The Apprentice 6 – Interviews

ARYAN MASTER-RACE FINAL HUZZAH!

We begin, in a particularly stretched out Apprentice Bates Motel this week, with

Jamie, rushing to re-take the lead in Phone Answering Wars. With four points now, he cannot lose. I’m sure that’s…some small consolation for him. Also, not “bouncing” this week. So he has learned. Although sadly not to avoid the

BEETROOT-CAULIFLOWER BRAIN OF DOOM! NOOOOOO!

Cousin It tells Jamie that the candidates are to meet Lordalan at Viglen (where else?), and the cars will be there to pick them up in half an hour. Jamie trots off to inform the troops, as Stella leans over the side of the

M C Escher Spooky staircase and asks if this is the call to interviews? Jamie clarifies that it is, so Stella treks five miles upstairs, three miles down, through the Haunted Bathroom, over the Ancient Indian Burial Ground, around the Spooky Rollerdisco, and eventually to Stubags room where she pops her head round the door to tell Stubaggs

“hands off cocks, hands on socks, you’ve got school in half an hour – your weetabix is on the table, and I’ve left out your unfinished homework from last night”. Stubaggs in reply is all

I’LL DO IT ON THE BUS MUM! TEN MORE MINUTES! Incidentally, Stella totally calls it “VID-GEE-LIN” here, so if you’re wondering where Joanna got it from, there’s your likely source.

Stella then treks back up seventeen flights of stairs, leaps through the Vortex, circumnavigates that Lake Where All The Sexy Teens Died Fifteen Years Ago, and fixes her slap,

whilst talking about how she’s never failed a job interview ever, because she never applies for a job unless she’s 100% sure in herself that she’s got it. Personally I’ve only ever failed at one job interview, and given that I blagged in it that I had basic fluency in Hindi, that’s probably a good thing.

Next up Jamie

saying that this is going to be a very, very difficult task, with many hard decisions to ponder, but as long as he keeps his wits about him and perseveres, he will come out at the end triumphant. Jesus Christ Jamie, I know your wife isn’t here to hold your hand, but it’s only the bloody ironing. The tortuous psychogeography of Apprentice Bates Mansion only gets worse when we discover that

Chris Bates has been sleeping in the hallway all this time. And still he hasn’t got any point in Phone Answering Wars. What a bloody slacker. “Entrepreneurial Streak”? Don’t make me laugh. He says that Lordalan has had the chance to fire him and hasn’t, and he’s got a very strong age, considering his age, which is 24 (/Wotherspoon). He went to school, did some exams, got a degree, and now he has a job. Really that set him WELL ahead of most 24 year olds. INSPIRATIONAL!

Up in the Twisted Turret meanwhile, Joanna

applies her slap, and wonders what are these things called interviews? She’s heard that there be men of mighty strong learnings there, and she hopes they don’t look down on her, for she is but humble folk. Still, people have said til now she is but a humble cleaner of messes, but she has more skills within her than can be learned in any book, tis true. Still she then gets turnabout on these smart city folk

along with everyone else, as they all stand around and laugh at Jamie for going to the most important job interview of his life dressed in the same crumpled mould-blue suit and red tie he wears everywhere else. Then he and Chris have a bit of a josh about how Chris is “John Major” and Jamie is “New Labour”, and I haven’t heard this much feeble banter since Streetwise Sudoku.

To the Apprenticars they go,

and they still don’t even get one each. Boo. Stubaggs has a good whinge about the weather, always the Englishman’s Choice in terms of masking blind panic (albeit usually merely at the act of feeling you have to interact with another human being at all). Jamie pronounces meanwhile that is going to be “one test of one’s character”. Yeah alright, The Queen. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that Jamie earns the most out of all the candidates, but it’s as an estate agent so… *scales gesture*

He cockterviews head-on that

he knows that there are four other very strong candidates left, but he’s got qualities that are just a little bit ahead of everyone else. Oooh, what are these qualities Jamie? I’m sure we will discover them in full over the course of the next 52 minutes.

Meanwhile in Apprenticar Girl

Stella cracks her knuckles and gushes about how this is what they’ve all been waiting for. And by “they”, she means “me”, because if there’s any task designed for Stella to chew it up and spit it out it’s Interviews. As we shall see. Helpful Voiceover Man informs us that Stella left school at 15, because she’d already won, and now she heads up Business Management at a top Japanese bank. I’m very disappointed that we’ve got this far without hearing Stella speak ANY Japanese. Such a closed book. She

humbleterviews that nobody ever expected anything out of her, and she clawed her way up from the biggest council estate in Britain to get where she is now so, you know, FIRE THAT Lordalan.

