up the wrong tree dear” vibes. And also

“my, is she drunk” vibes. The dancing’s alright, elegant-ish, but also a bit flappy and slightly heavy, and this lift

makes me laugh far too much for reasons I can’t quite identify.

Nice to have Ian back anyway.

It gets a standing ovation, and Bruce coos that you’d think she’d been dancing for years. Don’t encourage the Internet conspiracy theorists Bruce. I know it’s only a Christmas Special so you’d think they’d have more of a light-hearted attitude to everything but…never underestimate us.

Alesha starts for the judges, and tells Debra that she looks gorgeous, had lovely lines, nice turns and great lifts, and looked really at home in the American Smooth. Debra in turn does her very best impression of

Harry Judd Humble Face. Bruno follows by saying it was “full of flavour, a treat for the eyes, and delicious to savour”. Which episode of the Red Shoe Diaries did he get that one out of? Oh and throws out a

random lady-perve, just to keep the balance up.

Craig follows, saying that she has nasty flat thumbs, and gapping you could drive a sleigh through. Debra protests that it was just her

marvellous Darren Gough impression. Well she doesn’t, but it’s still would have been better than any of the impressions Rory did, so I’ll give it to her anyway. Len closes by calling her “the fairy on the top of the tree”, which of course sets Ian off, all

“WHO, ME? TEE HEE!”. Whatever Ian, we all know that you and Denise Lewis contorted yourselves into sexual positions on the regular that would make Artem & Kara look like Fred & Ethel from number 82, I don’t know who you’re kidding with this “I’m a homo” stuff. Really. Len continues mugging away regardless and finishes of by saying “Baby It’s Cold Outside? Well

you warmed me up!”. Mercifully Ian does not pretend that Len is talking to him in this instance.

Bruce sends them up to the Tessanine by telling Debra that it was a marvellous IMPRESSION of Cyd Charisse. Ian mugs that he asked for Ginger Rogers and just had to

make do with second best. Your encounter with Damien Lewis is nothing to do with this show Ian, let it go, you big name-dropper. We all know about your Zumba classes to the starts by now. Once they’re up there, Tess asks them how many hours training went into that and Debra

clearly on the verge of sicking up again, says 8 hours. Oh Debra, that’s hardly any, it should be much better than that. Tess gets Debra to clarify that she has in fact loved every minute of it, and Debra clarifies that she has, indeed, enjoyed every one of the 502 minutes of it so far. EVERY ONE. Scores are in -

37. After the scores, Tess makes Debra do her Claudia impression. This of course, only makes me want Claudia to come and present this bit more.

Barry McSquiggles & Erin Boag dancing the Quickstep

Apparently Barry confided in Bruce that his favourite part of Christmas used to be when his kids got him up at 3am to open their presents, but now the only time they wake him up at 3am on Christmas Eve is when they’ve forgotten their front door key.

That, of course, hasn’t happened to Bruce since why back in his early married days, when he tried to put his (sabre-toothed) cat out for the night. He was stuck there banging the door for ages going “WILNELIAAAAAAAAAA!” (Poor Wilnelia). Those giant steaks were quite something though. Bruce closes by yelling “WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE HAVEN’T WE?”. I Bruce, have not.

VT time and we are introduced to world-famous boxer and

Hell’s Kitchen champion (oooh, his mashed potatoes were the stuff of legends) Barry McSquiggles. He was World Paperweight Champion in 198something when he punched some guy until he fell over. It was the GREATEST NIGHT OF HIS LIFE. I love sport. 75,000 people lined the streets of Belfast, and 200,000 lined the streets of Dublin, all to get a look at him and celebrate his win.

This is nothing of course compared to the victory parades for Harry Judd. So many people lined the streets of Chelmsford that the UK actually tipped up slightly and far away in the highlands some sleeping sheep slid all the way down to Aberdeen. Oh and for this feat he won Sports Personality Of The Year, sandwiched between Torville & Dean and Nigel Mansell. What a thought. Fortunately, Sports Personality Of The Year is decided by public vote alone, with no input from judges, otherwise he would have lost to Lisa Snowdon.

Barry worries slightly about what his boxing friends will have to say about him doing a Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. And well he might worry, because I know if there’s anyone who is in a valid position to laugh at someone’s performance on Strictly it’s

this guy. In the end, Barry decides to hell with it, it’s Christmas, he doesn’t care what people say about him.

Speaking of not caring

herrrrrrrrre’s Erin. Recreating the end of that Christmas movie favourite – Se7en. Her reaction to getting Barry in the draw for partners? Basically it’s

“look at this f***ing midget. Are you on crack producers? Actual crack? Whatever. I’m going to make him wear high heels, don’t think that I won’t. No, really, what a f***ing midget

where’s my booze?”

