Strictly Come Dancing 6 Preview

Oooh…. Shiny new professional dancers. Literally shiny new professional dancers.

I am so excited for this go round I can’t even tell you. I feel like last year cleansed my palate of all my bitterness towards this show. Very few SPORTSMEN!, the right winner, some great dances, the most amazing final of all time. This being more to make up for the Darren Gough Gay Bashing Hour and YOU WILL LOVE EMMA BUNTON! YOU WILL!, I am ready to enter this series with a sense of optimism and a spring in my step and a sense of giddy glee at the next 4 months of yelling at Len Goodman, posting semi-naked pictures of Mark Foster, and probably ending up rooting like a crazy thing for Rachel Stevens.

SHE USED TO BE IN S CLUB!

This year’s Marks & Spencers brand celebrities are :

Andrew Castle & Ola Jordan: I do think from a physics point-of-view this is an incredibly irresponsible experiment of a pairing. I really do hope that the Strictly labs (come on, you know they exist) have carried out detailed research to make sure this thing is safe, because seriously, having a Strictly contestant who is both a SPORTSMAN! and a GMTV presenter is an incredibly dangerous thing. It’s like the reality pro-am celebrity dancing show equivalent of the unstoppable force versus the immovable object. Will the dedication, competitiveness and physical fitness of the sports world win out, or will whatever they put in the GMTV water that makes all its presenters physically spastic rule the day? I’m intrigued to find out, and I trust Ola Jordan, who is in a constant tussle with Erin for the “Most Likely To Commit Knife-Crime” Award is tough enough to handle it.

Austin Healey & Erin Boag :Speaking of which YAY TEAM ERIN! After struggling in the wilderness with Peter “Shake Your Body Down… Well, Bits Of It Off Anyway” Schmeichal and Willie “Doin A Poo Tango” Thorne she finally get someone who can really compete for the title. Austin Healey is a SPORTSMAN! in the Len Goodman mould. He’s burly, he’s lippy, and he’s a real tough guy who doesn’t do any of this pansy crap like dancing, wearing spangly outfits or anal sex. A familiar reality tv contestant for any of us who’ve ever been awake at 3am watching the poker in our jim-jams, Austin seems likable enough (although so did Kenny before he had his mid-series psychotic break) and… well he used to be sexy, but he appears to be slowly morphing into Brian Moore from Kes. We shall see. Whatever happens, I know Erin’s pleased, I’m pleased. As are the orphans she keeps locked in her cellar.

Cherie Lunghi & James Jordan :You remember Stephanie Beacham from last year, and how she was best casting coup ever to go out in week 1? Well this year we’ve got Cherie Lunghi, who’s like Stephanie Beacham but 17% more common and 27% less famous. I don’t know what that weighs up as in the long run but “did a few coffee adverts and pimp-slapped Billie Piper” is no “cat-fights with Joan Collins and Triangle”. Also, whereas Stephanie had the charming gigolo that was Vincent Simone guiding her deaf ass to something resembling dancing (until she could have a nice sit down) Cherie Lunghi has the vacuum of likability that is James Jordan pulling the strings. I don’t see this ending well.

Christine Bleakley & Matthew Cutler :What the hell’s a Christine Bleakley? Oh, apparently she does The One Show. Which kind of makes me wish that Nadia Swahala had stuck around a little longer on that so she could have done this, instead of a woman who a) nobody has heard of and b) I find annoying for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. She’s kind of insipid I guess which is never a good combination with Matthew Cutler (there’s a reason nobody remembers Siobhan Heyes). He needs somebody bubbly and loud like The Smiley one or Alesha (with da bump an flex). Still she’s young and athletic so she’ll probably do well. Just no Adrian Chiles next year please. I’m all for regional diversity, but can’t you lure Cat Deeley back if Brummies have to be on tv?