Stubaggs meanwhile, is still waffling on, saying that Lordalan isn’t about to give away £100,000 for nothing (you do know that that’s not a prize right Stubaggs? You’re going to have to actually do a job at the end of all this), and they’re going to have to prove that they have the balls and the minerals to do this. Whatever minerals one needs to pass interviews? Is Margaret a martyr to her zinc tablets? Is he hiding them? Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that Stubaggs is the youngest candidate to ever make it this far, which is less exciting when you realise that he’s the youngest contestant ever to be on the show. He then

bleaterviews that in the last Boardroom Lordalan said he saw a little bit of himself in Stubaggs, and that’s the greatest compliment he can ever pay. What, more than “you’re pretty” or “that’s a nice blouse” or “oooh, you’ve lost weight Kaen”. Pshaw. Anyway, Stubaggs says he totally agrees with Lordalan – there is something raw and strong in him, just waiting to come out. It’s last night’s sushi dinner, and it’s going to give him terrible windypops all day.

Candidates arrive at Viglen where

STELLA IS LAST THROUGH THE DOORS AND THEREFORE FIRED! WHERE’S YOUR DRIVE STELLA? WHERE? YERRFAHRRED! Or not… They wander around a bit, have some breakfast sandwiches, have a quick toilet stop, have a nice chat with Cousin It about her kids, and then wonder what that…amazing scent is that they can sense around the building. Smells like pot pourri, and arsenic, and sherbet lemons and pepper spray and cats and talc and jasmine all rolled into one. Smells like…Margaret.

All this done, they line on a bit of stairs, as Nick and Kaen glower down, and Chris prepares to do his best

Fonzie “AY!” as Lordalan approaches. Hey, if a reverse pterodactyl can work, why not a Fonzie? Sadly, he aborts at the last minute. Tragic. Nothing worse than an aborted Fonzie. Lordalan arrives, and everyone glowers down even harder at the candidates, causing a

terrible car-crash in Nick’s chin area. Anyway kids, you know what time it is, it’s interview time. Lordalan is calling on four of his most twatt….trusted advisers, to wring out every last drop of comic potential left in you, before we suddenly do the editing flip and act like you’re super-competent in the final, after nigh-on three months of trying to make you look as dickish and useless as possible. Two of you will advance, because Lord knows, we are NOT repeating Series Four again, the other three? FAHRED!

This year’s crop of Utter Bastards?

Screaming Claude Douche, currently asking Chris if he wants to do it the hard way (not gonna lie, I’d watch that)

Timothy Spall in John Sergeant : My Life Story (The Other One), currently asking Stella why none of the others like her (ZOMG The Other One, it is because they is juss jelus)

Boring Bordan, walking mid-life crisis, currently nit-picking the fudge out of Jamie’s CV, because he’s claimed to be solely responsible for something he wasn’t solely responsible for (FACE OF SURPRISE!)

and Margaret. Meeting Stubags first, cause that’s where the money is. Right from the off she goes for the jugular, reaming him out for daring to call her “Margaret”

rather than “Ms Mountford”. Stubags defence is that he feels like he knows her, cause he’s seen her on the telly. Maragret assures him that he knows absolutely nothing about her. I feel like we’re at an Apprentice FanCon. Ghazal’s over by the merch stand, signing trainers until 3pm people, then we’ve got a Q & A with Ansell Henry, Princess Lindi, Paul What Used To Do Interviews, and SmugCow.

Next to face the wrath of Mountford is Jamie. Apparently he put on his application form that the most interesting thing about him is that he owned five properties, in the UK and Cyprus, and a Porche, all before the age of 25, oh and also, he has a third nipple.

Margaret is not impressed. Less so by his answer to a later question – “what is the biggest lie you’ve ever told?”

“that I have a third nipple”. Third nipples are a very serious business Jamie. Don’t bring that to Margaret. She lost a cousin to third nipple. It’s still raw. She calls him purile and tells him to hop on.

Sadly, this is still better than Stubags answer to the same question, currently being explored by The Other One, which was actually to admit to telling a massive lie – in this case slandering a rival telecoms firm (they had THREE cans and a piece of string. Bizarre business model quite frankly) by saying they were about to go out of business when they weren’t. This has led The Other One to the conclusion that Stubaggs is in fact Satan’s Baby.

Quite frankly, on that evidence, who would disagree? Stubaggs’ response is that he is being honest about his tendency towards dishonesty, hence making him a character of integrity. It’s not as though he’s LYING and telling you he tells the truth is it? He is always totally upfront and honest about the fact that he’s never totally upfront and honest. When pointed out that he’s brewing up a nice Universe swallowing paradox there, he falls back on “well we’re all young once weren’t we?”