They try and pretend that they did training, when I think we all know the only training they did was Erin saying “look, I’m going to run round in a circle, you just hold on to me short-arse. We’ll call it a quickstep and Len will give it a 9, because it’s me. You go punch at shadows, mummy’s off to Erin Island” *grabs bottle of tequilla and puts face-mask on*

We close with Barry giggling that he’s going to be wearing his brown corduroys and incontinent pants, just in case he shits himself. Erin’s all

“no problem as long as none of it spatters onto me, munchkin-boy.”

To the dance-floor now and

I love how allergic Erin is to theming. She’s just rummaged in the bins round the back of Hotel Erin on her way to the studio, brushed the worst off a sprig of mistletoe, and that’s it. Compare that to Ian auditioning to be the new presenter of Grand Designs in the routine before. Oh Erin. Len

tugs on his bell-end (SPORTSMAN!) and the dance is on.

Erin uses the mistletoe for the

obvious, then lobs it at the orchestra and gets to work on implementing all the hours of training. IE

she runs round in a circle whilst Barry holds on and tries not to get trampled underfoot. They’re doing their running to “Jingle Bells” and erm…that’s about it

some bits of it aren’t them just running round in a big circle I swurr. They do a metric ton of lifts I know that much.

THE END. Still the best performance by a boxer on this or any other iteration of the show THINK ON THAT. And bless Erin. I hope if she falls on her arse on a frosty morning whilst carrying her Sainsburys bags in from the car she styles it out like that.

It gets a Standing Ovation

from the returning celebs at least. Well…most of them.

Bruce greets them by cooing that he’s experienced Barry’s quick feet around the ring (TOO MUCH INFORMATION BRUCE, LET’S MOVE ON), and Bruno starts by saying that he moved faster than Lewis Hamilton! There were only occasional pauses to stop and refuel and then BOOM, HE WAS OFF AGAIN. Does Bruno know what sport Barry is famous for? I’m guessing not. AS EXCITING AS NIGEL MANSELL AND AS LIKABLE AS MICHAEL SCHMUACHER! HUZZAH!

Craig follows by saying that Barry could do with a little more length of bone (no need to be personal Craig) and he lost his balance as well. Oh and his hands were spatulistic. Erin is, as ever,

loud and drunk, at all times. She starts yelling about how mean Craig is so Craig replies that he did love the Charleston section. Will it ever be as amazing as this Charleston section Craig, no it will not.

Len follows by making an awful

“Boxing Day” joke, and then just slobbers all over it because it’s an Erin Boag quickstep. Alesha closes by saying that that was “surprisingly good”. Always nice to here.

Up to the Tessanine they jingle their bells, and of course Tess gets Barry to threaten to hit Craig because

lord knows Bruce only said it about 50 times that I edited out. Tess gushes that Barry must be used to a very different type of dancing on Christmas Day, and Barry says that’s true. Normally he has someone chasing him, but occasionally in training he’d turn his back and Erin had run off. He’d find her an hour later in the BBC Canteen car hugging a bottle of Malibu she had made in the shape of Austin Healey. Still, when she was sober and not hiding the keys to the gym inside her coconut bra and pretending she couldn’t find them, oh well, LET’S LIMBO!, she was a great coach and a true friend. Tess asks them both if they’d like to win. Erin normally takes her hand off. Scores are in -

36. Simon and Katya are in

no way incredibly pissed off at this turn of events. LOOK, THEY’RE SMILING.

Super Lard & Anton du Beke dancing the foxtrot

Not so much a dancer as a social worker these days isn’t he? Apparently during rehearsals Su gave Bruce a three foot long sock. Obviously she was using the same training room as Gethin used and found one of his erm…winter warmers. Those training rooms do get chilly.

Here’s

Su Pollard, “style icon and comedy legend”. I like to think they threw the first of those in just to make the second bit sound less lame. If you never saw Hi De Hi, it was basically 30 minutes of this

occasionally interrupted by Ruth Madoc being an amazing Welsh slut. I love it unapologetically. It’s not quite as amazing as ‘Allo ‘Allo (GOOD MOANING! I WAS PISSING BY THE DOOR WHEN I HEARD TWO SHATS! <3 <3 <3 4eva) but really, what is? Su recounts her Hi-De-Hi glory days, her “You Rang M’Lord?” semi glory days, neglects to mention “Oh Dr Beeching” (…probably wise) and reminisces about her singing career.

And honestly, people think Little Mix represent women everywhere? PAH.

Su says that she likes to think of her self as Lady Gaga’s mentor and all round style inspiration

(Lady Gaga is the one on the left there by the way). You may scoff, but I watched that Monsters Ball concert she did on Sky, and she spent a good 5 minutes rambling on (in the middle of a song, naturally) about how one of her biggest inspirations in Marissa Tomei so, let’s face it, we’re all in with a chance. Su promises to give us all 90 seconds of fabulousness. Eh, near enough.

