Strictly Come Dancing 6 Wk 12 Pt 2

If this were last year, we’d be done by now…

Last night : Everyone was trying to get into the final! Not just the boys! Erin cried! Tom cried! Vincent cried! (in a VT) Lisa… didn’t?! What’s going on there? Instead, she just adjusted her boobs. Get used to it because we’ll be seeing it a lot tonight…

Bruce starts off by saying that we hear too much about the celebrities on the show all the time, let’s instead talk about their professional partners! Which is odd, because we’re hearing a lot more about them than usual this year, because the embargo on the judges criticising their choreography appears to have been lifted. Of course then Bruce jokes about not knowing who they are, as though we don’t all remember when Vincent was partnered with Louisa and Bruce was still under the impression in wk 9 that his first name was Simone. Meanwhile, despite having torn it from her body in a fight to the death in-between shows, Tess still has a bloody, tattered piece of her old dress clinging to her arm by its teeth :

Keep strong Tess, keep strong.

In this week’s recap we learnt that : (picture & multimedia EXTRAVAGANZA! special)

Olympic Gold Medallist and Bo Selecta Puppet Sally Gunnell is setting herself up as a dance-marriage guidance counsellor these days. You need to communicate more Austin! And stop leaving wet towels on the training room floor! And sometimes Erin would appreciate a little foreplay. Just saying.

Nice job keeping up the illusion of the judges glamorous palatial backstage area camera-men.

Boobs.

Boobs!

BOOBS!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!

Tits.

The Village Of The Damned apparently includes werewolves amongst its populace.

Camilla’s acting is apparently so good now she’s considering applying for the next series of US reality show Scream Queens to win a role in the Saw horror franchise :

Well, I think she’d win…

Rachel’s step-dad David Essex thinks she’s like a blue-white diamond. Beautiful, sparkly, and you can’t cut through her surface without an industrial strength buzzsaw.

He also thinks that rumba was “romantic and professional”. Like prostitution.

And so ends the (rather mean even by my standards) “in this week’s recap we learnt that” picture and multimedia EXTRAVAGANZA special.

We go to the judges for their opinions without so much as an introductory joke. Boo! Give me more material to work with that isn’t Sally Gunnell’s elastic face! Bruno says that he thinks Tom achieved his full potential in the foxtrot. And maybe I would agree if we hadn’t had the Junior Broadway Variety Hour tacked onto the end. And of course with Bruno, Tom’s full potential is one mark less than either of the women. Cause that’s just how Bruno rolls – misandrist. Craig says that Austin disappointed him this week, but he wants to see his paso again (don’t worry Craig, it’ll be in It Takes Two clip packages from here to eternity) and that he wants the best couple to “sort of win” in the final. High hopes Craig, high hopes indeed.

Arlene says that next week will be especially difficult, because couples will be doing a “new dance”, the Argentine Tango. It’s alright Arlene, they’ve just about managed to do “new dances” the American Smooth, the Viennese Waltz and the salsa already. Len says that all the dancers are so amazing at this stage it’d literally be a tragedy to have to eliminate one of them now. Would that tragedy be King Lear, where the best daughter gets eliminated because she didn’t bow and scrape to the king, in favour of those who grovel and make promises about quality they can’t keep? Or Romeo & Juliet, where two young people fall innocent victim to the insane warring between two aging factions (public and judges), each as insane as the other? Or is it Macbeth, where Erin stabs you in your sleep?

Next up the Hustle, a dance involving four objectionable twats making up nonsense as they go along, all overseen by that guy from “The Man From U.N.C… Oh no wait. It’s another type of Hustle. A disco dance. Joy. According to Len, it’s supposed to remind us of Studio 54, by which he means the actual place and time in history, rather than the film in which Breckin Meyer did this :

and Ryan Phillippe did this :

 

More’s the pity. Instead it’s Kristina dressed as “I Dream Of Jeannie”, andBrian dressed as… Brian (seriously, hands up who is surprised that 70s Brian is exactly the same as 00s Brian. Anyone? Anyone at all?) dancing to Boogie Wonderland. And no insult to Brian and Kristina, but I really hope this isn’t the new gap-filling dance for the semi-final next week, because I don’t really get it. If we have a new disco dance can’t it just be generic “Disco” rather than this, which is kind of boring, apart from a few interesting lifts and arm-pumps? I know that makes it more of a showdance than something that can be technically marked, but this was kind of dull. Maybe I just don’t like disco dancing…

In the Tesspit, Tess says it was discotastic and calls it her favourite dance ever on Strictly. Figures that Tess and I would have diametrically opposing tastes. She then congratulates Rachel for being top of the leaderboard (to which Rachel says precisely nothing, as she always does), and asks Austin what it’s like to be bottom of the judges leaderboard somewhere he has NEVER BEEN BEFORE (although nobody else there has either so shrug…). He says it’s like being a hedgehog about to cross the M25 at 5pm, although I can now tell you as an Official Londoner that traffic on the M25 would be motionless at that point, so it’d be easy to cross. Well, at least that’s what my flatmate said. Also Tess says he should get his guns out if he’s in thfgrufrufhrhjiwapojhajeiedijfr.