Don Warrington & Lilia Kopylova :On the one hand I love Don Warrington. Rising Damp is one of THE greatest sitcoms of all time, with the late great Leonard Rossiter, the late, slightly less but still quite great Richard Beckinsale and Tim Curry as Frank N Furter as Miss Jones. And for Don Warrington to have been a part of that means I should be rooting for him. But I can’t be bothered. He’s clearly this year’s Willie Thorne, the older guy stuck with a partner half his height who will be eliminated at the very prospect that he might do a Latin dance with nipple-shields at some point in the future. Still, we should get confused dignity laced with pomposity out of him, because that’s what Don Warrington does, and he is AMAZING.

Gary Rhodes & Karen Hardy :In the name of all that is holy I cannot think of a pairing that makes me recoil in more horror than that of Gary Rhodes and Karen Hardy, unless they for some reason brought back Jan Ravens and Paul Killick and made them dance together. Just as Matthew Cutler (being a quiet, reserved sort of chap) needs a feisty bubbly partner to bring out the best in him, so the last thing Karen Hardy needs is a highly strung neurotic celebrity chef. This has car-crash insanity written all over it in the worst way, and I think one of the two will be dead, or at least severely maimed by the time the series is over. Seriously, did you WATCH Hell’s Kitchen that one time he ran it? When he kept on deciding to randomly strip? Do we need that on our tvs again?

Gillian Taylforth & Anton Du Beke :The Internet rings to the meme of “Poor Anton” yet again, as the Beakmeister gets yet another lady of a certain age as his celebrity. Still, this one falls into the category of blonde, middle-aged ex soap star, which hasn’t done too badly in recent outings, so let’s not throw our toys demanding that next year he gets Kimberley from Girls Aloud or whoever. For some reason I’ve got a good feeling about this pair – she seems like a laugh (she manages to be bearable on Loose Women, which is like managing to be funny on Mock The Week these days) and Anton always knows how to get the best out of his dancers in the ballroom. I wouldn’t write them off just yet.

Heather Small & Brian Fortuna :Oooh weren’t the early 90s a jolly time? The Ninja Turtles ruled tv, shell suits and hair-gel were in, and M People were winning the Mercury Music Prize with their albums of lite-jazz as interpreted by a mouse trapped in a fog-horn. And now that fog-horn/animal hybrid is back, and she’s READY TO DANCE! And show off her giant new boobs! Heres’ hoping that Heather Small does something today to make herself feel Proud by Movin On Up and Searching For The Hero Inside Herself, resulting in a Perfect Day. Or whatever. She has a shiny new pro to do it with as well, with Brian Fortuna, who looks like the shameful school photo of someone who actually eventually turned out to be attractive and who apparently got a bad rep on the US version a few years ago. Only time will tell if he proves as great an addition to the show as James Jordan has totally turned out to be.

Jessie Wallace & Darren Bennett :Darren must be scratching his head wondering what happened. Only last year he was dancing with a marginally overweight ex Eastenders star, and now this year he’s got the bizarro-Universe Letitia Dean in Jessie Wallace. She was part of an Eastenders super couple but that’s where the similarities end. She’s got dark hair and a chequered private life! I’m kind of disappointed she doesn’t have a backwards L on her chest and an evil beard (save your Nicole Cutler jokes please. Although how DARE she insult Bruce? Tess? Eh, not so much…). Still Letitia Dean last year actually managed to make the Dancing Boy Scout interesting and likable, so hopefully Jessie will manage the same.

Jodie Kidd & Ian Waite :Jodie Kidd’s really tall. Ian Waite is really tall as well. I just thought I’d mention that now, because I can’t imagine that’s going to be the basis of every single VT the show ever runs about the pair this year. No sir. We’re really going to get to explore these guys personalities. Totally. But they are really really tall. Did I forget to mention how tall they are? They’re totally both of above average height. I would imagine this might prove a problem with some chances like the Jive, given their long tall person legs and long tall person arms (*Nam style flashback to Penny’s Drunken Maenid from last year*) so who knows what their long-term competition prospects are like. One thing is for sure – they’re not short.

