Over The Rainbow Week 9 – Three Become Two Become One Becomes Dorothy

It’s an ending, that’s enough.

Previously on Over The Rainbow :

THE WHOLE SERIES! And after all the blood sweat and tears, we are left with three :

Danielle, who knows she can do this and just wants the public to believe in her too

Lauren, who would be the happiest girl on the planet if she were to win that role

and Sophie, who doesn’t want it to be ripped away from her now, because she’s so close and she’s come so far.

Expect a lot of this empty speechifying for the whole episode because hey, it’s the FINAL! That’s what it’s for. Tonight, one of these three girls will win, and that decision is ENTIRELY DOWN TO ME! Oh crap, I didn’t vote. Does this mean nobody is Dorothy? Oh I feel bad now. They’ve put all that work in, and now none of them are going to get the part. Sorry guys. Are we going to have to start this from the beginning again?

Oh wait, plural “you”, never mind, phew. You know this would all be much easier if we were French. LIIIIIIIVE!

The music starts, Graham comes out and, do you know what?

I actually don’t mind his waistcoat this week. It looks a bit like he’s going on safari in a Poirot. Actually the whole set up for this show would make for a pretty fantastic Poirot, even if it would be obvious from second one whodunnit :

Anyway Graham informs us that after 9 weeks of “Ozmania” we’re finally going to crown our winner, with shoes, that “you, and only you” will get to decide, which he tries to sell as an exciting and good and noble thing, but we as a nation also decided on Charlie Bruce to win So You Think You Can Dance? not 3 months ago, so think on. He tells us that the “friends of Dorothy” in the audience are OUT OF CONTROL,

which I wish were true in an orgy-having, finger snapping, occult wedding, human sacrificing True Blood series 2(/West End audience for Mama Mia) kind of way but which in fact is limiting itself to the usual clapping along to the beat and hooting. OUT OF CONTROOOOOOOOL! Also?

MULTI-COLOURED PYRO! That’s it, we’re going to have adjust the Saturday night budgets. The villain in the next episode of Doctor Who (after we get done with the monster in this current two-parter – that stupid Welsh mum one) is going to be a cardboard box with a REALLY SHARP SPRING INSIDE. But the spring only activates when you do a fart. OH THE TENSION!

Anyway, the panel are

dead-excited as well, and Andrew is “in a state of absolute frenzy” which is a mental image I never wanted ever, let alone on a Saturday tea-time. Graham tells us that we started off with thousands (I think it was just eleven Graham, I know it feels like it MUST be thousands) but now we’re down to three. But just in case you missed Amy Legs Diamond, Bronte Barbie, Thingy, Whatshername?, Scouser Jo, The Scottish Vote, Funny Face and You Know, The Black One, Her Mum Was Famous I Think, It’s On The Tip Of My Tongue? here they all are again to a MASH-UP.

/Medley.

They start off doing “Follow The Yellow Brick Road” and then the three finalists parascend from the ceiling on swings covered in roses :

(never change, Andrew Lloyd Webber musical theatre search shows) and I can’t help but notice that Danielle is a little higher than the others the CHOSEN ONE BITCH. From there we move to the second song in the medley – “We’re Off The See The Wizard” and we discover that Sophie’s appearance on the show is paying dividends, as she’s already dating a member of the

Welsh rugby team. Thanks to Charlotte for setting that one up. Graham plays a rainbow coloured fiddle :

(like I said, never change) and then the stage gets flash-mobbed by

creepy little munchkin children wielding giant lollipops and I kind of miss the

fit Tin Man to be honest. This one is WELL-MINGING. Not worth scrubbing myself clean of silver body-paint afterwards AT ALL. Then that stupid “ho ho ho tra la la” song starts and everyone pulls stupid faces and

we are never going to see these scenes again on prime-time television this year unless they made those changes I suggested to the World Cup, so drink it in people.

Graham calls it a super opening, but says he feels cheated at the lack of Flying Monkeys. If they’d swung Graham The Flying Monkey across the stage mid-way through that would have been amazing, although obviously Sophie would stop singing in shock and Lauren would run straight into the arms of her mother crying. Only Danielle would carry on stoically, thus PROVING THAT SHE SHOULD BE DOROTHY! But yes, this is the evening we’ve ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, WHEN A WEST END STAR IS BORN! Of course cursed by the fates for such grandiosity, we then cut to the three girls

milling around not having a clue where they’re supposed to be. ELAINE PAIGE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEHAVED LIKE THIS! SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND HER MARK IN MILLISECONDS!

Anyway, at the end of this show we’ll be losing one girl (hmm…I wonder who) and then later on, in the ACTUAL PROPER FINAL BIT, the winner will be crowned. Graham then reminds us that said winner will not be Steph, as she placed the penultimate pair of shoes on the

shoe-delier last week and sodded off to be in The Lion King or something. She met her death via sing-off, but there won’t be any of that nonsense tonight, as all of Andrew’s power is gone. So the rest of “Tell Me On A Sunday” will remain a blissful mystery to me.

And now, introducing our panel :

Sheila, who is as ferocious as a lion, but underneath she’s just a pussycat

John, who is as shiny as the tin-man, but deep down he’s as magnetic as aluminium

and Charlotte who is… well she’s Scarecrow right down to her very core isn’t she?

Andrew as well, but they play that horrible little erectile dysfunction “SPROING!” noise to announce his newly powerless arrival, which always squicks me out a little, so I’m going to gloss over it.

Oh yeah, and tonight we’re going to find out which of the dogs is going to be Toto one time. I KNOW YOU’RE ALL ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT FOR THAT ONE! Anyway, the lines are now open, and then they’ll be shut in 40 minutes, at which point someone (really, it could be anyone) will be sent home in third place, and then they’ll be opened again, and then they’ll be shut again, and we’ll declare the winner. Nick Knowles will be in there somewhere timeline wise, but as I said, let’s not dwell.

First though, we’re told that Andrew invited the girls round to his great big mansion to show them the lifestyle that they can expect as the fourth Mrs Lloyd Webber. Oh, did he not mention that was in the contract? You girls really should read those things more carefully.