Oh Stubaggs, that is a response to

1. heavy recreational cannabis use
2. drinking your own vomit out of a pint glass
3. trying to see how many 2p coins you can fit inside your foreskin, resulting in a hurried trip to hospital
4. turning all the lights out for half an hour and pretending your cuddly polar bear is a girl

Not “slandering a rival in the press”

Stubaggs emerges to join the rest, and goes a bit

Michael Winner, all “sure the questions were tough, but I can handle it!” He explains very sagely to the others that what you say on your application form has to tally with what you say in the interview as thought this isn’t utterly basic common sense. If you claim to have a field of ponies, apparently you then have to have a field of ponies. MADNESS! Stella mumbles that she guesses it depends how you filled in your application form (ie, whether or not you filled it with utter cat-shit) and Stubaggs snaps back that he “guaranteesthatyouwillnotsailthroughthatinterviewwithoutabitofcriticismSTELLA”.

Stella then ascends to meet Claude, and Chris snorts that he thinks of all of them Stella will take criticism the least well. Big talk coming from Mr “She told me my pitching was a bit shit – I will hold this grudge for the next 9 TASKS”. Stubaggs meanwhile just sits and ponders

how badly this is going already. Mauled by The Other One, Her Holiness Dame Margaret Mountford hates him…why carry on?

Oh, this gon be GOOD. Stella beams brightly, as Claude slurs “so what are your accomplishments?” She says that she’s got ten years of experience in banking, and then Claude Claude-hops in, and says that those 10 years in banking have left her far, FAR too old, at 30, to decide she wants to have a change of career? Stella says of course not – it shows she’s ambitious, just like she was ambitious when she came to a bank at 15 with no qualifications, and then ended up running the whole place one week later. Or something like that. Claude calls her corporate, she screams “KNEES UP MUVVAH BRAHHHHHHHHHHHHN!” in his face, which we have established is the Official Answer To Everything (/says that she sees his point, but she can be creative and generate revenue, not just administrate the efforts of others).

SO THERE!

She stomps back down to the Bearpit, still smiling. Everyone else inwardly seethes.

Next up, Joanna meets Bordan and already

she looks so far out of her depth that we’re not so much as “not waving but drowning” as “oooh, what are those things out there? They look a bit like fingertips?”. Bordan asks her what Lordalan does. Joanna replies “what, like Vi-gee-lin and stuff?”. Bordan replies that this would be a good start. She replies “IT Communications”. Bordan asks what this means. Her actual answer?

“SELL COMPUTERS! TO SCHOOLS! MEDICAL INDUSTRY!”

My fist is in my mouth already quite frankly. Bordan asks her if she’s asking him or telling him this. She replies that she’s asking. Because she doesn’t know. Remember when these people used to get roasted for not knowing Lordalan’s Annual Turnover? Yeah. Joanna doesn’t know what a Viglen is. Bordan asks her what other companies Lordalan has, and then Joanna gives what is the WORST ANSWER OF THE ENTIRE EPISODE by answering this easy, easy question by

1. Naming a company that she thinks Lordalan DOESN’T have (Amsair), which is already admitting you don’t know, and that you’re scrabbling around for pennies
2. Getting it wrong

Bordan explains that she means Amstrad, then asks if she knows any companies that Lordalan DOES have.

Silence. Forever. Tumbleweeds.

16 minutes in and I’m so depressed I already need a drink. As Joanna

literally regresses before our eyes to a 12 year old who hasn’t done there homework, we move swiftly on to Chris with Margaret.

Very quickly she

bulges her eyes out, and begs to read a piece out from his application form. It reads thusly, to the question “What is the most interesting thing about you?” : “The fact that, without being even remotely religious, I am revered as one of the outstanding theological scholars for my age in the UK”

What this turns out to mean, after a solid 20 minute of nut-cracking, is that he got an A in Theology A Level. Margaret asks Chris if he in fact knows what “revered” actually means. He says that he does, and that he was certainly revered in his school for his skills in theological debate. That and how he could wrap his willy round his wrist and make it look like a watch. Margaret asks if he is in fact a bit of an egg-head booky-wook – obsessed with academic ability and with no practical skills. Chris says that he isn’t really, and he doesn’t really think the ability to brag about your academic achievements is all that important really, but he is VERY good at it, if she’d like him to continue. Margaret writes

“wanker” in hieroglyphics.

Claude next, asking Chris to explain why he’s so bloody special then. Chris replies with his academic record (again), and also the fact that he’s moved from University straight into a decent job. Claude decides that he wants to SIEZE on Chris academic record because, whilst he ended up with a first class honours degree, it WASN’T IN THE SUBJECT HE ORIGINALLY CHOSE TO DO!

DUN DUN DURRRRRRRRRRRN!

God that’s feeble. Chris replies that that’s true, but what of it? Claude responds that first, Chris FLUNKED OUT of Law. Chris calmly explains that he just changed course because he decided he didn’t want to do it any more, and didn’t think he wanted to do the job at the end. Claude asks what job that might be, and Chris says..erm…a lawyer? And Claude says WRONG, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, YOU CAN BE A DOCTOR WITH A LAW DEGREE! Probably! It’s a very useful degree for any job. Chris says that he doesn’t think it is, then Claude gets all

WELL HOOTIE HOO TO YOU, MR EXPERT! over it, then calls Chris a big FAILURE because he SCREWED UP AT THE VERY FIRST HURDLE (/the age of 19, so…about fifth hurdle at best). Chris replies that it’s not the first hurdle, and he demonstrably did not screw up, what are you on about, you bizarre sweaty little man?

