Strictly Come Dancing 6 Wk 9 Pt 1

Finally, the actual show kicks in.

Last Week : John Sergeant was somehow kept out of the bottom two and Rachel Stevens was thrust there in his place, leading to a flurry of spinning headlines the likes of which has not been seen since Bugsy Malone. Apparently this led several of the couples to the conclusion that they couldn’t afford to slip up even slightly otherwise they might be gone, rather than the actual logical conclusion which is that the actual dancing doesn’t matter at all – it’s being likable and giving people the “wow factor” or the “tingle factor” or whatever such bollocks that makes all the difference. Rachel would probably be better off taking a crash-course in stand-up comedy or speaking in a dappy posh accent and dying her hair blonde rather than putting more training hours in.

Also – if the programme is wondering why people are voting for John Sergeant, maybe producing VTs that consist of his name being yelled in my face repeatedly might not be the way to get them to pay attention to the 7 other celebrities still in the competition.

Anywho, Bruce and Tess come out and Bruce congratulates Tess on her victory over Terry Wogan last night, which I guess is some sort of indication that talent can actually win out over likability in the end. Apparently Bruce was under the impression that Tess was on Comic Relief rather than Children In Need because of how much he was laughing. Oh Bruce. Nothing on Comic Relief was ever as funny as Tess’s vagina lift. Ever.

Deputy Head-Girl of Darwin House and Ian Waite dancing the quickstep : Last week Jodie knew that she was going to be shit at the samba and then she was, but she needn’t worry, because only about 25% of this year’s couples have been capable of doing Latin in a way that’s anything other than embarrassing, so nobody really cared. This week though, she’s buoyed up by the public support and ready to tackle the quickstep and be good at it, because she knows that she can’t keep on on getting 3s and staying in the competition (because her name isn’t John Sergeant). The theme of their VT is basically “aren’t Jodie and Ian such good friends?!” culminating in her doing some sort of bizarre monkey DJ charades representation of “running across hot coals”. And seriously, you’d have to be good friends to put up with that.

Apart from the obviously crippling handicap of being TALL, Jodie also appears to be being hampered this week by the fact that she’s wearing a dress made out of crepe paper. Which must be slightly uncomfortable. It does do a good job of hiding her footwork though, which probably balances this handicap out. On the flat their quickstep is really lovely – it has a nice sweep to it, and it moves along at a decent clip, but there are problems when she has to display bounce in that she looks like she’s on springs. And not in the good metaphorical way, but in the bad literal way in which she looks like she’s bouncing on the bed. Still the dance has got admirable character, and it’s a decent song-choice, which we won’t be seeing a lot of tonight.

Bruce enlightens us on what the judges are writing down whilst the dances are going on, which is all very well, but here at The Mighty Mighty Monkseal I can exclusively reveal, after extensive bin-rummaging, samples of actual judges notes from last week for Austin’s rumba :

Craig (Technique) : “move legs, wave arms, pull sexy faces, wave your bum about a bit”
Arlene (Story) : “And then Austin leaves Erin and comes over and ravishes Arlene and they live happily ever after”
Len (Posture) : “Austin’s tight muscular sportsman buttocks are pulled in tight under his bulking rippling sportsman torso and broad strong graspable sportsman shoulders, whilst his big strong tree-trunk sportsman legs are planted firmly down hard on the surface on the dance-floor, whilst his noble sportsman face gazes wistfully yet firmly at Erin, with piercing dark sportsman eyes located in the middle”
Bruno (Doodles) :

Anyway, for this week the judges notes augur well for Jodie, with the judges generally appreciating it, although obviously they can’t do so without bringing up how TALL Jodie is, because generally you don’t associate speed with TALL WOMEN (which would explain all those midget sprinters at the Olympics) and the quickstep is a FAST DANCE. They end up getting 33 and 2 9s, which is officially Jodie’s best score and her first 9s. Apparently Ian had promised to streak if Jodie got 9s (this really is a vintage year for the men promising to get naked isn’t it?) but now he’s amending that to 10s. Judging from the overscoring of everything tonight, it might just happen.