Anyway LOOK, LOOK

LOOK AT ANDREW’S HOUSE! Isn’t it simply gha…magnificent? The theme from Dallas plays, as all the girls get

soap-opera style intros. Andrews does as well, but who really needs to see three of his face at one time? Not me that’s for sure. Danielle’s is dull, Lauren’s is amazing, and Sophie’s brain appears to be exploding out of her head in that riding helmet. We learn instantly that, since Bronte Barbie and Jessica have gone, Sophie was feeling powerful lonely in the evenings, but she’s finally summoned up the courage and asked Danielle and Lauren to join her in a

JACUZZITIME LESBIAN THREE-WAY (COME ON GOOGLE HITS!). And Lauren has introduced her to the wonderful world of water jets. This is what you get when you ask the older, more experienced girls to join in.

The girls all stomp around Andrew’s palatial estate, and get their own little vapid final cliche mini-clips. Sophie gazes longingly out of a dovecote

as “just a small town (of Wales) girl” booms out my tv speakers as yes, we are playing “Don’t Stop Believing” for the billionth time on tv this year. Song’s about a hooker producers. Seriously. Lauren then

fingers some gerboras and talks about her dream, and Danielle

wanders through a field, blissfully unaware that Sheila is waiting just below eye-line. I don’t think we get to see inside Andrew’s palatial mansion at any point, which is a shame, as I’m sure that parts of the Internet were gleefully awaiting getting to see Lee Mead being forced to tidy up the bedrooms in a French Maid uniform (seriously people, examine your contracts carefully).

Back in the studio, Graham chats with Andrew some more about how the moment of ascension is almost at hand, and a WHOLE CAREER is at stake here (let’s check in with Connie Fisher…), and as what happens now is SO important (as though all the Sophie and Danielle multi-voters haven’t parked themselves in the area of best mobile reception regardless of whether they can hear the telly) they’re letting Andrew himself choose the girls songs. That’s right Blindfolded Dart-Throwing Song-Choice Monkey, you’ve got the night off. Rest assured after Andrew’s performance tonight, they’re still going to need you next series to give the prospective phantoms “Dub Be Good To Me” to sing.

Andrew then praises the amazing production team, as Lauren’s mum reaches for her water.

That’s what I’m capping. Lauren’s mum reaching for her water. Nothing at all to do with her Not Unattractive Brother/Not Unattractive Boyfriend being sat right there. No sir. He also quacks on about how incredibly talented the remaining Dorothys are, and how he’d be proud to present any of them at the London Palladium, they’re all winners, yadda yadda no they aren’t, but the important thing to remember is that we’re looking for a Dorothy who can sing, dance, act, hold a stage, handle a dog, have a sense of comedy, bring something new to the role whilst at the same time evoking the spirit of Judy Garland, who can ignore soft-toy monkeys being swung at their faces, who knows to go to the green tent not the yellow tent, walk down stairs in heels, not burst out laughing and pointing when Arlene Phillips walks into the room, be witty and truthy and never presentational, fend off Sheila Hancock’s…attentions, give it some welly from the belly and control their vibrato (that’s the wobbly bits in their voice) whilst also listening to what they’re singing, muck out pigs, do mash-ups MASH MASH MASH, breathe fire and fire a ping-pong ball out of their cooch.

NEW EDGY PORNOGRAPHIC DOROTHY!

First up on the performance front? It’s Sophie. And in the time-honoured lameoid tradition of Monkseal finale recaps, I’m telling her story via the medium of a fairytale, because the VTs are as trite and full of the word “journey” and “rollercoaster” as they normally are in the final.

Once upon a time, in the little village of Wales, there lived a firey red-headed girl by the name of Sophie Evans. Sophie wasn’t like the other girls in the village, content to spend all day running the loom, running errands for Farmer Powys, and wenching in the local inn. No, Sophie spend her days dreaming of becoming a famous actress, so that she could fund fresh running water for the homes of every villager. As it was, the men of the village had to carry fresh water back from the well every day, placing such a premium on it that girls had to take baths three at a time. Nobody would listen to Sophie, apart from her beloved Grandfather, who tried to help Sophie fulfil her dream, by murdering everybody who got in her way.

But still, Sophie’s dreams of stardom went unfulfilled, as all the acting work was in That London, and the village donkey was old, and could only carry her as far as Chester and a role in Hollyoaks would bring so much shame on the village that she would no doubt be burned as a witch. One day, a travelling minstrel told tales of an audition for the role of Dorothy Gale, a liberated woman of the far-off future, and Sophie was so inspired by this pioneer woman, that she decided to audition when the men from outside set up auditions at the village hall. And audition she did, and so she got through, and from there her life was a non-stop buzz of new experiences – metal birds that flew on wheels, little plug-in boxes with people inside them doing shows all day long, and things called homosexuals and black people, which they didn’t have back home, or at least not that she’d heard of.

As her competition fell one by one, Sophie realised that she really could make her dream come true, and provide her home village of Wales with the stable future, free of pox, cholera, and Black Death, just like she promised. Just wait til they heard that Henry VII was no longer king! There was but one step left to take, but with her grandfather, and his pack of hunting dogs at hand to attack anyone thinking of voting for Danielle using one of those tiny shiny talking matchboxes, she knew she could do it.

Back to reality now, and Sophie takes to the stage, to sing “Tomorrow” from Annie (is this becoz she is a ginger?), in an arrangement with weird Bacharachy horns all over it for some reason, on a stage being drenched in dry ice to a frankly terrifying degree, whilst stood on

one of those revolving cake-trays. It’s like she’s a prize on The Price Is Right or something. The son’s very sweetly sung, and very LOUDLY sung, and I’m glad that Sophie is getting some sort of second wind here right at the end of the competition, because if she’d made it all the way to second place on the virtue of her early-round stuff then…no. But this is perfectly fine, although I think she’s still not really acting with her eyes.

Maybe they should get Tyra Banks  in to help her out. Also, when it’s time for her to get off the rotating cake-tray she totally has to

look at her feet on the way down, and I still don’t think she’s really stage-ready yet although, as we’re told repeatedly again and again forever, this show isn’t even being staged for another 15 years or something anyway, so there’s plenty of time. Oh and she either biffs the last note totally, or tries to do acting with it, and did nobody tell you Sophie? The final is when all the casuals vote. They voted for Leon Jackson. Let’s not over-think this shall we?

Charlotte status?

Making plans for Eurovision already.

The numbers whizz past our faces, as Graham asks Sophie if she thinks she’s changed in any way over the course of the competition. She is 17 Graham, that is an age for it. Sophie says that she’s both the same girl from the village of Wales she always was, but also a totally new person, bigger, who can sing dead loud and stuff. It is at this point that Graham reintroduces the whole concept of those mentors, that the girls went to see so long ago, all of whom have apparently recorded a video message for the girls. I’m so sorry that Dani isn’t still there, so we’re not going to one from Melc. It would have consisted of the word “Who?” and a whole lot of silence I would imagine.