Claude then rambles on about how Chris did a degree in Politics and American Studies, but doesn’t appear to be using it, and has now quite his Exciting Job after nine months to come do a silly tv game-show. What a sucker, what a QUITTING QUITTER WHO QUITS!

I swear Claude used to be better than this? Didn’t he? This is like “YOU LIKE AROMATHERAPY YOU DUMB WHORE?!” levels of stupidity isn’t it?

Chris tells him to sod off basically, that he’s not going to do a Dewberry and quite, you’d better believe it, and then he stomps off to have a huff in the Holding Pen about what a tit Claude is. He thinks he did himself proud though.

More of Jamie with Margaret now, because we apparently didn’t get enough joy out of that dynamic earlier. We cover how Jamie left school at 16, because he decided that academics didn’t agree with him. Margaret coos that it says on his app. form that he blames his parents for that, because they didn’t push him hard enough.

I’ll say. His response is that yes, there was no focus on education in his household as a child. His GCSEs were crap, (Grades C to F) but it’s ALL HIS HOUSE’S FAULT. We then move on to Jamie with Boring Bordan, and a quite bizarrely edited bit, where Bordan tries to work out what’s going on with his business, Jamie says he’s on the verge of selling it to his business partner, and then out of nowhere he starts whinging about how his business partner does no work and sucks and smells and is possibly a bit gay and also has shit hair. He’s taking 50% of the profit, whilst Jamie does 99% of the work. Bordan of course

chooses to take this figure-of-speech literally as a statement of fact, because…well this is the interviews on The Apprentice. Have you seen them before?

We then cover how Jamie’s company is doing a bit shit, despite Jamie claiming to be well good and ting. It’s not very interesting. Jamie says the company is breaking even, Bordan claims that’s not very impressive considering he claims to be the Best Saleswoman In Europe doing 99% of the work, yadda yadda and so on. Bordan finishes by saying that he thinks Jamie is basically here to use The Apprentice as an escape chute from his business, which is going down in flames.

Gawd, imagine if this really was your escape chute. How tragic. Then again it isn’t as though watching The Apprentice isn’t kind of my escape chute really.

Back to The Holding Pen he scurries where he tries to claim that was all jolly fun and went awfully well. Stella’s all

“mmm hmm, course it did cowboy. Course it did”.

Back with Mags and Baggs now

and she’s loving every second. Stubaggs is bragging about how he has thousands of ideas swimming round his head every second. Right now he’s thinking of a

GPS for cats. What say Margaret to that?!

She is well impressed. She asks him if he wants to be The Apprentice or Lordalan’s business partner, and he says both. He’s not going to make this a 9-to-5 job! Even if that’s what he’s given! He’s going to be working 24/7 on Lordalan related projects and newsletters. Possibly a badge. Margaret snerks that she bets he’ll be giving it 110% as well. Stubaggs agrees and crashes on, oblivious to the mocking.

Straight into Claude who

refuses to shake his hand, because…I don’t know, it’d ruin his street cred or something. Either that or Stubaggs has just broken unbidden into doing the robot. He immediately huffs in Stubaggs face about how he’s for some reason

called him self “The Brand”. What does he mean by that? I’m guessing he means “I wanted to get on tv”? Did he tell you the one about how everything he touches turns to sold yet? Because that’s another good one. Stubaggs, all praise to his chutzpah, decides to front this out, saying that if Claude actually looks up what a brand is, he will see that he is one. Claude disagrees, to say the least. He also wants to know why Stubaggs would, if he’s such an international Brand already, want to lower him self to working for Lordalan. Stubaggs say it’s because

he’s currently a big fish in a small pond. To this Claude starts screaming “YOU’RE NOT A FISH! YOU’RE NOT A FISH!”. Good lord, did he get his ear medicine and his brain medicine mixed up this morning or something?

Stubaggs retreats to the Holding Pen, and says that Claude greeted him like he’d knocked on his door and told him he’d run over his dog. With his fish. Joanna is then ushered in, and is greeted by Claude in a mood of eerie calm. Oh God. It’s even worse than Screeching Artificial Bastard Claude. He’s about to try to be inspirational. Hold onto your hats people.