Should She Stay ? : Yes, NAKED IAN SOON PLEASE JUDGES!

A Woman In Her Own Right – Not Just George Clooney’s Girlfriend Or A Second Rate Kelly Brook But A REAL WOMAN and Brendan Cole dancing the samba : Last week Lisa was so amzing that Craig wanted to kiss Brendan ON THE FACE. And you know it must have been good, because who knows what communicable diseases kissing Brendan would get you? Lisa’s Viennese Waltz – Officially Good Enough To Risk Herpes For. This week they’re back doing Latin though, and will suck, so Lisa tries to gank some of Jodie’s TALL GIRL storyline by talking about how gangly and awkward she feels. Tough shit Lisa, Jodie got there first. Stick with “Brendan is a dick and I have to do a raaaaaaaaaaadio shooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww at four am! WAH!”.

Oh and her sisters come in and give Lisa the “party spirit”. By which I presume they mean tequilla, judging from how she’s chosen to dress herself for their samba. To “Rock The Boat”, which in terms of tempo is a bit like trying to do a samba to “Fake Plastic Trees”. And, much as I would imagine she expected, it’s crap. It’s not helped by the choreography, in which Brendan seems to have taken the one part of the dance she’s worst at – samba rolls – and repeated it over and over again. Seriously Brendan, if there was any week for a bit of spinning it was this one. Also at no point do her legs know what they’re doing. It picks up a little in the end, in that I stop wanting to die, but really, overall this is a Universal No.

With the judges ,Craig picks up on the crappy samba rolls leading Bruno to flip his wig, telling Craig not to say things unless they’re true and criticising him for doing things just for effect. This being Bruno who two weeks ago tried to stick his foot through the ceiling. For the first time in ever a full scale bitch-fight breaks out that doesn’t include Len (seriously, when was the last time he didn’t get involved) until Brendan full on bangs the table and tells them to pay attention to Lisa. Arlene then claims Lisa needed some of the breakfast cereal “Snap, Crackle and Sizzle” to which Brendan responds with the following awesome face.

I know Brendan. Sometimes I wonder as well…

Should She Stay? : Bottom Two because that samba was horrendous but… John Sergeant you know?

Christine Meakley and Matthew Cutler dancing the waltz : Last week Christine actually got more marks than Austin which is UNHEARD OF, because she’s just little Christine Bleakeley from a little town in Northern Ireland which you’ve probably never even heard of! All her family are living and breathing (she’d never get on X Factor) Strictly Come Dancing with her, so we get everyone’s favourite VT of the year – the “regional vote” VT. At least it’s less offensive than Kenny’s last year, where they portrayed Scotland as a bleak backwards wasteland that was very excited about this new television box invention. Instead the whole of Northern Ireland is just one big beauty salon with a tiny poster saying “vote Christine…maybe…if you want to” poked into a corner.

Also bizarrely this week her surname is pronounced “Blake-lee” whereas before it’s always been “Bleek-lee”. Maybe she’s had words.

They’re dancing to a Girls Aloud track, so it’s automatically a 10 from me. Honestly I don’t know how much of the rest of the routine even registers in the midst of me going “GIRLS ALOUD! EEEE!”. And doing over-dramatic hand-gestures. And maybe waltzing a little with a cusion. From what I can tell though, it’s beautiful. Nice and controlled and dramatic and graceful, and she’s managed to find a shade of baby pink for her dress that doesn’t make me feel nauseous, so the highest of praise all round really. My only problem is one or two stumbles and the end, when she lets go of the character of the dance completely before the thing’s ended. Which is a minor thing but always pisses me off. COMMIT CHRISTINE COMMIT TO THE DAAAAANCE!

The judges love it, with Bruno praising her for not getting bored in the middle, which I think is a bit much. It’s 90 seconds – even Kerry Katona could probably focus for that long. Just about. Craig praises both her legwork and her armwork, meaning that trip to the Wuthering Heights video (which TOTALLY HAPPPENED! YOUR VOTES MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE!) paid off.