Anyway, Truthy Henshall has recorded a message

from her hotel room on Broadway. She says that she’s very proud of Sophie, that she’s grown, and that she’s already a winner for having made this far and by being so talented. Although she was blatantly expecting to be speaking to Stephanie at this point. Or Jessica. You can just tell.

Sheila first for the panel, wearing the

Great Barrier Reef, and saying that Sophie has an old fashioned glamour and allure. Not waggy and blingy and VACUOUS AND SLAGGY AND POPPY LIKE THAT PIXIE LOTT THING! She says that Sophie was a little tight and Head Girlish to begin with. Odd. The Head Girl at our school was anything but ti (*removed for libel purposes*). But now she’s really come through and the way she lived that song was amazing. Diet Barrowman (who not two weeks ago said she was too small a performer to fill a theatre) praises her for her huge charisma and how she conveys the yearning of a farm-girl wanting a better life. He cops to having been her harshest critic up til now, but he’s so proud of her, and thinks that Wales truly has a winner in her tonight. Also there’s some stuff about football, but eh?

Charlotte scores some big reality tv points by saying “journey” about five times in relation to Sophie and saying that there’s just something about her

face that’s so emotive that Charlotte wants to believe her more than any of the other girls. Also, as designated Spokesperson for Wales, she believes that Wales will be proud of her tonight. If you turn up your speakers very loud, you can hear Sophie’s grand-dad shouting “YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN’T VOTE FOR HER DID YOU, YOU SHRIEKY BINT! GET OUT OF WALES AND DON’T COME BACK!”

Andrew to finish, and he says that it’s a massive coincidence that the two biggest songs for a young girl in musical theatre are sung accompanied by a dog.

Eh, DOG PROPAGANDA gets everywhere these days. Sophie’s told that if she wants the part, she’s going to have to work on her dancing a little bit, but other than that she’s a very strong contender, and all the panel are very proud of her, like they did this or something. Like they wouldn’t have booted her IMMEDIATELY if she’d ended up with anyone in the bottom 2 other than Emilie or probably Amy Diamond.

Next up?

Once upon a time, there was a little monster who lived under a bridge. Of all the monsters that lived under the bridge she was the most confident, and so her family had proudly dubbed her Confident Monster, which they thought was a much more exciting and punchy name to take into the world than the rest of her family : Not Unattractive Monster, Social Anxiety Monster, and Colour Co-ordinated T Shirt Monster. But the rest of the world didn’t see what Confident Monster’s family saw. They got sick of her keeping a tally of all their dirty dishes, stealing all their candy floss to make HILARIOUS FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN moustaches, and talking about that one time she met Charlotte Church.

So the other monster families hatched a plan. They’d encourage Confident Monster to audition for the role of Dorothy Gale, a girl a whole 10 years younger than her in front of the Noble Andrew Lord Eyebags. Surely her relatively advanced years, plus the hearing defect she’d picked up from all the carts trip-trapping over her bridge to the village of Wales, would mean she was laughed out of Andrew’s palatial country-mansion complete with jacuzzi, dovecote, and sing-off dungeon? Surely then she would be less of a Confident Monster and they could all get some sleep?

So off Confident Monster went at the slightest encouragement, packing her Relatively Expensive Double Quilted Eye-Make-Up Removal-Pads in her suitcase, full of Confidence that to the untrained eye might look like arrogance but really really wasn’t. And lo and behold she passed the audition! And she kept on passing auditions, getting closer and closer to the role, and proving those mean Unconfident Monsters back home wrong. But could she do it? Or would her Confident nature undermine her in the end?

Back to the non self-indulgent (you know…comparatively) world of the show now, where Lauren is going to sing “I Could Have Danced All Night” or, as it might as well have been titled “I Could Have Given Lauren A Song That Suits The Part She’s Auditioning For, But As We Know She’s Going To Finish Third, I’m Going To Let Her Show Off Her Soprano So She Can Get Work Elsewhere SO THERE”. Although, harrumph, for a girl who’s supposedly the most professional of the three there, that hasn’t stopped her

FALLING ASLEEP BEFORE HER BIG NUMBER! WAKE UP, YOU MUPPET!

Anyway, her performance is done, appropriately enough for the song, constantly on the edge of a giggle, which is kind of impressive but also kind of…annnoying? To be honest, I find most musical theatre kind of itchily annoying in the same very minor way, so that’s actually probably a compliment and I don’t even know it. Vocally it’s great, and completely different to every other performance we’ve seen thus far this series, apart from the ever welcome

presence of some zombie male dancers obviously. Acting wise, after breaking through a little in her sing-off last week, well….

“head”

“begged”

“spread my wings”

So yeah, not so much. She finishes on a massive note, and gives it Lauren Confident Monster

Massive Note Face and whilst it’s a little flat/sharp/whatever, and a little bit wobbly, I feel like this is Lauren, in her own slightly inhibited Laureny way, getting as close as she could to “going like Rachel”. Like, I know this is my final moment, so I’m going to do something grandiose and silly and amazing with it. And so she did.

As she walks over, Graham waggles at her all “I don’t know much, but I know that that was a very high note”. You should have heard the one she did when she discovered that her relatively expensive double-quilted eye-make-up removal pads had gone. He asks her if Andrew saving her three times, “more than the other two girls” has made her more determined to win the role, or if she just wants to curl up in a little ball and cry. She says the former, unsurprisingly, and says she hopes the public can see that she could be their Dorothy. Her mentor video is next from

Sheridan Smith, who is, as the star of Two Pints, used to having to publicly support something that has been rejected by the general public many, many times. Of all the mentors she seems to be the one who most remembers who the person she’s actually speaking about is, so good for her.

Diet Barrowman to start, and he does so by telling Lauren that she is definitely not the most unpopular girl on the face of the planet.

I know that that was in response to something she said in the VT whilst I was waffling on about magical trolls or whatever, but there’s “faint praise” and then there’s “praise you can only see if you hold it up a wax-burning candle”. Everyone in the audience of course rapturously applauds the fact that there are human girls alive who are less liked than Lauren. His pen

says that this competition is about finding a leading lady, and Lauren comes out every week and shows she is ready. If it was in charge, it would have cast her weeks ago. Would have made it quite difficult for the BBC that, Diet Barrowman’s Pen. They only have so many repeats of The Good Life they can show before someone would realise something was up.