Oh sorry about that. My head literally just hit the keyboard.

Tess talks to Tom about what it’d be like for him to be bottom two (as though that would ever happen given this scoreboard), and then congratulates him for having wowed all the judges for the first time, and I’m sorry they did this shit with Gethin – pretending that everything he did before his salsamba was boring and panned – and it was demeaning to his quality as a dancer and to the public and their supposed need for a journey then. Tom’s got 4 9s twice, and topped the leaderboard twice before all this nonsense about how the judges have been “underappreciating poor woobie Tom” started so CRAM IT WITH WALNUTS SUZIE (/Tess…)

The oldest ballroom dance of all is the Viennese Waltz, so who better to give it a twirl than our professional dancers? That’s what Bruce said. I’m saying nothing. All the pros are there apart from Vincent and Flavia (because they’ve got another solo dance later, obviously), Brendan & Hayley (obviously, because Hayley never existed, and Brendan is still busy backstage punching a table), and (bizarrely) Ian & Camilla, so conspiracy theorists, start your engines! It’s all very lovely and elegant and synchronised, and the music and singing is quite nice (for once) but it’s a group Viennese Waltz and they’re not playing Bumper Cars so I’m not as excited as I could be.

Oh I see, they’ve even converted the adverts for the generally lovely, light-hearted, fun It Takes Two into a propaganda piece for HOW TENSE AND JOYLESS THIS SERIES IS! ANYBODY COULD DIE ANY SECOND! IT’S THE DANCING SHOW EQUIVALENT OF THE MOVIE CUBE! Hooray!

Of course my ears then prick up with the promise of a gay Argentine Tango. I mean Bruce doesn’t say it in so many words, but that’s what it’s going to be. Apparently occasionally in the Argentine Tango the men dance together to “show off their moves”. Whatever, we’ve all used that excuse one time or another. I wasn’t kissing your totally straight boyfriend madam, he was just “showing me his moves”. Also I read a spectacularly gay quote about this practice on some messageboard somewhere which basically amounts to “How you can you possibly lead someone else, if you not first been led yourself?”. All I can say to that is “that’s what she said” andhave done with it.

Flavia and some other lady start off in some sort of Scissor Sisters position on a table and my God, it’s not just gay, it’s Lebanese! Actually I can see what straight guys see in lesbians for the first time here, because some of the shapes they make are exquisite. I’m sure that’s what guys are interested in when they look at lesbian porn. The lovely lines. Then Vincent and some guy gay it up in the corner, flicking their legs around each-other as is wont to happen in the Argentine Tango, and I’m so happy that this isn’t being played for laughs that it makes me completely unable to make a gay joke. For all of about 10 seconds. After this we’re back to male-female business as usual, so I guess this more of a bisexual tango. I can dig that. Too many people think bisexual tango is just a phase people go through, but I buy it as a real thing. It’s just one stage on the giant continuum of tango!

DON’T LABEL! THEY’RE ALL TANGOS! IT’S NOT JUST BLACK AND WHITE!

Oh yeah, the dance. It’s as intricate, erotic and lovely as all of Vincent and Flavia’sArgentine Tangos. I look forward to next week, when all the celebrities will just kick around at random like they’ve got Leg Tourettes and they’ll all get 9s and 10s.

Between that and the next…segment, we need a brief break from homosexuality, so we go to the Tesspit, straightest place in the entire world. TESS LOVES THE GUNZZZZZZZZZ! She asks whether the celebs are looknig forward to the Bisexual Tango next week, and Lisa is very excited by the passion and fire and sensuality and emotion of the dance. Tom likes the leg flicks.

Next up… IT’S ODO!

I mean Barry Manilow. He’s singing “Copacabana” which is one of the greatest story songs of all time. It has murder, diamond ear-rings and crazy strippers. What more could ask you ask for? So you can blow that out your ear Mr Bob Dylan. Although watching this is like watching one of Bob’s less, erm, lucid performances. Barry slides off the beat and around the floor, whilst Ian, Camilla, Darren and Lilia try to save us all, but steadfastly refuse to act out the dance. I wanted gunfights! And if anyone was born to play the role of a crazy showgirl it’s Camilla. I wanted a madness break where she flew around on wires as dry ice billowed from her bongos.

On the stage. The bongos on the stage.

Which Camilla totally owns. That double entendre makes complete logical sense, it does.

God Manilow sounds old. His false teeth are whistling, and you can actually hear him wet his lips halfway through. That’s not good. He doesn’t even sell “and now she’s LOST! HER! MIND!” which is one of my favourite lyrics ever. And now he’s dancing with Camilla and Lilia and dear God please let it either end now or go on forever.

Oh well. It ended then is when it ended.

