So it’s true. Alesha Dixon is to be the new judge on the next series of Strictly Come Dancing, replacing Arlene in a move that, career-wise isn’t so much shooting herself in the foot as stabbing herself in the face. Repeatedly. But that’s not all. The fated press release that brought us this joyous news also promised us further exciting changes designed to refresh and energise the show to be announced in the future. So I got my trusty Strictly moles out, and got you the scoop on these further exciting changes. After the jump.
After the success of last year’s expanding of the brand out to include a Sunday show, Strictly Come Dancing is meeting viewers demand for a fully comprehensive Strictly experience by broadcasting the main show on Friday evening, with guest performances on Sunday morning and results at 2am Tuesday mornings. It Takes Two (with new host Myleene Klass) will be aired at a random point between 4pm and 8pm decided on day of broadcast by throwing a dart at a pinboard.
The beloved Strictly orchestra will be taking a well earned break next year. In their place will be acclaimed musicians N-Dubz and Tinchy Strider.
The Strictly pros over the years have shown themselves to be masters of choreography. But this year there’s an added twist! Pros will be asked to guide their celebrities through routines by special guest choreographer Brian Friedman! With rollerskates!
After last year’s unfortunate, totally unforseeable problems with the up until now perfectly reliable scoring system, this year’s system has been altered to best represent the fairest way of distributing points. The judges scores (with Len’s scores weighted double because he is the Head Judge) will be combined with an in-studio vote and then converted into a percentage, and then converted back again and multiplied by 173.5. This score will then be added to the raw numbers provided by the viewer vote to produce a final score. This score will be used to calculate odds for a random number generator which will choose the four couples to take part in the Dreaded Dance-Off Semifinals. The winning dance-off competitors will then fight one more time for immunity for next week’s show. The losers will run the specially constructed Strictly themed Total Wipeout course to determine who goes home.
In the event of a tie, air-raid sirens will wail, red lights will flash repeatedly, and giant neon letters saying “DEADLOCK” will appear on a giant plasma screen behind Bruce’s head. Then…nothing.
Representing the new digital age, the Tesspit will be fully CGI. It will be hosted by Digitess, a funky 3D High Def computer rendering of everyone’s favourite hostess who will input her speech via computer from her home, rendering her as present physically as she usually is mentally.
Every third week Bruno will be replaced as judge by dancing sensation, George Sampson.
After last week’s unfortunate problems with John Sergeant, who became so stressed that he was unable to continue, special Strictly therapist Lisa Snowdon will be on hand 24 hours a day to provide contestants with the support they need from somewhere who has BEEN THERE and KNOWS WHAT IT’S LIKE in a 100% safe and confidential environment. The footage will be broadcast on a live feed 24/7 on the BBC Three red button service, in new content strand “Strictly Come Dancing :100% Safe And Confidential”
Strictly Come Dancing has noted in recent years that Poor Anton is an audience favourite, but is never quite able to reach a final due to the fact that he always partners women who rabbit on about what rationing was like rather than getting down to practice. As such this year, IN AN EXCITING NEW TWIST, the SCD producers are giving Poor Anton the special Poor Anton Advantage. Once a week, Poor Anton will have the opportunity to run out from backstage and shout “BRING ON THE WALL!”. A giant wall from hit BBC1 Saturday show Hole In The Wall will appear, and the couple currently dancing will have to make the relevant shape, or be shoved into a giant pool. This pool will be situated in the area of the audience previously reseverd for non-celebrity ticket holders.
And finally this year’s cast list in full :
Brendan Cole & Sharon Osbourne
Vincent Simone & Kelly Osbourne
Darren Bennett & Nikki Graham From Off Of Big Brother
Brian Fortuna & Jordan
Anton Du Beke & Margaret Thatcher
Matthew Cutler & Kerry Katona
Ian Waite & Davina McCall
James Jordan & Peaches Geldoff
Karen Hardy & Ozzy Osbourne
Flavia Cacacce & Jack Osbourne
Kristina Rihanoff & Peter Andre
Erin Boag & George Lamb
Ola Jordan & Richard Madeley
Hayley Holt & Barry Scott from The Cilit Bang adverts
New Pro Kelly Brook & Jeremy Clarkson
And, returning for one more try in an EXCITING TWIST :
Lilia Kopylova & Dominic Littlewood!!!