Charlotte follows, saying that Lauren undoubtedly has the best voice in the competition, and every week she’s been a little bit enamoured of all her performances. Although apparently she is embarrassed to admit it. I think “enamoured” means something slightly different to what Charlotte thinks it means. This comes from the woman, lest we forget, who said that “The Man Who Got Away” was the best thing she had ever seen ever. Sheila next and she says that in the beginning she thought that Lauren was all “eyes teeth and tits” and then realises she just swore, and then says “excuse me, I don’t care, the show’s finished, they can’t sack me”

Amazing. That is right up there with Bruno telling Arlene that the hills were alive with the sound of her bullshit. She says that she thinks that the constant rejection that Lauren got has done her good, as it’s taught her to emote properly, as demonstrated by that last note, which was one of pure witty joy.

Graham tells everyone to not swear no more and Andrew finishes by saying that that was (or should have been) the first top b flat that he’s heard on any reality show. Yeah, take THAT Simon Cowell. This apparently proves that he was right to save her, and he then tells the story of how he heard Lauren doing soprano at some unspecified point, and then decided she simply MUST do soprano on the show. Lauren is then called a producers dream some more, and generally bigged up on her way out the door.

We’re told that later we will see a Toto coronation (oh joy), that all the eliminated Dorothys will be back for a reprise), and also the finalists will “battle it out for our votes with the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion”. I’m voting Tin Man, don’t know about you. Only if it’s the fit one though obviously.

Last up, it’s Danielle Hope.

Once upon a time, in Victorian England, there was a very quiet, serious, grave girl, named Danielle Hope. All the ladies of the town said that she was so grave, serious and quiet, that she reminded them all of Miss Zeta-Jones. After all, who could be more grave, serious, quiet and demure than the girl who won an Oscar for flashing her gusset in the theatrical production Chicago, and also had been seen accompanying noted man of probity Mr Jonathan Leslie. Rather than gallivant about town, Danielle sat in her room all day, adding to her shelf of theatrical gewgaws, which was overburdened with three postcards, a programme, and some one line of lyrics from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, dreaming of the day she could expand to two.

But Ms Hope was burdened with a dark secret. She was not quiet and grave and serious because she was inherently of an introverted countenance. No, twas because she was afflicted with a terrible curse. Ms Hope’s father had been a big game hunter in the darkest jungles of Africa, and one day, whilst on safari, he potted an elephant. Unfortunately, said elephant turned out to be the sacred animal of the Lesmis tribe, and so a curse was placed on Mr Hope’s first born child. Whenever she tried to say a certain word, it would emerge from her as the sound of that great sacred dying animal.

So Ms Hope spent days up, in her room, scanning theatre scripts for that one that would allow her to expand her special musical theatre shelf to a whole TWO SHELVES. The one that did not contain the dread word… “pretending”. Months and months she spent perusing pages when finally, every half decent role exhausted, and her eyes worn to the point where she needed to constantly inhale huge amounts of air through her nostrils to keep them aerated, she found the part amidst a pile of those no sensible girl would ever want to play. Dorothy Gale. This was her chance.

Unter the tutelage of her slightly over-invested teacher Mistress Hancock, who kept on asking her to do singing practice whilst sat on her knee for some reason, Danielle tried out for the part. Now if only she could get all the way through the process without the dread word rearing its head, that second shelf would be hers. Dare she dream that her carpentry wishes could come true?

Back in the real world, and away from those silly segments til the end of Strictly, out marches Danielle.

Kind of literally. I love how insouciant she is about it. Like

“that’s right bitches, I’ve got a big STUPID baton, this is going to be idiotic, let’s just get on with it shall we?” She’s singing…76 Trombones?! What? Now when this happened it sent me into a massive tailspin all “…hang on, maybe they didn’t always want her to win, maybe IT WAS SOPHIE! OH MY GOD IT’S BEEN SOPHIE ALL ALONG!” like the end of Planet Of The Apes or something, but then I realised that it’s ANDREW. He probably thinks this song is amazing and is the natural choice to deliver her the victory and will probably be declared the new National Anthem tomorrow.

So yeah, she stomps around yelling about cornets and weeds and god knows what like a Hitler Youth Dance Party

and generally coming off as a two-episode 60s Batman villain far better than Steph managed to in Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend, but frankly I’m too busy being incapacitated with laughter that this is what Andrew chose to showcase her to her best advantage. Just by contrast Simon on American Idol last week backed his favourite with a gospel choir and sparkly lights and singing Hallelujah. Andrew had his stomp around like Nellie The Elephant doing an oompah song from a musical nobody’s ever heard of.

This of course is why the Andrew shows are far much more fun to watch than the Simon ones.

She deserves to win for not marching over to him mid-number and cracking him over the head with that darned thing.

Danielle oompahs over to Graham who asks her how much it means to get this far. She says that it’s amazing to think that three months ago she was just another girl in school, and now she’s HERE. She says that this show has truly been her education. She’s learnt how to be witty, how to be truthy, how to distract Sheila Hancock with a raw piece of meat before she pounces, how you can’t feed Charlotte after midnight or get her wet, and also how Diet Barrowman gets that…distinctive shade. So if this whole musical theatre thing fails, she can always sell that particular trick to the US government for use in chemical warfare.

Next up, her video from her mentor,

Tamsin Outhwaite. Or, perhaps more accurately, given the general frantic tone of “I always knew it was you, you’re fantastic, you’re amazing, you’re brilliant, go for it kid”,

Tamsin Outhwaite. You can tell she just wants to yell “don’t do it girl! It’s a shit business! Become a teacher instead! And not a bloody drama teacher”

John first for the panel, and he brags that as soon as he heard Danielle in the Hackney Empire he said she was a contender. That reminds me, are we going to get any GRINDROD up in this business this evening? He was a major part of the show, given that he did 95% of the early heavy lifting. Has he at least got a seat in the audience? Is he playing the Cowardly Lion? JUSTICE FOR GRINDROD OUR PRINCE OF HEARTS! He says that since then she’s never disappointed him (apart from last week when he told her she had had an off night) and that she is “what this show is all about” (*drink*)

Sheila next, and she praises Danielle fulsomely for her witty acting interpretation truthy skills, but really I’m too busy being distracted by the fact that her hand is like this the whole way through

like she’s air-groping Danielle’s right boob. Which…I’ve made enough jokes at Sheila’s expense in that vein as it is thus far, so I’ll leave it up to you. Grave, solemn, subtle, witty, that song was not amazing enough for her Catherine Zeta Jones majesty.