Next up, another montage. JOY! Lets find out what the celebrities opinions of each other are. Tom thinks that Austin is a SPORTSMAN! Austin thinks that Rachel has had a perfect score. So… not so much opinions as facts then. Rachel thinks Lisa is a virgin who can’t drive. Lisa thinks that Rachel is a home-schooled jungle freak who is like a less hot version of her, so she can take her fake apology and stick it right up her hair… Austin thinks Tom is such a nice guy that you can’t dislike him even if you try (ha!) Tom proves this immediately wrong by saying that Lisa’s greatest strength is that she brings all the colours of the rainbow to the dance-floor. Seriously Tom, I’ve looked that up and Dolly Parton didn’t say it, so there’s officially no excuse. And give it 2 weeks more of nervous breakdown andthe “colour of the rainbow” she’ll be bringing to the dance-floor will be yellowy-green, with chunks of sweetcorn floating in it.

Lisa thinks that Tom in the most natural dancer there. Because nothing says “natural” like spending 9 months pain-stakingly copying a dance frame by frame from tape. He’s so spontaneous! Rachel is sometimes scared by Austin’s competitiveness. Whatever Rachel, you’ve got guns for fingers you’re no match for Austin’s human strength (TESS : LOL AUSTIN HAS GUNS LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!) Lisa thinks Rachel dances like a fairy, so she’s probably going to finish 2nd, just like Colin Jackson did. Rachel thinks that Tom is like Fred Astaire, and she does not want to be competing against Fred Astaire. Given that the guy’s been dead for 21 years and Tom’s going to beat your metal arse hollow unless the judges rig (/fairly mark Tom at the bottom and Rachel at the top with Lisa in the middle as so easily could organically happen) the scoring table next week he’d probably be a safer bet at this point.

OK seriously, I feel like I just played a rapid-fire round on Mock The Week. Montages are exhausting. Good job I’ve got the next “tension filled” 5 minutes of mostly silence occasionally interrupted with some incredibly predictable names to safely ignore.

In the dance-off are Austin and Lisa. Because the scoring system is a weird beast at this point, and rando results like this are occasionally thrown up. Given what we know about the public vote, it’s actually possible for the result to have fallen such that if a few hundred more people had voted for Lisa she would have gone home. A shiny penny to anyone who lays out such a table in the comments section.

(NB : No actual shiny pennies are offered, and I’ll probably delete the comment anyway, because talking about the scoring system is kind of boring at this point – the current system gave me an Alesha win but has now robbed me of an Austin win. The old system delivered me from Bunto, but right into the arms of Darren Bloody Gough. There is no perfect system, because the judges and the general public are both twonks. After 6 series, I’m over it by this point)

(Mostly)

(Also, on my iplayer right now Erin looks like she’s about a cut a bitch, and that almost makes it worth it)

Len tells Lisa she should be very proud that they’re about to drag her through another dance-off because nobody’s voting for her (/that she’s got this far), and tells Austin to work on his hip action and timing. Also he tells Lisa to work on the criticism that Craig gave her for the dance, which never happened, so next time Len whinges about how Craig criticises all the time and for effect he might want to reflect on the fact that he doesn’t even seem to know how often it is any more.

And the show’s so well organised this week the celebs clearly haven’t been briefed as to whether Austin should go first (because he danced first in the show) or whether Lisa should go first (because her dance-off dance came first). Well done. Anyway, eventually they settle on Austin going first and he does his salsa and… half of Erin’s hair falls out as they go round. Which is funny because, well, half her hair falls off her head and just lies around the floor looking like Tribbles. But on the other hand, at the start of Saturday’s show I think a good 95% of people thought Erin was going to be rewarded for 6 years of solid service, producing amazing dances with Colin Jackson and Austin Healey, teaching lumps like Martin Offiah, Peter Schmeichal and Willie Thorne to do beautiful ballroom, and sending Julian Clary from having a panic attack in the middle of the floor in wk 1 to masterfully mincing around with glee in the final, by finally getting her hands on the glitterball looking more beautiful and glamorous than ever.

And instead at the end of Sunday’s show she’s in tears, having done a sloppy salsa with half her weave in tatters on the floor. It kind of feels like some icky “slut-shaming” 19th centry morality tale about the perils of unseemly vanity, and my laughter feels a bit hollow and awkward to be honest. Because I like Erin and this is now what she’s going to be remembered for. Tribbles and Puppets.

Lisa does her waltz. It’s a bit less good than last time. Her hair does, however, stay on her head.

Lisa gets saved by a vote of 4-0 and, after staying dry all week, out come the waterworks again. The judges then start a standing ovation for Austin, which I guess is something, and he thanks the public for supporting him, Erin for being amazing, and his wife for raising his daughters Bebe Dee, Boppity Boo, Beep Beep Toot Toot, and Sharon for him single-handedly whilst he’s been away. Then, in the middle of the love and the applause and the tears, Tess yells out “GET THE GUNS OUT AUSTIN!” and a deathly hush falls over everyone. They all stare at Tess, shaking their heads, as a single tumbleweed rolls across the floor, before Arlene gets up slowly out of her chair, walks across to Tess ,and kicks her in the crotch saying “that’s making melook classy, and I pretty much admitted to running a brothel on this week’s Never Mind The Buzzcocks”.

Oh wait, he takes his top off and everybody cheers.

Forgive me for writing the end of the show at least a little bit how I wanted it to go…