Strictly Come Dancing 8 – Rise Of The Dance Troupe

If you have a problem, if no-one else can solve it, and if you can find them tucked into a 5 minute slot on the Results show dancing Bollywood around Alesha performing her new bhangra-themed single riding, around on a giant papier-mache elephant with wheels whilst dressed in her living room curtains, then maybe you can hire… the dance troupe.

So today, amidst another unexpected spurt of Strictly news (Artem’s finally sorted his visa out. Brendan has dumped Katya to dance with Natalie. Katya is now probably paired with Artem! Either Kristina is doing some MAJOR cougaring or she’s got Robin, leaving Aliona and Jared to teeny-bop to their hearts content!), the identities of this crack group of dance specialists were revealed to the public at large. Over the next four months, they will waltz, jive, mambo, West Coast Swing, and let’s face it, probably hip-hop their way through many a results show, as we wait to find out on our tender hooks to see whether Anna Wing (seriously running out of ex-Eastenders at this point) can escape the dance-off for the fifth week running.

So, utilising the research techniques of a particularly conscientious Sun reporter (ie I actually put their name into Google, and didn’t just write their nationality in BLOCK CAPS before their name), here’s my look at the sensational six.

Darren Bennett, Position : Leader, Codename : Wiggy

OK, so we all know this one. His cruel axing along with Lilia brought an abrupt end to BENNETT DOMINATION 2010, he won Strictly Come Dancing Series 2 with St Jill of Hafpenny, gayest straight men alive, should probably fire his hairdresser/perruquier. As a winner and Spice-Girl consort he takes on the role of the group’s leader/grizzled veteran with a totally pregnant wife waiting for him back home. He’s got stories man, don’t even ask him. He was there when Jan Ravens and her husband tag-teamed Craig Revel-Horwood with a pool cue, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE HORRORS HE’S SEEN! Hopefully he will lead the dance troupe on to glory and victory, and not die in a horrible blaze during Tahitian Fire-Dance Week.

Ian Waite, Position : Right Hand Man and Expert Weapon Handler, Codename : Twiggy

I guess we know this one as well. To be honest, the second bananas were always my favourite. Tall, glamorous blonde and master of the Samba, Tango and Showdance Slide, Ian prides himself on being versatile. Why, I believe I’ve seen him describe himself on the Internet as such on numerous websites. Whilst he might not be used to squeezing himself out of a tight spot (quite the opposite…), Darren will be sure to be glad to have a strong hand backing him up. The only question is how will he feel about being separated from his most recent partner-in-(dance)-crime-(prevention), a woman almost as tall, blonde and fabulous as he is.

Shem Jacobs, Position : Cocky Young Rookie Fresh Out Of The Academy, Codename : Shemmy Leather

Shem Jacobs is probably the youngest and most inexperienced of all the new dance pros, making him perfect for the role of “impetuous young firebrand who can’t wait to get out there and CRACK SOME HEADS, never mind what these old men have to say about not trying to make tall women jive without a lot of preparation, what could possibly go wrong?” He’s not bad looking , in a slightly off-kilter way, and has extensive experience dancing back-up for minor British celebrities, as evidenced by his show-reel (which doesn’t really feature a lot of his dancing, but which does appear to have Miley Cyrus doing a rap on it), which should serve him well for when he graduates from the dance-troupe academy, fledges his wings, and gets to partner Jacqui McQueen next year. According to his British Pros website page, he’s a talented singer, choreographer, and expert in Ballet, Ballroom, Breakdancing, Contemporary, Disco, Jazz, Latin American, Rock & Roll, Salsa, Tango, Tap, Cha Cha Cha, English Tango, Jazzdance, Modern Jazz, Paso Doble, Quickstep, Rumba, Samba, Slow Waltz, Streetdancing, Tango Argentino, Waltz, AND MODESTY!

Aneta Piotrowska, Position : Youth Liason, Code-Name : Poley

Yes, now that Arlene has gone, our Polish brethren and erm…sistren can emerge blinking into the light, happy that they’re not about to face a torrent of terrible, awful, horrible racial abuse. This one here has apparently won the Polish version of the show : Dancing With Stars And Shake-Mega-Disco with Polish actor Rafal Mroczek. Boo! Krzystzov Wlodarczyz WUZZ ROBBED! Interestingly she is also an ex-partner of Derek Hough (No, no, don’t worry Cheryl, not partner LIKE THAT. Your totally real relationship is totally safe.) and was a presenter on the Polish version of CBeebies. So if she talks down to people in a slightly annoying, twee, patronising manner, don’t worry, she’s not trying to usurp Len as a judge, she’s just going on her training! According to Digital Spy, she also danced with Ola’s old dance-partner before she danced with James, but really, that’s too much soap opera for even me to handle. I hope he swings in on a chandelier with an evil moustache one week and steals her away. She’s won a bunch of competitions, she’s got her wabs out for Playboy, Aneta Piotrowska everybody!

Crystal Main, Position : Blonde, Codename : CRYSTAL MAIN

Seriously, her name is CRYSTAL MAIN. I checked and everything (mostly because I thought it might be Ian Waite’s drag-queen name). Best Strictly Name EVER. Further googling reveals that she has a sister called Jade Main who’s also a dancer, and an adopted Chinese sister called Chow who works in catering. Seriously, I hope she comes out onto the dance-floor actually wearing a crystal mane one week. Just imagine doing a samba in that. Fiercemazing. Anyway, Crystal Main’s credentials are impeccable as a Latin, Ballroom and 10-Dance champion, and she’s also a 7/7 survivor, so respect for that. But most impressively of all? HER NAME IS CRYSTAL MAIN! SERIOUSLY!

Tanya Perera, Position : Mistress of Disguise, Codename : Aussie

Finally, after 8 series, a professional dancer from an ethnic minority on Strictly Come Dancing. The line-up has been lacking in “natural rhythm” for far too long. From the glamorous, beautiful, magical land that brought us Natalie Lowe, Tanya is an expert in accents. She can do Essex, Somerset, Indian, West-Indian and erm…Carribbean. If the dance-troupe ever need to go undercover in a Walkabout, clearly she will be their most valuable member. A 10-dance champion (is it me, or are these dance-troupe people starting to look more qualified than the new main pros?), violinist, pianist, accomplished alto AND featured star in a Nescafe advert, Tanya Perera was clearly that really annoying girl at school, who got to be House Captain, but not Head Girl, because even the teachers found her slightly over-achieving. I hope she and Natalie Lowe get together and have scary, world-eating babies.