Andrew finishes (bypassing Charlotte) by saying that he disagrees with Sheila because that song IS witty,

it IS. Sure it is Andy. SURE IT IS. Also we the public (not that he wants to lead us you understand) are told expressly to remember that she did some DANCING in that performance. *nods sagely*. Well now I HAVE to vote for her. He tells her that she is fit to follow in the footsteps of Liza Minnelli, Judy Garland (who?!) and Sheila Hancock. No, he does, he actually says Sheila Hancock. Not to diss Sheila Hancock but…

Next up, more footage of what happened when the girls went to Andrew Mansions. I’m guessing without the night-vision footage of them running around the gardens in their nighties being chased by a “ghost”(/naked Andrew with a sheet over his head). Although for one glorious moment

I do think he’s going to chase them around the grounds on his golf buggy, hunting them down like “The Most Dangerous Game”. First up for some special alone time with Andrew is

Danielle, getting her legs out and doing her hair like Sarah Brightman’s like she knows what’s good for her. They talk about how she’s never ever ever done an audition before apart from for school plays and stuff and how it is therefore incredible that she is in the top three (untapped talent untapped talent meme meme meme). She also utters the immortal “five year old at a birthday party” line “thank you for having me”. Bless her. There’s also been a lot of talk about how she has a dog in shot for her segment whereas for

Lauren and Sophie it’s disappeared, and therefore we are being SUBLIMINALLY INFLUENCED to see her as being good with dogs ie Toto but frankly I like to believe that these things were shot in the order they’re shown and that Andrew, as a fellow cat man, picked the thing up after the first shoot and drop-kicked it halfway across the lawn.

Not really, violence to animals is very bad and no laughing matter etc etc don’t try this at home.

Anyway, Lauren is told to forget everything she’s ever been taught, because standards and professionalism and learning are all BAD AND WRONG. She then says that this little confab has filled her with confidence and prepared her for Saturday’s grand finale. Hooray! CONFIDENT MONSTER IS BACK!

Sophie is also

displaying her best assets for a visit with Andrew, and tells him that she never expected to get this far in a million years. Her asks her why, and she says “erm…because everyone else was better than me?” in not so many words, but she’s flattered that the public think she’s just as good as the other girls on the show. Andrew tells her that she IS good, and that he knows that she can be Dorothy if she can just come out of her shell. Sophie interviews afterwards that she too has been filled with confidence by Andrew.

OH MY GOD, NOW THERE’S TWO CONFIDENT MONSTERS! THIS IS GOING TO BE LIKE GODZILLA VS MECHA-BOOBIE-GODZILLA ALL OVER AGAIN!

Next up, a recap of the performances from so far this evening. Sophie just thinking about tomorrow when she’s going to return to the village of Wales and tell them all about X-Boxes and the Internet and indoor plumbing ; Lauren declaring that she could dance all night, if that’s what we want, sure, fine, make it like They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, winner gets to be Dorothy, how about it, best out of three? ; Danielle stomping and yelling.

Next up,

a very Special Performance from Girls Aloud with Jessica dressed as the Cowardly Lion.

*looks closer*

Oh no wait, it’s the finalist girls singing “If I Only Had The Brain/Heart/NOYVE” but with the actual correct words, which just sound wrong to me now. Lauren gets the first part, and is alright in conjunction with the sundry mythological creature cast, but does at times come across a little

patronising and school marmy for a kids show.

CONFIDENT MONSTER FOR STRICTLY 2010!

Danielle next, getting all the Tin Man relevant lines, and he and I are officially on a break after he blatantly

checks out her cleavage. Oi! Tin Man! Show a bit of decorum! The old Fit Tin Man never would have done that. Danielle has maybe more of the youthful energy required for the song than Lauren does, and acts the song a little better, as well as moving around the stage freely. To be honest of the three, I think she did best here.

Sophie closes us out, palling around with her partner in ginger the Cowardly Lion. To be honest, I don’t think the booming quality of her voice really suits these more conversational bouncy numbers, and she’s definitely the weakest mover of the three (at one point where she’s imitating a dinosaur she gets perilously close to Tegan style skanking), so this sort of thing was never going to be her strong suit. Also that Lion is a total scene-stealer.

Andrew status?

Pick pick pick

Over to the panel, and we rather swiftly run through Sheila saying Lauren was fantastic at interacting with all the animals and scarecrows and whatever the heck there is in the Wizard of Oz, a singing, dancing fridge who cares?

Charlotte saying that Danielle is one of the most remarkable talents to come out of any of these reality shows

her and Same Difference, and that Charlotte would pay good money to see her on stage, and Diet saying how remarkable it is that Sophie can now polka around like a pro after struggling to even get down the stairs in week one.

Andrew finishes by saying that those performances were so amazing that they made him purr. Ew

Any of them could be Dorothy, let’s move on.

To the…Toto search. Yay. Graham tells us all that the nation has gone “Toto-ly Nuts” for it

but now the hour is at hand. Yes! We’re going to find out who’s going to play Toto for that one-off gala performance that everyone is just DYING TO SEE. Who’s going to win? All the dog owners talk about their animals as though they’re people, and we get to the crux of the matter. WHO WILL IT BE? Chosen ONE BITCH FEM-WHORE Missy? Dave with his eyebrows? Eddie the pug? Spider the beagle who will charge off into the orchestra pit and never be seen again five seconds after the show starts? Boring Troy? Against all the odds ZOMBIE DOGG? (JUSTICE FOR ZOMBIE DOGG!). After some deliberation with Andrew in an abandoned cinema, the crack Toto team of La Prenj, Wincey Willis, and Les McQueen from Creme Brulee come to the obvious decision. That’s right, as expected our Toto is :

PRENJ!

Oh no, wait, it’s this one.

The little black fuzzy one. Him. Dave one. Him is Toto. Can we get back to the girls now?

We can, just as LINES CLOSE! Ooooh. Get ready to count and verify all those Lauren votes backstage people! Whilst that happens, hey you guys, were you wondering what happened with the eliminated Dorothys? I know I was. Turns out they’ve mostly been

bothering Sheila. God, it’s like when you dump someone and they believe you when you say you still want to be friends. They’re also there to see Sister Act, the play what Sheila is in (for all of about 5 seconds from what I’ve heard) so I would imagine that Steph snuck off through a side door whilst Bronte Barbie droned on to her about her summer stock auditions in order to hunt down a producer. Canny girl. Jenny talks a little bit about how after seeing Sheila on stage, suddenly all of her criticisms make sense. Really? Are they pumping PCP into the theatre?