Claude wants to talk a little bit about Joanna’s cleaning business. She’s asked how big a company it is, and she says she’s fine with it, but doesn’t seem particularly enthusiastic. It gets her by. Claude replies that that doesn’t sound particularly aspirational. Joanna says not at all – she just set up a cleaning business because it seemed like the easiest one to start, and now she’s a bit stuck for what to do now. She doesn’t want to be just a cleaner any more, she wants to be a respected businesswoman (*Monkseal opens second bottle of wine*). Claude then asks her what she thinks she has to offer Lordalan, and she replies herself – she’s got no qualification and little experience, but she’s got good business instinct, she just knows it! Claude says that she hasn’t shown it, a brief

flash of combativeness flashes across her face, just before the Poignant Strings Of Working Class Struggle start up, as Claude waxes rhapsodic about how Joanna has only been at her business for two years, and it takes a lot of gumption to do what she did, and you go girl, and it’d be awful to give it up now for some silly old Lordalan. She’s then sent out, already clearly on the verge of tears, as I move on to the brandy. *hic*

Next up

Stella stares down The Other One, who I got conflated with Boring Bordan for this bit, because he is just THAT extraneous. He calls her a glorified PA, she tells him to piss off. She’s the only woman in Japan, feel her wrath. Chris with Bordan follows, talking about how exceptional he is, how he broke a record in one task, and therefore he is the greatest human being to ever enter this process, except possibly Tuan from Series 2. Maybe. Next in this little montage is The Other One again, this time with Joanna, who is clearly

cracking up inside for real. She’s asked what she thinks The Other One should tell Lordalan tomorrow in the SUPER-ULTIMATE-FINAL-BOARDROOM! She says that he should tell him that he’s a decent person who may not be as good on paper as some other people, but they all went out in week one and week two and SHE’S STILL HERE! Yeah, I don’t know how well the “I’m Still Here!” thing is going to play Joanna. Most of your competitors are in fact “still here” (cept Stubaggs already, who’s out the door and just doesn’t know it yet). He’s not about to change his mind and hire Paloma. Anyway, with the right training, Joanna can do ANYTHING. Cept probably advanced particle physics. Probably. By this stage.

Next up, Stubaggs meets with Boring Bordan, and this is officially the Big Stubaggs Lie, and also the most boring stretch of episode imaginable, so I’m not going to recap it. Suffice it to say, Stubaggs has claimed he has some sort of telecoms licence, and he doesn’t, but he has one that has a name a bit like it, but not, and he blags a lot and looks awkward and tries to schmooze Bordan and fails (but not 100% it has to be said) and the whole thing’s undercut slightly by Bordan saying that ISP standing for Internet Service Protocol, which even I know it doesn’t and yeah,

here’s a picture of Joanna’s Working Class Face Of Low Self-Worth Displayed To The World As Defensiveness as that’s a lot more fun, and plays into my middle-class guilt a lot better than a load of technical guff about licences for fibre-optic broadband in the Isle Of Man.

INTERVIEWING ENDS!

Out in the Holding Pen Stubaggs I think knows the gig is up, and just says that Bordan is a very nice man in the hope that somehow, some way, he gets Claire Young’d into a secondary role with Viglen somewhere. Joanna interviews about how devastated she’d be to be fired at this stage, with the slightly glazed look of someone who’s just been ransomed out of pirate bondage. Stubaggs continues to waffle on about how there’s nobody in the world quite like Stubaggs (thank God) and then Stella finishes us off by beaming that she’s got to get to that final, and then win, and then the real FUN can start. Glory be.

INTERVIEWEES FEEDBACK TIME!

Next day now, and all the candidates are sat around in the lobby

looking mucho glum indeed, as they are well aware that St Margaret, Claude, Bordan and The Other One are currently ripping them all to shreds. Well apart from Stubaggs. He just sits there

mouthbreathing.

In the room, the Fearsome Four take their seats and

Bordan asks Margaret if he can borrow one of her nice pens, as he doesn’t have any, just this old one with the ladies whose boobs come out when you click the clicker, and he doesn’t really to be seen on tv using it. Margaret tells him to sod off and buy his own nice pens. Kaen meanwhile gazes upon Margaret,

vaguely terrified, like a Second Wife who’s just answered the door to find the First Wife come to take the kids back for the week an hour earlier than expected. Then Lordalan comes in and everyone welcomes Margaret back and gives her a round of applause

and it gets even more awkward.

We start with Joanna. Margaret likes her, and her can-do spirit in starting up a small business to look after her young children. Claude too, has decided that he’s going to try to mentor Joanna to greatness, saying he really admires her for going out and doing something challenging and different despite her lack of formal education. She doesn’t realise just how successful she is! Maybe Claude should tell her, and open her eyes, and make her cry! It’ll be the feel-good hit of the Summer. We’re then treated to a clip of Joanna snitting

“I don’t no long want to be known as Joanna The Cleaner!”. Well go down the Deed Poll yourself then – jeez it’s not Claude’s fault. It’s like that guy at my Uni who renamed himself Spiderman whilst drunk. You’re the one who’s going to have to fill in the tax returns dear. Claude then decides to go totally Guardian (which is…kind of surprising. Would have had him pegged as strictly FT, maybe a bit of DT myself.) and say that there’s nothing wrong with being a cleaner, and there’s nothing wrong with being Joanna The Cleaner, but she could, if she tried, be Joanna The Cleaner Who Went On A Game Show And Got A Bit Patronised And Used To Make Viewers Cry A Bit. I mean “Joanna The Manager Of A Multinational Cleaning Corporation” or some waffle like that. Woo hoo, Will Smith slow claps and stands up, the crowd follow him, streams fly, EVERYTHING’S COMING UP JOANNA!