Should She Stay ? :Yes, and she’s got a nice little improvement arc going on here and it’s a shame it’s being swallowed up whole by… other storylines.

Auntie Cherie and her dodgy boyfriend James Jordan dancing the cha cha cha : And no, Bruce still isn’t over how some people pronounce words in discretely different but equally valid ways. Go back to your castle and eat some scones in the bath Bruce. Seriously. Last week Cherie did a waltz, which was lovely and sent her right back to the top of the table, but now she’s got another Latin dance and she’s scared. Hysterically she says this is because she “had bad experiences” in the past with Latin dances, as thought they had somehow let her down (possibly by flirting with other women and not turning up for lunch dates), rather than it being because she kind of sucks at them.

Now that Laura White has been eliminated from X Factor she’s had time to vis… oh wait that’s Cherie’s daughter. Seriously generation one below mine, invest in a comb, then share it around amongst your womenfolk. Anyway she’s very proud and slightly scared by her mum’s sexuality and yadda yadda yadda. Their relationship is sweet but the “Family Visit” VTs are always such filler.

The important thing is that Cherie looks amazing for her age, because she’s dressed like the sexy genie of the ring from a cheap local Aladdin. Seriously, you know when a Jordan is worried when their response is “right – tits out”. In terms of Cherie’s chequered history of Latin dances it’s not bad but really the competition is now split neatly in two between those who can do Latin (Austin, Tom, The Rachbot, Christine) and those who can’t (Lisa, Cherie, Jodie, John) and this doesn’t do much to blur the divide. Technically it’s very good, but it’s not really full of the alliterative cheeky cha cha spirit. I don’t really think Cherie has cheeky in her to be honest.

Bruno calls her Morgana The Temptress, which makes total sense, because when I think of the Arthurian legend I think skin tight pink dresses and booty shaking. Not even the current BBC1 “re-imagining” (with actual black people!) has mixed things up that much. Craig says he wanted more punctuation (SHAPE OF A SEMI-COLON!), which starts yet another tedious cat-fight between Bruno and Craig, which officially gets so silly that Len has to tell Bruno to let Craig finish. LEN! The other judges wanted her to be a bit more wild, as though that were in any way possible. Seriously, Cherie’s about as capable of being wild as Tom is of being “dignified and understated”

Should She Stay ? : Yes. In terms of Latin (which is clearly all that matters this year) she’s better at it out of all those who can’t do it, and in terms of ballroom she’s amongst the best out of everyone who can.

WHO’S GOING TO DRIVE AUSTIN HEALEY HOME TONIGHT? ARLENE HOPES IT’S HER! and Erin Boag dancing the tango : We start off with some premium wound-licking from Austin about how his rumba was kicked into touch and he received a torrent of abuse from the judges and he was at the bottom of the leaderboard, when he got three 8s and finished 6th out of 9. Don’t make me dislike you with your self-pity Austin. In order to get in some cute shots of his adorable childre… I mean in order to prepare for a difficult audience, this week Austin and Erin went to his daughters’ school where he got cheered by everyone and scored 49 out of 40 and everyone poured abuse on Tom.

Not that he needed his bruised ego massaging or anything.

They’re dancing their tango to traditional tango music, except it sounds like they’ve sampled rugby whistles in, which is where Erin and I part company on music choices this year once and for all. And she was doing so well. It’s a very good effort so far as male tangos go, but most of the drama, apart from an odd bark when they go for a dip is coming from Erin and Austin’s. Also it moves very very fast – maybe a little bit too fast for my tastes. Still, a very good effort.