Sheila tells us all that she hopes that all the girls have a really well mapped out plan for the future, so they can leave her the hell alone. Emilie has a scholarship for a Music Theatre Course (*leaves WELL ALONE*) although I do take back everything bad I said about

Lauren’s posture last week, Steph has some auditions lined up, Stephanie has an agent (and a range of pasta sauces, and a show on Living, and a column in Closer and…come on, you know it’s happening), and Dani looks

massively enthusiastic about doing her A Levels. Weren’t they AS Levels before? Is she that much of an intellectual that she just skipped AS Levels? They are pretty pointless to be fair.

Bronte Barbie whitters on about how great it is to have a friend in the industry who she can turn to for advice whenever she needs it, as Sheila

surreptitiously puts her number on her “screen calls” list. She signed up to be a judge-mentor Bronte Barbie, not to field calls from you at 3am about how Ken’s been looking at Skipper in that way again, and you’re thinking of leaving your Malibu Dream House to come and stay with her for a bit if that’s alright?

After Sheila gets bored, she hauls out some other cast members to distract the girls whilst she goes off for a wee, including

Postman Pat Background Character Nancy Amy Booth-Steel. Truly she is Bella Lasagne’s long lost daughter. She tells the girls that Andrew Lloyd Webber is a marvellous man, and his are the best reality tv talent searches that she’s ever been to. Sheila returns to say she really wanted to show the girls examples of successful actresses who are finding work, prompting Jessica to give crazy intense eyes right down the camera about how she wants to be successful like that one day.

And possibly a little bit more. Dani

looks vaguely terrified by Sheila’s promises to “follow them” and “keep in contact”, possibly in the manner of the killer from Scream and Stephanie finishes by saying that if anyone wants to audition for the show, she’d recommend they do it again and again and again and again. Maybe bring your clown-make-up cousin to hide behind as well.

So yeah, here are all those loser girls again

sprawled all over sparkly things singing “Empire State Of Mind”. Amy starts in too low, Bronte Barbie’s fine, and very Bronte Barbie, Dani’s hair is a mess hotter than the surface of the sun

but she remains, (and I try to keep this under wraps for as long as possible in each series I recap because it just causes fights) for whatever reason, my favourite. I love her ridiculous massive singing voice and her huge hair and her moon-face and her song acting, and how she dances like a jelly sat on a washing machine and her pointing, and how she murdered Danielle dead in that sing-off and forgot all her lines in front of Sheila and didn’t even care and I love her mildly annoyed parents, and how she was the only girl to escape from Melc unscathed, and… well everything really. Anyway, meanwhile, whilst eliminated Emilie apparently saw Danielle make a decent snatch for her previously held crown of “Worst Note All Series” in On My Own, and is here to say

Hands Off Bitch. Stephanie’s perfectly capable, and then there’s some nice harmonising, and a great big horrible clunk into the chorus, so big and horrible and clunky that I’m worried we’re about to veer into a mash-up of this and “New York New York” and Jessica is actually going to BECOME Liza Minelli before my very eyes. But no, we are back on safe territory.

Very very safe familiar territory indeed. DON’T STOP POINTING! HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING! Jenny tries to put her new understanding of Sheila’s teachings into practice, Jessica

doesn’t, so much. Steph is a bit outside her range, but she cries so

is clearly the best. TRUTHINESS UBER ALLES!

Now, after that inspirational message of hope, it’s time for another girl to join the cast of Alicia Keys : The Musical. I hope she takes rage at being eliminated and climbs up the sparkly thing representing the Empire State Building, clutching a screaming Emilie in her gigantic paws. You know, whoever it might be. Graham reminds us that Andrew has no power at this point as he’s all

“alright, alright, don’t rub it in”. Graham references that there’s no place like home, but apparently none of the remaining girls want to go there tonight. Why? Is there a ghost or something?

All the girls are lined up in the Dorothy photo pen, with Danielle clearly thinking

“right, if Stephanie can do this whole “finding her best light” business so can I. She doesn’t even know what a whisk is for. We kept on finding bits of her hair stuck in it”. She’s also

the first to be declared safe, leaving Sophie and Lauren in the not-a-sing-off. Joining her shortly afterwards, to the surprise of absolutely nobody is

Sophie. Apparently having another attack of windypops. Lauren gives her a big old

hug, already thinking “right, where did I leave that gun….”. Fortunately to keep her calm though, she gets a standing ovation, and probably not one started by Baby D. Lauren gives them some proper

Confident Monster face right back, whilst Sophie and Danielle look on

full of pride/rage/trapped wind/the desire to get on with the leaving song so she can slap her thighs like they’re drums again. Lauren says that she’s learnt so much, and made so many exciting new friends she can go to FUN FAIRS AND HAVE FUN with, and also thanks all those backstage people, the hair girls, the make-up boys, and a particular BIG THANKS to all those people who edited her VTs who will be getting a PERSONAL PRESENT from her on their doorsteps in the morning.

Andrew’s asked if he’s surprised, and he says no, because Lauren’s ancient. God, imagine if 42 year old grandmother of five Tasheka were still here. He says that all will be well, because she’s got his phone number and he’s got hers and seriously Andrew, have you seen her boyfriend? You’re not in with MUCH of a chance. He’s then asked if he’s going to say which way he thinks things are going to go next vis a vis Danielle vs Sophie, and, having learnt his lesson from two years ago, he demures to say.

Anyway, now it is the hour when Lauren meets moon. Highlights include

Jessica blatantly trying to stand as close as she possibly can to centre stage without getting moved on.

Them still having the girls sing about Lauren having been ditched completely by Andrew, even though it was the public, and only the public in this instance, although I guess having them sing it direct down the camera would be a bit full on, Sophie copping a

final feel, Lauren full on flashing her knickers directly at the camera (no I’m not doing a picture you perverts), and Sophie doing this

and this.

BYE BYE CONFIDENT MONSTER! May you never go without relatively expensive double-quilted eye-make-up removal pads again!

Lines are opened, but before we find out who’s going to win, we have to sit through Nick Knowles. Joy.

When we return :

we discover that the show has finally reached its full cracked-out potential, as Graham descends from the rafters on a flying bicycle with a little fluffy Toto in his basket, as “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead” (poor Lauren) is played. I don’t know why they just don’t announce Danielle the winner at this moment and have done, because it’s the only thing that could follow that.