Bordan on the other hand thinks she’s a bit of an idiot. Lots of enthusiasm, lots of gumption, doesn’t know what a spreadsheet is. Lordalan fills them all in that when she first entered the process she was a bit

you know, (*face*). Like a bull in a china shop. An elephant in a wig-makers. Nick in a nunnery. He also says that he finds Joanna defensive, and takes every question asked of her as a veiled criticism. ON THIS SHOW? Heaven forfend. Margaret shrugs and says that she likes her anyway.

Chris next, and The Other One is called into service, because apparently he’s not going to say anything off his own back. He starts by saying that Chris has a very impressive academic record, whilst

Margaret and Claude roll their eyes and pull blow-job faces at one another. Straight As at A-Level, First Class degree. But he’s not been in the job market long, and when asked why he left his banking job, he apparently replied that they weren’t adequately recognising his genius. The Other One thinks he showed a constant need for attention and praise and to be told he’s special. Unlike The Other One obviously. He doesn’t even care if you don’t know his name, which is a good job, because in all the years he’s known Lordalan, Lordalan never once told him that he loved him(/well done). Lordalan’s all

of course I didn’t, what am I gay or sumfin? Then everyone has a good laugh about how Lordalan treats his employees like shit ho ho, BACK TO THE DIAMOND MINE FOR YOU BORDAN *whip*

Bordan is next on Chris Bates, and he says he’s just dull really. Monotonous. No personality. He’s done well to get a job with a good bank “in these tough times” (*drink drink drink drink drink*) but he’s jumped from it to do this show. Kaen stares at Bordan’s dissing of her woobie

with a querulous rage not seen since someone pinched her last Rolo. She then goes full Internet Housefrau troll by huffing “Omg i’m SO SURPRISED Bordan, LOL, *passive aggressive roll-eyes smillie*. You don’t know Chris like what I know Chris, I met him round the back of The Apprentice Bates Motel whilst he was having a fag and we chatted for 5 minutes about music and he was super nice, so you are just a jellus hatah!”. Margaret looks to a Production Assistant as if to say

“really? her?”

The Other One then says that Chris might have a stupid voice, but what he says is quite clever, and of course Nick latches onto this and agrees with it, because he said it once, and therefore it must be true. How PERCEPTIVE of The Other One to have spotted it as well. Nick also then says that what is in Chris’ favour is his entrepreneurial streak. I’m so baffled by this that I have to conclude that Nick, like Kaen, just fancies him a bit. In a Boardroom where THREE of them have set up their own business, we are singling out Chris for his entrepreneurial streak? Really?

Anyway Margaret goes for a killer Bitch-Burn to make up for this rollocks, saying that she bets Chris sits at home of an evening and just stares at all his academic achievement certificates.

Bitch-Burn-Margaret!

Jamie’s next, and Margaret

can’t effing stand him. She struggled through being in a room alone with him for 15 minutes, and isn’t really willing to prepare to waste more of her life talking about him now. We’re then dealt a killer clip along the lines of :

Jamie : I’m a key cog!
Margaret : What’s that?
Jamie : A key cog in a…wheel?
Margaret : What sort of wheel?
Jamie : Don’t matter, I’m a key cog.
Margaret : But what does that mean?
Jamie : I’m a cog that’s key!
Margaret : Yes, but what does that mean? What is a key cog?
Jamie : I’m a solid gold tikka!

She was expecting chutzpah, she got awkward shoe-shuffling twaddle. Lordalan huffs a little and gets Nick and Kaen to ascertain to Margaret that Jamie is definitely here for a reason – he was good once! Honest! I think it was somewhere towards the beginning? THE CUULI! That sold…like 50ps worth of stock! Mazin. Kaen spouts some waffle about how Jamie stopped being good because he lost self-confidence and he needs to believe in himself and stop worrying how others perceive him and get his groove back and waffle waffle waffle.

Bordan is asked next

and he says that he doesn’t like Jamie, because he’s always blaming others for his failures. He can’t even take responsibility for his own face. He is in fact the original songsmith behind the hit Shaggy song “It Wasn’t Me”. Even if he accidentally pooed a bit during sex he’d probably blame it on the dog. Everything’s somebody else’s fault. And so on. Claude says that Jamie’s basically a stereotypical property-developer chancer who rode the boom and is now about to crash head-first into the bust, and isn’t really doing much to avoid it, cept bailing out onto a game show. At this point Bordan points out the upside that Lordalan is also an evil Property Developer type, so at least they’re compatible.