Guess who Su is partnered with?

THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S ARTE…oh no wait, it’s Anton. I know I’m surprised. It’s like this whole show is the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter and he is Mental-Illness House. Anyway, Su totters everywhere like a chicken in a gale in rehearsals, and she’s obviously not helped by the fact that she appears to be double-booked with this show and

working as a festive dinner-lady in a near-by comprehensive. Anton blathers that she is the best partner he has ever had and she epitomizes foxtrot sophistication, as Su grabs her own vagina from through the back of her legs and hops around going “UH UH UH UH!” I’m not doing a picture, you can just imagine it. Then she

sticks a grape up her own nose. Oh Su…

She jokes that even if she doesn’t get to lift the glitterball (SPOILERS : she doesn’t) she will at least have lifted her own spirits, and it will make a different venue for her dancing skills than her usual Christmas Day dancefloor – the table in her own living room. Anything to liven up the Queen’s Speech I guess.

To the dance floor and

Anton’s got his chestnuts out again. But wait…who’s this?

It’s Su! Flinging out Christmas Crackers and being dragged in on a sleigh by Pasha and Artem. This definitely, definitely counts as both of them putting up with a duffer, so it’s RINGERS ONCE AGAIN for them both next series right? Right? I think it makes sense. Do you know what doesn’t make sense? Su Pollard doing a foxtrot. What genius backstage thought that one up? The woman is a febrile ball of mental chaos, I don’t want to see her trying (and failing) a stately foxtrot, especially with Anton

lifting her up and down like a windy toddler. Oh and that grape she jammed up her nose, to mimic a ball of snot, also by coincidence

mimics her costume. Mmm, festive green.

Really the concentration on her face throughout is sad to see. Who wants to watch Su like this

rather than say, running around in a paso using a yellowcoat as the cape? Hmm? And then to compound the indignity Anton can’t quite help a

“I’M PUSHING HER UP BY HER ARSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” joke to close. Really, I miss the subtlety of his routines with Nancy don’t you?

Up on the Tessanine Katya’s all

“right, if THIS gets 36, I am cutting a bitch”.

Over to the judges Anton carries her and Bruce tells her that he just wants her to know that, even before the judges confirm that she was crap, she’s his favourite. Of course Su knows what this means and

swings for him. HOORAY.

Craig starts for the judges by saying that it really lacked most of the fundamentals of foxtrot, so she

swings for him as well.

Holly Valance is loving this shit. Maybe we can get Su to play Mrs McCluskey in Strictly Desperate Housewives?

Let’s try and top that madness. Len says that she came out like the Snow Queen and metamorphosised into a Christmas Tree, Alesha says she wants to give Su an extra point just for attacking Craig (so a 3 paddle then? PLEASE MAKE IT A 3 PADDLE), and Bruno compliments her on her range. So that’s nothing topping it then. Let’s take another look at her assaulting Craig, going where not even Audley dared to go.

She laughs it off with an “IT WAS DONE WITH AFFECTION!” which only makes me love her more, because that’s EXACTLY the line I’m taking if anybody from the show finds out about this blog. Before running away.

Bruce tries to get them to piss off up to the Tessanine, but Su is more interested in shuffling around mumbling “long and sloooooowwwww, long and sloooowwww” which is apparently something Anton told her once. Amazing. Bruce finally pulls himself together to ask Anton to “take her up the stairs” to which Su replies with a near perfect

“OOOH PARDON!” (or words to that effect). Double amazing.

So up to the Tessanine they (eventually) go and Tess lies to them that that was even MORE than 90 seconds of fabulousness. Katya’s bitch-face at this is

spectacular. YOU CAN’T LIE AT CHRISTMAS TESS, THE ELVES WILL COME FOR YOU! Su waffles on about how amazing Anton is and then we get distracted on a fashion interlude where style icon Su starts telling everyone that they are dressed amazingly this evening, particularly Tess. Thanks Style Icon Su! Scores are in -

30. (Hurr hurr, 69) Then

everyone starts grabbing at Anton. Who even knows why?

Janine Butcher & Vincent Simone dancing the jive

Apparently Bruce was told by Janine that after the show finishes filming she’s off to the Queen Vic for a traditional Eastenders Christmas. This will apparently feature a booze-up, a knees-up, a punch-up, an explode-up, a rape-up and quite probably a poorly written comedy storyline involving Big Mo, a pair of knickers and a roast turkey-up.

VT now and

here is Janine Butcher. She’s won lots of awards for playing Janine Butcher in Eastenders.

And she’s been in it for ages, since she was 17 in fact.