Once he dismounts he tells us sniffily that the show couldn’t afford a monkey. Erm, have you met the guy who picks the songs? At any rate, in just over half an hour, this whole affair will be over (*sniff*) and one out of either Danielle or Sophie will be Dorothy, and if it’s the former she will join the elite club of people who have won reality shows despite being in the bottom 2 twice, alongside Fantasia from America Idol and…I think that’s it. There’s not even been an Apprentice winner who’s hit the bottom two more than once.

Exalted company indeed.

We then get a quick, apparently edited together in about 2 seconds, “No, really, I’m fine” interview with Lauren.

She really is fine you know.

Graham then informs us that over the next half-hour, we will hear the girls sing the “iconic” (*drink*) Dorothy song “Over The Rainbow” (I know I haven’t heard THAT enough this series) and also reprise their favourite performance of the series. Frankly at this stage I’d like to see their worst performance reprised, just to see if it was a one-off, or if Sophie really does think that Love Song had all of THOSE notes in it. He then reintroduces us to our beloved

panel, at a fair old clip, and also to Andrew, who is still being accompanied by the cuckoo-clock of erectile dysfunction.

We’re then treated to a recap of all the performances of the evening so far, and if you’re wondering why the results show didn’t merit a separate recap then…yeah, the total lack of new content would be it. Amusingly though we are treated to Sophie being all weepy and overwhelmed after the comments she got for Tomorrow, which have led her to declare that she IS Dorothy. It’s too late to turn back now. Whether she wins or loses she’s going to be playing the role of Dorothy FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. Wow, that is some Miss Haversham level creepy right there. I think the kids of the village of Wales are going to be running past her cottage pretty bloody quickly in about 50 years time. As she yells at them in a gingham dress five sizes too small for her for them to run ask the Lollipop Guild where the Tinman has gone, clutching her giant mangy half-dead tabby cat dressed up in a Cowardly Lion suit. Danielle on the other hand just knows she can play the part. BOO! NOT TRYING! BE MORE MENKLE!

One last trip to the

sofas of meddle now, as Graham finally relinquishes his power to passive-aggressively make these girls make fools of themselves. Sophie is asked if she ever imagined that she’d find herself in the final two, and she says of course not, because she is dead humble. She just entered this competition looking for experience, and boy has she got some experience now.

I’ll say. Danielle is asked how it feels to be in the Final Two, and she goes for the diplomat route of reality tv final cliches rather than the humble one, and says she’s proud of all the girls who made the finals, because they’re all so talented. No wonder they both made the final – they’ve both mastered the art of the benign , flavour-free soundbite.

Now it’s time for our final Dorothy Mission, as both girls were apparently tasked this week with performing Dorothy’s most famous scene (is it the one where she reveals she’s Keyser Soze, or when she gets admitted to the Northern Miners Stripping Troupe despite her lack of rhythm because she has an enormous dong?) to give us all one last insight into whether she could play the part. Oh faddle, that’s almost relevant. This mission is to take place on Andrew’s palatial country estate, as though we haven’t seen enough of that this episode already.

The girls stand in some muddy pen with their Totos and Danielle

checks to make sure it’s a boy dog. From there, they act out the scene where Dorothy sings Somewhere Over The Rainbow (never heard of it), with Andrew watching from the sidelines the whole time, with his creepy factor amped up to 11.

Danielle’s fine, and becoming slightly less subtle

as time goes by, which is grand, and Sophie’s accent is still sliding and hopping around like Prenj on one of those giant light up danceable keyboards. Rather than hear them sing Over The Rainbow, we hear them talking a load of reality tv “pressure iconic let people down don’t act it be it” rubbish over the top of pictures of them singing it, with Andrew going all

wooshy and explodey at us in flashback. I knew they’d someone make this mission totally irrelevant! Bravo!

So now, after recording all that footage of the girls singing Over The Rainbow, they’re going to sing it LIVE AND IN PERSON HERE. But not before Andrew gives them some powerful advice about what to do with the number- try to sing it so that people want to pay money to come and see you in the show. IF ONLY HE’D SAID THIS BEFORE! Instead of all that rubbish about trying to understand the lyrics or sing in tune. Sigh. For some reason Sophie is full on weeping at this point

and boy she sure did hop on the train to Crazytown quick didn’t she?

She’s on first as well, and this song just feels wrong now without all the preamble with the shoes and the Jessica faces and the Sophie touching people up in their boobal area. Maybe Andrew should work that in to his SUPER NEW VERSION of the show that he’s writing, if we’re talking about why people would pay actual money to go see it. Sophie’s version is really sweet and traditional and beautifully sung but

oh my God she is actually singing to the actual shoes, and I think it best for her mental health at this point if she not win. Steph must have been the only one keeping half of these girls even 10% sane. She biffs the octave leap a bit (although obviously the crowd go mental anyway, cause it’s a loud bit innit?) and Danielle at the side proves a little bit more

why she’d make an awesome bitch.

Her performance next, and it’s slightly more aggressive and determined and more directly sad than Sophie’s more yearning and wistful version. Again, it’s fine in its own right, although Danielle is having to duck and weave around the more difficult notes more craftily than Sophie did in order to stay on track. And she doesn’t even try the last one, turning it into an “acting choice”. Although to be fair, it’s not as if Judy Garland goes all Leona Lewis-y all over it in the film – the diva belt at the end is presumably just for tv. As is the constant staring right down the camera. Nothing says “song about loneliness and isolation” more than “conversing with 7 million people watching at home”.

Andrew status?

Positively moist.

Once the girls have wandered over to Graham after they’ve finished, Graham tells us all “excitingly” the winner’s version of “Over The Rainbow” will be released as a single this weekend, with proceeds going to Briony. May she use all that money wisely. Oh and prostate cancer. I’m sure a lot of the men watching would hate for anything to happen to their prostates, so it probably is an appropriate charity choice. But Graham didn’t just call the girls over to announce that oh no. Nor are we going to hear from the panel. We are so over them. No, it’s begging time, with the girls pleading to the British Public to allow them to become Dorothy. ON YOUR KNEES GIRLS! Needless to say my buttocks wedge themselves shut in embarrassment immediately in horror at having to recap actual begging, but I will tell you that Sophie’s argument is “I LIKE GINGHAM I DO!”

and Danielle’s argument is

pretty much this. No more begging please show.