Stella next, with Claude praising her for her determination and strong personality, as well as the fact that she’s worked her way up through the ranks of a cut-throat industry, but he doesn’t really see where she fits into Lordalan’s business, because she’s (*roll your eyes in advance here*) too corporate. Bordan then takes this theme to its logical bizarre conclusion, saying that Stella is an Admin Queen, young and sweet, only Thirtyteen. Admin Queen, feel the beat from the fax machine, ooh yeah. You can add, you divide, hiding the boss from his wife, oooh see that girl, watch that screen, digging the Admin Qu…

Where was I? Oh yes, Kaen and Margaret both leap in to say that she’s more than that, Bordan, you twat, just because she reminds you of your first wife who you ditched because you thought you were in with a chance with Kate Walsh last year you sad old man. The Other One then hops in to say that she deserves a chance to shine that the Japanese would never grant her, bloody Japanese. Lordalan

wipes some dribble/dried food from his beard. The show sees fit to show this to us (*shrug*). The Other One goes on to say that Stella is so awesome that she created her own role within the company – that of Chief Stella, in charge of side-eyes and hair-flicks. Nick then says that she’s thoroughly decent, which…I think we all know what that means. About what Nick’s been imagining. And where he’s been doing it. Everyone agrees, Bordan splutters on, and everyone tells him to shut his face, like he’s found his way into the wrong end of the football stand.

Kaen then gives quite a nice speech about how Stella has always been professional, never slagged anyone unnecessarily, responded well to criticism, and is really trying to better herself, which is then all ruined by her tacking “there’s nothing wrong with an ambitious woman” at the end, like anyone was talking about anything even remotely in that ball-park. Margaret’s all

“this bitch…”

Finally…the main event. Stubaggs. An icy silence. Margaret starts, and is clearly not over being called “Margaret”. That is all. Claude next

trying very hard to keep a straight face, saying that Stubaggs is a maverick and a dreamer, and worth considering because he’s got a good technical knowledge of telecommunications. Kaen then throws the bait into the water, saying that if he’s achieved all the things he’s claimed that he’s achieved, then he’s a very credible candidate. (*poke poke poke*)

Bordan seizes the bait, and we run through another round of the Stubaggs Telecom Licence saga, which is still dead-arse dull. Stubaggs claimed to have a Super-Licence, but he doesn’t, he has, like a tv licence or something, which anybody could get, even you Kaen,

(you dull tart). Kaen ironically replies

“why thank you Bordan (you patronising twat)”. The Other One then jumps in with the probably more salient point that he slandered a rival company to the press and Lordalan is all

*waggly eyebrow* over this. Hmmm…

Interviewers go out, Kaen says that Margaret’s looking very tired isn’t she?, candidates come back in.

Chris is first up to bat, and he’s told that the feedback received for him was mixed.

Was he daunted by having Claude yellin his face? Hmm? Did he pee himself a bit like whassisface from last year? Chris says that he thinks that he might have come across as less passionate and ebullient (and desperate) than he perhaps is, but he was just being professional and mannered because he was in an interview session. Have on, doesn’t this make him the Kate Walsh? Doesn’t this mean he loses? I’m so confused. We then cover how Margaret suggested that

Chris probably wanks himself to sleep thinking about his grade A in A Level History, and Chris replies that he’s not really got much else going on has he? He’s only just out of University. He’s then asked why he quit his law degree and he just simply says that he

changed his mind, which is surely allowed yes? All his life he’s been told “be a lawyer, be a banker” but he got sick of living for other people, now he’s going to do this for HIM! Good grief Chris, you’re only 24, and you are not in fact How Stella Got Her Groove Back. That’s next week, when you’re stuck alone in a house together. And people call her corporate. SHE’LL SHOW THEM.

Stella next,

not at all sitting there smugly grinning away knowing full-well she’s smoked these clowns at this bit, and she’s told that the interviewers thought she was…wait for it…corporate! Lordalan doesn’t think she can be adaptable, or a self-starter. Stella says that she so has shown that during the process, by beating everyone’s arse hollow at the tasks, and taking on five new things a week that are totally new to her. She says that she thinks Lordalan sees her as someone who can only follow instruction, but that’s wrong. She can totally follow somebody’s instruction to give instruction to others! Nick hops in to say that he thinks that he’s detected that Stella is struggling to expand beyond the narrow confines of her career path. Stella says that’s possibly true, but she can’t add new roles into her job just because she wants to. It’s not like she’s going to get a pay-rise if she starts juggling in meetings. She does what she’s paid to do, and she does it very well.