John Sergeant & Kristina Rihanoff :Oh Kristina Rihanoff. How they have reserved that least auspicious of Strictly debuts for you. The “pretty young foreign lady plays nursemaid to the old man” debut. Never mind, Flavia stuck it out, and look what it got her last year. Sex with Matt Di’Angelo. Just in case you needed an incentive next time John forgets where he is and what his name is and then wets himself in the middle of training (old people jokes! Always tasteful!). In all seriousness, John Sergeant is pretty cool and together and funny based on his one week on Have I Got News For You that I saw. Hopefully he’ll be just as entertaining in his one week on this show as well.

Lisa Snowdon & Brendan Cole :OH MY GOD I WONDER IF THEY’LL FALL IN LOVE?! After last year’s unfortunately truncated run with Kelly Brook, they’ve obviously decided to run with the same story again, only with a (slightly) less pretty celebrity, albeit one who is (slightly) more likable and with a (much) better taste in celebrity boyfriend. God knows why they always root for the romance story with Brendan when he looks like a gnarled root vegetable, but I guess he is a total BAD BOY, and women love a BAD BOY. Unfortunately, I’ve got a sinking suspicion that Lisa Snowdon isn’t going to be half the dancer that Kelly Brook was. I hope to be proven wrong.

Mark Foster & Hayley Holt :If Austin Healey is the Len Goodman school of SPORTSMAN!, then Mark Foster is the preserve of Arlene. He’s toned, slightly feminine, and quietly charmingly, rather than boorishly charismatic. If she isn’t rubbing her Arlene-juices (EW! STOP THAT AT ONCE BRAIN!) over the judging table by series end I will eat my hat. Len will probably be less impressed, given as how Mark’s sport doesn’t involve hitting anything, but Mark is still a SPORTSMAN! and therefore is destined for the Final Four at least. He’s also got a new partner this year, in Hayley Holt, who apparently is about as popular in New Zealand as Brian Fortuna is in USA. Strictly Come Dancing truly is proving to be a sanctuary for the hated dancers of the world. We did give them Jade Goody I guess.

Phil Daniels & Flavia Cacace :Oh Flavia. I don’t know why you got the “post winning year put the breaks on” pick and the actual winner didn’t, but there we go. Maybe the prospect of dancing with Deano, then dancing with Deano’s dad (my boyfriend who works on a Soap magazine informs me because fuck knows I stopped watching Eastenders when they started having a wedding in every single sodding episode) was too much for the producers to resist. Kind of a curate’s egg of a pick, and I think probably a result of ramping up the number of dancers to 16 this year because… I’m finding it hard to care about these two at the moment. Maybe he’ll be a surprise package. I somehow doubt it though.

Rachel Stevens & Vincent Simone :SCREAM! RACHEL STEVENS! SHE WAS IN S CLUB 7! AND HOPEFULLY WON’T TURN OUT TO A SURPRISE RACIST! (Please note : your author is a gae) I’m kind of ridiculously excited about Rachel and Vincent as a pairing, because I think they have the potential to be a more assured and mature Vincent and Louisa ie, a fun professional and a great dancer who doesn’t look like she’s constantly being given minor electric shocks through electrodes hidden under her costume. I’m sure she’ll end up with “fake bitch who probably got professional dance lessons to be in S Club 7 – the video for S Club Party totally has elements of American Smooth in it” backlash but for now I’m all excited and their website photo looks awesomely Stepford.

Tom Chambers & Camilla Dallerup :Last year Gethin Jones, this year Tom Chambers. I kind of want to ask Camilla what her secret is because seriously, you cannot get that lucky two years in a row. Tom Chambers is the best thing to happen to Casualty franchise since the Keller Killer, being a sexy woobie doctor/surgeon/resgistrar/porter who the hell cares he’s quietly sexy and has a well-paying job and is good with his hands. And Camilla gets him, whilst Ola gets someone whose face is slowly collapsing in on its own nose. Hopefully Tom brings a bit more charisma to the table than the old Gethbot did – judging from the Internet videos already provoking ringer outrage, he looks like he’ll probably be an even better dancer as well. Maybe this could finally be Camilla’s year? The huge SPORTSMEN barrier does kind of look insurmountable though.

---

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• A good, long rant
• Diet & Exercise
• Orange’s pump charger puts your two left feet to good use
• Q&A: Carol Leifer, Late Bloomer