Now that’s over we DO get to hear from the panel. Sheila thinks that it’s a tough ask to get the girls to sing this song again when they’ve had to sing it so many times in sad circumstances (and when Emilie left) but they both did a decent job. Diet Barrowman takes this opportunity to

declare his pride in how Sophie has blossomed, as though he had anything to do with it. In fact, her blooming actually seemed to start around the time you stopped simultaneously constantly picking on her and giving her extra “Special Set” lessons. Just saying. He then tells Danielle for the billionth time that she is a star and Danielle’s all

“yeah thanks”.

Charlotte is then asked how the girls coped with Over The Rainbow, and she says they both coped really really well with what is a very difficult song, what with the

octave leap and everything. She singles out Sophie for particular praise, saying that Over The Rainbow suited her voice more than any other song in the competition. What, more than That Don’t Impress (A) Me Much? HOW DARE YOU?

Coming up next : the girls reprise their favourite song from the series. I bet Danielle does 76 Trombones again. Can’t get ENOUGH of that one. But first :

ATTACK OF THE NANS! Everyone’s families are very proud of them, naturally, and it’s been an emotional time for them all. Sophie’s grand-dad hopes that all of the murders have been worth it, and Danielle’s nan says that it’s so validating to hear the judges say things that you already knew were true. That happens for me about twice a series. Danielle’s dad is SUPER-INTENSE about how Danielle’s eyes and smile are so POWERFUL that the theatre wouldn’t even need LIGHTS, and we’re treated to this particularly delightful jump-cut

from Sophie’s mum realising that her little girl is all grown-up and can stand on her own two feet, to Danielle’s giant oogly-boogly clown face.

Back in the studio, lines are still open, and Graham tells us it’s time for the reprise. The girls “have sung songs from all musical genres, from musical theatre to pop, to that one time one of them did Kings Of Leon and…whatever genre of her own that created that Claire Hillier operated in, I think it was called “the 80s” “, and now the two finalists are going to both reprise Chris Hollins Charleston….I mean their favourite performance of the series for our votes. Some poor women in the audience

feels much the same as I do at this point. JUST ANNOUNCE THE SODDING WINNER ALREADY!

But yes, Sophie does Reflection, and manages to connect a little bit more with the acting this time (causing Sheila Hancock to go all

well played, my enemy. But are still no match for Danielle! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Danielle follows, doing Mambo Italiano, and she manages to stay on the lyric a bit better, and also does a little bit of spontaneous “going like Rachel” by changing the lyrics to reference Andrew

and also adding some really aggressive hand-claps, which seem to please Diet Barrowman an obscene amount.

Although he is wiggling and jiggling in that seat throughout the entire performance in a most disturbing fashion. Just play out the drum-beats on your legs like a normal person Diet.

That all over with, Graham is back on the

sofas of meddle, with the girls families. God I would love to see him try to meddle with Sophie’s grand-dad.

Ew, not like that.

First he asks Sophie’s mum if she still recognises her daughter as the same girl who left the village of Wales all those weeks ago, and she awesomely says “yes” with a barely silent “…because I’m not a moron and hence know what my own daughter looks like” on the end there, but she also feels like Sophie has grown from a sweet young schoolgirl to a mature performer. Danielle notably does not pie her in the face at this point. Speaking of Danielle her nan is asked if she’s proud and she says she is, although she’s clearly not terribly comfortable being on tv. Probably because she hasn’t got the live tv experience of hijacking the entirety of BBC Wales (ie two sets in the corner of the village hall) to broadcast pro-Sophie propaganda 24 hours a day to the workers.

LINES ARE CLOSED! And now it is time to “take a trip down memory lane as we remember our entire series” *goes cross-eyed*. No it bloody isn’t. I did that at the start of this recap. I’m not doing it again. Well, with one notable exception :

Sigh.

Said recap over, it’s time to reveal who is the winner. FINALLY. Danielle and Sophie enter the stage, to a particularly bizarre trumpet heavy version of Over The Rainbow, like they’re being introduced at the BAFTAs to give out the Orange Rising Star Award. They stand there waiting looking alternately

serene

and “on the edge of vomiting” nervous. Anyway, after millions of votes have been counted and verified, the winner is…

As I think is probably right, not that I want to commit to any particular opinion because THAT’S WHEN THE ANGRY COMMENTS START. And she goes slightly mental, as female winners of this show are wont to be. Sophie jogs across and hugs her, and they share a nice quiet moment in the middle of all the madness,

with Sophie seeming genuinely pleased for Danielle and being really supportive. So much nicer than Ray Quinn launching himself at Leona like a face-hugger to try and stay in camera-shot.

Sophie’s then ushered off to the side to be with her family so she can try to persuade her grand-dad not to explode that nuclear bomb under Cardiff like he promised. Luckily for her, the trigger combination is easily defused, as number only go up to 4 in Wales. Meanwhile, Graham and Danielle have a nice post winners chat, with her being all modest about not REALLY being a West End star, and responding to the question “what do you want to say to all the people who voted for you?” with “I really don’t think thank you is a big enough word to say to crew, to backstage, to the panel, to Andrew, to the amazing public, everyone”. I’m saying nothing, although rest assured, I am thinking it.

She then thanks all the people who supported her, and all the rest of the girls and Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Reverse Vampires and…well…everyone in the world really. Although this is not America (yet), so not God. I’m kind of glad of all that filler now, because I feel like this whole show could just as easily have been a list of Danielle thanking everyone who ever breathed.

Graham asks Andrew if he thinks the public made the right decision (*on tenterhooks*) and he says yes, and that the public have never got it wrong yet. He loved it when Prenj won HE DID. Graham then tells Danielle that, like all the Dorothys (apart from Sophie, who is already selling hers on ebay to buy a school for Wales), has to take off her Dorothy shoes, but as the winning Dorothy, she now gets to wear the display pair that Andrew’s been keeping warm for her all series.

Naturally, because this is the BBC God love it, this goes epically tits skyward, with Andrew basically forgetting that he’s supposed to be presenting the shoes, Danielle just grabbing them and honking “I’M IN!” as she puts them on and then wandering around quacking “I don’t know where’s I’m going”, and Graham of all people sounding a bit lost for the first time all series. Better ending than Lost that’s for darned sure.

Oh no wait.

This is.

Thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, following me on THAT TWITTERZ, voting in polls and spreading the word of the blog out there in the Universe. That is all for my little foray into the world of musical theatre, although if Andrew does another show, I am right there with knobs on. Make sure that you vote for the Over The Rainbow Monkie awards, starting this weekend, but apart from that? This is the end. Oh…alright. One more time for old time’s sake.

BYEEEEEEEEE!