Joanna next, and she’s told that the message Lordalan got from his interviewers was one of surprise

that she didn’t understand basic business concepts, like profit, margins and what you do with a pen. Joanna says that she’s only 25, and had no direct tutoring in business, and only chose cleaning because it was easy and she’s not even very good at it, so that’s why she’s rubbish at business terminology. Lord, it’s like she’s trying to qualify for the Self-Loathing Olympics. Lordalan asks her why she doesn’t just try to grow her business rather than punting for a job with him that she isn’t really going to understand? Joanna says that it’s because she doesn’t WANT to be a cleaner anymore, she deserves to be a professional woman. Lordalan snits back that he’d maybe want to be a rocket scientist but…and then Joanna just promises that she’ll learn all that business stuff, honest she will.

Next up Jamie is told that some of the interviewers discerned he seemed to always blame others for his failings, and he

erps and is all “well it’s their fault, they asked me the questions”. He denies thinking that his poor academic record is his parents fault, and then gets sucked into bitching about poor business partner again, who just meets clinets and takes them round properties and closes deals, the SHIRKER. Lordalan then moves on to talk about the Cyprus property market (this AND telecom licences in the SAME EPISODE? Lordalan, you are really spoiling us), highlighting it as an obvious opportunity that everybody jumped on a few years ago, which is now crashing and burning. Is Jamie in fact just a copy cat, copy cat, sitting on the doormat, which is now on fire and about to struck by a meteor? Or does he have any long-term ideas of his own? Jamie says that 50% of his competitors have gone bust and he’s STILL HERE Lordalan. Lordalan asks him why he didn’t spread his wings and expand into other markets. Jamie’s all “oh ho ho, I did…. BULGARIA!”

I am so lost. Apparently the Bulgarian property market is a notorious dead end. *shrug*. Lordalan then says it sounds like Jamie is blaming Bulgaria, and Jamie yells and bangs the table and shouts that he

IS NOT! And Lordalan says he is, and Jamie says he isn’t, and back and forth and so on.

Stubaggs to finish and he’s asked how he found the interviews. He replies that he was

surprised just how hostile and probing they were. God Stubaggs, you should have been here when sweaty red-faced Kelmsley was here. He used to scream at people for such egregious crimes as working from home and having aromatherapy as a hobby. Then the licence nonsense rattles on forever, and to be honest I’m barely paying attention and know sod all about any of this, but Stubaggs is sounding FAR more convincing than Lordalan but whatever, Lordalan then turns on him, tells him he’s full of shit,

and he’s sorry that he fired Liz last week because he thought he was going to get much better from Stubaggs (in terms of comedy interview gold) than a load of shit about licences (at least a surprising revelation that he set his school on fire, or doesn’t even have a business, or is in fact 40). YOU’RE FIRED!

You can tell he’s pissed off, because he’s not actually using the rollies on his rolly suitcase. Would that the tourists at Paddington Station were so considerate. (Also you can tell how much Stella’s loving it given that she’s sat next to him and her eyes are flashing like headlamps throughout). In his cab ride, Stubaggs says that he feels that his firing was unfair and what he said has been mis-represented, and to be honest I kind of half believe him but

looking at the scarf I don’t even care.

Back in the room, and Final Four now, and Lordalan makes sure to highlight that this is the Proper Semi-Final and that Stubaggs was never here, by asking for a slab of begging from each of them. Joanna looks

so in the mood for this right now.

Stella (after some poking just to ascertain that he doesn’t want her to deny being corporate, again, for the fiftieth time) says that she’s smart, she’s got a wealth of experience, and she makes things happen. She’s made her whole adult life happen, from nothing. She’ll do the same for his companies. Jamie says “breaking barriers” about seventy times, and frankly needs to have come up with a better “USP/take-home message”, and earlier. Joanna says that she’s raw and she gets it (every night on channel 981), and she wants this so badly, and she knows she has a bad CV and hates herself and is ashamed of everything she’s ever done, but please put her in a role that she’s blatantly under-qualified for and will hate and see the MAGIC HAPPEN! Chris says that he is shrewd, and driven, and outside of the box and all that. If you added “learny growy learny” in there, you’d have a perfect Final Speech to be honest. I guess we’ll see next week.

Who’s fired first? Well, it’s Joanna naturally, although she gets a “With Regret” and “Sweeping Orchestral Score”, and Kaen opens the door for her, and Nick lays down his jacket over the threshold for her to walk on and Cousin It salutes her as she walks out the door, and instead of a taxi she gets a limousine, and Melissa and…I dunno, Shibby are there to load her suitcases into the trunk, and the limousine then drives off to heaven in a celestial glow ah ah ah ahhhhhh. Most importantly though

she gets an awkward pat on the shoulder for solidarity from Chris as she leaves. Who wouldn’t put up with getting fired for that? I’d put up with Lordalan telling me I was full of shit if it meant that Chris touc…oh wait, I’m typing too much of what’s in my head again aren’t I? It’s all very

emotional anyway.

Oh yea, and Jamie’s getting fired as well.

Bye Jamie. LOL.

FINAL TWO, PEOPLE!

Let’s make it a good one.

Next week?

Karmical retributification.