Such a shame these child stars going into a soap and not really exploring their options in life as a performer. With a bitch-face like that, she EASILY could have been a Strictly Pro. Her dancing’s not much worse than Hayley Holt’s was as well (HEY-OH). Janine rattles on about how Janine is the sort of character you love to hate, or just hate, or in my case, love to love and watch clips of her murdering useless crap characters like Barry Evans and Danielle Whatserface (YES SHE’S DEAD DIGITAL SPY GET OVER IT) and Laura Beale over and over and over again. But she wants us all to know that in real life she’s not like that

which she immediately proves to be untrue by EATING A MINCE PIE IN EVIL FASHION. YOU’VE NOT FOOLED ME JANINE! She says that she really wants her grandparents and daughter to see her happy on Christmas Day not

trying to murder someone. Whatever Janine, you’re never happier than when you’re a-murdering. As that proves. (Also, she’s lucky she’s not got Anton, because we all know that that’s how that would have ended).

Instead she’s got

Vincent. Armed with mistletoe and staring down her top HURRAH MOLTO BENE MY LITTLE PICCOLINO BELLA LASAGNA etc etc. He tells us all that he and Janine have so much chemistry going on

I’ll say. They have a whole storyline where they argue whether to include an illegal lift, which would make a lot more sense if Erin hadn’t just done about 50 of them in her quickstep with no bother at all. Janine does some quality “I’M A GOOD GIRL I AM!” acting but then Vincent tells her she looks like an elephant and

THE MASK SLIPS. They close by saying that they hope that their energy gets people up and dancing in their living rooms at home. Maybe if Su were at home, but otherwise…

To the dance-floor and

never has a Sexy Santa outfit looked quite like the box for some cheap porn right? And that’s saying something. Vincent’s sack quivers around in the background, looking a bit like a silvery Grimace with a ginger mullet. Hang on…

there we go. Vincent twirls around, handing out gifts to all, then reveals that his bulging sack is in fact concealing

JANINE! WITH A KNIFE! Not really, she’s just there to do a festive jive to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”. Which is actually rather good, for a Week 1 Performance, with quality skirt business and

“riding an imaginary motorcycle” action. I like to think she’s imagining running over Heather. Also, this is the

most excited I’ve seen anyone about going between Vincent’s legs in years. (NB : evaluation does not include Vincent himself)

THE END.

It gets a Standing Ovation and a requisite “LOOK! LOOK JANINE! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!” from Bruce. Oh how I am not going to miss that in the 10 months before this all starts up properly again. Look, she’s even provoked a

Harry Judd/Tim Henman fist-pump. That’s how you KNOW it was adequate.

Len starts for the judges, and calls it sharp and tasty, like a pickled walnut.

Oh Len, there is nothing tasty about your pickled walnuts, and if they’re sharp you should probably go see a doctor. Alesha follows, saying it was fast-paced, full of energy, with great kicks and flicks, great bounce action, full of personality and PURE FUN (but still not as good as Barry clinging onto Erin for dear life). Bruno follows with some

equal opportunity perving, as per usual. Craig closes by saying “one word, three syllables, starting with F”

which this time is apparently “Fabulous”, not last time, when it was “FLAT-U-LENCE” and he was just giving everyone fair warning.

This note sends them up to the Tessanine, where Janine mugs that she

still isn’t quite able to catch her breath after that routine. Tess informs Janine that she’s won many Soap Awards – Best Villain, Best Exit (which of her seventeen exits was that then?) but how would it feel to win a POINTLESS STRICTLY CHRISTMAS GEWGAW? Janine laughs that really she’s doing it for Vincent, because he’s never won before, and he has to win something at some point right? (Yes, compared to the BULGING trophy cabinets of all the other competing pros this evening. Erin can’t even get in her garage because of all the trophys in there (that she made herself)). Scores are in

37. Making our final festive leaderboard thus : Girls, then Boys, then Sus. Basically this means whoever gets the most audience votes wins (unless it’s Su).

Coming up… “a real fairy at the top of the tree” (that’s right it’s 1978, and we’re calling gay men “fairies” in an unironic sense, I’m so proud of the programmes I watch), but first here’s

Shakin Stevens, miming along to “Merry Christmas Everyone”. Here are his backing mimers

Drunky, Normal, and That Girl Who Hated Blue. Once we’ve had a lungful of this festive standard, the giant pudding in the corner SPLITS OPEN and from it emerges

another giant pudding. Then Flavia

throws some stuff at him. Merry Christmas.

That done, it’s time to find out our FESTIVE CHAMPION :

IT’S JANINE! McFly rush onto the fl…oh no wait, they don’t. Vincent and Janine just have a bit of a hug.

Then she pushes him off a clif…oh no, wait, she doesn’t, she just parties with the trophy and dedicates it to her daughter – Kiki.

Do you know, at this point they did a celeb group dance, but it featured Russell as an actual fairy BECAUSE HE IS GAY, and I just can’t. Not even Holly giving even less of a shit than she did for the rest of the series can compel me to do it. GOODNIGHT EVERYONE, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!