July 9, 2009 at 9:01 pm |
I had a laugh at that but to be serious I think that Alesha has thought more with her heart then her head, I have looked at the forums and even her fans (which I am one) think that this is a crazy idea. I read her statement on her website about being part of the “strictly family” and “emotional connection” to the show. But then Zoe Ball and Lisa Snowden were both fans as well do I want them on the panel No. She’s a great girl and maybe she will bring a bit of warmth to the panel but she is going to look like a lightweight when judging.
July 9, 2009 at 9:24 pm |
The thing is, I perversely want to see the show you have envisioned. DEADLOCK, Tess not actually being there, Total Wipeout, BRING ON THE WALL, Poor Anton… it all sounds so… watchable.
Every bit apart from Lilia and Dominic Littlewood.
I like how you thought about height when doing the pairing – Darren and Nikki, Erin and Lamb. I would do that too, even whilst taking the piss.
I’m still in disbelief about the whole Alesha judge thing. Isn’t Camilla leaving as a professional? Couldn’t they have convinced her?
July 9, 2009 at 11:46 pm |
Hayley Holt & Barry Scott from The Cilit Bang adverts
They would get my vote.
July 9, 2009 at 11:59 pm |
The beloved Strictly orchestra will be taking a well earned break next year. In their place will be acclaimed musicians N-Dubz and Tinchy Strider.
– What, no autotuned Taio Cruz? Take Me Back >>>>>>>>Number One
July 10, 2009 at 8:13 am |
Terrifyingly plauisble, all of it.
Ench, though. We’ll see. I’ve never had much confidence in the judges’ ability to actually judge ballroom and latin dancing, and Arlene perhaps least of all. Alesha’s a step down in know-what-she’s-talking-about-ness, but we’ll have to see how the personality actually ties in with that. Because as hilarious as Arlene sometimes unintentionally was, she was still my second-least-favourite-judge a lot of the time, and sometimes least overall.
July 10, 2009 at 12:07 pm |
I hope Alesha proves me wrong but I do think this could be a big mistake on her part.
July 10, 2009 at 12:08 pm |
… and meant to say the rest of the post had me in stitches *wry grin* cheersfor that!
July 10, 2009 at 1:06 pm |
Ah, but will Len finally pickle his walnuts?!
July 10, 2009 at 5:17 pm |
Absolutely hilarious! You can kind of imagine them sitting in a big boardroom with post it notes and the boss saying
“Right everyone, write down any idea you have as to how we can change the show, for better or worse, as ridiculous as you like. Then we’ll put them all in a big bowl, pull out the first three and incorporate them into the show? Oh, and just in case you can’t come up with something daft enough by yourselves here are a few bottles of vodka and some hallucinagenic drugs to help you with the creative process!”
They better not completely ruin Strictly with all these “exciting changes.”
Oh by the way, the part about Total Wipeout isn’t so far out – I was at a dance event in June and James Jordan mentioned that he and Ola have already filmed a celebrity version! She looked less than thrilled at the whole thing – can’t imagine why!
July 10, 2009 at 7:16 pm |
“BRING ON THE WALL!”
Brilliant. But what if the shape in the wall requires a lift?
July 11, 2009 at 9:34 am |
the show you’ve described definitely looks more interesting than most of the crap on TV
July 14, 2009 at 2:17 pm |
While they’re at it, why not replace Margaret Mountford with Saira Khan in The Apprentice? Or maybe Alesha can do that too.
July 27, 2009 at 8:22 pm |
Tinchy Strider might not be too far fetched they might get him on with Sugebabe Amelle ( I quite like that song).