Judges naturally lose their business everywhere, because he was a bit rubbish last week and they need to give him a comeback. It’s all about how masterful and dramatic and amazing it was, with Craig calling it “rugbylicious” and Len doing his usual SPORTSMAN orgasm. Bruno says it had “more drama than Quantum Of Solace” (which I hear is just one long action sequence with no plot so… damning with faint praise there) and informs Daniel Craig that he better watch out. Because as he pointed out earlier, Bruno never says anything untrue or for effect. Barbara Broccoli is definitely considering re-casting the role of James Bond to be a balding rugby player with no theatrical experience. It totally could happen.

Tess teases Austin a little bit about taking back his place at the top of the leaderboard, and Austin modests that it’s not his place, to which Tess responds that he’s been there more often than not. Which, for once, is actually literally true. So well done Tess.

Should He Stay ? : Yes, I wasn’t blown away by this, but he’s still the best man there.

The Rachbot And Vincent Simone dancing the rumbot : Last week The Rachbot was amazing, but still ended up the dance-off and had a bit of a cry bless her. Generally the lack of public support for the Rachbot has been put down to her lack of personality and abundance of inhibition, so Vincent has decided to take her for a romantic meal at an Italian restaurant, where they were to recreate the Lady And The Tramp spaghetti chewing scene whilst a chorus of Italian stereotypes stood on the sidelines and cooed at them and Vincent waggled his eyebrows like he was having a mild electric shock. Because once you’ve learnt to express embarassment and revulsion, all other emotions fall like dominos.

They’re dancing to Paul Weller, because I know when I think romance and sensuality I think The Modfather. Although at least “You Do Something To Me” suits this dance better than “Town Called Malice” (about the lack of opportunity in small towns provoked by the economic downturn in the early 80s) did the “light, bright, quickstep”. And it’s pretty much perfect. They get the atmosphere of the dance down, the Rachbot looks suitably pensive throughout (which is all you need for a good rumba face – to look like you’re trying to remember the order of the FA Cup winners 1979-89), and her legs and movement around the floor is impeccable. As are her hip-grinds. There’s a small fly in the ointment with her arms, which tend to either flick or just stop at the end of her lines rather than flowing so it’s not quite as good as Colin’s was in my opinion, but still one of the better rumbas we’ve ever seen.

When it finishes Bruce goes slightly weird as though they’ve just started groping each others crotches in the middle of the floor, to which Rachel responds very sweetly by nuzzling his hand. Bruce responds by dead-panning “father figure” which is very quick and funny but… “grandfather figure” I’m thinking. Len joins in the trend this series of threats of full-frontal male nudity (alongside Andrew Castle, Mark Foster and Ian Waite) by saying if Rachel ends up in the bottom 2 he’ll do Claudia’s Masterclass naked. As though I needed any more reason to switch over during that segment. Craig does his usual “that was filthy, vulgar and the most obscene thing I’ve ever seen… and I loved it” schtick and I do wonder whether any of these judges are familiar with the concept of sex if they think that was obscene. Carol Vorderman’s was worse. Arlene says it’s the first time she’s got goosebumps (/the wow/factor/the tingle factor/whatever bollocks) this series.

I swear at this point Bruce asks if our singer will “on crack” next week. I guess that’s one way to make her more interesting.

Down in the Tesspit Vincent and Rachel’s fiance compare eyebrow wiggles, and I decide I miss Vincent’s air-kiss as his signature cheesy move. She gets 39 (which…is a bit much I feel given her hands) and Tess calls it the highest scoring rumba ever. And now it is. My 2 and a bit series of yelling “APART FROM COLIN JACKSON” at Tess after every passing high scoring rumba is over. Mourn it.

Should She Stay ? : But of course. NO NAKED LEN PLEASE PUBLIC!

Our Only Sunshine and Kristina Rihanoff dancing the American Smooth : Last week the judges hated John’s dancing. Craig hated it so much that as Arlene and Bruno was leaving he decided to randomly yell “IF I HAD A ZERO IT WOULD HAVE COME OUT!” at them. Arlene and Bruno are all “whatever, we’re getting Nando’s. Do you want some?” because they’re not nearly as invested in their role in this pantomime as Craig and Len are. John patronises some more about how the judges obviously don’t understand the process because they don’t respect the public vote. As though disrespect isn’t a two-way street between the public and the judges. The public totally respect the judges right to distribute their marks however they see fit given all the “CHERIE GOT A 7 – THE OVERMARKED TEACHERS PET HOOR!” threads on Digital Spy.

How about both sides stop accusing the other of “making a mockery of the competition”? Yes/no?

There was lot of controversy, John Sergeant never expected the press to be interested in anyone participating in the second most watched show in the entire country, a John victory will haunt Len’s nightmares forever, Kristina is the greatest choreographer in the history of the Western World blah blah nonsense blah.

Oh right, they’re doing a dance as well. An American Smooth if anybody cared, and it’s not half bad. There’s a lovely elegance to it, and the lifts work well, although the transitions into them are a little unsmooth. There’s a really lovely bit where Kristina glides gently along the floor as though she were lighter than air, which is genuinely original and which would really impress me if it were a female celeb doing it. His footwork is still lumpy, and he’s still doing a combination of smirking and eye-rolling the whole way through, but it’s actually a creditable effort, unlike the last God knows how many weeks.

At the end John and Kristina make as though they’re about to go straight to the Tesspit, because God knows what this storyline needs is the hysterical faux-dramatics of a later episode of Deal Or No Deal. The judges give it generally positive comments, leading to everyone going “ah, they’re only doing it to diminish his sympathy vote! I’M GOING TO VOTE 72 TIMES BECAUSE THEY’RE STILL TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM THE BASTARDS!”. Which they weren’t. It was a decent dance – they gave it decent marks. How they’ll get rid of him is via leaderboard mangling (big fanbases marked low, small fanbases marked high, lots of tied scores) and it won’t be for a fair few weeks yet.

Anyway, Len says it was marvellous compared to Terry’s Children In Need dance last night, and then it gets scored lower. Plus ca change.

Should He Stay ? : No. He’s got the rumba, the jive, the quickstep, the salsa, and the Viennese Waltz left. This is the last dance where he’s going to be able to keep his dignity intact. And that’s what I care about here. Honest.

Berklemondrop Von Nincompoop and Camilla Dallerup dancing the salsa : Last week Tom found it really terrifying that there was only one point between him and Rachel and she ended up in the dance-off. Yes, that must have been awful for you Tom. Anyway, Camilla is crap at choreographing salsa (you know she is – last year she just did a samba instead) so she gets that weird tubby little salsa champion this show always uses in to help Tom realise what it is to be masculine and sexy and passionate. There’s a lot of mugging and being silly and “isss party time!” and I’m sorry but I just find Tom deeply annoying on a personal level. I’m sure he’s a lovely person but… tone it down a bit please.

Having said that, for the second week in a row he brings it to the dance-floor. And without any tap-dancing this time, which is a fucking blessing let me tell you. His arm cross-overs are immaculate, complicated and used sparingly – he’s got a nice party-atmosphere, and bless him, he smacks his own ass at one point which is getting into the spirit of it if nothing else. It’s pretty sexless and his shimmies are a bit limp, but overall I think I can really get behind him getting to the final for the first time – especially when the ever more likely alternative is John Sergeant. In the final.

Of course the downside of a good Latin? Arlene uncorks the alliteration (sequins, set, steamy, sexy sensuous) which she’s mostly managed to keep under the desk until now. Len for his part does his bit for informing the public as to what makes a good dance by saying “that bit over there wasn’t very good”. Articulate and informative as ever Len. Craig then unspools some premium “Strictly Ballroom” bullshit about how Tom was dancing for HIMSELF and being SELFISH and he should have been dancing for the UNIVERSE and YODA AND THE EWOKS or whatever. Again. Helpful. Len calls him a “born-again plonker” and Gethin looks confused in the audience. Like, even more than he normally does.

Back in the Tesspit Tess is so excited she’s positively Claymation.

Should He Stay ? : Yes. Because he can Do Latin.

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